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I used to be a really bad person. Like a really really bad person. Completely self centered and vindictive with no regard for the feelings and well being of others. This came out especially in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years. I don't know how. I have done some truly fucked up things (especially around 5-6 years ago), and she has always forgiven me and assured me that she still wants to be with me. I think I may have some other underlying mental issues, and I suspect I may have some kind of personality disorder or something. I've confessed so many horrible things I've done/thought in regards to her and our relationship. Not your typical OCD confessions that are blown up, but really damaging stuff. I was a horrible partner to her. There was infidelity manipulation, fucked up thought, etc. I was a nightmare, all the worst things a partner and person could be. I was always thinking about me and what I could get out of the relationship. When we had issues, I would check out and do whatever I pleased to make me feel better/more in control. She probably shouldn't be with me, and I'm terrified I've given her Stockholm Syndrome or something. She doesn't agree with this, and she says she is capable of choosing what she wants for herself. She agrees that my past behaviors were terrible, but she sees my remorse, shame, and desire to be the person she deserves. She sees how much I despise the person I was, and how I'd do anything to go back and have a word/fight with my old self. That is a big reason she forgives me. I went through years of confessing every detail from that time that I could remember. Truly awful things, definitely more real deserved guilt than OCD. A lot of the confessions were really upsetting to her. Still, when I ask her how much of these confessions were necessary/she needed, she says that most of them weren't entirely necessary. She doesn't want to hear anymore confessions about the past, especially in regards to things I thought. She says that really only actions are important. It's been months since I spiraled about this particular time in my life. I thought I had exhausted all confessions, and my OCD and anxiety started focusing on other things (my cat's health, what kind of cat parent I am, other real events, confession urges fom my childhood, etc.) But last week, it all started again. It started with thoughts about her/our relationship that probably contributed to the mindset that led to my terrible actions. It's hard, because I remember thinking a lot of these fucked up things, but my memory is having a hard time remembering all of the good things that I was also thinking. I couldn't have been that bad 100% of the time, right? This is eating me alive, because a big part of rebuilding a relationship after the things I've done revolves around going back and figuring out "why". Figuring out what contributed to the behavior. I've dug a lot and confessed a lot about my mindset at the time, but I didn't confess this. Why? Was it because I didn't think about it? Because I wasn't 100% sure? Because I was afraid of hurting her feelings? I confessed so many other things that absolutely hurt her feelings, but I feel like the reason I didn't confess this part was because I didn't want to hurt her, and I was scared that it would be the thing that was "too much". But I was so focused on absolutely truth and transparency for years. Every other confession urge would eat me alive until I gave in. So why didn't I tell her this? Was it even in my mind at the time? Should I confess now because, wven though they were thoughts, I probably let these thoughts contribute to my behavior (which is an action)? It's so hard to remember my exact mindset from those years. I can only remember the evil that I thought/did. Nothing else l. Another memory popped up today. This one was action based. I don't want to call it a false memory, because with what a fucked up person I was, it absolutely could have happened. I could absolutely see myself doing it. I did similar things, and I feel like I remember having a specific thought/intention to do this thing. But I'm not 100% sure it happened. I feel like I remember thinking about this during my other initial confessing, but I think back then I couldn't remember if it was 100% true. It's very serious, and it involves stealing a small amount of money (like between $5-30 change from a purchase or from her desk) with the intent to start an emergency "get out" fund. I feel pike I absolutely remember having the thought (not necessarily about taking the money from her, but putting away money for that in general). I don't know if I actually did what I'm thinking, or if I'm filling in blanks because I know that I was fucked up enough to do something like that at the time. Maybe having that thought alone is enough of a reason to confess, but she's trying to set firm boundaries around confessing my past thoughts. But what about possible actions? I feel like I might have a personality disorder, because sometimes I feel like I experienced splitting around this time. Like there would be some perceived slight that would make me view myself as some kind of victim, therefore causing me to think "fuck everyone else" and do fucked up (sometimes impulsive) things to make me feel more in control/whatever other thing I felt I was lacking. I can't remember if I felt bad about these things during this time. I know that I downplayed things sometimes. Idk. It keeps spiraling. I keep remembering things. I'm also having trouble remembering what I've already confessed. My brain feels like a nightmare. After all of this, she still loves me. She doesn't treat me differently. She says she forgives me, and I feel that forgiveness and love every day. I know I don't deserve her. I know she probably shouldn't be with me. I will never forgive myself. I will never like myself again. I will spend the rest of my life putting her first, as long as she will have me. I know that my girlfriend wouldn't want to be with me if I was still the same person I was back then. I've spent years self reflecting and trying to take accountability for everything I've done. But even after months of no confessing or ruminating about this, things still pop up. I feel like if she doesn't know everything, she doesn't know me. She can't consent to our relationship. I fear that I was misdiagnosed and don't have OCD. I know this is all deserved. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do. I want to be qith her forever. She wants to be with me. I want to give her the decision to have whatever she wants. I'm afraid of her not choosing what's best for her. I'm afraid it's all too tainted. I would do anything to go back and beat myself senseless. I truly despise myself.

