- Date posted
- 27w
This might be a bit disturbing but itās been weighing on my mind. From all the posts Iāve made, Iāve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldnāt have seen. A lot of it. I canāt remember much because itās blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely donāt understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I canāt take back and it weighs on me a lot. I donāt and canāt remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasnāt out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldnāt be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didnāt tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasnāt doing good mentally and spent daysāmonths ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didnāt have to tell her everything butā¦ It didnāt make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and Iām beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes itās all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but Iām trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet itās still there . Iām not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As Iāve grown Iāve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as Iām older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I donāt know what to say. I donāt know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but Iāve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I donāt know what to say. Iāve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didnāt want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didnāt want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didnāt want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I donāt know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.