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Hey everyone! I’ve struggled with anxiety and fear of things all my life. When i was very little i would always cry at the possibility of my loved ones passing away. I’d cry over the thought of a flood or hurricane or volcano explosion in my state. Ever since i could remember i would think about these things all the time and my family would have to tell me 20 times in a row that these things weren’t likely to happen. The likely hood still drove me crazy. I’m 22 now and it seems to be getting worse by the day. My health anxiety is through the roof. Still triggered by the other things but right now, my loop is my health. I can’t even have a weird breath happen without me freaking out about it for the rest of the week. I bought my oura ring, a pulse monitor and blood pressure cuff due to the fact that i need to know what’s happening in my body at all times. There’s been multiple times this week i almost drove to the hospital cause i just felt like “something was wrong.” I was diagnosed a few months ago with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and slight bipolar disorder as well. I was on Fluoxetine starting when i was probably 10 to when i turned 18. I cold turkey quit and didn’t realize the potential of OCD until 2024. Anyone have any experience with OCD medication that won’t worsen my other diagnosis. Any comments are appreciated. I’m living my life in fear every single day and I’m so tired.

Hi all. I’m kinda losing my marbles rn I don’t feel very anxious I just keep constantly googling lately and overthinking things I see online and wonder if someone else’s story is mine. As a kid, maybe like 10-12 ish yrs old I liked being called he for some reason but idk it kinda faded. Idk why. It’s blurry. I don’t remember anymore. And after I graduated elementary school I became more comfortable in being a woman and finding my style, etc. idk maybe I was looking for words to describe smthn. Idk. Eventually I stopped. When this happened I told my mom I was bigender, I still liked being a girl, but I don’t think I fully understood the term I’ll be honest. I don’t think I felt like a boy. What does that even feel like? I liked hanging out with the boys cuz they were the only ones who actually liked the same things as me (video games, playing in the snow and dirt and writing cool stories to play at recess) and in most of my interactions before and after that I was a girl. So idk what happened in that point of time and yknow I thought it was just a normal part of growing up etc cuz it happens for some people. Maybe I was curious. I kinda left that part of me behind knowing it was there but I grew out of it. I’m worried now that the past is the real me and this version of me is a liar and a fake and I don’t actually like being a woman etc. I’m worried I’m suppressing smthn. I’m worried I don’t like how I look in the mirror. Even if I say ooo I look cute in this and I love this dress or smthn it feels not genuine. This was causing me a lot of physical anxiety over the holiday break when I was at home with family. Now I don’t feel anxiety but I keep googling ahit like “How do I know if I like my AGAB” “Does gender euphoria have to be intense as a cis person?” “Is it ok and normal to feel neutral about being my AGAB day to day but have it change when I dress up in a different outfit?” “How do I know if I’m suppressing being trans” “Trans ocd vs genuine questioning” “I was a tomboy growing up but I’m not anymore does that mean I am secretly trans and hid that?” “How do I know if I like my AGAB and my pronouns or if I’m just very used to them?” Idk anymore I’m so tired I don’t feel anxious at all. I’m just scrolling and scrolling. It did keep me up about 2 nights ago. Had the worst sleep of my life Idk. I like being a woman. I like being referred to as she/her I’m pretty sure?? I’m used to it yeah, but I love being called princess or his girl by my bf or pretty or beautiful, even if it is a little cringe sometimes lol. It took some time to warm up to but now I’m worried that me being a little anxious and put off by the nickname is evidence. (idk I’m not used to pet names, the last time a partner gave me a pet name it was smeagol. From lord of the rings. Yeah. Nah.). I like having female friends and being seen with them. I like being one of the girls after being ostracized for so long as a kid cuz I liked dragons and video games and playing in the dirt. But what if I’m lying and deep down inside I don’t want to be a woman? Idk I’m scared I’m worried I’m stressed. I like to switch up my style now and then and trying new styles makes me happy cuz I like to try new things. Smthn punk ish one day for a concert or a protest shirt another or a cardigan and jeans all give me a little happy tingle and that feels right cuz that’s me, I’d like to try more tomboyish styles so I’ve saved some on Pinterest but I have no funds lol. I feel good in those but I’m worried it’s a lie. What if I just like being seen as an attractive woman but don’t actually feel that way? I think I feel like I’m an attractive woman. I feel really pretty and confident. A little anxious cuz I don’t usually get done up for classes or anything so it’s a bit odd lol. I feel good in how I look and my style. All of it is me. So I don’t usually have those happy tingles unless it’s a new thing for me. I didn’t have the tingle with my prom dress but I loved it. It was gorgeous and I felt like a princess but I’m worried I’m now lying to myself and I don’t actually like anything I’ve ever worn or my style and that everything I have saved in my Pinterest boards isn’t me and is just a lie cuz I’m forcing myself to deny something. I have my insecurities sure. My breasts are too small, I have some stress acne that I’ve been picking at that I hate, I feel like I’m too skinny and want some curves and some weight, I’m worried my face is too masculine, does my hair look right? What about my eyebrows? My makeup? Yknow that stuff. I don’t hate my body. I love it. After years of being insecure about it sure. But I got there and the thought of being a liar to myself and the thought of changing it freaks me out a little. I don’t think I want that like ever. I don’t want anything. I’m happy for trans people obviously but I don’t want what they have. I just want my body to change as a woman. But I’m scared that when my frontal lobe develops and locks in I’ll change my mind and actually hate being a woman or smthn. I feel like k need to figure out now if I’m trans, non binary or whatever the fuck. I don’t think I’m either or a secret third thing. Sorry for the long ramble I needed this out. I’m tired.

