I just want to rant about my struggles with OCD.
Sometimes my thoughts are about harming me or someone else it's been my main freak out. Since for a week I can't stop seeing terrible images. I can't eat or sleep properly since it's been going on. I can't even draw anymore due to the thoughts. I panic so badly I'm going numb I start to feel emotionless until I obsess over my thoughts I feel my emotions come back. Since I've been fighting with myself to stop it. I feel like it's toxic around my family members since they have to put up with me and my panic attacks. I feel like my sister is giving up on me she's been helping me fight it for four years now. I don't blame here for wanting to take a break away from me. I'm at a state where I believe that I'm my bad thoughts that I'm lying to others that I'm not this disgusting person. That I'm a manipulator it scares me. I'm at a battle that I'm not. I don't believe it since for a few months back I was happy with better thoughts even though it was poking at me I had better control. Now I'm constantly freaking out and crying mostly everyday. I can't stop them making me believe that I want to be like this. I just want everything to be normal again I want to be happy the way I used to be. My imagination is no longer a place for me to be happy to being corrupted by bad thoughts. My interest in things I like or doing is also leaving me. I feel lifeless most of the time until I fixate on the bad. I also been pulling out my hair I just picked up this habit a few days ago. When I had my first panic attack about bad thoughts I never done this. It seems to get worst over the years. I don't want to be stuck like this I kept trying to move forward but I keep getting trapped into this endless cycle of darkness. I had good thoughts I was being motivated by them but in a few minutes I started to worry about the bad again. I can't get help by an actual therapist since I'm poor and can't afford the treatment here, every place that is near me aren't accepting new patients. I can't go out of town to get help since it's also too expensive. I feel trapped, allowing this to lose my goals that I want to achieve in life. Sorry if this is too long or repetitive. I feel a little better typing out my thoughts.