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my ocd is so bad in the morning :(

I feel like no one knows the real me, I dont even know the real me anymore. OCD has been my identity for so long I always wonder who the f would I be without it. My thoughts and opinions change so rapidly I dont know if their my own anymore. My moods and emotions are so up and down I'm wondering what's the real way that I feel. Have I just been lying all my life.

Ok y’all i need help with something. Its related to racism and clothing. I saw this incredibly cute online store but i didn’t see much representation on it so i googled to see if it was racist but instead found that there was a controversy with this one designer who had a launch on their site. Online people were signing a petition that said white boutique (which is also why i feared it was racist) no to Sarah’s day. Sarahs day is the person being racist and homophobic and sending hate. I feel dumb for asking but should i not even shop at this store because of this person? Or is that extreme and should i just not purchase anything from that designers line? There are other stores out there but i don’t want to do something that my potentially strengthen my Ocd. Please help.

POCD has really started to make watching anime impossible for me. Since most anime characters are usually in high school or teens it’s really triggering for me now that i’m 20 almost 21 and no longer the same age as them. It’s really hard for me to watch anime without pausing or rewinding and looking at pictures of characters and analyzing their attractiveness to see if my feelings are normal or indicative of me being a monster. It’s like i can’t just recognize that a character can be drawn attractive without feeling like i have to be sexually attracted to them to think this way or that i can’t recognize any sort of sexual/attractive appeal without being a horrible person. I get that anime characters aren’t real and are drawn to be exaggerated and attractive and some characters look way older than they are but my black and white thinking makes it hard to not over analyze my feelings when the character is given and age of like 13-17. Groinal responses make this even harder and make me feel even worse sometimes, when i sit there trying to analyze my feelings towards a character and i have a groinal response it spikes my anxiety as I feel i just received proof i’m a monster. I just would like to watch anime again like i used to enjoy it.

Please help — not looking for reassurance but for advice/support! Exactly a year ago I hit my low. I had meltdowns/breakdowns frequently and felt absolutely overwhelmed and hopeless. I did nothing — no hobbies, no friends, no school. I didn’t even wash my own hair, I had my mom do it. I laid on a mattress on the floor almost all day. I truly hit rock bottom. OCD completely ruled and defined my life. In September-November 2020 I broke free and made lots of progress, applying ERP all on my own! In December 2020 I saw a NOCD therapist and my life truly looked up from there. In March I felt I basically had this thing wrapped up, I was rocking right along with ERP and enjoying my life again! I was doing school and my hobbies and even chasing my career again! But then I hit a terrible backdoor spike that I haven’t been able to get over for 2.5 months now??? I am back to dreading every single day because I know it will be more of the same, instead of feeling hope about the future. Daily existing is so hard I distract myself on my phone or with music all day. Anything to escape. I’ve missed three days of schoolwork now. I can’t believe I am back in this depression again. I just can’t stop my compulsions even though I know they are in my control!! Ahh sorry for the rant, but I hate this so much!! I was feeling so good and actually enjoying my life again, hanging out with friends and chasing after my career and liking my life again. Now I just cry and hate my daily existence again because I am having so much trouble stopping my compulsions. Today I just cried on the floor in my room. I’m SOOO upset that I’m in this terrible place again and don’t know how to get out of it. 😭 Sorry for the rant guys😩😩😩 ANY advice for how to deal with a backdoor spike? I KNOW that it’s just stupid freaking OCD and that you deal with it the same as you do any other obsession, but I’m having the hardest time with this and I don’t know why!!! It’s causing me such terrible depression again. 😭 (Also, the backdoor spike is literally just an obsession about rumination. The entire obsession is just the horrible awareness that I don’t know how to stop ruminating about this obsession. It’s rumination about rumination. SO stupid right? Not any serious theme, just an obsession about refraining from rumination right or wrong!)

I think I'm too young for hocd bcoz I'm only 16 year old

How did you guys realize you had ocd or something else than just anxiety going on? Like what was your discovery For me I always knew my anxiety was very different than what my peers were experiencing and in general just knew something was a bit off with myself, I was afraid to get help for so long bc I was afraid that my ocd was just who I was but then I started doing research and things started to make a whole lotta sense. I’ve been doing the work and have been in recovery for approximately a year

Intrusive thoughts are mental facts, haha don't chase after them just smell em and walk away haha they will eventually go away on their own.

Hey everyone my name is (irrelevant) I'm a 20, year old female. . I have these thoughts. Random unwanted thoughts. That I highly dislike (intrusive thoughts) they're usually highly graphic and vivid. Normally about children. But the thing is. I hate it. I dont like the thoughts (obviously) I dont want to harm a child. I would never do that the thoughts disgust me. When I am around a child and a thought pops up. Its absolutely disgusting and I would never act on them because I don't have the urge or desire to act upon them. . I know it's all in my head. And the fact that the more i allow myself to dwell and obsess over them. The more it'll harm me and get to me. I just wanna know I'm not the only one who has this same issue.