is being terrified to eat bc of pain after/the sensation of being full and the compulsion of not eating potentially just somatic ocd? my doctor thought/thinks i have a stomach ulcer and she gave me meds for it? the meds made it hurt worse at first but i started to feel better when the meds were almost gone... and then the meds were gone and it felt normal bad again... i told her and she gave me the meds but for longer this time and i did not take them in full because i couldnt get over the increase of pain it causes in the start. all this to say, my doctor thinks its medical which is fine, it may be, as i do often feel pain after eating, and im not sure how normal that is... however, i think there is an equal part of it that is mental whether that be ocd and/or anorexia... maybe it wouldn't feel so bad to eat if i ate more often but im terrified to because it hurts and i dont want it to, id rather avoid it.

For the past 3 years of my life I’ve been having phases of me obsessing over my breathing. At first I thought I had a lung problem or some type of health issue, I always knew I had OCD but I didn’t know it could spread to my physical body instead of my brain. I would feel short of breath, almost like I can’t get a good amount of air in. I’d constantly think about my breathing night and day all the time. I’ve done every test, I’ve always been told I’m fine which feels worse when you’re drowning. I’d take prednisone and think it was fixing my breathing and it would go away then I’d find something else to obsess over and basically my brain would get tired of my obsession and it would come back to obsessing over my breathing again. I’m starting to realize it’s my OCD. I’m on Medicare and it’s hard to find a therapist who specializes in OCD. Does anyone feel like this? And what can I do to fix it? I want to live again and not just survive. ❤️

