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the NOCD Community

How does OCD come about? For me, someone said something that "made sense" and then someone else said something that I ruminated on and bam, there was the first intrusive thought. At first I laughed it off. I was so secure in myself that the thought didn't bother me. Then began the "it should bother me", "why did I even think it?", "what if it is true", "I don't want to lose my bf", "it's not true now, but what if it will be in the future" (linked to what one of the things said by someone I know), which of course led to so much guilt for thinking it (I have a bf), I ended up telling my bf then became anxious he would leave me (he didn't) and then I fell down the rabbit hole with it getting worse and worse, for about a year. Then I discovered SOCD. Now I'm trying not to look into my past, but can't help wonder if there were any warning signs that I had OCD waiting to reveal itself. Is that even possible?

I always am convinced my husband is cheating on me , his son passed away and he’s been in contact with the mother , she’s engaged but it’s still his ex. He said she will always be family she only texts if it’s about the son or his truck and he doesn’t delete any of the messages but I’m always freaking out about it

Hello everyone! I've been struggling a lot about something, if you could help me it would mean a lot! Thank you!! :) So about 1/2 years ago I was really xcited about starting this sport, figure skating, but then there were no spots left to join in the practices so I ended up not joining. Six months passed and I got the news that there was this one spot for me now! Thing is at that time, I wasn't as much excited but I also rally wanted to! Problem started when I started feeling the need to obsess over figure skating to prove that I really liked it; it's like it would be a crime if I lost interest or wasn't excited to just not go for a practice for one day. It felt like, I needed to like that sport. Deep down, I loved doing that but I never knew my true feelings about it since I'd overthink so much. Then I eventually got through it and it was an amazing relief. These past couples months tho, I met this one boy. He's really cute, and I really like him. But in the start, although I was attracted to him, from the moment on he showed the same interest I kind of wanted him to back off. Guess what happened: the same as with figure skating. It's like I felt the need to like him. Every little thing could be a sign that I liked him more or less. Sometime ago tho I started having feelings for him, but not really the exciting ones when you have a crush, it's more like just a, loving feeling. So since I had nothing to lose, wanted to go for it so much and could actually have answers I went for a relationship with him. It helped a lot tho. I feel really confortable around him, and I don't know how to explain; as I said it's not a outbreath feeling but more of a calm love one. When you love the person but don't feel obsessed over them you know? What's bothering me is, the guilt of losing feelings for him or that non obsessive love meaning that I don't like him that much persues me a bit. I really want to overcome this, really. I just want to be happy with how I actually live and not concerned about my thoughts. Thank you

I forget that by being very depressed and not eating a lot can also help you lose weight smh🤦🏻‍♂️😂. I’m at least under 200lbs now...

possibly unrelated. but can the girls help me out. i’m 15 and i’m having a full panic and breakdown over how my boobs haven’t grown since i started puberty 4 years ago. i don’t even fit an AA cup and my family think it’s funny. i don’t want to be small

My boyfriend is considering breaking up with me I can't stop crying

Does anyone else with ocd feel like they’re gonna be alone forever? I’m 21 and have never had a girlfriend or even kissed anyone and it makes me feel like a loser. Every time I try to get close to a woman I’m interested in I always get friend zoned. I feel like I’m never going to find anyone and it sucks seeing all of my fiends in relationships and getting married, having kids and being happy. I feel like I’m gonna be the one that’s always left out.