The LGBTQ+ community is such a trigger for my OCD to the point where I will try to go against the community because it causes so many triggers for me like what if i'm lesbian, maybe I'm non-binary because I don't identify with alot of womanly things well the typical things anyway, I'm not even a boyish woman either so that plays into OCD, the gender thing is a very new occurrence and I'm realising how OCD will take everything in my life and make it about themselves. I'm beginning to remember when I first developed sexual orientation OCD (I didn't know it was a thing at the time) it all started because I wanted to become accepting of the LGBTQ+ community (I used to be quite homophobic, I'm not anymore) so I started doing research which meant watching a lot of youtube videos especially coming out videos and instead of being like okay being gay is okay my OCD self had to be like now you're probably gay, it's like I cant accept or agree with a community without actually being apart of it, it's such an OCD thing. So anyway what made me remember this is because I was doing something similar today because I've learnt to accept transgender and non-binary people and I was watching a youtube video where this person that identifies as non-binary said a few things I could relate to, my OCD brain thought oh so you're probaby non-binary. Its like why cant I just learn new things, accept people but not have OCD feel like I have to identify the same as them. Thankfully the gender OCD isn't going to be a thing for me because I've spotted it very early so I can keep my eye on it and make sure I'm not doing OCD behaviours around my gender.

Lately it feels like I find my partner off-putting?? I think it’s a mixture of my soocd/rocd and an overall disconnection due to long distance for 7 months now but I feel horrible. I was looking at pictures of my partner and I felt like he was ugly??? I usually see his pictures and think “Wow 🥰” but now it’s like when my rocd first kicked in and I’m worrying about silly things again and I’m having trouble picturing a future with him? I’ve just been going through the motions and I hate it because I want to get that spark back with him. I’m sure long distance is playing a HUGE factor but I also don’t know how much of it is rocd? I love him, I’ll always love him, I want to be with him. I still want a future with him. But right now thinking of him just...hurts. I’m just scared of losing him or losing my love for him. I’m scared that this means our connection isn’t real. I want to see him so badly and I’m so afraid of losing our connection but as I type this I feel normal and that makes me feel guilty. It’s just been so long since I’ve held him..so long since we’ve been in each other’s presence. It takes a toll on me, I miss the person I am when he’s around. I miss him. I miss his energy, I miss his smile, I miss his scent and his arms wrapped around me. I miss how comfortable and happy I was when he was around. I miss being able to see him every Monday and Friday without fail. I miss everything. I know love is a choice and so I’ll continue to power through even with this disconnection but I’m so afraid I’ll never get back to my lovey-dovey self with him

Anybody have advice on groinal responses.

So I learned about what the dark web actually is today. I’d heard about it but never really knew what it was. Upon a few google searches I found out it’s a breeding ground for all things illegal. Everything from illegal porn, guns, hit men. But now I’m really scared the dark web is gonna find me just for looking into what it is. I’m scared I’m gonna end up dead even though I didn’t access it. I don’t want to access that place. The only thing that tried to open was some site from the dark web but wouldn’t open because apparently you have to have some super special browser or something.

I'm really upset about the new mask rules. I have had one dose of a pfizer vaccine but my OCD won't let me get a second one (scared of blood clots and the other terrible side effects known or unknown). I don't want people to not wear masks because how do we know if they were vaccinated for sure or not? Either way I'm keeping my mask on. I just know this is going to be a huge trigger for me and it will be tough going in to work and other simple places like grocery stores with people who have no mask on 😪😭 idk what to do.