Okay first of all, I read all of the responses from last post for when it came to advice for school mental stress since OCD flares up extremely horribly there and my stress spikes up by 1000x Most advice was to see a guidance counselor and ask for accommodations and to just have breaks there as well. As much as I thank you guys LOTS really for taking your time to mention that, I did mention that going for that specific option wouldn't work due to the fact that there has been a time where I have been called in to the counselors due to a survey I had to take for mental health- they did mention a plan but it'd involve with calling my parents and putting down tons of info and I was just not wanting that, I felt quite overwhelmed and I don't want to do anything of that sorts, not until college. I'm also not officially diagnosed on anything despite therapists and doctors mentioning high concerns for OCD, anxiety and stuff like. My old schooled parents don't think anythings wrong with me and after decades of experiecing this disorder I've learned to mask really well so no one thinks I'm at high concern even when I try to express that I'm going through it, except my older sibling really and other close people. I also have mentioned to my teachers that I'm not good with talking to others whenever they give students the option to tell their dos and don't but it ends up not changing anything. I can't do anything too drastic since that'd just overwhelm me more, that's why I save it for college since by then I could hopefully be diagnosed or at least on the path to diagnoses and since I'm leaving High-school in a year and a half anyways. Lastly, many things I can't change some aspects of the stress at all such as going to the bus- it's awfully crowded in the mornings and there's been many times where I have humiliated myself since I had to look for a spot and if there wasn't any the driver has yelled for people to make space and I'd had to cram in, it's extremely stressful and I've expressed it to my family but they can't do anything about it due to work but I also can't just not go. Same with changing classes, it then leads to more change and I don't like that and overall it's just a process. --- RANT PART: Okay now to still rant, I do hate this BADLY. As I said above the bus made me stress out really bad this morning and I felt sick, it wasn't as crowded today though so thank goodness but it may be in the future . I obviously have been masking pretty good throughout this day, I've made my friend laugh and had some good conversations and I've been pretty decent with not crying silently or fully going nuts in my head. But my ENGLISH CLASS. OH MY GOODNESS, LET ME TELL YOU GUYS I GENUINELY ALMOST started full on smashing my desk (not really but figuratively) I was so overstimulated. Basically the teacher went over rules yadda yadda, and I'd estimate we had to do 10 different partner and group activities throughout the ENTIRE class and along with a physical activity outside the class and made us do it infront of all of our other classmates- and with my slow self I just awkwardly did it and ended up messing up one of the rules which was embarrassing. And this is how it'll be EVERY SINGLE DAY I HAVE THAT CLASS . She made us last sem read and every chapter go outside the class for a "Walk and Talk" and talk to a classmate about something either personal or about the book. She makes us greet our partner by their name and high-five them when we leave, along with follow up questions I HATE IT ! And she calls us out whenever we don't do it so it pressures me and ugh no no I can't do it. But I have to so I just start hyping myself up in my head whenever the class starts. Rest of my classes are decently okay. Tomorrow I have weight training PE and have to make a group of 4 each time and that's really stressful. Hopefully my new friend from last sem PE is there so I can have someone to be in a group with, but if not I'm over. That's all I have to say for now, wish me luck guys I still have 3 hours left ! 😔 Thankfully I'm in study hall right now so that's like a break for me and I can calm myself down. Intrusive thoughts and OCD is still biting me but that's how it is. (I have listened to your guy's other advice though :^) drawing right now since it's break.)

Okay first of all, I read all of the responses from last post for when it came to advice for school mental stress since OCD flares up extremely horribly there and my stress spikes up by 1000x Most advice was to see a guidance counselor and ask for accommodations and to just have breaks there as well. As much as I thank you guys LOTS really for taking your time to mention that, I did mention that going for that specific option wouldn't work due to the fact that there has been a time where I have been called in to the counselors due to a survey I had to take for mental health- they did mention a plan but it'd involve with calling my parents and putting down tons of info and I was just not wanting that, I felt quite overwhelmed and I don't want to do anything of that sorts, not until college. I'm also not officially diagnosed on anything despite therapists and doctors mentioning high concerns for OCD, anxiety and stuff like. My old schooled parents don't think anythings wrong with me and after decades of experiecing this disorder I've learned to mask really well so no one thinks I'm at high concern even when I try to express that I'm going through it, except my older sibling really and other close people. I also have mentioned to my teachers that I'm not good with talking to others whenever they give students the option to tell their dos and don't but it ends up not changing anything. I can't do anything too drastic since that'd just overwhelm me more, that's why I save it for college since by then I could hopefully be diagnosed or at least on the path to diagnoses and since I'm leaving High-school in a year and a half anyways. Lastly, many things I can't change some aspects of the stress at all such as going to the bus- it's awfully crowded in the mornings and there's been many times where I have humiliated myself since I had to look for a spot and if there wasn't any the driver has yelled for people to make space and I'd had to cram in, it's extremely stressful and I've expressed it to my family but they can't do anything about it due to work but I also can't just not go. Same with changing classes, it then leads to more change and I don't like that and overall it's just a process. --- RANT PART: Okay now to still rant, I do hate this BADLY. As I said above the bus made me stress out really bad this morning and I felt sick, it wasn't as crowded today though so thank goodness but it may be in the future . I obviously have been masking pretty good throughout this day, I've made my friend laugh and had some good conversations and I've been pretty decent with not crying silently or fully going nuts in my head. But my ENGLISH CLASS. OH MY GOODNESS, LET ME TELL YOU GUYS I GENUINELY ALMOST started full on smashing my desk (not really but figuratively) I was so overstimulated. Basically the teacher went over rules yadda yadda, and I'd estimate we had to do 10 different partner and group activities throughout the ENTIRE class and along with a physical activity outside the class and made us do it infront of all of our other classmates- and with my slow self I just awkwardly did it and ended up messing up one of the rules which was embarrassing. And this is how it'll be EVERY SINGLE DAY I HAVE THAT CLASS . She made us last sem read and every chapter go outside the class for a "Walk and Talk" and talk to a classmate about something either personal or about the book. She makes us greet our partner by their name and high-five them when we leave, along with follow up questions I HATE IT ! And she calls us out whenever we don't do it so it pressures me and ugh no no I can't do it. But I have to so I just start hyping myself up in my head whenever the class starts. Rest of my classes are decently okay. Tomorrow I have weight training PE and have to make a group of 4 each time and that's really stressful. Hopefully my new friend from last sem PE is there so I can have someone to be in a group with, but if not I'm over. That's all I have to say for now, wish me luck guys I still have 3 hours left ! 😔 Thankfully I'm in study hall right now so that's like a break for me and I can calm myself down. Intrusive thoughts and OCD is still biting me but that's how it is. (I have listened to your guy's other advice though :^) drawing right now since it's break.)

