i'm scared of my life right now. yesterday, i really had very dark and blasphemous thoughts about Jesus, and i think i believed and agree with them. as i think about it right now, i think i smiled or felt proud of it yesterday. i wasn't even sure if i laughed, felt proud, agree, or believed it—but i think i did believe and agree with it. yesterday, i felt sick too because of a cold, and i think i'm going through depression for days, so i felt so exhausted.
as i'm typing right now the phrase that i'm going through depression and felt sick yesterday, my brain says that maybe i'm just using those as an excuse to not look horrible. today, i feel so horrible because what happened yesterday is very wrong. i shouldn't believe or agree in that. Jesus is very kind and loving, so why would i agree with those blasphemous thoughts?
i hate what is happening to me right now. i feel like i'm not sorry enough for the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus. i feel so terrible. i feel like i'm starting to get cruel. even with random people, i'm having cruel thoughts and feel like i agree with them. i'm not like this before. i don't know why i feel this way—like i will just fully believe and agree in every cruel thought i have. i feel like i have no energy to really feel bad, even though i know how terrible those thoughts are.
i don't want to be a cruel person. i feel so sorry and bad for the thoughts i had about Jesus and those people, and it doesn't help that i keep thinking about whether i really believed and agree with them. i'm also scared because i'm thinking i'm developing psychosis. i've been analyzing my behavior before and earlier, and i'm scared that too much thinking will lead me there.
i'm scared because i also have urges to laugh sometimes, and i have random thoughts and phrases that comes on my mouth that are unrelated to what i'm doing. my emotions also don’t match the situation sometimes. i'm also talking to myself out loud—i’m doing it to answer back to my ocd and explain things, but sometimes i'm doing it randomly or out of nowhere but i'm aware of it. i'm so scared of developing psychosis.
i'm 17, and i can't see the purpose of living like this. i hate my brain. i hate myself. i feel so cruel. if i die, i'm thinking i’ll go to hell because i believed and agree on the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus, even though i cry, hurt myself, and acknowledge how horrible and wrong they are already. i feel like i'm still believing and agreeing on those blasphemous thoughts, like they have a point—and i hate that. it is so horrible. i even scared how my feelings are not aligned, like i really like it.
i don't know why i feel this way. i'm so cruel. when i think about healing myself, i feel so undeserving of it—because why would a cruel person like me deserve that? why would someone who might commit blasphemy against Jesus heal? i just want to d!e. i'm so tired. i don't care about myself anymore, but i'm so scared and worried about what i've done to Jesus. can you help me? i badly need help. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so condemned. i feel like i'm about to develop psychosis because of this. please help me. i feel so cruel.