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18+ only Saw someone make a disgusting comment and someone was spreading awareness about it and OCD tried telling me to check their profile picture even though I already know it's just a picture of them. Someone was talking about how they were a victim of a horrific crime but they added a picture of themselves wearing a tshirt but they had one of the shoulders of the shirt hanging off and I had to keep checking you couldn't see anything bad and I don't think you could but OCD is messing with me. Had a really disgustingly awful and detailed dream were it felt like I was awake but couldn't change it or anything and OCD is saying I wanted this dream OCD keeps objectifying adults and giving me groinals and telling me to do compulsions but then I'm also seeing POCD triggers which makes everything 10x worse. Had to take a closer look at someone's profile picture and they were wearing underwear (Their bio said they were 24 which I read beforehand) and I saw they had an onlyfans and it caused a groinal and I hate it so much. Saw video of person singing into a mic, nothing weird or bad literally just their face and a mic and I think I had a groinal but I'm terrified I was attracted to them and I don't know who the person is/was. Needed to check someone's following but it refreshed before I could and OCD is saying horrible things, and then I saw a video of amputees in Gaza but got scared it was disgusting or bad even though it didn't seem like it was but it was just really messing with me. Saw something disturbing and reported it but it was trying to spread awareness about bad things in Gaza so I feel bad. Keep seeing horrific crimes and like babies with limbs amputated or in incubators and OCD is messing with me and giving me groinals and I'm trying to ignore it but I hate it more than anything. Had a groinal that lasted so long and I was adjusting my undercarriage and it worsened it. Keep having intrusive thoughts and I can't tell if they're really intrusive or not and I'm scared. Got scared about someone's profile picture even though I know it's most likely fine but resisted the urge to check it and OCD is messing with me because the person's 15. Intrusive thought defending horrible things. Scared that anime song that was popular in memes and stuff was bad and I didn't realise and OCD is even saying I did awful things I know I didn't. Keep saying people are pretty then freaking out and trying to figure out their age sometimes multiple times because OCD makes me doubt it even though everytime they've been people in their 20's although they may be playing people younger which makes me feel creepy. Watching a different man and ruminating on why the people are disfigured and it's really rude and I don't like it, I keep being rude about the people with disfigurements and I hate it. I meant that the main character was still awkward but OCD took it as me being rude about their appearance. I was looking at Adam Pearson's wikipedia page and the condition he has had a really disgusting censored image of a child when I hovered over it for a second and I reported it, why did they think that was okay dude and I'm freaking out and it's causing a groinal and I hate it so much. Going through bookmarks cause I think I got scared I bookmarked something bad even though I know I haven't but went on one person's profile who I remember bookmarking because I thought they might be safe for a compulsion but their pinned post was explicit (Wasn't anything bad of course) and I panicked and backed out and unbookmarked them but it was after seeing the above so OCD is still messing with me so much.

Does anyone else feel like they are following God out of fear and not cuz they actually love him and you have to do this this and this to feel safe even tho we don’t earn Gods love but if I don’t then I’m just being comfortable in how I’m living and not denying myself even tho when I deny myself I feel like I spiral cuz I’m like if you don’t do this for God then on on and on of the worst things. But I should want to give up things for God but then I just don’t want to then make excuses but idk it makes me feel insane then I’m putting so much pressure on myself but this life isn’t supposed to be easy

Hey everyone,For the last while, I've been trying to practice, I’ve been stuck in a non-stop loop where my thoughts and feelings felt like 100% facts. It wasn't even "uncertainty" anymore—it felt like an undeniable truth that I was gay, even though I’ve always been attracted to women(I think.... I get doubts if that's even true now) It's hard because apparently im supposed to not give judgement or meaning to all these feelings and thoughts that keep calling me gay,"like oh another thought" but it keeps coming back constantly especially after noticing it, and the feelings and thoughts feel so real like it's impossible to not give judgement, and my brain automatically gives it meaning to it all. apparently I'm suppose disregard my feelings and thoughts but it feels too impossible because I'm huperfocused on it all When I do erp I tried to find the perfect mantra for it"maybe maybe not" or "and" whenever I get to this bad cycle whether it's trying to prove my brain wrong about something, I tend to repeat a mantra 50 different times to "get the right feeling" because I try to do erp, it feels like I'm doing it wrong, I said it wrong, because the feelings and sensations will tell me it didn't work and get worse and it feels like I'm still in the cycle.

