Date with boyfriend (vent)

I had a date with my boyfriend today. Last night I was freaking out (still am) about a memory that I thought I stopped caring about. I was spiraling so much I posted about it 😭. I was anxious many times during the date but It was also very nice. I tried my best to let thoughts flow, respond to them w “maybe, maybe not”, allowed myself to get triggered without performing compulsions, stop analyzing what I’m feeling (or not feeling), I just tried to push through with my day. I went to the mall so there were PLENTY of triggers. This included pretty women with nice bodies, one masc lesbian or a man couldn’t tell (false attraction sucks). I also have this weird urge to look at women’s body parts, or people in general (this also happens with family members). For example, I’m afraid that I’ll accidentally look, notice, or see someone’s butt, boobs, groin, and they give me anxiety/discomfort. Since I try to avoid looking, ofc telling yourself to not look puts it at the forefront of your mind. I’m also short and for some reason I never look straight ahead. I just naturally always lower my gaze and if I just turn my head around I’m just naturally getting a view of peoples bottom half. Ive always been an anxious person so looking straight ahead gives me anxiety. If anyone reads this and has any tips for this PLEASE let me know. But anyways, In the beginning I was anxious and worried that I wasn’t feeling attraction or giddiness. We went to eat and I felt calmer, I wasn’t analyzing, and I was just allowing myself to be there. I was sad I wasn’t feeling the attraction I felt for him 3 months ago but I kept on w my day. I was also worried that I didn’t feel the urge or need to kiss him when I got into the car. But when he kissed me randomly, I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I started to feel peace and happiness just being there with him. The feelings weren’t loud but I loved it because the only feelings I have (anxiety, depression, numbness, fear) are very very loud. Just typing about the calm I felt makes me cry. The whole time I was trying to just sit with thoughts that my calmness and lack of loud crush feelings meant I just want to be friends with him, I’m in denial, or lying. I kept getting those thoughts after we went to a park and I was just comfortably sitting with him. I wasn’t thinking about anything I was just calm and content. TMI but on our way back we ended up kissing just a little bit and I was into it. I feel like I’m being too open but, I wasn’t analyzing I was just feeling his lips and I rlly liked the feeling. I even started to get a tiny bit tuned on by it (sorry😭). It felt a little bit addicting and I wanted to continue but we couldn’t bc he was driving. We kissed more before he dropped me off at home but I noticed how I started to subconsciously analyze my body again so it wasn’t as enjoyable bc I wasn’t fully present the whole time. I guess I was just checking if I was still enjoying it. The “mini me” in my brain was watching over everything in my body. This bummed me out and made OCD very happy bc it now has another thing to bother me about. We pecked, held hands, and were all affectionate throughout the date but it didn’t give me loud feelings of love or excitement so my mind is just panicking but i’m trying hard just to let these thoughts go. I initiated a lot of the pecks as well just bc I wanted to. It it felt normal, right to do, and I liked it. I loved the calm and close feeling I felt (emotionally and physically). But then thoughts popped up after like, “what if you’re doing it to test yourself or you feel like you have to? what if this is just a cover up because you can’t feel anything for men anymore and haven’t for years? if he knew about your memory (the one from last night) and ur ocd how would he feel? he deserves better because your a liar, the attraction is gone, and you don’t even know if you straight anymore. Your worried about a possible false attraction towards a masc lesbian and feel numb towards him and all men? your a liar and he deserves better.” It’s so exhaustingggggg 😭 I’m p sure I’m severely depressed and my body has been in shut down mode since this started (I was 15), and maybe even younger. My libido has been fried and gone for years so all I really want to do with him is just be calm, hangout, talk, spend time with each other, lay around, hug, kiss, and sleep (napping). When i’m fully in the moment with him and we do those things it’s like heaven on earth. I feel me again. Just hugging him brings me peace. I wanted to just get in the back seat to hug him and nap there. But bc my libido has been MISSING for all these years and it’s hard for me to enjoy something as small as kissing bc of compulsions and numbness, my OCD goes INSANE. All I want is to FULLY enjoy my relationship. Idc if this ends up being my last relationship, I pray that if there is a creator/higher power, it lets me enjoy this. Let me enjoy something for once. 21 years (btw i’m in college and write on here like i text😭 i don’t normally write/type as shitty as this) of mental health issues along w trauma from witnessing domestic abuse from ages 4-12. Can I just please have something work out for me? Can I just have a break for once? I feel like freedom from this mental torture was dangled in my face 3 months ago and it’s been snatched away again. My life feels like a cruel joke. I just want to feel normal. Let’s hope the meds I was prescribed help me a little. But even that makes my ocd flare and I’m too scared to take it. Alright long ass vent is over.