I have/ am still working on getting over this theme too, and for me I had to get to the core of that fear.. why does it scare me so much?
The responsibility piece?
That I think it’s shameful and just awful, the worst thing that I could ever do?
Those were how I viewed it.
Now, I’m learning to view it like this- I really would rather that not happen and I would really prefer to not ever feel suicidal, but I cant be certain it never will happen or that I wont ever feel that way.
I don’t get to know how my life will end or how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life.
I can keep working on my recovery and can keep my family and loved ones informed on if I’m feeling really down (but not for reassurance or for confessing purposes).
It’s been up and down for the past year, but I can feel the difference and feel the changes with each little light bulb moment and shift that I go through on my recovery journey.
I know it can feel overwhelming but just keep working with your therapist and resist doing your compulsions! That’s going to be the biggest part of your recovery.