One of my biggest struggles for the past handful of years has been paranoia about mold or lack of food safety. It's caused me to lose appetite regularly and miss meals, and waste alot of food, which is incredibly humiliating and embarrassing for me, (and makes me feel like a bad person for being wasteful.) I can't handle jokes from others that there's things in my food or imagery that food might be something else, or even slightly off textures or colors. And on a day to day basis, I don't trust sense of smell or dates on it. Even the slightest "offness" detected by me is enough to make me google questions and end up not eating at all. My family and the people I have been talking to at the start of my psychiatric help all only tell me rational things, which truthfully only make me feel unheard and degraded as oppose to reassured or equipped with what to do next. Of course rationality obviously doesn't work for me in these situations. They tell me things like "Best by dates are just lies to make you buy more" or "modern fridges are really good compared to when I was your age" and it is just not helpful. I have started to be more daring and exploratory about my food comfort, eating things I deem "dubious" even though I know it is irrational, to see if it will help me get over it. But the last few times I ended up getting coincidentally sick, so it was a bad week (I drank out of a glass I don't typically use to take my meds and then threw up my meds because I didn't have breakfast with them.. it was the first time I had that reaction to my medication so it's hard not to blame the glass somehow.) Is there anything else I can do or try to help ease the paranoia?

Is it normal to feel like you need a break from your kid? And when you need or want that break, do you ever feel like you’re less patient with your kid? I love my son more than anything that’s ever existed in the world. He’s my best buddy. But sometimes I have thoughts like “man I could really use some time away”. I do go places with my friends sometimes. But the other night we were supposed to go out and drink and have a good time and just a super fun girls night. I was looking forward to it because that was going to be my break and my time to feel like me again outside of working and being a mom and a wife. Well, the night didn’t go as planned. We didn’t really have a good time and we basically just wasted our night bc none of us had any fun. So in a way, I feel like I didn’t get to have “my” time. So I feel like I’m still feeling that “I need a break” feeling. BUT my ocd is making me think that means I just don’t want my son at all. In reality, I know I absolutely adore him and would literally be lost without him. But those thoughts just keep coming. Like “maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom” or “you’re just tired of being a mom and you just don’t want this life anymore” ITS NOT TRUE. I don’t think so at least??? Ugh!! Making my stomach turn in KNOTS because sometimes ocd makes these thoughts hard to decipher. Idk guys. I guess I’m just venting and trying to make sense of it all. When really, it won’t ever make sense bc it’s ocd.

Recently I can’t stop telling myself that I’m somehow lying about my problems and that I am faking all of it for attention, specifically that I am a bad person and convincing myself that I’m not. That I am somehow lying and I am lying to myself by saying that I am not lying.. it makes me feel horrible and the medical neglect that I experienced growing up of course does not help, and the negligence I have experienced in psychiatric help when I try to address my concerns has only made this feeling worse.. it has started to become very scary and distressing lately. I also continue to spiral and rethink of past situations and remembering things that ex-friends have said, debating whether I am an evil person because of them over and over.. I wish I knew how to stop them. I missed my appointment with my therapist last week due to issues with their system so maybe this is part of the reason, along with general recent life events. I wish I didn't always feel like a bad person.. I don’t know how to stop feeling like that. Even when I do "good" things, simply because it feels natural to me and like a desire to me, I still end up convincing myself I'm only doing those good things because I want to prove to myself I'm not evil, therefore they aren't good at all. And I’m scared to even talk to friends or loved ones about my intrusive thoughts, and the things that make me worry about them, because what if I tell them what I'm afraid of or thinking and they confirm it's true that I'm bad because of that intrusive thought or how I felt about it, even though I don't want them and they hurt me and they are based on events/people that hurt me? Maybe I am making it up that those bad things happened to me so that people feel bad for me?