I just keep worrying my bf is a bad person. He doesnt support blm because he watched a video of this black woman explaining that its mostly used for elections and stuff. He said that police brutality is definitely a problem but he doesnt agree with the blm movement but the message I guess. He also likes dark humor and such with bothers me a bit since my ex liked it and he was a very bad person. We disagree on some stuff like he doesnt support feminism but supports equality for everyone he just doesn't like the feminists who are hard-core and hate men and stuff. He also disagreed with me on abortion stuff and said that the father should be talked to when a woman has an abortion so he knows but he said if the man disagrees they go to court. But he said valid reasons were like if you're not ready or etc. But I see this as a bad thing I guess like you can't force someone to keep a baby and I feel like going to court over it is a bit much honestly. He said the only valid reason to not get an abortion is if you didn't think it through or were having a manic episode which I guess I do agree with. I also talked to him about it and he said he wouldn't take me to court over it when I thought he did and said that he would support my decision if I wanted one or not in the future. We also had an arguement over it before because I thought he meant like forcing a woman to be pregnant when she doesnt want to be if the father disagrees. Which I find very wrong. But if he disagrees with me he kind of won't have an open mind at all he's very stubborn about his opinions and before told me that my opinion was wrong which upset me. Its like when we get into discussions like that he just gets into debate mode and I feel like he doesnt really take time to understand my point instead he's just is like oh the evidence says this so I'm right and you're wrong. He doesn't seem to understand why this upsets me even if I explain it to him he says that he does understand my points but I dont feel like he does. And we kind of nearly broke up 2 days ago due to my ocd he said that he doesnt know if he can deal with it when he's in university which I guess upset me since I kind of just felt like I was a burden. He is trying to help me with my ocd though he's generally very supportive and he's trying to get me to stop seeking reassurance and stuff like that so I blocked reddit on my phone and left some Facebook groups since he said maybe it's good to stay off social media for a while since I keep obsessing if he's a bad person basically everyday now. He said that he's very proud of me that I want to try and get better. I dont know what to believe though I dont even know if this is ocd or if he's just actually a bad person and we should break up. I can't seem to rationalise it or anything its just always going into a loop since I dont want to be with someone who's a bad person. Just like when I've posted on reddit before some people were like just leave him and its making the obsession just so much worse. I feel like crying most of the time since this is kind of affecting me so bad and I'm only seeing his flaws now and I feel like I view him differently and I cant see him as a good person.

Another question when you guys are calm can you through the ocd most of the time?

Hey everyone. I hope you’re all doing well. I’ve sort of been writing about the same topic on here for the last few days or so, but I just find it so helpful, even if all the advice is the same each time haha. I guess I’ll just ask a simple question this time... my partner and I have been struggling lately. He has BPD and I have ROCD... I feel like my anxiety is beginning to get very frustrating for him to deal with. He’s usually very patient and empathetic, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m questioning him on everything and constantly asking for reassurance. Neither of us are in a position to afford therapy at the moment and so I’ve been trying hard to work through these things on my own, but I also give into my anxieties very easily. The reason I’m writing all of this out is because he made a “joke” earlier this week. It made me extremely anxious and caused a huge argument between the two of us. He’s trying to be empathetic and sympathize, and he knows how much anxiety I get over his jokes sometimes. I know he’s putting effort into being more careful about what he says so as not to trigger me, but I also know that I need to work on this on my own and can’t just expect him to censor himself all the time. Anyway, the comment/joke that he made has been rolling around in my head for the last four days. I keep repeating it over and over, and sometimes it sounds kind of funny and like it’s no big deal, but other times it makes me very upset and makes me question whether or not I am in the right relationship. We haven’t spoken much since that argument. Not necessary in a bad way, but we’ve just both been very busy. I guess I’m just conflicted because part of me wants to try and let it go and not give into the anxiety and not ask for reassurance around it...but the other part of me really feels like I need to dig in deep into it. I don’t want to keep fighting with him and I don’t want to continue to fight, but I also feel like I can’t be nice to him until it’s resolved in my brain. Until it doesn’t make me anxious anymore. Until it doesn’t scare me anymore. Does anyone else get like this? I can’t be nice to him until I know I have nothing to be anxious about. Or I can’t relax until I know I’ve resolved something or been reassured. I can’t even enjoy a movie unless I know I have nothing bad to think about or solve. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but hopefully some of you will understand. Back to the “joke”, I guess I just don’t know where the lines are, or where the boundaries are between something that needs to be forgotten and something that needs to be addressed seriously. Everything is a red flag in my head. Everything causes alarm bells to ring. So I don’t know if I’m overthinking something small or if it needs to be addressed more seriously Thanks for reading 💕

The thing that most frustrates me about ROCD, and really any theme, is how it can come and go. I go weeks, sometimes months feeling fine about a certain theme. And then it reappears and makes me second guess any certainty I once had, as if I was acting the entire time. For example, I've felt over the moon with my boyfriend, and now suddenly it's gone and I'm wondering if I was faking it the whole time, almost to convince myself. I know I have no desire to leave him, but it just irritates me and helps me to put it out there in case anybody else relates :)

I feel like I find men more attractive than women sometimes 😔

I’m doing really terribly. It’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to apply ERP because I’m getting NOWHERE on this obsession. Every day I wake up with my head aching because it’s like my mind is already desperately trying to figure out that something wrong, and at the same time desperately trying to stop, even though I know that rumination is my choice, my mind doesn’t just do it. Every day I wake up with that head ache and a horrible dread about the day, I don’t want to get up, it’s so bad. Yesterday I hosted a live online event and several times I paused or lost my focus because OCD was so strong and I didn’t know how to stop figuring it out and return to what I was talking about . I’m so frustrated and upset and sad, it’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to apply ERP, even though I know how to do it, whereas previously I was doing so good! Ugh!!!!!! 😢