the way a year ago having babies was a dream for me and being a mom was this huge plan i had and i would watch mom videos on youtube and now i feel depressed about it and can’t even look at children without feeling guilt because of POCD intrusive thoughts. it makes me feel like a monster inside and it’s so far from who i am and what my intentions are. it makes me feel sick and gross and it’s like my brain does it on purpose, it sees me happy and instead of basking in the peace of it, it will push horrible gross disturbing graphic images in my head and i feel guilty so then my happiness disappears. i know i would never hurt a child, that’s not what i am worried about, it’s the intrusive thoughts i can’t stand. sitting with the anxiety is horrible because the thoughts just get more and more graphic and horrible so i react and i can’t control it. if i could i would erase my brain and restart. it attacked my biggest fear and made me feel like i WAS what i fear and now i can’t live normally. i can’t be around children because then my POCD will be triggered and i will have intrusive thoughts that self sabotage and make me feel guilty and anxious and i hate it so much. it’s HELL ON EARTH. it’s so painful to want to be something so bad (a mom) but you’re own brain is against you and fights you and says you’re evil. it’s even worse when graphic disgusting thoughts follow up with it and you’re stuck in a mental battle for days and days. women my age are dating and planning their lives and i am here scared of my own brain. it’s so sad and i don’t want to pity myself because i feel unworthy, but it’s like i don’t know if i could live like this. how do people wake up everyday with POCD and get better and stay positive. i try SO hard, like i even tell myself when i have an intrusive thought “ok don’t react” because i know it’ll make the thought louder, but it’s so difficult because the thoughts are so disturbing that i want to fight them. the guilt is IMMENSELY PAINFUL too like i feel like i am unworthy of being a human because of my POCD and i will never be a “good person” truly and that terrifies me. the last thing i would ever want is to have these thoughts, i rather anything else, but that’s why they come i guess, my brain knows i’ll react to them and it’s truly the worst because it’s a mental prison. all i want is a break from this horrible disorder and take a breath and feel normal again. my heart goes out to anyone with horrible intrusive thoughts and POCD bc it’s such a SCARY theme to have and it’s something that traumatizes you. :(

Having a tough couple of days at the moment because i finally gave into the compulsion of reading the masterdoc the other day. I feel as though all my crushes on guys can be explained by comp het and that none of it was real. Im worried i might have had a crush on a girl when i was 15 or so but didnt realise it at the time even though i was already having intrusive thoughts about this back then as well so i dont know if it was checking or actually true. Ive been trying to accept that im probably a lesbian but im really struggling. I dont want to do anything anymore and i just feel numb. I dont feel attracted to guys anymore either but i also cant imagine myself with a girl either but i genuinely think im in denial at this point and ive just been using ocd as an excuse. I feel like i cant go to a therapist because its probably not ocd anymore and i just feel really stuck and guilty about everything and dont know what to do. I know i should try and accept the uncertainty but i feel like its all true now and i cant get past that thought. Sorry for the long post and im really sorry if i triggered anyone. I would appreciate any replies, im just feeling very alone to be honest..

What did medication help for you guys?

Interested in your experience: How do you guys recognise that ocd tries to trick you into a compulsion that could trigger you into spiralling/relapsing? I sometimes find it difficult to recognize in the moment but for me its usually when I get a sudden urge/idea to review/read/watch something related to my theme. my theme is sexual orientation OCD, so usually it's when I see a video or book/article about that theme that I suddenly feel I have to watch it right now to make sure that I don't relate or feel triggered by it to make sure it doesn't bother me. Then when I do it often it does trigger me hard and I feel scared and upset with myself. I feel the difference between a compulsion and using it for ERP is to not watch it while I feel that urge and need to know right now but wait until it passes and then maybe watching it later with a more mindful attitude about what I am doing... would you agree? I am curious how you experience that and where you draw the line between a trigger, a compulsion and exposure? It's so difficult to differentiate, especially when you deal with mostly mental compulsions...