Disruption in routine: OCD’s rules that it wants me to follow: (who the fuck are you ocd. I’m driving this ship) OCD says disruption in routine is dangerous because I will kill myself. Maybe a disruption in my routine is dangerous and I could kill myself. I am willing to relinquish control and live in the uncertainty that this could happen. OCD says The only reason I’m not killing myself is because I’m doing something I like to do. Maybe the only reason I’m not killing myself is because I’m doing something I find enjoyable. OCD presents things as cold hard truth, but I am putting in the work in evidence based treatment. Maybe it’s working maybe it isn’t OCD says I cannot handle difficult situations. Maybe I can’t handle difficult situations. Maybe I can. We will see once one arises. OCD says I think about suicide as a way out of difficult situations to protect myself, so I should allow myself to think about it. OCD presents things as truth and as safety guarantees. It is saying it wants me to think more about suicide to protect myself from doing it. I am choosing to not think about suicide, and allow the possibility of it happening. OCD says if I don’t allow myself to think about suicide Its because im scared which makes it dangerous. Maybe not thinking about suicide is dangerous and I’m scared which makes it more likely to happen. Maybe not. I’m choosing to not think about suicide right now, maybe that will change. OCD says i should think about suicide because it’s erp exposure therapy. OCD tries to make rules that I have to follow to keep me safe. I am choosing to do things differently and maybe thinking about suicide is erp therapy, maybe it isn’t. I’m choosing to not think about suicide. Maybe that’s right maybe it’s wrong. OCD says if I am not anxious for some time I will lose the skills and it’s dangerous. OCD wants to keep me stuck because it’s posing it as protecting me from killing myself. Maybe I am going to lose my skills if I’m not anxious more often, maybe not. I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel, and to create a different relationship with anxiety. OCD says feeling anxious and then not feeling it again is dangerous because it will come back stronger and I will not be able to handle it. Maybe anxiety will come back stronger and I won’t be able to handle it. Maybe I will be able to handle it. Maybe anxiety is dangerous, maybe it isn’t. I’m choosing to create a different relationship with anxiety. OCD says the more I feel anxious the safer I am because it’s a good reminder on how to handle difficulties. OCD wants me to feel stuck and its old pattern was consistent anxiety. I am choosing to create a different relationship with anxiety. Maybe not feeling anxious for some time is dangerous, maybe it’s not. We will cross that bridge if we get there. OCD says if I get anxious after a period of non anxiety I’m more suicide prone. Maybe an anxiety flare up after some time is dangerous, maybe it isn’t. I am willing to feel anxious and to create a different relationship with it. This is some of the work I am doing to accept uncertainty with suicide ocd. Hard, but worth it.

I just hope someone finds the time to respond... I genuinely feel so lost right now... UPDATE: My ex and I broke up nearly 3 weeks ago... so... the girlfriend thing is outdated... and I'm so exhausted... plus I got assaulted at my job as a caretaker by a member, my supervisor wants to fire me and constantly talks behind my back, and i have no one close who i can talk to... today I turned in my notice... my supervisor said "fantastic" and "talk to you later" in a clearly sarcastic and vindictive manner... im struggling with a lot... yesterday was my last day... and... everything feels... just... wrong... With my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... and that I'll be cancelled and arrested later in life because of all of this... I have genuinely never felt more alone in my life than this particular moment right here... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ graphic HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards kids or teens in any way... 😭😭😭 And I keep getting intrusive thoughts of calling the 14-15 year old "cute" with her saying "thanks" on text... I genuinely find this so awful and disgusting...

I really need some help, I’m desperate I’ve been in this cycle for 3 months now, severe anxiety and depression and housebound. It started with one thought that completely broke me and sent me down a spiral that I’m stuck in. Now my mind is convinced harm to children is ok, it’s killing me inside. I’ve always loved children now I can’t be around, see or hear children anymore without discomfort. Even when I see the topic or hear it I feel nothing. I’m dying inside, housebound for 3 months, constantly crying, tremors, I don’t want to be a person who think