Hi there, first time poster here. I struggle a lot with false memory/real event from the past. Both have ties to fear of being arrested and sent to prison. Given how long it was ago, I've somewhat accepted the uncertainty of not knowing because old memories are fallible. However, something happened last week which triggered my OCD and I'm experiencing the same things. I feel so scared and frustrated that I can't even trust my recent reality. I tried framing it as "if you've really done what you've feared, then you'd be certain that it happened because it was recent and you'd be worrying about the consequences of it, rather than worrying about whether you've done it or not"' but the false/intrusive memory won't let me even have it. I know I'm supposed to sit with it but today just feels really hard to do it. I'm so drained and depressed that it's ruining my ability to look forward to things. I posted here to vent because I feel alone about this but I hope anyone experiencing this gets the light they need.

TW: Mentions of traumatic events, sexual topics, and other things. I'll be 100% honest. This is going to be long. Very long. Very very very very long. I'm gonna try and keep it as concise as possible, while still providing enough details to properly express everything. Let's get started then. 1. Being a perpetrator of COCSA. I was young, around 12. This happened a few times. My step-brother was one of my victims. He doesn't seem to remember. I hate being around him. He acts perfectly normal around me, whereas I shrink myself down and try to be invisible. My step-mom was a victim of COCSA as well when she was really young. She started going off about it last night, about how much of a disgusting bitch her brother is, about how she wishes he would die. I wonder if my family were to remember what I did all those years ago, if they'd hate me, or if they'd try to kill me. They threaten to kill people messing with our family all the time. I almost just broke down crying when I heard her rant. I was on the phone with a friend and I basically just froze. Couldn't speak for a few minute. They were watching me play a game, and I just stopped playing for a moment. ___________________________________________ 2. My actions online. I was addicted to sexting for many years. Sending pictures of myself and receiving them from whoever would accept me. This took place from when I was like... 11-15. So many adults took advantage of me. I didn't even understand that this was illegal to do for the longest time. You'd think it'd be obvious, but no, I'm just a stupid idiot. There were questionable age gaps involved. I was 14 and someone was 17, I was 15 and someone was 12. I am so disgusted with myself, and I can't move on no matter how hard I try. ___________________________________________ 3. The death of my dog. We have to keep our German Shepherds and our small dogs separated, because one of the Shepherds will attack the small ones. One day, the violent Shepard got by the gate we built specifically to keep them back, and she attacked my dachshund. I was the only person to actually try to save her, everybody else just watched. I still have a small scar on my hand from where the small dog bit me out of fear. We live too far away from town, so there was no way we could've gotten her help in time. And even if we were closer, the vet was closed at this point. My best friend (who I'll talk about soon) said that the best thing I could do was try to keep her alive until morning. We couldn't stop the bleeding. She bled out, right there on the carpet. I lost it. I marched right up to my parents door and demanded we get rid of the dog. (Which, I'm normally quiet and timid, just shows how done I was.) That I was tired of worrying about this exact event happening every day. They shut me down, saying it was just an accident, and that I needed to calm down. My dad buried her right off the edge of the driveway. My brother accidentally hit it with the car the next day. I can't pet or be around that German Shepard without getting flashbacks. ___________________________________________ 4. Too much pain in the world. I'm tired of waking up every day and seeing some news story about how some place got bombed. Or how another war broke out. Or how children are getting trafficked. How am I supposed to live in a world so corrupt that even a sicko like me is disgusted? Why are the worst people in positions of power? People somehow more messed up than me, that actually ENJOY hurting people, getting all the power they could ever want. ___________________________________________ 5. I don't fight to stop the neglect. This part hurts to write. I still live in my neglectful household, since I haven't had the strength to work or really leave my house in 2 years. Dropped out of college at 18, and simply have been autopiloting since. My parents neglect my smaller dogs, and I'm only able to do so much to help them. One of them has fur so matted that