Just had a very inaproppriate intrusive thought while I had an intimate moment, I do not know how to deal with it. I feel like a monster, I never experienced sexual intrusive thoughts, and this one is actually disgusting. What bothers me the most is the moment when it happened. I will not name it, but is it something that I should talk about with my partner? Or move on? But I feel like talking about it would do good.

Hi everyone, I haven’t been on here in ages lol. I hope everyone’s doing okay 🫶🏾. Just a little update on how I’m doing. The therapist/tutor I used to have on a certain day a long while ago doesn’t take me out of lessons anymore. I remember we had a final session where she asked if the sessions helped and if I wanted them to continue. I said they really did help, and she said she’d look into it, though it might not be her. After that, I never got another therapist/tutor, which was kind of strange. But that was a while ago now. I also had a really close online friend who I talked to every single day, no matter what. We had such a strong connection (at least in my opinion). Sadly, she can’t talk to me anymore because of her strict parents, and we haven’t spoken in over a month now. It really hurts, and I miss her a lot. I just hope she’s doing okay :( I know this rant isn’t really about OCD, but I just wanted to get it out. My OCD is still there, but I can cope with it a bit better now. For example, when I’m watching TikToks, my mind tells me to read loads of comments exactly and check how many likes they have. It’s so annoying, especially doing that every scroll 🫩. I don’t want to do it, but my mind’s like, “Do it or you’ll regret it later.” Even when I’m getting changed for school, I have to make sure all my clothes are perfectly placed in my wardrobe before I leave the room. Sometimes when an OCD thought comes in, I tell myself, “Ignore it, what’s actually going to happen if you don’t read that comment?” I haven’t really opened up about this, but I had a really close best friend back in Year 7 and 8. I’m in Year 10 now, and I still randomly think about her and how much she’s changed. Seeing her around school is really awkward now, it’s like we were never close, even though we were. We just pass each other in the corridors. One day I told her she’d changed a lot and barely texted me anymore (and i thought this relationship isn't really going as well as it used too). She just laughed. We’re not enemies or friends now, and I don’t think there’s any hate, but I honestly don’t know. I think my problem is that I can’t move on. No matter what I do, I just can’t. Now I miss my online best friend who felt like a sister to me, and I lost one of my closest friends a long time ago too. If you’ve read all of this, thank you so much for reading until the end. Even if you haven’t, you still mean so much to me, and I love you all deeply. Please stay safe and try to stay strong and resilient when things aren’t going your way. I still get thoughts about the past and feel emotional sometimes, and you can probably see it on my face. I’m really quiet in real life, and I struggle to keep conversations going, if I even start one, it usually lasts two minutes and feels awkward. Sorry for ranting so much, and you probably didn’t read all of this lol. I probably won’t use the app much, but I’ll check in every now and then. I only remembered it because of a random TikTok. I hope everyone who helped me on here in the past is doing really well. See you everyone. :)

Hey guys, I haven’t posted in a longtime but I suffer from ocd/adhd and am constantly in my head. I also have severe social anxiety. Last year I started a new job in medical and called out a lot due to being sick constantly I guys my immunize system was in shock idk. But Wednesday last week i started to feel so much pressure in my face and basically was sick where my face was pounding and my vertigo is terrible. I’m going back to work tomorrow and I can’t get out of my head about tomorrow I’m worried everyone’s mad at me and I’m being talked about. Please give advise I’m really fighting anxiety hard today