I have a constant compulsion in the back of my mind always running an analysis of basically whether my perception of everything is broken or not. I had some real life experiences in a high control group trying to convince me out of my own worldview and sense of self for an extended period which definitely is where this theme developed. But I mean like I have a thought about anything (ie wanting to text a friend) and it becomes like when did I text him last, would he be busy rn, what would he think of how much I’m struggling rn, do I text too much, do I text not enough and he’s moved on, etc. I start trying to draft a text if it’s funny it feels too casual and dumb and not worth sharing even if he’d enjoy it, if it’s serious or like something in the news it feels like I’m some no fun anxious nerd overthinking again, then it becomes like testing my actions against random disorders (schizophrenia, BPD, bipolar, narcissism, etc), then it becomes considering all of my biases in relevant topics (even down to like if I believe in free will or not) as a way to be sure I’m not deluding myself, like if I take on a completely disagreeable worldview for a second would I do something different and if so how do I PROVE that it’s disagreeable. Then it becomes testing the morality of whatever action I ended up taking or not taking by thinking of like every possible effect it could have. I’ll then have new symptoms as a result of spiraling 24/7, like extreme exhaustion brain fog not being able to focus on my studies bc of spiraling, so then I analyze for hours if there could be a cause other than ocd. However in this constant self analysis I’ve caught myself doing something idk whether is just a strange side effect of my ocd or revealing something underlying. I find that, my whole life, but definitely magnified when spiraling like this I people please a ton bc I’m always scared that I’m either incorrect, immoral, missing something, misinterpreting something, having different or less common desires etc. idk whether that’s fully explainable as some type of reassurance like compulsion, it may be since I feel relief when I see that the other person seems to not see me as insane, deeply immoral etc, also bc if they don’t confront me on a disagreement or something they don’t like that I’m doing I don’t have to spiral about whether I’m in the wrong or whether they’re overstepping and whether I should be annoyed or apologetic and what my actual feelings say about me and etc, I don’t have to face “proof” of my obsessive fears. But I also see so much overlap between this and autistic masking, with an additional layer. Maybe my ocd decided that protecting that mask was what was most important to me. It also makes me wonder bc a lot of my scariest thoughts is while I’m thinking what does this say about me in the background I’m also thinking (and how will that effect my friendships and how the people I love perceive me if I am that bad thing). Like I have a strong sense of who I am when not spiraling but I’m not confident enough in it to stand on it if there’s even the slightest chance it’ll be misinterpreted or properly interpreted and disapproved of by someone I value, or even just someone I see a lot because wha if they convince other people they’re right how will the rest of the room see it. Another could be ocd could be autism thing is I struggle a lot when I’m struggling with how much to share. All I’m thinking about is the intrusive thoughts, so idk how to catch up with people in a socially acceptable way, like “what you been up to?” “Uhhh scanning my every thought for 12 hours a day, pretty sure I’m not scizophreic but here’s a dissertation on my morality from the POV of 6 different moral philosophies idk who’s right. And I know you were encouraging me to try in school but I am indeed 2 months behind again.” If I don’t admit those things I feel like a liar, and it’s not even some big moral thing as much as a fear of losing closeness and comfort and sincerity with the people who know everything about me. But if I do I’m just seeking assurance usually, I rarely take actions to better it bc I’m stuck in that spiral and I feel guilty for never just being able to hang out normally and obsess over how they perceive my rambling. Is this masking plus ocd? Or just ocd? I know this will likely come off as asking for reassurance, and tbh maybe it is who knows. But I don’t believe it is because I’m honestly not that scared of being autistic, when my ocd has said maybe I’m (any of the disorders listed above) it’s felt highly irrational even if compelling in the moment. This one has been in the back of my mind, not causing panic, for months. Tbh it only becomes an intrusive thought, when the thought becomes “is this just another intrusive thought”. I’m just hoping someone who has both or has worked with people who have both could help give me a little direction, I do NOT have the money to get tested right away without at least knowing the opinions of someone who knows more than me. More than happy to answer any questions, sorry for the long read.

there’s so many different religious topics that I loop hole down. Like mostly focusing on my sins too and thinking everything is a sin and every morning when I get up my routines and plans what I do I feel like it’s a sin but then if I change it or discipline or change the order I like it or fast then I’m like no it’s just do ur normal so you don’t stress if you don’t but then I stress if I do cuz if it’s a sin or not then what if I’m praying for change then not changing. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I wish I could go a day and not worry for once constantly all day. I wonder what it’s like to be a normal Christian person who loves the Lord and honors him not just performative or working for his love. Or everytime you close your eyes not go down your worried spirals or scary thoughts. And if I ignore every thought I feel like I don’t know the difference if im just letting my flesh win? But when ignore it and not worry then its fine but then I’ll worry any cuz im afraid im being lukewarm or something and just being in comfort

