I have a constant compulsion in the back of my mind always running an analysis of basically whether my perception of everything is broken or not. I had some real life experiences in a high control group trying to convince me out of my own worldview and sense of self for an extended period which definitely is where this theme developed. But I mean like I have a thought about anything (ie wanting to text a friend) and it becomes like when did I text him last, would he be busy rn, what would he think of how much Iām struggling rn, do I text too much, do I text not enough and heās moved on, etc. I start trying to draft a text if itās funny it feels too casual and dumb and not worth sharing even if heād enjoy it, if itās serious or like something in the news it feels like Iām some no fun anxious nerd overthinking again, then it becomes like testing my actions against random disorders (schizophrenia, BPD, bipolar, narcissism, etc), then it becomes considering all of my biases in relevant topics (even down to like if I believe in free will or not) as a way to be sure Iām not deluding myself, like if I take on a completely disagreeable worldview for a second would I do something different and if so how do I PROVE that itās disagreeable. Then it becomes testing the morality of whatever action I ended up taking or not taking by thinking of like every possible effect it could have. Iāll then have new symptoms as a result of spiraling 24/7, like extreme exhaustion brain fog not being able to focus on my studies bc of spiraling, so then I analyze for hours if there could be a cause other than ocd. However in this constant self analysis Iāve caught myself doing something idk whether is just a strange side effect of my ocd or revealing something underlying. I find that, my whole life, but definitely magnified when spiraling like this I people please a ton bc Iām always scared that Iām either incorrect, immoral, missing something, misinterpreting something, having different or less common desires etc. idk whether thatās fully explainable as some type of reassurance like compulsion, it may be since I feel relief when I see that the other person seems to not see me as insane, deeply immoral etc, also bc if they donāt confront me on a disagreement or something they donāt like that Iām doing I donāt have to spiral about whether Iām in the wrong or whether theyāre overstepping and whether I should be annoyed or apologetic and what my actual feelings say about me and etc, I donāt have to face āproofā of my obsessive fears. But I also see so much overlap between this and autistic masking, with an additional layer. Maybe my ocd decided that protecting that mask was what was most important to me. It also makes me wonder bc a lot of my scariest thoughts is while Iām thinking what does this say about me in the background Iām also thinking (and how will that effect my friendships and how the people I love perceive me if I am that bad thing). Like I have a strong sense of who I am when not spiraling but Iām not confident enough in it to stand on it if thereās even the slightest chance itāll be misinterpreted or properly interpreted and disapproved of by someone I value, or even just someone I see a lot because wha if they convince other people theyāre right how will the rest of the room see it. Another could be ocd could be autism thing is I struggle a lot when Iām struggling with how much to share. All Iām thinking about is the intrusive thoughts, so idk how to catch up with people in a socially acceptable way, like āwhat you been up to?ā āUhhh scanning my every thought for 12 hours a day, pretty sure Iām not scizophreic but hereās a dissertation on my morality from the POV of 6 different moral philosophies idk whoās right. And I know you were encouraging me to try in school but I am indeed 2 months behind again.ā If I donāt admit those things I feel like a liar, and itās not even some big moral thing as much as a fear of losing closeness and comfort and sincerity with the people who know everything about me. But if I do Iām just seeking assurance usually, I rarely take actions to better it bc Iām stuck in that spiral and I feel guilty for never just being able to hang out normally and obsess over how they perceive my rambling.
Is this masking plus ocd? Or just ocd?
I know this will likely come off as asking for reassurance, and tbh maybe it is who knows. But I donāt believe it is because Iām honestly not that scared of being autistic, when my ocd has said maybe Iām (any of the disorders listed above) itās felt highly irrational even if compelling in the moment. This one has been in the back of my mind, not causing panic, for months. Tbh it only becomes an intrusive thought, when the thought becomes āis this just another intrusive thoughtā. Iām just hoping someone who has both or has worked with people who have both could help give me a little direction, I do NOT have the money to get tested right away without at least knowing the opinions of someone who knows more than me. More than happy to answer any questions, sorry for the long read.
