Last night, I was scrolling on TikTok and saw a video in photo mode. It was about a girl who was raised by her single mom. Her mom was always there for her, loving and supportive. As I swiped through the pictures, a horrible thought suddenly appeared — a wish of death on the mom.
I don’t even know why it happened. I can’t remember clearly if I shook my head or reacted in some way. My memory feels blurry, and now my mind keeps going back to it. At the end of the photo slideshow, it said her mom had passed away. The moment I saw that, my heart sank. I felt this terrible, overwhelming guilt, as if I had somehow caused it just by having that thought. I can’t forgive myself for it, especially because the mom was so kind and loving.
The pain hit me so hard. I felt like a monster. I couldn’t tell anymore if it was just an intrusive thought or if it actually came from me. I kept thinking, “What if I meant it? What if I really wished it?” The guilt started to eat me alive. I felt disgusting, unforgivable, and full of shame. It feels like I commit an unforgivable crime.
That night before bed, I cried and prayed to God. I asked Him to please forgive me, even though I felt too horrible to be forgiven. I tried explaining to Him how confused I was, how I didn’t understand my own thoughts. I prayed and begged Him to take my life already. I wished for it because I was just so exhausted from the pain, the guilt, the fear, and everything my mind was putting me through. I feel so awful, and since I don't have the courage to end my life, I keep wishing God to take my life, hoping He hears me. I'm honestly rooting not to wake up on the next morning.
This morning, I woke up and didn’t feel relieved. I hate that I woke up because I knew the guilt would still be there. It felt like I had done something terrible, and I couldn’t escape from it. I kept questioning, “What if it wasn’t OCD? What if I really meant it?” I felt trapped in my mind, unable to breathe, unable to feel peace.
I feel so lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not suicidal. I just want this suffering to end. I feel like I don’t deserve to go to heaven because I’m a horrible person. It breaks me to think that God might not forgive me anymore and that He’s already done with me.