TW! Mentions of religion, morality, specific obsessions and compulsions; please take care of yourself and do not read if you are not in a headspace for it! —————————————————— For context: I’m not religious in the traditional sense— I believe all religions have some truth to them when looked at metaphorically rather than literally. For this reason I don’t believe in the concept of heaven and hell as the afterlife. I struggle with a specific flavor of OCD that blends moral, harm-related, and real event OCD. This causes my to worry about whether or not I’m a good person based on my actions (past, present, and future, though past actions are the ones with the most weight as they cannot be changed) and whether or not they caused harm. I’m being very general with the definition of harm since I focus on physical, emotional, psychological, and even sexual harm— do note that it is taking me a lot of effort to even mention that last one but if there is any place that won’t be judgmental, it’s this one. It does not help that I have a deep interest in moral philosophy, specifically in the context of how one defines a good person, what it means to redeem oneself, what it means to forgive someone, the relationship between intentions and actions, and the consequences of our actions. In short, my mind has a lot of ammo to attack me with. The longest debate I had myself recently was on the morality of the death penalty, which took 2-3 hours rehearing to myself while I checked my moral framework to make sure it still functioned, followed by another 3 hours of explaining it to another person to gauge their reaction. I, again, do not believe in the traditional hell— seeing hell as more your own guilt rather than an actual place you go when you die. And yet for some reason my mind has convinced me that I will be going to hell despite not believing in it. I have asked myself if this means I believe in heaven, and my immediate answer was no, that there is no eternal reward for being a good person after death. It’s all a bit hypocritical, but such is fate. I was curious to see if anybody else struggles with something similar, and if so what is it like for you? Anyone else really into philosophy before all of this? No reassurance, please and thank you ^^

This isnt existential ocd regarding my purpose or why im here. this is more how do I EXIST and why cant I feel real again like I used to go about my day without feeling this or thinking this. About 2 months ago I fell into derealization. I have anxiety so im pretty used to that feeling. But then I noticed my mind started fixating on it and tried its hardest to pull itself out of it. I tried so hard that I started to question my existence and the things around me. I would cry and spiral and be scared that I didnt feel real and everything felt very dream like and disconnected, like my eyes were closed but my mind was on and I was able to see but very static tv like. Now I get these episodes and its always a thought in my mind if Im real but now I feel numb to it. I dont feel any emotions anymore and I can only feel my heart beating fast. But i cant feel. I feel like I could walk through a dark forest and not be scared because it all feels fake and not real and that I wont react to it. Its to the point where i dont even feel the comfort from my family or my boyfriend because I dont feel real and i feel disconnected like if im even still human and alive and here. anyone else feeling things similar? its so bad to the point where i feel like an orb thats just here. it makes me feel hopeless i cant even enjoy life like i used to. idk how i got to this point in 2 months. my memory is poor cause of it. like i just dont feel here (sometimes i wish i could deal with a normal ocd thought instead of not feeling real and not being able to feel. i wish i could stress over school and not stress over my existence)

When you are learning new mindsets and new ways of doing things, expect a time period of failure. That's not bad or wrong. It's just the way it is. It is the way of human growth. Eventually, down the line, you will succeed! But don't be discouraged if you fail for a long time first. 💕😀