(31 year old male) I struggle with retroactive jealously. It’s irrational and I know it is but my mind can’t seem to stop the mental theatrics. Me and my current girlfriend of just over a year went to college together so we know of the same people. I was in a long relationship with my now ex during that time, I never knew my current girlfriend during those years in college. Recently, through a transparency discussion - I found out that she had sexual history with someone I consider to be a friend. Not in my direct close friends, but someone that I had regular interaction with. She obviously did nothing wrong, I was with someone else - we didn’t know eachother, shes got just as much of a right as me to be with someone else in that time of our life. My ocd doesn’t care and it’s exhausting. I find myself ruminating and going through mental movies of what they did together in the past. This is admittedly paired with my own insecurities which is the worst part. I have always considered myself underweight and it’s easy to fall into comparisons with her previous partners. Another part of this is, I am a mixed man (black and white), who was raised by a white single mother and I had little to no connection with my father - this has always left me with a feeling of disconnectedness with my blackness. Paired with I never had the mental strength to progress in sports past recreation, it’s really tough to find out that my now girlfriend had previous intimacies with overseas basketball players and the friend I mentioned above was at our college for football. I fall into allowing myself to go down the rabbit holes of being inadequate, or the assumption that those previous people must be bigger than me, able to satisfy her more than I could? She’s done nothing to feed this thought, and thankfully I haven’t gotten to the point where I directly ask size comparisons. But my mind won’t let me just let it go. It’s clearly associated with childhood insecurities. I don’t get complaints in the bedroom, I’ve always considered myself above average but it’s easy to make assumptions because of the extremes of pornography. I recognize how pornography is an issue and have completely stopped watching now that I’m faced with this. I just wonder if this is something I will ever be able to get over? This girl is perfect for me in so many aspects, it feels stupid to be this caught up on something that objectively shouldn’t matter. She may have had dealt with more people in the past than I’d like (12), but she still is very submissive to me and it doesn’t feel like there is any residual tendencies that she adopted from other men. Such a long post, and I could go into more context but I just wanted to post my struggle because I know I’m not the only one out here dealing with this.

Sorry if this is long. I really need advice. I can't stop ruminating over someone my sister and I cut out of our lives several months ago. I don't think she was a bad person, but... I don't know. I'm so conflicted over everything. I can't stop thinking about whether I was right to end it, whether I ended it correctly or not, whether I'm a bad person because of it, etc, etc... I didn't want to be friends. I didn't want to keep in contact. I suck with boundaries, which is one of the reasons we were probably even friends for so long. That sounds horrible to say, but I think it's true... It got to a point where my sister didn't even enjoy talking to this person. They were always passive-aggressive towards us, but if we called them out on it, they'd deny it and say we were just reading it wrong. Or they'd just avoid having a conversation about it, insult us, and call us dramatic if we expressed hurt over their comments. I decided one night after talking with my mom about everything that I didn't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. I have so many bad memories connected to them. I didn't appreciate them mistreating my sister, either. The next day, I wrote out a message. I didn't go into a bunch of details or list every single reason why. I kept it brief, initially. She was hurt, which I expected. I felt so much guilt. But then she wrote five pages in reply, gaslighting and insulting us. She misconstrued everything we said, and I tried to re-explain, but it just led to worsening the situation. After it was over, I felt so much relief. My sister and I cried a lot, though. I feel like it was okay for us not to want to talk to this person anymore, but months later, I still feel so guilty. It's gotten to a point where I get thoughts like, "What if I'm manipulative somehow?" Because there were so many points throughout us knowing each other where I just didn't want to. I know I cared about this person, but I can't think of them now without feeling guilt and nauseating anxiety. I'm trying to remind myself that while not every single moment was bad, my decision to cut them out of my life was still valid. But I get a lot of thoughts telling me I made the wrong decision, or I should've ended it differently, that I should have talked it out somehow, etc, etc... I'm so tired of these thoughts. I just want to be happy :( Everyone in my life has told my sister and I that it was the correct decision, so why can't I just move past it? I'm scared I'll never stop feeling guilty about this.

