- Username
- issphra š«¶š»
- Date posted
- 19h ago
I cannot for the life of me stop ruminating or checking how I feel about thoughts or focusing on thoughts or creating more thoughts. I feel like Iām losing my mind. I want to scream. I try not to ruminate about the thoughts, but trying not to just makes me think about them more. I try not to check, but somehow, I still check. I want to let a thought sit in the background, but the more I try not to focus on it, the more I end up focusing on it. I donāt want the thought to expand because that feels like engaging with it, but I canāt just stop it from expanding. It feels impossible. People keep saying Iām in control of my compulsions, and maybe thatās true for the physical ones. But when it comes to the mental compulsions, I swear I have no control. It feels like Iām missing something that everyone else seems to have, like thereās some tool theyāre using that I donāt have. Controlling mental compulsions has never felt possible for me. Iām starting to fear them. And every time someone says Iām in control and can just choose not to do them, I end up beating myself up even more when they happen. Or when I *choose* I guess. I donāt know anymore. If this is my fault, if Iām responsible for this, then what does that make me? I feel like a monster. I am at my witsā end. How am I supposed to control mental compulsions when it feels like they control me? I freak out when they happen. They donāt bring me relief, they just make me panic. I want it to stop so bad.