18+ only Someone made a funny joke but then people in the replies where being 🤮 so I reported them and checked the person's following, they didn't follow anyone bad from what I saw but they followed quite a few s*x workers and I just blocked the person because OCD was twisting my intentions and giving me a groinal, I even rechecked the person's following for like no reason (Before blocking them). Keep getting like underwear ads and stuff that's really triggering and making me want to do a compulsion. Tried to find more ethical sites but all of them seem to use performers who aren't safe. Did the compulsion to something safe but also reported something before that was on the homepage that worried me because it was animated (Not the website I was talking about yesterday obviously) Saw someone's profile picture and got worried about it and was instantly proven right when I took a closer look and their pinned post was really disgusting too, not explicit but definitely eluding to it and like just barely not explicit and it was horrible. Bunch of people on random tweets turn out to be horrible people who follow disgusting accounts so I reported like 5 of them, one person I saw immediately followed 2 accounts I'd blocked but still checked to see if they followed more for some reason, one person's tweet popped up and I didn't think to check their following but then got concerned and found the tweet again and sure enough they follow a bunch of dodgy accounts. Seeing people calling out others for defending horrific things and OCD saying I agree with the monsters is so annoying and disgusting. Saw a video that had a mother filming their daughter and she was wearing basically only their underwear and being really misogynistic and it was really triggering and I want to block the person who posted it even though they were calling the mother out and OCD is twisting my intentions, I saw it again and blocked the person, even though they were trying to do the right thing and calling out the person Accidentally liked a tweet that was actually made by a horrible person because I thought they were saying basically the opposite. I had to double check the safe video from earlier because I remembered the captions that were auto generated were wrong, tried saying they were saying oh no when they weren't but I had to make sure that was the case and it wasn't something bad it wasn't obviously but it caused a groinal and I had to do the compulsion again.

Does anyone have any experience with moving and OCD? I am going to be moving soon to a place I dreamed of living for a while now, but instead of feeling happy I’m overwhelmed and guilty for being away from my family. It’s my first move away from home, but I’m disappointed in myself for not feeling more excited like I was expecting, and having anxiety/OCD in the forefront.

I feel like my mom guilt might be rooted in ocd. I feel bad doing ANYTHING for myself. Going out with a friend, going a run, going to the store by myself… I feel like I’m the worst mom ever and that I’m not giving my kids the attention they deserve. Anyone relate? Trying not to get reassurance because I know that won’t help me long-term, but it’s one of the worst feelings.

When I watch sx scenes sometimes I get feelings down there and ig I do enjoy it. But how do I differentiate between that and when I get groinal responses abt really disgusting not normal things?

Hi, all! I apologize in advance for how long this is. 😅 I’m just reaching out to ask if anyone else has ever subconsciously made themselves sick when combatting obsessive thoughts and if there is a cure to it? So for some background: I am a law school drop-out turned teacher who loves English literature and learning in general. However, ever since college, I have been dealing with some pretty intense ocd surrounding writing (ever the irony with ocd, right?😭). Throughout my schooling, I have always been told by my teachers that I am a good writer. However, these comments, which I know were meant to be supportive and encouraging, turned into this unreachable, subjective standard that I became fixated on meeting. The pressure started out as a hum in the background of my mind, but in college, it became much worse. I remember not being able to write a complete sentence down without rereading and rereading and rereading and rereading it. I could only move on to writing the next when I felt that it was “right.” From there, the pattern continued. This writing compulsion gradually seeped into my reading comprehension. I would be assigned books and reading material in college that I could never bring myself to read because I did not trust myself to do so. I would read a sentence and then ask myself, ‘Did I actually understand that? What if I didn’t? Then I won’t understand the rest of this book, and I’ll have wasted my time and effort. What if I’m not smart enough to be in this school? How will I be able to get into law school if I can’t adequately complete this simple assignment?’ Of course, these spiraled thoughts would lead me to rereading and rereading the same sentences over and over again until I felt comfortable enough with my comprehension to move onto the next one, which never happened. Eventually, this became so exhausting that I avoided looking at or thinking about any of my assignments until the very last minute. Unfortunately, when I did this, I realized that something magical happened: with too little time to complete my assignments, my brain didn’t have the time to ruminate, so it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. As a result, I took to starting my assignments mere hours before class every day. I would function off the bare minimum of my effort and understanding, and somehow it was enough. Enough to get me out of college and enough to get me into law school. Of course, all the while, I wanted to be a good student, and I knew a good student put in good, long hours for studying, so I would sit in the library for hours on end, just being scared and doing nothing. With these issues still lingering, you can imagine how much of a shit show law school turned out to be. My symptoms continued to get worse, and I developed a new symptom: physical pain. I could not sit down to do work without my body bracing for the horrendous impact of my stress. This is the only way I’ve been able to understand what my body did at that time, even all these years later. Any time I would sit down to study, I would develop a horrible migraine, backache, neck ache, and nausea that I could not work through. This was useful for multiple reasons: 1) my procrastination was rooted in something real and 2) it would give me an excuse to stop trying to work through my ocd compulsions. Eventually, my mental health became so bad that I dropped out of law school, which sounds bad, but really is one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. Since then, and it’s been about two years since law school, I have been prescribed medication, and I see my therapist once a week. I am now a high school English teacher, which is a job I absolutely ADORE, and I always think I’m doing a lot better,,, until days like today occur. I can read better than before, and I can grade tests and quizzes without any major problems, but every time I am set to grade any written assessment, my law school symptoms come roaring back: the physical pain and the procrastination. I sit to grade a few essays a day for a couple of minutes each, and I am hit with neck and back pain and a killer headache. I stop to lay down to make the pain go away, but it doesn’t subside until I go to sleep. I try again the next day and the next and the next, and the same pattern keeps happening. Suddenly, it’s the day before I have to give the papers back to the class, and I have 60 to grade in 4 hours. It makes me feel so discouraged about all the progress I’ve made. At this point, I’m starting to wonder if it is even progress or just new circumstances? Anyway, if anyone has any experience with physical pain with ocd or deadlines as an English teacher, I would absolutely love to know of any remedies you could recommend! Thank you!