you can't easily pet her anymore. And idk what to do. I can't cut her fur without help, because she flails around. I can't take her to the vet or a groomer, because then they'll call the authorities. I wish I could do more, but it feels so pointless. No matter how I try to fix up my house, it's never enough, no matter how much work I do for the dogs, it's never enough. ___________________________________________ 6. The toxic work culture and the system. I live in America, personally. I'm not gonna try and say it's the worst place to live, because it's absolutely not. But the idea that America is a shining beacon of hope and opportunity, is also false. I've watched the system beat down my entire family every way it can. My dad getting denied disability, my grandma being a victim of medical malpractice and nobody is willing to take her case. Am I so wrong for not wanting to participate? Am I so wrong for wanting to just run into the forest and never come back? I probably would, if I wasn't so weak and reliant on technology. I dunno anything about survival. ___________________________________________ 7. My POCD. (That I don't have a diagnosis of, but I hope that I have it.) I can't look at a child without having messed up thoughts. I can't hear a child's voice without getting groinals. Can't see a movie or an ad containing children without freaking out. I immediately shut my eyes or turn off the TV. I hate being around my nephew. I have false memories about him. What makes it worse, is that he loves me to death. During Thanksgiving, my family said that he looked sad until I walked out of my room. Despite me hating children as an adult, I've always been decent at entertaining kids. ___________________________________________ 8. My porn addiction. I've been addicted to pornography ever since I was around... 12? 13? It's been my main coping mechanism for years. Even now, when I'm obsessed with taboo themes and anything sexual disgusts me, it's still the only coping mechanism that works. Though I'll admit, if we had any alcohol around, I'd probably be drinking myself to death. I've watched so much messed up stuff. I've become desensitized, in a way. ___________________________________________ 9. My best friend. This'll probably be the longest bit, because it hurts the most. Saved this for last for a reason. She's been by my side for the last two years while I've been in my depressive slump. We've gotten so close over the last few years. Recently, though, I realized just how much of a disgusting perv and creep I've been towards her. Regardless of whether or not I've actually meant to be or not. All this creepy stuff has been my way of flirting, in a way. Especially when I was 18. I've gotten better at knowing what I should and shouldn't say over time. She tells me that I haven't done anything wrong, that she understands and accepts that I'm attracted to her sexually. (She even gets mad when I obsess and ask if I've done something wrong.) But I have, objectively, even if she doesn't think I have/she forgives me for it. I've been a pervert, plain and simple. I also have a real event/false memory of my potentially touching her inappropriately while we were swimming. I did do it, completely by mistake, and she acknowledges that, but I'm scared I actually meant to do it, enjoyed it, or even tried to do it again. I was so clingy that day, resting my head on her shoulder and cuddling with her in the car. (I asked permission to do so, of course) So the fact that I was already more touchy than I normally would be with any other person, I'm convinced that it did happen. ___________________________________________ So that's all. All that I'm willing to talk about. There's more than this, obviously. I want to stop obsessing over things. I know what my true values are, regardless of what events are real or not, regardless of what I can or cannot control in my life. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to take advantage of people. Quite the opposite. I want to ease people's pain. I care about my friend so much. I have cried my eyes out over her so many times because I'm so scared I've hurt her, and she just won't admit it. She begs me to move out, to go live with her. And I don't trust myself to. I don't trust myself around her anymore. I want to know what she sees in me. She says I'm so kind, so respectful. That I'm one of the only people that click with her. But I feel like I've gaslit her into thinking that I'm a good person. Especially since she doesn't know about a lot I the stuff I talked about here. What am I even supposed to do, about any of this? Does anybody have any advice at all? I know I've talked about some heavy stuff, but I genuinely want to be a good person. I want to be better. But I don't know how. I'm just stuck in my room all the time because that's all I know how to do. For now, though, I'll probably just continue to lay in my bed. It's really all I have the strength left to do.

