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Does anyone else find it hard to open up to your loved ones about how you feel? Is it necessary to tell your family what you think about, or is it okay for them to just be aware of what's going on?

Hi! I was recently diagnosed after some deep thinking into my past- realizing I’ve had OCD for as long as I can remember. I’m having a difficult time accepting I still have it because my obsessions and compulsions don’t “fit” into a category like they did when I was a kid. When I was a kid it’s obvious now: -Constant fear that I was dying of cancer or another illness and couldn’t/wouldn’t tell anyone -fear of “germs” or “dead skin cells” that I would make into a joke -any time I traveled by plane I would pray the same prayer for sometimes hours at a time because I was convinced a terrorist would hijack the plane -counting down from 10 in areas like malls, movie theaters, etc. bc I “knew” a bomb would explode and we would all die when I finished So clearly I had a deep fear of death and everything I did revolves around that Now as an adult I feel guilty even saying I have it. (Even though the first time I even realize I had it as a kid, which seems obvious now, was this year). But everything I do fits into a different category. A big part to me is that the stuff I do seems less extreme than as a child because now I logically know I’m not dying of cancer. For example as an adult: (I’m 23) -peeing 5x or more before bed in a 15 minute period -still have the germ thing but not to the degree I had it as a child so I’m like is it still a thing and I can just hide it well? I will wash my hands while inside multiple times despite doing nothing to dirty them but not like 20x -absolutely CANNOT fall asleep unless my nighttime stuff is right (earplugs, lotion on hands, thighs can’t touch, can have my arm circulation being cut off, and others) I guess what I’m saying is so often I feel like “well maybe i don’t actually have it now. I clearly had it as a kid but not now! Now I think I’m just weird!” I have this fear that I accidentally tricked my therapist and psychiatrist to diagnose me? So, does anyone else experience this? Who had childhood OCD especially?

A little clarification on my (and many others’) experience with HOCD. Yes, “I don’t care what my sexuality is, I just wanna know for sure” makes the case for HOCD stronger and more ‘qualified’ sounding- however that is not the only HOCD can manifest. Saying that, can trigger some HOCD sufferers who are simply weary of identifying as lgbtq (an understandable fear). Do NOT get me wrong however. I would do ANYTHING for my friends who are bi and gay. I love them SO dearly and will fight for them for forever. Lgbtq folk who struggle with their identities, and not being loved by the people who are supposed to love them no matter what- INSPIRE me with their resilience. Their strength. Their confidence to live out who they are to the fullest extent. I watched the movie Love, Simon and cried like a baby, and am incredibly excited that Pete Buttigieg is the USA’s first openly gay presidential candidate. However this does not discount the struggles that many lgbtq people face. So many are not accepted by their families, have extremely difficult life transitions, and agonize over coming out. These are not things that people willingly want to go through. Is is completely unreasonable for someone suffering with HOCD to also fear these things? As an example (I’m black)- there is a difference in saying that you wouldn’t want to be black because you believe we are less than, versus saying that you wouldn’t want to struggle with the same things that we do. Just because you understand the trials and tribulations that black people go through in this country and would not want that for yourself, does NOT mean you are racist. It simply means you understand that there is pain. And no human willingly wants pain. Although these are exact things lgbtq people have to deal with (making HOCD distinctly different from most other pure o themes because it becomes impossible to differentiate us from people actually struggling with their identity) it shouldn’t be ignored that HOCD sufferers fear them too! Why wouldn’t we? This is such a deep rooted issue for sufferers because, where you could say someone who is suffering with POCD would never hurt a child simply because their thoughts horrify them (and a real pedophile wouldn’t be scared of their thoughts) you can’t say the same for HOCD. For some of us HOCD people who have these specific fears, it’s even more difficult to trust that what we have is ocd and it’s even more difficult to explain to someone else that what we have is ocd. I’ve had different themes of OCD throughout my life and the obsessive and compulsive behaviors have been the same, but this one makes me feel like I don’t even get to qualify. What a mind-fuck for us, huh? Also understand, this definitely isn’t my only fear. I have been attracted to, day-dreamed about, and desperately wanted to be with one gender my entire life. Having a husband was something I’ve wanted for so very long. It IS a part of who I am and what I want. It’s distressing to think this could all be lost one day. To have these ‘dreams’ stolen by obsessive thoughts, and be made to believe that it was all a lie- is just as hard to deal with as any other form of ocd. When I envision the life that ocd is telling me I “actually” want- I’m filled with sadness. How do any of the rest of you deal with your ocd telling you that you want (or want to do) something- that you actually don’t? I know this can be controversial, and truly truly hope I do not offend anyone- lgbtq friends, I truly do love you. I just want everyone to know that what we can struggle with within each theme, can be very different- but none are any less important or qualified than the others. If you truly disagree and want to share, please be kind. I am just as fragile as a lot of us on here. I’m suffering too.