I am not diagnosed with OCD but could really use some guidance. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been dealing with this thought that I had cheated on my bf in the first few months of our relationship and I believe it’s a false memory as I have no recollection of it happening and it only appeared in my head 15 months after it “happened”. Background: I’ve been with my bf now for 2 years and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and love him so so much. I went abroad for the summer for 2 months and we kept in contact the whole time (texting, video calls). I was always referring him as my boyfriend to other people when I was out there even though back then, he didn’t ask me since he wanted to wait till I returned home. There was one night I was out with one of my friends and a couple of her friends (all guys). I wasn’t drunk and I remember most parts of the night, including the end when I got in a taxi and I called my bf cause I was upset caused I missed him so much. There was a part of the night where I got separated from my friend so I was there with some of the guys I had met earlier in the night. I remember one particular guy who was there but I didn’t find attractive. However, I have this thought in my head that during that time I was separated from my friend that I kissed him. I am 90% sure that I didn’t as I remember other parts of the night before and after the event and I feel like I would’ve remembered some sensory aspect of it as I remembered sensory aspects of other people I have kissed. I also know how I would’ve felt immediate regret and upset with myself after the nights events but I was in good spirits the day after and for the rest of the trip. It also appeared in my head a year and 3 months initially after it “happened”. I know this is me looking for reassurance but I have no other means of getting reassurance. I haven’t told anyone about this thought as I am scared that it isn’t a false memory and I blocked it out all this time. I literally can’t think of anything else other than this and the more I think about it, the more real it feels. Has anyone ever experienced false memories about cheating and if so, do you have any advice on how to manage these thoughts or make them go away, it would really help 😭

How is it possible that for so much of my relationship I could feel so confidently in love and attracted to my male partner, then suddenly, almost if by magic overnight, I questioned the validity of every second of it, even of the moments in the past when I had head over heels feelings for guys and longed for them endlessly? How is it possible that I went from infatuated with my bf every second to questioning whether I'll ever know for sure that I genuinely like men? This is the worst torture I have ever known as a human, and I was seriously abused by my parents my whole childhood, so to say this is worse is saying a lot. The worst feeling in the world is feeling constantly dissociated around my boyfriend to the point that he feels like a stranger, feeling as if every perceived good moment with him in the past was all but an illusion or a repressed trick I played upon myself because I was unaware of some truth. These are the scripts that play through my head 24/7 with no relief. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. I'm afraid I'll never enjoy life again like I once did with my partner.

i just heard something that said “you CAN control your thoughts” and now i am worrying that i purposely have horrible disgusting “p” thoughts and i am a evil person inside. lately i have been in a really mentally dark place, everyday feels repetitive, trying to deal with the anxiety of these thoughts and the CONSTANT gut wrenching guilt that comes with them and feeling unworthy of living. it’s been hell to say the least. i feel like i am genuinely messed up and i have no chance at fixing myself and it’s causing me so much pain internally. i can’t sleep at night, i can’t think normally, i can’t be myself. i feel horrible, i can’t afford therapy and it’s hard to really be real about this kinda stuff bc most wouldn’t understand, it’s self sabotaging and i am not living. i am so grateful for my life, i want to be a mom one day and enjoy motherhood and be happy, but ocd ruins it all for me. i am up until 3am having panic attacks over thoughts that i don’t want, i am wasting away my life just worrying and being guilty and feeling like i am not a good person and i am TERRIFIED. just wanted to let this out and share this so someone doesn’t feel alone or feel like they have “worse” thoughts so they must not have ocd bc i have TERRIBLE HORRIBLE DISTURBING TRAUMATIZING intrusive thoughts and i can’t even tell you how much pain i am in....

Ok let’s say I really am a lesbian or bi. I don’t have a problem with being it if I was comfortable with it! But I don’t understand why I would go through all this if I really was homosexual. Like if I was a lesbian, wouldn’t I know and like don’t question every single thing in my life and have so much anxiety because of the uncertainty? I wouldn’t mind being a lesbian if it made me very secure in myself and happy! But I am not, I hate this. If I end up being a lesbian after all (this gave me much anxiety to write) it was a HELL of a process? I don’t understand how my sexuality just change? After being sure of my sexuality all my life.