Hello friends, I wanted to share with you that I am happily in remission and would say that I’m 95% improved from my LOW in 2023. In 2023, I decided to quit my meds (Cymbalta) cold turkey after ten years of taking them and remission. Previously, I hadn’t been officially diagnosed with OCD, but instead a generalized anxiety disorder. I had engaged in CBT and meds for a few years (2011-2013) before my condition improved and I was able to go on with my life, career, and not be controlled by my thoughts. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist never connected the dots and identified my OCD (health) despite the almost weekly ER visits, doctors, tests, procedures, ruminating, reassurance seeking, and researching. To my defense, no one ever told me that I’d have to take meds the rest of my life either. After ten years of feeling great, I felt I was good to stop. WRONG. I spiraled and my OCD discovered a new theme. A much scarier theme than thinking I was dying of some incurable illness. And of course, my theme was “real”… Felt absolutely real to me. I lost more than 25 lbs and became a shell of a man. For the second time, my wife and children had to watch me lose control. I hated myself for them… Somehow I was able to keep my job and my marriage. I found a new psychiatrist who pinpointed all the OCD tendencies and strongly encouraged me to connect to NOCD (and to take new meds - Luvox). I completed two years of NOCD therapy and it saved me. Thankfully, I have great insurance. The American healthcare system is horrible - to think some people can’t receive help because of the expense is insane. Don’t get me started… After two years, I felt I was 75% improved, but mornings were still difficult for me. I talked to my provider and we switched me back to Cymbalta. It’s what I needed, given my previous positive experience with it. I think the SNRI was better than the SSRI for me. While leaving NOCD, I found a local therapist to meet with monthly for some ICBT and to keep tabs on my condition. I’m back to taking a maintenance dose of Cymbalta (30mg) - which gives me very few side effects. I have put all the weight back on too. What’s my takeaway? Get professional help asap. There is no shame in it. And take meds or supplements. Should diabetics be afraid to take insulin to live? We shouldn’t be embarrassed if we need medication either. Clearly, I have a chemical imbalance as my mother does, too. I know I’ll need to be on them the rest of my life, too. The most difficult part was waiting the 12-16 weeks for the meds to start working. I needed benzos to help me get through that period of time. Once the meds kicked in, I’d say my worst improved from 0 to 40%. The rest came from therapy twice a week and HARD A$$ work!!! Don’t give into the 3 R’s! At my therapist’s encouragement, my wife would push the discomfort and give me plenty exposure and practice. I read every book on OCD and learned so much. But, I also used this platform and all of you! Some of you were the best and always there for me. Thank you!!!! Please don’t give up on yourself. OCD took me to some very dark dark dark places. Life is worth it. Work hard. Exercise daily. Multiple times a day. Force yourself. Get a dog or a cat to force you to think of something else (besides being along with your thoughts). Find some form of faith helps, too. And friends, remember, you are not your thoughts.