Does anyone else get tired from other people's problems? I'm just so exhausted having to talk people down from suicide, or comfort them about shit situations. I probably sound like a bad person because of this, but in very empathetic. It affects my mood and makes me upset and suicidal, too. But I cant just tell someone to fuck off, or go to someone else. That's mean. I want to be there for people but I cant handle it. Idk what to do.

I’m really worried I’ve been doing my ERP exercises wrong on the app):

So what is an example of ERP treatment for this sub type of OCD does anybody know?

Hello, i joined this app to like talk about hocd. I'm not officially diagnosed but I do have ocd. Ive been having hocd (or so I think). I experience intrusive thoughts of women. The thought of being gay or bisexual scares me a lot. The thought of kissing or dating them makes me cry. I would like to speak a bit more with another member since I'm not comfy sharing this :(

Well My pocd really annoying me today. It’s the most awful mental illness. I live in supported accommodation so in theory I could talk to my carers about this but i feel ashamed and worried they would just think I’m perverted. It’s a very isolated illness. I’ve tried reaching out to a crisis text service called shout but I always wimp out in case they also don’t understand. I doubt they would but I think to myself maybe they will think I’m a danger and call the police. I know we are all in lockdown, but there are a number of people in my shared house I could socialise with but I’m distancing myself as I find it difficult when I’m out with friends and there are children about. The idea that my friends discover my thoughts and don’t understand is terrifying. This illness makes no sense and I don’t know how to handle it right now. My coping methods are going for walks and talking to my parents. I’ve already been out walking for two hours today and I don’t want to call my mum and dad just to bring them bad news. All I can think is that tomorrow is a new day and that maybe after a good nights sleep I may feel better tomorrow or after going walking tomorrow. I am on the waiting list for what my local mental health team call psychology. I think they use cbt and I’m hoping also erp. This is however future support and not with me now. I would be interested to hear how other people with this affliction cope and what strategies and methods you use. Getting intrusive thoughts about random people on the street bothers me but only a little it’s when I get them about family members that I find most difficult. I got these thoughts on a Skype call yesterday which triggered all this negativity and sadness. I think I suffered badly with the Skype call as I expected no intrusive thoughts and wasn’t prepared so in theory next time I will expect the thoughts and so they won’t upset me as much. Thanks

For the record I’m positive on some of my posts here because I can help people on here more than I can help myself. If therapist’s can’t help me than I’m pretty much fucked but I figured I’d help people on here who aren’t as fucked as me. Also I am more fucked than anyone on here if you’d like to compare go ahead I’ll win every time. Face your OCD like it’s a bully. Agree with the ass hole and eventually it will stop. Don’t over do your erp and don’t do erp without seeing a therapist and letting them guide you through it first. My therapist’s messed me up because they saw I wasn’t having anxiety and knew I was doing erp on my own already and instead of telling me to stop they were hoping it would just get me anxiety eventually but that never happened and now it’s fucked me for who knows how many yrs if I even last for a few yrs. don’t do erp on your own until your therapist has guide you through it till you can do it on your own. It will stop but don’t do anything on your own. Hope this helps you all in your recovery.

What can I do if I am extremely worried of running out of money?

Obsession or compulsion? I'm getting so confused. So normally something scary pops into my head and I start thinking about it. And I pull in other things, related things, or make it a lot worse than it it. I can think myself to the point of a panic attack. I thought this was a compulsion, because I can do it for hours and if I'm interrupted I have to start over. But I stop doing it because it does me no good and brings me to panic levels of anxiety. I'm really confused now because I'm starting ERP and the goal of exposure is to get myself really anxious. Well googling and ruminating is what makes me really anxious..... but it's also what I do for hours and can't stop... so.... what do I do? If I obsess and google to the point of a panic attack to "expose" myself then what? I would still just google and obsess. ? If I have the initial thought and just don't ruminate it just goes away and I'm no longer anxious. And that seems way too easy. I can't be doing this right.