First of all I apologize for my grammar english isnt my first language Im 19 and I am from germany, ive been suffering with severe ROCD since ive been 14 :(.. I have a big fear of cheating on my boyfriend thats why I keep analysing ALL my intrusive thoughts and actions ive done, for example if another guy from my class texts me and asks me for homework I keep thinking: Oh this is cheating.. or I asks myself: have I ever done this? Example: I handshake a guy from class my false memory ocd tells me: oh but youve also kissed or hugged him, you just dont remember Then i am not sure anymore if thats false memory ocd or reality I must admit my boyfriend has been toxic for a long time and it started at a young age, he often thought I was cheating or didnt believe me when we were around 14/15, I was very insecure and full of axinety at that age thats why I can tell myself this was strongly traumatic for me. it gets worse, I once convinced myself im cheating on him because im lesbian or p... (POCD) and also sexual orientation ocd. I keep asking others: Have I done something wrong? Do you remember when you were there when I was doing ... did something bad happen? Did I cheat? What If I cant remember or what if thats considered cheating? I once deleted my textmessages from my male classmates because I had a fear my boyfriend would think: why is she so nice to them or why is she laughing that much? I also chat with chatgpt all day to make sure none of my actions are cheating or none of my thoughts. I always get triggered when people talk about relationship rules because I compare myself with it, for example a girl tells me its considered chating if her boyfriend talks to his girl classmates. I tell myself: oh I have done that too I am a terrible person, girlfriend, daughter etc.. If he treats me good, it gets worse because I feel like I dont deserve it. Sometimes I wish I was single and alone so I wouldnt have ROCD but id probaly have other forms of ocd. Im tired from this, I cant focus on school because of these thoughts, I skipped so many days because it became worse, currently Im in 12th grade and its my last school year so the most important one. Im trying to fight myself against this but I cant, there were also times where I didnt have ROCD 24/7 and if I remember these times I feel like ive lost control over these times.. I analyse every joke ive made, every step, every thought, every breath, every intention, every conversation, everything. Im tired. :/ I go to sleep with ocd and wake up with it continiuing. My class friends dont understand me, "You wont pass this year" or "Just dont think about it" they dont understand how it feels thinking about this sh.. everyday all the time Im just tired of everything. Im dizzy and tired all the time, Im zoning out in classes and always talking to my amazing parents who are helping me 24/7. Theyve always been perfect, helpful and kind and Ive made a huge mistake not telling them earlier, Ive been suffering alone with these thoughts. I love my parents I just hope somebody can relate to all of this, I feel like Im alone deeply I know that I love my boyfriend more than anything but I cant handle it anymore Im tired.

18+ please I saw art of Marvel Rivals skins and one of them was Peni Parker, nothing weird official art of a skin they'll be releasing, I didn't realise who it was at first so zoomed in, my OCD convinced me it was with sinister intentions (Even if it was, they've confirmed she's 18 but I still don't like the idea of her being sexualised because she's not in every other continuity). I then kept getting intrusive images of the other version of her from Spider-Verse that were incredibly disgusting and disturbing and I'm struggling with the what if I saw something terrible involving her and didn't do anything or worse, even though it makes no sense as when I saw something like that, I freaked out for an entire day and the other time was just under some random tweet that again, freaked me out for a while. Those were both this year though and I have this nagging in the back of my head of "What if it was earlier than that and you forgot?". I know I have to just sit with the uncertainty and stop ruminating but it's really really hard. Does anyone have any techniques they use to do it that help?

Feeling hurt and triggered by something my brother said Hi everyone, I just need to get this out and explain what’s going on. I’m struggling right now because my OCD is triggering really badly. Recently, my younger brother, who has autism, said something that really hurt me. He claimed that when we were kids, I kissed him on the cheek and that it felt “inappropriate” to him. I know that sounds shocking and painful — and honestly, it is. It breaks my heart that my own brother would say something like that about me. I want to make it clear that I would never do anything inappropriate. I remember being a loving older sibling, and I’ve always had strong morals and values. I only ever showed affection in innocent ways, like hugs or kisses on the cheek as a child — something completely normal. I also know that if anything harmful had actually happened, I would remember it. I’ve told other people about this, and they’ve reassured me that I should just ignore him, that he’s probably just trying to get under my skin or doesn’t fully understand what he’s saying. And logically, I know that’s true — especially since he even admitted he might have misread my intentions. But emotionally, it’s really hard. My OCD is making me question myself and spiral, and it’s painful to hear that my own brother would accuse me of something bad when I know I did nothing wrong. I just wanted to share this here because I need support and reassurance that what I’m feeling is valid, and that I’m not a bad person. It’s tough, but I’m trying to remember that his words do not define me, and that my memories and intentions were innocent.

Ok so i was thinking about a past bad real event i had and it’s something im not proud of but then my mind seems to be making up random details to make the situation worse than it was and i can’t even tell whats real anymore. Has anyone had the same thing?

