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the NOCD Community

I’m scared because even before HOCD I enjoyed looking at girls bodies. Does this make me lesbian or bisexual? I never imagined doing anything with a girl though.

I saw somewhere that pedos can experience grief over attraction to minors and that’s honestly so scary to me. I’m 16 and I’m terrified I’ll always be attracted to other 16 year olds when I’m older. I’m constantly comparing and checking and I know I shouldn’t be but I just feel so lost about this theme, and that isn’t even reassuring since pedos can feel that way too. What if I was born a pedo and am just now figuring it out? I can’t imagine living as one, I would kms before I did anything but of course even that doesn’t matter because what if I still had that attraction, even if I was a non offending pedo. Sorry for the rant, I’m just looking for support and to know I’m not alone.

Really struggling today. Can’t get to a therapist in my area till next week. Anyone wanna share any tips they use to get through this that don’t involve a therapist to hold me over until next week? Thanks in advance :)

It’s ironic not to care about your own life yet to be forced to care about every single thing you touch or think you touched. I used to wonder if I’d go to hell and I realize I’ve been in hell for the last 18 years. First it came as obsessive cleanliness and order. And then came the tapping, counting, breathing, gesturing, blinking, chanting. I escaped this prison only to fall into the pit of contamination. If I touch contamination (or imagine I touched it), I will get it on surfaces I touch in the future and contamination will spread around me forever. Contamination isn’t specifically biological but it can be. It’s beyond that. Living things can be killed but contamination can linger. Clorox Wipes, hand sanitizer and soap can kill the biological component but only rituals can kill the contamination. How stupid, I know, I think about it all the time. Three years of therapy and a decade of different medications. Therapy helped with coping mechanisms but I don’t think any of the four major SSRIs have done a single thing for my OCD. Coping exercises, techniques and anxiety management are becoming exhausting. I can workout for 6-8 hours per day but dealing with OCD can take far, far longer deep into the night and forever. I am just so tired, I always want to sleep to escape. Sleep is the greatest gift. Every moment of my day is spent “managing” my OCD. It’s like drowning most of the time, coming up for a breath of air, occasionally. I am surrounded by landmines and simply touching one could leave me damaged for weeks or months at a time. Weed occasionally helps with the anxiety and helps me forget my obsessions. Getting really drunk makes them disappear as well. A little psilocybin does wonders. But none of these things are sustainable nor things I do or can do consistently. I don’t believe drugs are the solution unless you think about things like ketamine and Ibogaine. Good luck being able to afford the “quick fix” at $1200 a dose with no guarantees. I know, without a doubt that I will never live a normal life. Even at best, my mind will be robbed by the illness. Letting go has such appeal when you think of 30-40 more years of continuous doubt, anxiety, rage, bewilderment, depression, depersonalization. And that’s just the OCD. I am on a medication soup for my bipolar 1 and ADHD as well. Sometimes I imagine a normal life, sometimes I take lots of benzos and drink alcohol to forget. I’d love to forget… I have only been OCD in my dreams 4-5 times in my life. If I could lucid dream, I’d sleep forever. Sometimes it gets better but I have to remind myself it will always get bad again. After much hard work and progress, it get bad again. I have lost so many things to my OCD and years of my life. I regret so many decisions and opportunities I had that OCD hindered. OCD wrecked my chance at normalcy in college. I had the intelligence and charisma. I just always flaked on people because I had to “clean” or “organize”. What meaning do those things have if they destroy your life and sacrifice your friendships? Who decides how much time you have left? You? Your loved ones? I can easily make my own decisions but when I have people I love, I can’t make these same decisions. How much do you sacrifice for someone you love? How much pain is worth it? How many years of pain are required to become normal? How should you live knowing you will likely never be normal even with the best treatment money could buy? Besides obligations to our loved ones, why should we want to live so terribly? If drugs and therapy don’t help, when do you hang up the phone if you even can? Why am I even typing this, I have a therapist?

I just scheduled an appointment for NOCD therapy. I’ve been in an on and off relationship that started with major problems. It ended several times but the last time we broke up, it’s been a year since and there’s no major complications. I’m literally so happy with him. But I’m scared that when I start therapy, my therapist will judge me for my actions, my partners.

What to do, when you feeling that you liked the thoughts? And even enjoy them? When I clearly don't want to

What are some ERP exercises I can do about meaning/worth/reality? For example these last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about if this life/what I’m experiencing is real, intrusive thoughts such as “this doesn’t mean anything” or “what’s the point” Etc when I’m just trying to live, etc. I feel like if I’m thinking about it and searching for an answer too much I’ll go into a panic :(

Hi all this is my first post. I have a very specific, unique, debilitating ocd. I feel I am in control of what happens to family members. I don’t care about myself dying but I am constantly redoing things in order for my family to stay alive. especially my mom. Right now I feel if I don’t rewatch something on the television and think a specific thing, then my mom and I can’t be close or “normal” with each other or she will die. How can I let go of this? I have been in therapy for years. I am almost 30 and finally am done giving in to every compulsion. But I’m terrified of the risk of living day to day and risking my mom dying because I didn’t rewatch something on tv. Please help if you can.