Hello. I seriously don’t know whether I’m just doubting my gender because of OCD or if it was just meant to happen. I haven’t seen many people struggle with this so that makes it 10x worse. I get mad when my homophobic and transphobic dad makes mean comments and it scares me because why am I getting upset over something that doesn’t affect me? Genuinely I need some help. I’m starting therapy on Thursday and I’m so scared of being misdiagnosed or just being told “it’s okay to question your gender” when that’s not what I’m doing at all. I also went through this alternative phase where I thought I was she/they but idk. I mean sure it’s fine, but she/her in my opinion is easier. I don’t think I’d ever tell everyone my pronouns anyway. I don’t care when someone calls me she/her it’s just a normal regular thing for me. Any tips please

(Reposted ! Last one I deleted since I was just ranting at that point and now I feel like I need more advice than listening if that makes sense <:"^) but NO reassurance as per usual ! as much as I want it.) But anyways my OCD is FLARING, awful scenarios are showing up and having to see loud and obnoxious classmates, and everything I don't like again tomorrow + having to deal with partnering up with other people constantly and other things and it is making me choke up with tears and I feel like I'm going to PUKE . Like my stomach is turning, my chest is pounding, my head is pounding as well and I feel like I'm going to go nuts . I don't feel well and I know this is a school fear thing because yesterday I felt completely fine . (Besides headache but that was also due to OCD.) I have never felt this way about a place before and it's messing with so many of my OCD subtypes. I keep doing compulsions to try to ease the stress but the intrusive thoughts just won't stop coming. So anyone who has graduated or has had a really hard time during school if you guys have any advice for me it'd be really appreciated !! But more so advice of how you guys prepare yourselves mentally or what you guys do, I don't have the resources for the school to help me out for many reasons nor teachers take me seriously at many times (so I'd prefer not getting any advice on talking to counselors or stuff life that !) -- Teachers also don't allow headphones for students in certain classes, obviously no phones. Especially no headphones for classes where I need to talk to others classmates and stuff like that. Which is frustrating since that's the only comforting thing I have left and after that I feel like it's just over for me . :^( So pls let me know !!

As the title says, I was diagnosed with OCD in the 4th grade by a child psychologist. My classmates and I were learning cursive at the time. If I didn't think my writing was perfect, I'd erase and rewrite the words until there were holes in my paper. My hair had to be in a perfect slicked-back pony tail. I'd get so distressed over it that I'd miss the school bus. If I went around a chair 5 times, I'd have to go around it the other way 5 times. Losing count was so stressful. My parents had to tuck me in perfectly at night and if they didn't, I'd make them leave the room and start over. Stuff like that. I was prescribed some medication (perhaps an SSRI), did some exposure therapy, and it "went away".. for awhile. It manifested into disordered eating/obsessive exercising in middle school and high school. I started getting panic attacks around 16 or 17, while in a relationship with my first "real love". I put myself back into therapy in college and have gone on and off since. Although expensive, I have benefitted greatly from it. I am looking forward to a long overdue appointment, after my therapist was out on medical leave. As a now 37-year-old, romantic relationships are what I struggle with the most and seem to give me the most distress. Yet I keep seeking them out because I hate feeling lonely. My current partner is really.. truly.. great, but I can't stop obsessing over him and our relationship. I often doubt whether he's actually attracted to me (he has some ED symptoms we are working through together). We have conflicting work schedules, so sometimes communicating about plans can trigger my anxiety. I guess I'm here because I'm seeking community. I feel out of control and like I'm losing touch of reality. Im finding it very hard to calm my nerves, or stop my crying fits. I'm using alcohol to cope and it feels shameful. I don't want to scare my boyfriend with my mental health woes, as his last partner of 10 years took her own life. He deals with depression himself and uses alcohol pretty frequently. I hope joining this community can help me regain my stability and strengthen our relationship. Because I really do love and care for him.

So, long story short. My partner and I rushed the beginning of our relationship in terms of sexual things and we both felt uncomfortable sometimes by doing different things that we never properly communicated until after. Us rushing led to something that has left me pretty traumatized in the relationship. He was fingering me and he was so engaged in the moment that he didn't hear me say stop the first two times, but I firmly said it the third time and he stopped immediately. I told him what happened and how I said it twice before he stopped, and he bawled his eyes out and felt so guilty. My boyfriend is a great guy, I just want that to be in mind. But, now everytime we do stuff, and now sex, it feels odd. Like dissociated. Recently, I had asked him to buy different condoms and lube since it was hurting a bit. He came home and I just wasn't feeling it that night and he said "but you asked me to buy them" he didn't mean to pressure me, and we talked about this today too and how he thought about it after he said it and felt really bad. Now im questioning if we did something that night, or if we DID do something that night was it consentual and unrelated to the comment he made earlier? My mind immediately wants to rush to the worst after every time we're intimate like "was this rape?" "Did he violate me?" Its so hard, because he can't read my mind. He said that I should never feel pressured to do anything, and he would never make me feel guilty for it and be so proud of me if I spoke up and that I was being vulnerable with him. Are these incidents just normal levels of miscommunication that can happen in a relationship? Please help