Title: first pOCD story + false memories [Trigger warnings] pOCD, false memories, self-harm [Introduction] this is the earliest story I remember I have dealt with pocd - I don't remember how it all started. It causes me panic, sleepless nights, suicidal ideation and motive to cut myself. [basic information] female, 20s, I identify as demisexual panromantic (you can think of myself as bi), in therapy with a non-ocd specialist but diagnosed with it by 2 different psicologists since November 2019 (though I haven't had therapy since February due to the virus), I suffer from pOCD since early-mid 2017. My OCD exploded into major proportions in July 2019 - - - × - - - Like I've mentioned before, this is one of the first events (or the very first) that made me wonder if I was a "p". Summer 2017, I went to a friend's house and I met her younger sister (8, at the time). She was very sweet, pretty, adorable and I liked her so much! She showed me her toys and she was always around me... But in that moment, I feared I felt some sort of romantic attraction to her... Sometimes I get on the verge of tears because it was so strong... - this felt like attraction. As I'm recalling the day, I'm remembering the warm feeling I experienced (like I was developing a crush). I spent the whole day panicking internally, wondering If I was "p" and if I was attracted to her - I tried to dismiss the thoughts believing my head was trying to fool me so I still enjoyed the day and tried to fight those thoughts by engaging with her and playing with her, despite the fear I felt. I've always wanted a little sister and one day (at that time), I wanted to have a daughter someday. Later that day, we went to the pool and I played with her again and even gave her piggyback rides and grabbed her and thrown her into the water (like I used to do with my brother). This where my false memories begin. (due to my OCD and constant worrying, my brain became fried and the wrong portions of the memory are broken and make me wonder what I did) December 2019, I put the idea on my head that I have "hurt" a child on the past. And this is the only story I have where I interacted with a child. While I gave her the piggyback ride, I don't remember where I placed my hands: under her legs (the right way) or under her butt. For this reason, I am absolutely terrified that I placed my hands on her butt with evil intentions. Part of me believes this "memory" is false because I have never done anything inappropriate (that I remember); my piggyback rides are always the right way (but I I also vaguely remember pondering that I obviously had to hold her correctly); for the longest time I had a "clear" conscious (which means that I thought I didn't do anything wrong except wondering if I was attracted to her); I don't remember having evil intentions. But my mind... It doubts everything... It's tiring. I don't think I felt arousal or any groinal response. But I can't be sure. My memories of that day are very blurred. I've shared this story with my therapist and she told me that the reason for this fear is because I was mentally sexually abused by a family member and I'm terrified of doing to others what people have done to me. (and I always hated being touched in the butt) plus, according to her, due to the lack of affection on my childhood, I can't tell the difference between affection and attraction. I remember enjoying her company and wanting to spend more time around her... But I'm so scared that I had bad intentions, because "p" people want to be around children. I feel like there was more than "having a child/sister for a day" because of my strong feelings for this girl. At the end of the day, I remember feeling guilty for fighting those thoughts… because I was afraid that I did something inappropriate that I didn't notice. I regretted this whole day. When I went back to her house, I avoided the child at all costs. I also would like to add that, thinking back about this event, I felt so disgusting and so evil… To be honest, I've always felt that way. Whenever I am insert in friendly social interactions, I feel like a monster, like I don't belong there. And that day was no exception but these these "evil" feelings were a lot bigger because of my thoughts and I honestly felt like a "p". Does it make sense? I felt so disgusting because I felt like one. I felt like a pervert… I felt dirty. This distress of thinking that my actions or conversations might have been inappropriate led me to crying, cutting myself and suicidal ideation.

Hey nOCD Fam! Opening up a Q+A session all day today if you have any questions on OCD Recovery and what life is like in recovery with OCD still there but maintained, if you are a skeptic if it because you are suffering so much, how ERP worked for me, anything. Love chatting with you guys, thanks for letting me lend a hand!

