I hate Real Event, POCD, and False memory. While I’ve struggled a lot with other themes like contamination, existential, and perfectionism. I genuinely wish I was back to those, because while they were scary and still made me give into compulsions and just give I got eh anxiety, at least they never had me question my morals and if I was this monster and terrible human being who should either k*ll themselves, turn themselves in for something they’re not really sure they did or if it was as bad as I remember, or isolate myself from the world and live a life of solitude and misery. I’m constantly questioning my intentions, memories, and who I am as a person. It started off with two things that I deeply regret and was ashamed of, but now it’s turned into a gigantic mass of bad decisions I’ve made in life and making me wonder if there’s more to it, if I’m not remembering something absolutely horrendous. I don’t even know if this is OCD or not anymore. I hate that reassurance doesn’t work, I hate not being able to function in life and do the things I need to do. I’m tired of being a burden, I have people who tell me to relax and I’m terrified constantly, I don’t deserve the love they give me, I hate it. I genuinely wish I’d never existed.

OCDHaver, I am very sorry that your OCD has brought you to such a bad place, but you are definitely not alone. I was in a pretty similar state before I sought out help for my anxiety/depression and found the underlying OCD that I always suspected was there. You can get through this, no matter how much it seems like OCD has taken over your thoughts and your life, you can take your mind and your life back, especially with the care and help of a good therapist, it just takes time. Also try to remember that you are not your intrusive thoughts, you didn’t ask for them and they do not define you. To me the real event and and false memory are the hardest for me to shake or ignore the intrusive thoughts about as well. Especially with real events from years past, the more I ruminate on them, the more they always seem to distort /warp until I am left questioning what actually occurred, if anything at all, and they become more like false memories at that point. I have more recent events that elven just typing about now causes my anxiety to rise and the intrusive thoughts to start flooding in, but as hard as it seems the best thing is to remind my self that I can’t change the past….no matter how much I dwell or worry about it. The fact that you are questioning whether or not if you are a bad person over events that you regret, to me indicates that you are not a bad or horrible person at all, otherwise you wouldn’t show any regret over your actions or even question if you were a bad person or not. As hard as it seems, try not to give into all the doubt the OCD is causing, much like you did with your other themes. Even though these thoughts are more difficult to ignore and causing much more anxiety and doubt, the same techniques of ERP and sitting with the uncertainty are what is necessary with these themes as well, as insurmountable as that may currently seem. Please stay strong and don’t give in to your OCD Bully, you are not the terrible thoughts it wants you to believe you are, you are worthy of love from your friends and family and you are definitely not alone in this.