I honestly just need somewhere to vent because I have nobody to talk to. My boyfriend and I live together, and he hasn't had a job since March 9. We just moved into a new apartment, which took our savings from about $8500 down to $1300 (bought a new couch, bed, had to pay on both apartments for a month while transitioning into the new place). Even when we both worked and made $15 an hour, I was always so worried about money and I would cry anytime we spent money on anything. I make $13 an hour at my new job, and even if I work 40 hours a week, it still would not cover our bills (about $2000). Ever since he quit the job in March, he has had 3 different jobs which he has quit within 3 days of starting. He just says they aren't what he's looking for. These next 2 weeks my store manager is on vacation so they are letting me work as many hours as I want to. I will work about 45 this week and 54 next week (after working 45 last week). I have tried to get my boyfriend to doordash but he says he doesn't want to do it alone. We have gotten into multiple arguments, but in the end I can't win. I even had a thought last week of kicking him out. I just feel so alone and I can't talk to my family about it because I don't want them to judge and think he's a bum. I can't even talk to my best friend about it because she says "I don't know what to tell you" anytime I vent to her about him. I'm sorry for the long rant, I just needed somewhere to put my thoughts before I explode

this is hard to explain, but i am always ruminating on the mistakes i made during my last relationship (july 2019-november 2019) during the relationship, i was struggling really badly with intrusive thoughts and relationship OCD but i was undiagnosed and much less mature. i had constantly avoided kissing my boyfriend as i was obsessed with the idea of my first kiss and i wanted it to be perfect. i was so scared i would do something and he'd break up with me and i often questioned if i was just lying to myself about liking him just so i wouldn't be lonely anymore. i was overthinking everything i said to him, sometimes i couldn't even look him in the eyes because of how badly i was worrying. he broke up with me in november 2019 (very nicely lol) but i still talk to him and we are still friends. the problem is, i look back on our relationship all the time and blame myself for everything. i do think i still love him, and sometimes i find myself thinking "if only i had known about my OCD" or "i wish i could tell him about my OCD now so he can know it wasn't his fault it didn't work". he is a wonderful person and i was lucky my first relationship was with him, but im scared he thinks he did something wrong that made me so closed off and weird. many times i consider texting him an apology or a big explanation, but considering its been a year and a half i think that's a little weird. has anyone ever experienced this or does anyone have any advice? it keeps me up at night and i don't talk about it with my best friend because she knows him and i don't want her knowing how much i still think of him.

Starting ERP today. For the last few days, I’ve been calm about it. Now that today is the today, I am so anxious. My heart has been beating out of my chest all day.

I’m just so fuckin pissed. I don’t understand why I’m being triggered. I’m not fuckin gay. I’m never going to fuck a dude I’m never going to ask a guy out or hold there hand or kiss them or any of that shit. I just have weird thoughts that pop up when I see a girl now which causes this fucking endless arousal feeling cuz I just can’t see a girl like regular anymore. I get that. There isn’t a perfect erp for this ocd. Yes there’s times to where I can get a visual of a women and get an erection thinking about sex with a girl but I know it doesn’t stop my ocd of the stupid shit that pops up. Cuz I can go out and see a girl and boom there’s my ocd again saying “dick” or saying “dude” I’m not an idiot I understand this it’s never going to stop it’s never going away it’s going to be there and I have to live with this the rest of my life. I just want to stop being triggered in purpose cuz it’s not helping it’s just not. It’s just taking me away from being able to do something I love which is working out and being able to go to work to so I can workout. I know my life will never be normal again but I would just like peace and quiet when I come home from work so I can go to bed and wake up in the morning feeling good enough to go workout and go to work that is all I ask. I know I’m never going to be the same and live a normal life again I understand that but if I can have some normalcy of going to the gym and going to work then I will be just happy with that.

Wow its so damn hard to stop avoiding. And not to ruminate. I literally feel like I’m agreeing with the thoughts and like I’m gonna act on them, since I can’t prove myself otherwise. It is really hard because I feel something telling me to act on my thoughts and I can not fight back. It’s crazy and scary af.