NSFW content warning For the past 3 weeks I’ve been spiralling 24/7 about the years when I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband. I would make a bunch of nsfw photos and videos for him and we would make videos together for when we were apart for a long time. This stopped years ago when we moved in together and we have since deleted the content from anywhere we actively had it stored. My problem is that I’m obsessed with the idea that I could have been hacked somehow and the content could be online without my knowledge. I never had any signs of being hacked or having a virus and I had 2FA on my accounts (most of them at least, I can’t remember exactly it was too long ago), but I had multiple accounts and maybe had some that got abandoned that I don’t have access to. I used to do virus scans and never had a problem with a virus but what if I didn’t realise I had one. I’m also obsessed with the idea that somehow this content could have ended up on someone else in my households devices somehow, thoughts like “what if i shared this folder by mistake” “what if i accidentally put it on an SD card or memory stick”. I’ve been honest with my family about this and I’ve even gone through all the family photos (as best I can, there are thousands and some glitched and were unavailable to view) and found nothing, but I’m scared that there could be stuff on my old laptop hard drives at my parents house and whilst I know they would never snoop I’m scared they could get robbed and the hard drives taken but I don’t know if digging them out and erasing them would be compulsive? I’m also struggling hugely with false memory that has worked its way into this overall fear. What if I recorded something bizarre that I didn’t even send to my husband and don’t remember? Everyone I’ve spoken to including my husband and mom think I am being irrational and say this is my OCD but I am struggling too much to believe there is no real threat so I’m not avoiding my compulsions because my brain is making me feel like this is an active threat. Is ERP even effective for something like this that has basis in reality? I feel like my life is completely over from this fear, sometimes I think I am being irrational to put my life on hold and have it destroyed over something i have no proof of happening but I have considered suicide over this.

Hi. I'm a 25yr old female. Ever since I was a kid, I have had crushes on teachers and older men. For example I remember when I watched daddy day care I was only 5 and had a huge crush on eddie murphy. I was dreaming of him holding me on his lap. Then later had a crush on my teacher. And almost every single male figure in my life, that was even a little bit nice to me, and was attractive, I have had a crush on. Even doctors who were like 50, even if they werent that good looking but if they were just friendly. Usually it's not even sexual. It's from somehwere between and its weird. It's like I want to be taken care of and I want them to hug and give me attention and thats it. With some I desired to be their daughter. Well now it's really been triggering me because somehow my brain is mixing platonic and romantic love, and if I see a good looking father who is attractive and is treating their daughter right, I think "I wish I was that daughter" but somehow I also wish it was romantic at the same time??🤮 That is so twisted I know and I have tried to understand why my brain thinks this way. Because I know if he REALLY was my father I would never be attracted to him. I could never think of anything about my own dad 🤮. But somehow my brain can't comprehend that maybe their own kid doesnt have a crush on them even if I do. This is when it gets really triggering for me. Even if it would be a child. A girl. Still my brain goes "oh I wish I was her" "she must be so attracted to him" (like I am)I cant explain this its so weird. Like for example, I have had a celeb crush on chris martin since I was 9. And I believe its because he is so charismatic and loving. I remember to this day having these dreams where he would come to my house with roses. And when he had a daughter I was so jealous and I was like "she is so lucky to have him as a father" and at the same time it felt like she must be so attracted to him because I couldn't comprehend that maybe not EVERYONE is attracted to him even if I was. I'm feeling extremely awful because whenever I see a picture of them together I just get this weird feeling and my brain doesnt understand that they are a daughter and a father. Or if it does it still views their relationship as romantic. That is so weird and disgusting I know. I do have some issues with my father, he has not been very present and he is very unavailable emotionally, so i dont know if this somehow could be related to it.. but still its very disturbing. I know this is not only ocd because I have felt this way all my life and never been anxious about it, thought it was normal. I only realized it was not normal when I started to pay attention to my feelings more. Now its problematic, for example in school there are 2 male teachers, and I have a huge crush on both of them. I feel like a horrible person. I am so anxious because I have noticed that seeing a man with a daughter sometimes makes me feel turned on. That is so weird and disgusting. So my question is, does anyone else with a conplicated father relationship experience feelings like this? Do you mix romantic and platonic feelings? Or am i the only one? I fear this is proof of something horrible. It doesnt help that i have pocd and false memory so i feel like this only supports both of them. Guys if you reply its not giving reassurance because Im genuinely curious if anyone has experienced anything like this