I have been in OCD recovery for about 7 months now. For the first 5 months I was making steady improvements but these last 2 I feel like I've hit a roadblock and can't seem to get past it. I don't want to settle for 'good enough' in this and I want to fully recover buf I don't know how to get past it. My therapist says I am self sabotaging but I'm not sure I agree with that. Anyone relate or have advice?

So I feel like I always have a hard time making any decisions or staying fully committed with something. I’ve been going to school what feels like an eternity and I feel like I’m not happy and want to change my major.. but idk if it’s really what I want. I’m always second guessing myself. Also I’ve been with my bf for about 2 years and I do love him but find myself second guessing our relationship..?? Is this just me or does this somehow have anything to do with my ocd?? I overthink everything...

Sucks when ocd and trauma leaks into your dreams. I had a bunch of weird nightmares and such the last day. And I’ve mainly slept all day and most of the night (it’s 1 am now I just woke up again) different nightmares about my dog that passed away, his cancer, and then one nightmare dealt with my fear of sharp objects in the body and holes in the body.. and then one dealt with my sexual intrusive thoughts and family which made me feel gross. I’m always having nightmares and have been more than not for years. Dunno why I’m not used to them by now. And I’m still anxious because of guilt so I’m just kinda like lying here wanting to isolate myself from everyone and trying not to. I’ve been feeling guilt for 3 days now like... I said last year I almost said I was 17 to do a reading program (I just wanted to do a reading program I miss childhood a lot) and my friend said something but later apologized but it set me off. Funny thing is I didn’t think about it at all until the other day. Not once has it been on my brain until the other day. Now I’m obsessing about it like crazy. I don’t get it. Ughhh i don’t mean harm and didn’t mean harm. Most of last year I was obsessed with my health and my fear of dying and then my best friend leaving me. So not once did that cross my mind at ALL. I completely forgot about it and now it won’t leave me alone.

It’s hard to be a Therapist when your own OCD is at a 10. That’s what I was dealing with for the past month. I had to fight through my desire/obsession to hospitalize myself to get stable and do everything I could to work on things myself. Hospitals are not a great place to be right now. I got the mental health support and medication adjustment I needed as well as so much support from family and friends. I’m so grateful! I was really in a bad place. And it was hard as hell for several weeks. I felt trapped, helpless, and terrified. But I’m doing so much better now and I’m back to being the Therapist I need to be for the people I serve. OCD doesn’t define me, it just makes me a stronger and more effective Therapist and advocate to End The Stigma!!

I began struggling with pocd about 3 months ago. I’m the mom of two boys ages 3 and 7. Soon after that theme started for me, I discovered I was pregnant which was a surprise. At some point I latched on the the “what if I acted on my pocd fears and that is how this pregnancy came to be.” This led to me exerting all my energy to figure out if that was true, checking my memories ect. I began feeling like I had a “memory” even though that memory is very vague and details of it sometimes change when I try to recall it. Anyway, I’m struggling a great deal by now thinking I’ve acted on my pocd fears and now I’m carrying a child of incest. I get thoughts such as “what if I was half asleep?” Ect. And maybe that’s why I can’t remember it clearly. I’ve even gotten to the point of contemplating terminating this pregnancy because I just don’t know how to make it through with these thoughts. I feel like I will have the baby and something will be majorly wrong with it. Eventually tests will be run ect and all of my fears will turn out to be true. Then I will be separated from everyone and everything that I love and have to live out the rest of my life in a prison cell.

Idk who needs to hear this but ERP always works. I've tried everything. I've tried thinking my way out of it. I've tried doing good acts of kindness to make myself feel less guilty about my obsessions. I've tried relying on meds to solve the problem. I've tried reasoning with OCD so it gets itsway and I have my way. It doesn't work. You can't reason with OCD, you just have to look at it in the eye and say, "Fuck you, fine. I'm (blank). My life is going to be ruined and everyone I love will hate me or die. That's just how it is I guess". It will put up a hell of a fight, but it will slowly wither away. Please do it if you haven't tried it!

Used to think my having HOCD was some magic guarantee that my fear of being not straight couldn’t be true or ever come true; obviously now I see that was a dangerous compulsion but it’s extremely hard seeing examples of people with HOCD recovering and then discovering/accepting they are actually bi or gay. That’s the biggest fear that I think keeps me from properly throwing myself into recovery because I feel like my anxiety is proof of my sexuality or something.