Dear Givenup,
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through so much. My heart genuinely hurt as I read your message, and the story of a great Saint Moses the Strong came to my mind as I read your words. I’d like to tell you a little bit about his life story as I believe there are some similarities and it parallels yours. Saint Moses, the strong was originally from Ethiopia, but he lived most of his life in Egypt. He was a real person and early on in his life he joined a gang in Egypt and eventually he became the leader of the gang. He was their leader for many many years, and you can imagine what he did as their leader. All horrible and terrible stuff right?then he started to think about God and who God was. He had an interest to find out who God was. This leader of a gang had a desire to know God. He left his gang and went to a monastery in Egypt. Again, true story. In Egypt, there are many monasteries for the monks to live aside each other, and to serve God. When he arrived at the monastery, he talked with the monks, but the monks didn’t really know what to think of this man wanting to live with them. But Saint Moses, the strong really had a desire to live with the monks and the monks didn’t protest too much so he stayed with them. One night, three thieves entered Saint Moses, the strrong’s very small room. Again, he was living like a monk now so you can imagine his dwelling was a small room - very basic/the way a monk would live. When Saint Moses, the strong saw the criminals, he tied them up, the three thieves. Saint Moses, the strong, like his name suggests, was known for his strength, so three men were no match for him. Moses was tall but had a lot of strength in him. So he tied the three men, and brought them to the monks in the monastery and Moses asked the monks “these men broke into my room and we’re trying to steal from me. What should I do with them?” He wanted the monks to decide the criminals’ fate. The monks looked at each other and their response to him was: “well, you should let them go.” I should also clarify that the three criminals that tried to steal from Saint Moses, the black, we’re part of his old gang. They were still active members of his gang. Now Saint Moses, the black had left them, but three were still active in the gang. So when the three criminals saw that the prior head of their gang Saint Moses the black had converted and became a monk, and when they also saw how much mercy the monks showed them by letting them go, the three criminals were touched by their compassion and kindness the monks showed them, and the three criminals became monks as well.
Saint Moses, the black worked very hard at becoming a better person. In the beginning, like I said, the monks didn’t know what to think of him, and I’m sure some of them were reluctant to even have him stay with them. But that didn’t stop Saint Moses, the black. He worked very hard to become a very good monk in the monastery .. Eventually because of his strong commitment to now do better, to do what’s right and to live with the monks, he started to build good relations with the monks, and to pray to God and serve Him, and he became through more years the head monk in the monastery. in monasteries, you have the monks, but you always have a head monk. The other monks through time began to really love Saint Moses, the black and he became the head monk in the monastery.
Really —imagine this man’s life--he was the leader of a gang at one point in his young life, and because he searched for God — He wanted to know God, he then became the leader of a monastery. All this, from one bad extreme to another amazingly good extreme, all in one person‘s life—all with the help of God. Believe me, God‘s in the business of doing great and wondrous things and what seems impossible for man is quite possible very possible for God. God changed Saint Moses, the strong’s life. He changed the lives of the three criminals that were also part of Saint Moses‘s gang. And when the gang back home found out that so many of their members became monks, they became monks. The rest of the gang. Again, this is not made up, that’s a true story and well known in the Egyptian Christian community. Saint Moses the black is a great saint in our church.
So to continue on — The leader of a gang now became the leader of a monastery. That’s truly amazing when you think about it. From total bad to total good. Again, this is a true story. This is a man who truly lived on earth and had all of this happen in his Life, by the power, grace, and love of God.
During Moses life as a monk, and because he had had a very, very bad past, there were times where Saint Moses, the strong struggled. He himself knew he had done a lot of bad things. He himself knew he had ruined many lives, as the leader of a gang. And there were times he could not forgive himself. He struggled very very much to forgive himself, but at the same time he dedicated his life to serving God and being the best monk in the monastery, serving other monks the best way he knew how. Now in the Christian faith, in my faith in particular, we do go to confession and speak to a priest when we confess our sins before God. Similar to how the Catholics do it, a priest is present while you confess. But when you live in a monastery among monks, it’s usually one monk confesses to another monk. It’s a chance to confess our sin before God and to be forgiven for all of them. Now, in an Egyptian monastery, what they typically do is one monk confesses to another, so the other acts kind of like a priest to him because they live as monks in the desert together. Saint Moses, the strong decided to sit with another monk and confess his many many sins before God in front of this monk. Listen closely to this part because it’s super important. Again, Saint Moses the black was deeply troubled over all that he had done in the past and he was truly repentant, but he had trouble forgiving himself, and he struggled with that quite a bit. It was super hard for him. He had certainly changed a lot of of his life for the better with his actions in the monastery and being a good monk. But his past haunted him, and now he was confessing before the Lord in the presence of another monk. So he started to confess all of his sins, one by one he confessed them, and you can imagine how many sins this man must have confessed, and the grave/type of sins he must have confessed — again as the former leader of a gang. Probably murders, probably rapes, probably much thievery and trickery. I can only imagine they were many many victims and his criminal actions probably affected hundreds, if not thousands of lives. But Moses continued to confess his sins before God in the presence of this monk. As he was confessing each sin, one by one, an angel appeared with a whiteboard behind him and an erasure in his hand. And each time Saint Moses would confess something bad or terrible that he had done, he could see the angel behind him erase that item off the whiteboard. He confessed one sin, and saw the angel behind him erased. He confessed another sin, and the angel did the same with that sin as well. The angel erased it off the whiteboard. One by one he confessed his sins, and the list that was very long, each item the angel would erase. Again, this is not fictitious, this is a true account of what Saint Moses saw during his confession, because this part about him confessing and an angel appearing became well known in the Egyptian Christian community as an actual occurrence Saint Moses experienced.