I've been really struggling with this terrible false memory or real event and I don't know what's real anymore, I keep having this fear that the only reason I think it's false is because I want it to be and I just want it to stop, I don't understand why this one is sticking around and the others aren't/didn't. I thought I could trust this artist because they were followed by another artist that a lot of people who I think are normal and share my morals follow so I projected my morals onto that artist and who they follow, I saw art sexualising a character who I assumed was of age and despite them not having an official age they don't look old enough to be sexualised when I googled it later, I don't think they looked the same in the art I saw but I saw something else they posted and they looked too young to sexualise also but I don't know if it's hindsight or not (This part definitely happened, when I reported them I saw it) but I just have a vague thing of the art of the character that I don't think ever showed their face or didn't look the same because if I thought they looked too young I obviously wouldn't have let it be but the image keeps changing in my head and I'm worried I saw more art sexualising this character (which was maybe true when I was reporting them or smth idk)

OCD can feel so isolating. I understand the need to stop compulsions and not constantly confess. But I find that this has been an extremely lonely process. I’ve been dealing with OCD for several years now and I find that keeping it all to myself feels so “irresponsible”. This is especially true with real event or false memory OCD where I feel like I could have done something wrong but I’m not sure. Many times it feels like I could be hiding something… which triggers the downward spiral of “what ifs”. That being said, when I do share bits and pieces of what I’m dealing with, it may satisfy for a time, but it always comes back. The uncertainty lingers and pain returns. So what to do? Keep it bottled up?? I’m only human and I don’t have a ton of family/friend support right now…my wife is my best friend and the only person I truly rely on. I feel like I’ve let her down. I feel like a failure. On top of that, OCD can make me feel like I’ve harmed those around me. Pls help with your experiences/ thoughts.

+18 So yesterday, I was playing with some friends on a video game server, it's a server where people usually play around on as dinosaurs but then a certain individual who was known as a child joined. Truthfully, I was irritated with this individual and it became annoying to even be in their presence, but I had began to question myself if I was creepy or acting like one of THOSE people, I began to spiral and Google frantically until I got a memory? Truth be told, I don't know if this memory actually happened or not, but it scared me nonetheless. It was a memory of me playing the video game and I was aroused and it felt pleasurable and enjoyable in the moment, I didn't immediately panic or anything, it wasn't just the arousal that made me feel like I liked it but also my feelings. After I "remembered" that memory, I began to spiral terribly to the point I had to get off my PC and keep myself onto my bed out of fear I'd act on my thoughts. I can't be for certain if this memory is true or not, but it genuinely felt like in that moment that I was enjoying the feeling and the thought, it was sexually intrusive in nature yes, but I didn't panic immediately afterwards! I only panicked hours later, I could use some advice or explanation to what the hell this is all about. Please and thank you

Hi. A couple of months ago I got black out drunk (very unlike me and has never happened before) and don’t remember anything from the day. Afterwords, my friend told me that I made her feel uncomfortable by being too touchy and not taking no for an answer. From what she has told me, I only made her uncomfortable and crossed a boundary, but she told me she didn’t feel assaulted. I have since talked about it with her at length, apologized for my actions and taken full accountability. I am now on a full downward spiral because I am obsessing over other experiences I’ve had with friends/partners and if I pressured them sexually or made them feel uncomfortable. No one has ever voiced this to me, but now I can’t stop thinking about different situations. I am paralyzed by these thoughts. I am unable to function, I’m bed ridden, can’t go in public, can’t even work. I have gone to see my doctor and I’m gonna supplement my medication with something else. What I really can’t get past is feeling like a terrible human being capable of terrible things. I don’t know how to stop this thought pattern, or whether I deserve to be punished. Has anyone ever experienced something like this or have any advice? Please.

I feel like I have a good 10 “scenarios” I go over majority of the time and a few of them are Pocd related. It’s always based off memory which turns into a what if I did this. For example me being in a car alone with a friends kid then what if I done this, what if I done that etc. It’s funny because at the time I remember ringing my friends as I wanted “proof” nothing happened as I was on the phone. Yet in true ocd fashion I look at the moments before I rang my friends - something could have happened then. I don’t talk to that friend anymore so couldn’t even try and get some sort of reassurance there.. This isn’t my main theme but it’s up there. How does anyone handle this? Surely “maybe it did, maybe it didn’t” helps. That’s awful…