Anyone on Anafranil? I think that’s how you spell it. My doctor is reluctant to prescribe it and just keeps upping my lexapro.. thanks guys!!

Hi, looking for some solidarity here :) I’m wondering if anyone in this community has relationship ocd? Like obsessively questioning if you fell out of love/ ever were in love or you’re attracted enough. I’ve never met anyone with the same experience! This Covid 19 crisis has given me more time to worry and I’m hoping I’m not alone in these thoughts

Someone please help!! My HOCD is taking over my life. It feels like it is engulfing me and preventing me from taking a breath. It came on about 6 months ago when i had a thought ‘what if I’m gay?’. And since then it has been racing around my head everyday. I think back to things in my childhood which seem to ‘confirm’ that I am not straight but whenever I imagine doing something with another girl, it repulses me. I used to watch videos of girls twerking when I was younger, i don’t even know why. I got turned on by it but I don’t want to be intimate with a girl. I’ve always had so many crushes on guys. Before my HOCD, I also often felt uncomfortable in changing rooms and i don’t know why. Is this normal? I just want my life to go back to normal:( It feels like I will never be happy again and I am so exhausted from putting on a brave face and acting as if i’m okay to my family and friends even though I am breaking inside.

Anyone else here have harm ocd :(

Wow I'm so triggered. I was watching a interview with Russll Brand and he said in it "all my life had the feeling something bad will happen to me and alot of those things happened to me, like going to jail, getting sacked from my job etc" I'm so freaked out. I always the feeling something bad will happen to me... :(

I feel like when I just accept my thoughts by agreeing with them it definitely feels like I am making them true. It doesn’t come with any anxiety anymore though but it’s still hard because I really want to fight back and I don’t wanna like girls (I am a girl). Sometimes I can look at normal social media stuff without thinking anything and then I realize that I have been looking at girls without reacting and then I start overthinking that and so then it changes my whole perspective till I forget about it again and then the whole cycle starts over. Like I just want to think normal like I did before without even being worried about this stuff. It’s like every time I say “yea that’s true cool” I’m actually believing it and then I’ll think that I’m actually going to like girls in the future and I don’t want that I want to marry a boy. So every time i see old couples I say “well that’s not gonna be you”. What do I do with this? It’s taking the excitement out of couples when I used to love watching old couples and imagining myself like that one day with my bf

How do you know, despite all the lack of feelings or strange feelings and thoughts you have, if it’s still rOCD or already you falling out of love?

Has anyone ever experienced a mix of real event and false memory ocd?

I feel so paranoid and like I am going crazy ?. I was alone & I remember just literally sitting there and being paranoid that I just said something when all I remember is just sitting on my phone .. I was talking to myself a bit before but positively . Basically my mind thinks that I said “I love myself “ which i wouldn’t have any problem with ofc but it’s making me think that I was thinking something that I’m not while saying it, obviously something that angers me because I am not and it ruins my happiness, but again I doubt I said anything to begin with and I just don’t know anymore for sure but again even just after I didn’t remember ? even moments after I did not remember, I just stopped and said “did I say anything?” I couldn’t put my finger on it... my mind assumed and then of course latched on to a very big trigger. I don’t know what to think I believe it’s not true and not knowing for sure kills me but I genuinely believe this didn’t happen I just can’t bring myself to believe it. I feel so helpless and attacked like you can literally just be sitting there and your OCD attacks and leaves you in shambles. Like my mind always believes that it happened but never it didn’t... What do you guys think?? What do I do??? help!!! ??

Does anyone here have a tendency to fixate particularly on something or someone to the point where it overtakes your entire life? I feel like I can’t live my own life because I’m so invested in the life of someone else. (She is a celebrity.) I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve never heard of anyone having this to the degree and intensity that I do and I feel so alone...

As with most kids who are given internet access at a young age, I was exposed to pornography at a pretty young age (11-12 maybe). Recently, I’ve started to become more aware of the impacts it can have on you and your relationships and have been feeling really guilty afterwords. I’m currently in an amazing relationship that I’m so thankful To have, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m hiding anything from my girlfriend or anything. I want to be honest with her, maybe try and figure out how to stop this addiction. I just don’t really know an appropriate time to bring up this sort of thing. Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? Thank you for taking your time to read.

Does anyone have any recommendations on all natural supplements that help with their ocd? (Obviously not ERP and CBT therapy). I am having a hard time deciding on if I should get on meds or not. Unsure of if they make a huge positive impact.