Saint Moses started to feel lighter and lighter, and he dedicated his full life to serving God and the other monks. He wanted to find God, he was interested, and he sought the Lord Jesus, and he found Him. I want you to know you can have a full and beautiful life in Christ who loves loves loves loves, loves you. You are not alone, and people far worse than what you have done have been forgiven by the Good and Precious Lord Jesus Christ. Again the Good Lord loves loves loves you so so much beyond what I can write in a message and He loves you more than your own parents. I’ve been a follower of Christ all my life but at the age of 40 I picked up the NEW Testament Bible and began reading about the Lord Jesus Christ, learning about what He taught when He was on earth teaching thousands people and I learned about the many many amazing miracles that He did. Did you know that the Good Lord Jesus gave sight to a 40-year old man who had been born blind? Did you know that the Good Lord Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead. Yes, His friend Lazarus had died and been buried in a tomb for four days, then Jesus came to visit Lazarus family. The sister of Lazarus said to Jesus “Lord had you been here, my brother would not have died” Jesus went to visit Lazarus at his tomb after they had laid him to rest. In the olden days, people would bury their loved ones in caves, then put a heavy stone over the entrance of the cave, so no one would disturb the site, and that would be the burial sight. So Jesus went to go visit Lazarus AFTER Lazarus had died.
When Jesus stood in front of the cave, he told those around him “Take away the stone”. Jesus asked them to remove the stone that was at the entrance of the Lazarus tomb! People protested, they said to Jesus “But Lord! Lazarus has been dead for four days, his body must already be decaying!” But Jesus was not deterred. He wanted to perform a great miracle so that many would be live in Him. Jesus said again to the people “Take away the stone.” He was determined to help his friend Lazarus who had died and to perform one of the biggest miracles you read about in the New Testament. So Jesus stood in front of the cave, they removed the stone, and it says in the New Testament, that Jesus first thanked the Father in Heaven, and he also said in part “that those around me may believe…“. He said this because there were many people also at the burial site around Jesus. After Jesus prayed, he stretched out his arms and said in a loud voice “LAZARUS COME FORTH!“ And the man who had been buried in the tomb for four days, whose family and friends had been morning him for four days, that man walked out of the tomb for all to see. The crowd around him, and there were many, were truly amazed by this great miracle and they went out throughout the city and spoke of this great miracle that Jesus had done. This is one of many miracle that the Lord Jesus performed. This one happened about a week before His crucifixion. But I wanna let you know He is the most powerful, most beautiful, most loving God. If you want to know more about my beautiful God — who I call, wonderfully awesome and awesomely wonderful, because I’ve seen many great and wonderful things in my life because of Him. If you want to know more about Him, it is my recommendation and my deepest desire for you that you start reading the NEW Testament Bible, you can pick up the new living translation version, it’s a bit easier to read, and read the first four books. The first four books are the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Christians call them the four gospels, and they are all about the Lord Jesus Christ. The many teachings Jesus taught to the people when He was on earth teaching to the thousands, and you will also read about the many, many miracles Jesus performed. In fact, in the book of John, the last gospel, there is a verse that says something like —Jesus performed so many miracles that if we were to write them all in books, the Earth could not contain the number of books we would write. But the point being is Jesus performed many miracles, and He is my good and loving Lord and Savior. He’s amazing and you’ll see it for yourself in your life. I have known the Lord all my life, but my relationship skyrocketed with Him when I began to read the Bible and read the words that Jesus said and taught to the many, and read about his many miracles. I’ve had a relationship with God all my life, but I’ve read the Bible front to back in the last nine years, and when you seek the Lord, when you seek the Lord Jesus, and read the Bible, you will see a living God coming to you and making Himself known to you. That’s what Jesus did for me. I began reading at the age of 40, and the God I thought was sleeping, I hadn't felt Him so close to me —-all of a sudden, I saw living God coming to me and working in the most amazing ways in my life. But the truth is, we have to seek the Lord Jesus and my strong recommendation is for you to read the New Testament Bible to learn more and more about him. Jesus is easy to love. He’s all good and no bad. And Jesus himself says every sin can be forgiven. He has unfailing love for you that you will see and experience if you seek Him. He is the most merciful and most compassionate God, who is ready to have the most wonderful relationship with you.
My recommendation--seek the Lord Jesus as Saint Moses did, and read the New Testament Bible (new living translation version) for 30 days and see for yourself. You will see a living God coming to you and working in your life. No doubt and I’m not kidding — what He did for me He will do for you. Be strong and determined like Moses was, and God will help you the rest of the way. For with God, nothing is impossible. Believe me. I have seen much in my life. I wish you the best and will be praying for you.