I’ve been through a really tough year, especially with OCD, and I want to be open about it in case it helps someone else feel less alone. If anything I share resonates, feel free to comment. My OCD first showed up as sexual-orientation OCD while I was studying abroad in Spain. My program had mostly girls, and my home university is also a very LGBTQ-friendly campus. Being in spaces where sexuality was talked about so openly made me feel pressured to “figure out” my orientation with certainty, which fueled the OCD spiral. At the same time, I was dealing with health OCD around concussions, so everything piled up. In August 2024, after a confusing conversation with a friend, I met a man I have a very deep emotional connection with — a connection that honestly has never gone away. I believed, and part of me still believes, that it was a “twin flame” connection. But the intensity of it triggered multiple OCD themes: sexual-orientation OCD, relationship OCD, existential and religious OCD, and magical thinking. I went down a lot of rabbit holes trying to make sense of it. Around the same time, I started noticing more dysfunction in my family, especially with my mom, and things eventually blew up. The fight we had escalated, and while I don’t want to go into detail, it did get to a point where I felt like my personal space and property were being invaded. I didn’t feel emotionally safe, so I wanted to leave. I ended up staying with my grandparents in Nashville, where I fell into isolation and depression. I put a lot of emotional weight on the man I have the connection with, which led him to set boundaries, and I spiraled even more. My grandparents eventually said I needed to return home, but my mom would only let me come back if I got off Prozac and signed papers giving her control over my medication, which I’m not comfortable with. So now I’m staying at a friend’s apartment on an air mattress while I try to get into a PHP program for OCD and figure out insurance and independence. There were also moments when intrusive thoughts felt like psychic “visions,” which scared me and led me to say things I now regret. My family doesn’t understand OCD and thinks I’m faking or self-diagnosing, which has been incredibly painful. I’m not in the best place mentally, emotionally, or financially, but I’m sharing this because I want this space to feel safe for others too. I also wish I had gotten help sooner. My biggest compulsion right now is using ChatGPT for reassurance before making decisions — which is even why I’m using it to shorten this post. But I’m trying to break that cycle and focus on real recovery. Thanks for reading if you made it here💓💓

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

I go to art school and am taking this one illustration class with a pretty famous illustrator. He's one of my favorite professors, I respect him a lot and want him to like me. We were sketching in class and I threw out a quick thumbnail sketch — really rough and not entirely thought through, just to get the idea out. The article was about telling the truth to kids in history classes, so I started thinking of the Washington cherry tree myth — I had a hand off screen handing a cherry to a child, and was going to have a dark, rotting cherry tree in the background. I just threw out the sketch in two seconds and moved onto the next; I wasn't thinking about it too much. My prof then came over and he made some comments about the other sketches I did. He then said about that sketch, "I don’t wanna be a creep but having a little girl and a cherry…” and then it clicked and now I feel so fucking terrible and I feel like he thinks im a pedo. I know I'm not, but I've just been spiraling and feeling so gross and terrible about myself. God ugh.

Hi all! I made an entry on substack before I started therapy, and I just wanted to share it incase anyone who’s beginning their journey or continuing with it might relate. I must say, my life has gotten better, the thoughts have gotten better, and my relationships have improved since starting here. Like I said in my entry, I previously thought therapy wasn’t for me until I started here, and I’m glad to say now that it DEFINITELY IS! WHY DO I CARE? Why do I care so much? Often it feels like the smallest unplanned reaction (or, more likely, the “wrong” reaction) has me second guessing everything. Did I come off too strong? Did I say something horrible and immediately forget? Does this person dislike me now? Are they still my friend? Will everyone leave because I’m too much? I search the internet as if the answer evades me, but the search brings me back to what I already knew was causing these constant obsessions: Autism and OCD, both of which I’ve had all my life (though only fully realized in the last few years). A joke felt an insult, a shush seemed like a hatred, and actual confrontation? A living nightmare. These diagnoses have helped explain why everything felt so serious all my life. My parents had a delayed arrival home? Someone hurt them and is coming for me next. A fire truck goes by while in class? My apartment must be on fire. I cannot find my cats? They escaped in the fraction of a second the front door was open. And finally, the least favorite of “my special little quirks” is the intrusive images of me laying deceased at the bottom of the staircase anytime I start my decent, convincing myself I’m one misstep away from an untimely death. OCD and Autism coalesce to form a torturous reality. OCD allows me to ruminate and obsess over every conversation and Autism allows my obsessions/ruminations to reach a crescendo, leaving me broken and battered. They combine into a devastating dance of obsession, fear, and loneliness; the movements mesmerizing in their passion, and stupefying in their horror (I’ll never apologize for being queer and dramatic; it’s simply my nature). Why does this happen? What wrath have I incurred to make my every waking thought a jumble of anxiety and stress? It might be due to my childhood; the emotional unavailability of my parents whose early experiences outpace mine on required therapy hours. It may be genetic, as more and more studies seem to demonstrate a biological correlation. Or it could just be my everlasting luck, which always seems to run out right when I need it most. Despite what most of society would have you believe, I’m not convinced that understanding the origin will change the outcome. I spent many years in therapy learning the roots of why I am the way I am; why I function as I do. I have been through a few different therapists - all great in their own right until I would get to the dreaded question following a few weeks of counseling: “I understand that A is from B and B is from C; I understand the tools I can use when experiencing these feelings; I understand that healing is not linear and things take time. What I do not understand is how to fundamentally change my thinking so I will not be this way anymore. How do I stop it?” Each and every time, I was met with more suggestions on how to cope, ways to distract myself, and things to placate my “abnormality.” All of this is not to say therapy is bad or cannot help someone in my position, but it is to say that maybe my expectations needed adjusting. OCD and Autism are not akin to disease of the body (in the traditional sense). They are not something to be cured and forgotten. They are parts of me whether I choose to accept it or not. They are the way my brain views the world, processes information, and understands my experiences. Maybe they are neither good nor bad, black nor white, but just there. Maybe I just need to learn to live with that. Midnight-fueled internet rabbit holes and articles written by similarly diagnosed peers are the only railings in sight keeping me from tumbling over the edge, and I will be forever grateful for the community we find in the loneliness.