New Year, New me— and I’m letting myself dig deep into themes I really haven’t fully tackled yet. The one I’m focusing on here is an Existential OCD obsessed with the passage of time. Specifically: • mental review to categorize time periods and memories within my mind • distress at the realization that XYZ amount of time has passed since a certain year, era or milestone in my life • dread about the idea that time goes by too fast, and that I have to hold onto every moment and make it extra worth it or I have done something “wrong” There’s a few factors to it that really amp it up for me. I have CPTSD and very deep childhood/adolescent-aged trauma, so some of this is linked to wanting some weird sense of control over that in my mind. I’ve also had this obsession since I was like 11 or 12 (so, going on about 13-14 years now). Put more simply in a way that I think most people can relate to: going “Jesus Christ, how has it been a full decade since 2016??? It felt like yesterday!” but imagine that amped up by a lot and a full blown obsessional theme.

Well this vent turned into a long story… so buckle up if you’re interested. Group projects have always been a struggle… frustrated by the quality of work turned in by others that negatively affects my grade. I used to pair up with kids who didn’t care & just do the whole thing myself. In college, I thought it might be different. I had a group in my undergrad who was so rude to me, but I showed up and did my best anyway. My part of the presentation (that I made completely on my own) got the full # of points. At the end, we all gave each other a score from 1-5. I gave them all 5s even though I didn’t think they deserved it, and I got a score that was 4-6 points lower than 100%. So, someone or several people rated me poorly. Our professor bought us beer at the school brewery to celebrate finishing our capstone, and I ordered a large. Everyone else got small drinks, but I didn’t know until I sat down. I got attitude from them about ordering a large drink. This memory has haunted me for a long time. The scores my group gave me knocked my GPA down to a 3.0, which is the cutoff for graduate school. I’ve questioned if I deserved that. Was I a worse group member than I realized? Was I selfish and rude for ordering a large drink? Was it too expensive? Why was my GPA dropped that much? Was it karma? Would I still be accepted into a grad program? I was healing from a major life-altering, near-death experience car accident and concussion at the time. I vaguely told the group I had disabilities, but since my medical issues were invisible to them- I don’t think they believed me. My dog wasn’t service trained back then… after she was, people were nicer and seemed to believe me more when she was with me. I hated that I felt like I needed strangers to believe I had medical problems… and now I can see how that was related to OCD. I still feel like I have to prove myself. People used to come up to us and start petting her without asking and bombarding me with questions about “how to get one” …it seemed like people still didn’t believe I had disabilities even though she was a clear physical representation. It was so frustrating… especially if I was symptomatic or trying to catch a flight. Eventually when people approached us, I learned to start with, “well, you need to have a qualifying disability and paperwork to prove it” …that usually forced people to check themselves. Although, I had a lady scream and wave her hands in my face at the airport. She was yelling asking if my dog was an epilepsy service dog. We were on our way to our gate, so I didn’t stop and she kept yelling as we rode away on the moving sidewalk thing. I don’t understand why people think I owe them any explanation or lesson on service dogs. It’s so bizarre. I slowly started to give up, and was letting people touch her when I didn’t want them to because they would go away faster. My dog loved the attention, but it messed with her focus and training. I started getting frustrated with her too. It wasn’t her fault but I wanted it to stop. I think she started appearing like a “fake” SD because of her attention to/from strangers. So then I worried about appearing like a fraud even more. I felt trapped like once someone had permission to pet her… coerced or otherwise, I couldn’t change the expectation. I got in a bad habit of letting grad school classmates pet her… which felt impossible to undo because I had classes with the same cohort for years. I started being standoffish to people, wanting to be left alone. I was constantly running late (also connected to OCD- checking locks, compulsions, etc). Then I was worried if I was being mean to my dog because I was annoyed and always rushing her around. We were constantly in a frantic hurry. It was more difficult for people to stop us if we were rushing, but I was stressing us both out. I had a grad party recently & found out a classmate who also has disabilities thought I didn’t like her. She was forced to sit in the front because she was in a wheelchair and I wanted to disappear in the back, so I always rushed past her. She asked me about the SD process at some point too, and I wasn’t in the mood so I was probably rude. She’s the only person who actually did deserve an answer… I feel bad about that, but it’s also not my job to educate every single person about service dog training. My service dog is retired now due to getting older, and I’ve started getting nasty looks from people again as I’m adjusting to existing in the world without her. Usually when I park in the handicap spot… even though I have a state issued placard from the DMV and my medical issues are real. I have stacks of documents proving it. I think the desire to be believed might be a validation seeking thing… but it never goes away because there are always new strangers. I also had to literally prove myself and the legitimacy of my medical issues in a court case against the person who ran into me with their car. My brain was still developing when it happened, and then it was seriously injured… so I think there are some strong neural pathways related to proving myself and not feeling safe. The car insurance company we were suing was aggressive and tried to challenge my credibility. It’s their job, but still hurt because they were attacking me personally. I became obsessed and paranoid about my medical records. Worried if I said the wrong thing, I wouldn’t win the case or be able to pay off the stacks of medical debt that came from the accident and recovery. I became obsessed with safety, and never felt safe- in the world, in my body, etc. We won the case, but the money didn’t go very far. That’s a story for another time. I applied for disability benefits a few years ago when things were bad, and gave up after they denied it the 1st time. I’ve heard they commonly deny the 1st app, but I didn’t have it in me to jump through hoops to prove myself to yet another entity. It seems like I’ll never be able to fully prove myself and feel relief. I have regret for how all of these feelings built up to me completely shutting down and being unwelcoming to anyone and everyone. My personality changed… to the point my doctor thought I had a personality disorder. I was angry at the world for years. Why me? It’s all so unfair. I was seriously hurt by a careless driver 10yrs ago, and have been suffering ever since. It’s not enough that I’m forever physically injured, have permanent medical issues, and I’m in debt. I’m also being socially tortured, questioned, shamed… I just want to live in peace. I want to be left alone unless it’s a mutual connection. This injury created a metaphorical gaping wound that never healed and gives people access to my most vulnerable parts. I just want to be treated with basic respect and kindness. I want to be believed. Why don’t people believe me? Why do I care if they do?!😵‍💫

