I feel awful. I think Iām at a low point, but Iām not even sure what that means at this point. It feels like my life for the past 4 years has been a low point, if Iām being pessimistic. I just feel totally unsatisfied with my life and who I am. Iām 16, and ever since coming to college, despite academically succeeding, Iāve lost myself. My best friend, who I was incredibly close to (since we were 4), just decided to start being super close with a girl who we both fell out with massively last year, and to my disbelief, sheās basically left me and itās not a big deal to her, seemingly. That sounds dramatic, but trust me, I couldnāt say it any other way without understating (shes done this so many times in the past). When we see each other in school, everythingās fine and weāre usually getting along as we would otherwise, but itās just very different. We would FaceTime multiple times every day, (usually her ringing me) and that just stopped. Completely. And a lot of other things. Sheās failing school, but she has a boyfriend and so many friends, but I donāt. I basically have one friend, and her. I hate it. All of my friends from high school (Iām from the UK, so high school is 11-16) went to a different 6th form, and it seems like everyone in this college has so many friends and I hate that I donāt, but I try and have compassion for myself in knowing that itās mostly circumstantial, and all of those people came to this college with their friend groups, but it still makes me feel awful.
Itās starting to turn into self-resentment and if Iām being honest, resentment for other people. In my own perceptions, which Iāll admit are likely incorrect a lot of the time, it feels like no one really likes me, and that Iām annoying, or not interesting enough. I have fears when Iām laying in bed at night that when I go to university, I wonāt have any good friends. It terrifies me. Iāve been having so many migraines, and Iām in school every day, but recently, Iāve been having to take time off because of them. I donāt have a migraine which is just a head ache. Firstly, I cant see, and then I cant speak, and then I throw up, and then I get an immensely debilitating head ache that basically lasts all day. I worry that my teachers donāt believe me, but thereās nothing I can do. I just feel terrible. I hate myself. I donāt want to, but I do. I feel like most people in my circumstances would. I donāt know what to do. And of course, Iām here, so on top of all of this, I have OCD, so that makes things just the more better.
I want therapy, but I canāt afford it. My mum tells me that Iām āhappyā and that I donāt need therapy. And, not in a Scientology kind of way, she doesnāt believe in mental illness. She had severe post partum depression and anxiety, for which she got treated therapeutically and it worked, but she says that she believes all mental illness is trauma, and she doesnāt think I have trauma, so she doesnāt think I need therapy. Iām not even exaggerating, thatās her philosophy.