I have just started seeing an ocd therapist (not through this app, through the nhs) and I just came back from my third session with her, she really pushed me into a very fragile and bad place and then just made it much worse with some of the worst “advice” you can give someone with these kind of ocd themes I was becoming very triggered because she had pushed me too much and she was putting wayyy too much emphasis on “not actually having done anything bad” she was making me feel like if I had done something bad she would have condemned me which is obviously a terrible way to make someone with ocd feel especially as a therapist It was also pretty obvious that she has ocd herself and it was getting triggered, which is insane, if she’s this fragile and underdeveloped in her own recovery she should NOT be giving therapy to other people with ocd Anyway I am finding it very difficult to stay afloat after this terrible session so if anyone has had similar experiences please share x

Crazy how 4 months ago I didn’t remember any of the memories I worry ab now (esp the one I posted ab a couple of days ago) and now it’s all I can think about. I feel like i’m just in some serious denial, there’s too much proof. That memory just makes it even worse. Ik it’s been gone for years but i just want my attraction/libido back. Like FULLY back. Prior to SOOCD I would literally foam at the mouth looking at boy bands Ik that has to mean something 😭. I found my boyfriend attractive before the numbness and ocd took over again. I’m just so tired. I hope the meds make things easier for me. I’m so worried that I’ll have to breakup with my bf if this continues. I was looking forward to this relationship but now I feel like a liar, esp bc of how ocd messed with me in the beginning of it. It makes me feel like I never truly liked him. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves someone completely sure about who they are and their feelings/attraction for him. If it ends up getting to a point where I can’t get better, and I feel like I need to breakup with him, I’m afraid he won’t even want to be my friend afterwards. I really do cherish the friendship we have/had. He’s literally the only person who stuck by me. He would remember my birthday and bring me gifts even when we would rarely talk bc of school (mostly depression for me I’m bad at texting ppl). He would go out of his way to call me EVEN when I was mean to him for a while (not an excuse but I was v depressed and wanted to be left alone). Everything just haunts me now. What happened in that memory wasn’t normal for a straight girl😭but i know for a fact I never was attracted to my friend. She was my best friend at the time, and I knew her since elementary school, but I never felt those crush feelings for her. Like being with her in a romantic way or doing ANYTHING with her had never crossed my mind, even AFTER that whole tingly groinal response incident. I just remember being confused, uncomfortable, and scared because I literally felt nothing for her in that way. I don’t know if it was bc I was uncomfortable, focusing on the fact that she was sitting on my groin, had an image pop up in my head (cant rmbr exactly), felt pressure on my groin, if it was my undiagnosed OCD mind at work (i did had some weird random groinal responses w other things), or that I thought the position was sexual and was just stiff and weirded out, but I just want it to leave me alone 😭. When SOOCD was giving me a break I literally felt almost cured, I just needed my attraction and libido back. My boyfriend started waking it up again. But even then I was still numb and my compulsions/ocd was still clawing for control, making me feel nothing sometimes. Now that my attraction is numbed/dulled towards my bf I just feel frustrated. There’s times like today where I can feel it for like a couple seconds n my mind ks back in numb mode. He sent me pictures and I felt a dull “oh he’s cute” but it lasted for a minute bc I felt so aware (if that makes sense). Then I started to get thoughts about “forcing” those feelings. I just don’t know anymore. All ik is that my prozac BETTER work so I can have an easier time following through on my erp. I need a break…6 years and this shit is still not over.