Hi folks. Are there success stories out there of those who suffer(ed) from ROCD? I just can’t tell whether it’s ROCD or if I’m just making excuses and calling otherwise anxiety/“doubts” something else because I’m afraid to face the music. I’ve worried about most things one could worry about in a relationship: if he likes me enough, if he has a porn addiction I don’t know about, if he’s settling for me, if he’s attracted to me, if I’m really his type. Now as things are getting serious, I’m obsessed with whether I like him enough or not. I’m dreading future-oriented things. I hesitated getting into a relationship with him from the start, as I went through a very traumatic divorce two years prior and felt nervous about him despite him being an extremely committed, kind, and healthy romantic partner. I dated others in the past that usually were clearly noncommittal and I held on, I think because those felt passionate or something. Unlike those guys, I always considered my current boyfriend as a serious contender for something long term, but nitpicked ridiculous things. Currently, he feels so far away from me right now that I don’t feel anything. He almost doesn’t feel real. These worries usually consume most of my brain power for a week or two and then subside. This one is really strong and it won’t let go, and it’s scaring me. Am I just a people pleaser? Too scared to say I want something else because I don’t know what it is? Or is this really ROCD? I’m really tired, and I can’t keep living life like this.

Losing more sleep currently. I'm hoping I can still see my therapist today and just tell them all about this. I'm a little sick, and my throat will not stop getting dry. I've tried eating, lots and lots of water, and I've currently been drinking milk. It helped one day but not so much now. I want this to end. I want my life back. I want to be able to sleep again. I want my life back prior to OCD man. I can't deal with this anymore.

So, I was stuck in a pretty intense spiral from the beginning of November until almost the end of December, and I’m finally starting to feel a little bit better. I’m starting ERP this week, and I’m just really nervous and anxious about it because of it possibly reigniting the spiral. Part of me doesn’t want to do it since the spiral is slowing down and seems manageable, but the other part of me knows if I put it off then the spiral could come back even worse. I’m just scared and exhausted. Even just making my trigger and response list made me pretty anxious. I almost feel like I’m more scared of getting re-triggered than I am about the thoughts themselves.