- Date posted
- 20h
HOCD
Wow, how awful hocd is and how so many people suffer it in silence. I was ashamed. I’ll never forget the day the first intrusive thought popped it into my brain, “What if you’re gay?”. This thought came with so much anxiety and hit me like a tonne of bricks. Clearly, at some stage of my life, I feared the concept of being gay or being in denial. The words wounded me. After that day, my life was never the same. I started to panic if the thoughts would come back and if so, when? This powered it up. Flash-forward in time, my life was a daily hell. My head was flooded with thoughts on being gay. What if etc…. I went from once adoring who I was, being carefree, confident and so happy to hating myself and wanting to end my life. I was so ashamed of having these thoughts and that someone would think that i’m gay that I told no one. When I should have got help, I suffered and lost years of my life to a living hell. I wasn’t in my body. I was dead and buried years ago, a zombie is survival mode, unable to breathe. The lies screamed at me daily and got so bad I failed uni, dropped out and isolated myself in my room for what felt like forever. I cut off all of my life, my friends, my hobbies. There was nothing left in me. When I say I had 0% of me left. I mean it. It was in this death, in my souls death that I begged for a saviour or I had to exit this world for good. I didn’t want to die but my soul had died already. I felt so far gone that I’d never come back from this. I’d never be me again. I’d never be my dream self or have my husband and kids. With the only last glimmer of hope I had left, I searched up constant repetitive thoughts… tones of answers came to shore but there was a story on a man who had been diagnosed with HOCD. He had the fear of being gay but always knew he was straight. How can this happen? How can the mind derail us so easily? How did he heal ? ERP!! Chase down the fear, don’t run from it. No more running. Never again. It was in this moment I knew I wasn’t alone. I cried for joy despite intrusive thoughts screaming at me ( haha ). I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy. I was living a lie because my mind was playing tricks on me. I was done with my mind being my enemy. That was the night I started my journey to ocd. I’m still healing through the torment and life that it robbed me of. The girl that I am will never give up. I’ve always known who I am. Your mind lies. 💖 I know we all want a quick fix. We want this pain to end, the lies to stop, the brain to shut off this CRAP but if one thing I know is, how fcking damn strong I am. I’m not scared to say this happened to me. I’m sure as hell not embarrassed either. Yeah, it happened, it made me break down in ways I wish I never had to. It made me hate myself and never live authentically, but it made me wake up. It made me realise how precious life is. It made me understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Brains are machines and they spit out random radio noise. It made me realise life is too short to listen to junk. It made me start all over again and heal my inner child. So, sure, it’s a pain in the ass and it’s unfair and shitty and exhausting and so damn evil, but, the day you stop listening is the day you win. I don’t need to listen to it when it’s false advertisement 💖 - Always happy to help and it gets better, I promise xxx DONT Ever give up