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Could really use help and all my posts are getting hidden and I don't know why, even though there's nothing bad I don't think so I think I'm just going to leave this post here to talk about it instead of repeatedly making the same posts

I’ve recently hit a very big milestone with my boyfriend. The problem is my fear happened again, I didn’t enjoy it, and couldn’t feel anything because I’m always subconsciously monitoring everything I feel/don’t feel. TMI but It’s really REALLY hard for me to get turned on and the last time I was FULLY in the mood was a couple years ago when I met up with my ex. But after that It’s never happened again. Extra TMI but I can’t even get aroused to things I used to be aroused by before this theme bc I feel like I’m watching for my reaction. But when it’s things I don’t want to feel any arousal towards I get aroused. Moving on, when I first noticed I had a crush on my current boyfriend 4 months ago, my mind was clear and I wasn’t really checking as much. But, when I noticed my feelings and attraction for him my body went into a “scanning” mode and I felt myself going numb. I would start to check if I found him attractive every time I saw him, if I still felt the same way the day I realized I thought he was cute, or if I was still excited about calling him. There’s times where him and I kiss and I’m fully present and enjoy it. But when I notice I start to focus on it again and I start to feel nothing. The best way I can describe it is there is a mini me in the back of my head watching everything I feel. Everything I think, feel, and dont feel is always being “watched” and I don’t know how to stop it. I miss being fully present when I’m with him because I finally felt the things that have been “shut off” ever since this theme started when I was 15. The more I subconsciously monitor the less I feel for him and I hate it.Im trying really hard not to ruminate on my lack of strong feelings, attraction, and libido when I come back from dates with him now. It really sucks because in the beginning of the relationship I was so happy about finally feeling attraction and emotions again. This is so annoying and I really hope someone can relate 😭. I need tips please.

I've been really struggling with this terrible false memory or real event and I don't know what's real anymore, I keep having this fear that the only reason I think it's false is because I want it to be and I just want it to stop, I don't understand why this one is sticking around and the others aren't/didn't. I thought I could trust this artist because they were followed by another artist that a lot of people who I think are normal and share my morals follow so I projected my morals onto that artist and who they follow, I saw art sexualising a character who I assumed was of age and despite them not having an official age they don't look old enough to be sexualised when I googled it later, I don't think they looked the same in the art I saw but I saw something else they posted and they looked too young to sexualise also but I don't know if it's hindsight or not (This part definitely happened, when I reported them I saw it) but I just have a vague thing of the art of the character that I don't think ever showed their face or didn't look the same because if I thought they looked too young I obviously wouldn't have let it be but the image keeps changing in my head and I'm worried I saw more art sexualising this character (which was maybe true when I was reporting them or smth idk)

POCD TW I already have a therapist bad/morally wrong thoughts feels good and like i agree with them and LIKED THEM during ejaculaiton WHILE i watched adult content and then idk if i came to the thought or the adult. Afterwards I get sad and just want to sleep… this happens so many times and nobody has given me an answer to this they just say that this is concerning… im tired of this rn This happened so many times when i ejaculated I hate that people keep saying that I need to get real help which I already am getting and that I am “entitled” to these thoughts. I’m already tired enough of my life now I have to deal with this and I can’t even m@sturbate in peace now. I’m done with all of this. My life was crap enough before this now it’s worse

18+ please (Mentions of 🌽) I've been having a really annoying pattern of seeing something that triggers my checking compulsion, usually an attractive woman my brain instantly objectifies and sexualises them and I'll usually say something (in my head) like "They're so pretty" to try and stop the objectification sometimes multiple times then I'll go on twitter or instagram (Maybe to do the checking compulsion without realising idk) then I'll see something that triggers my POCD that makes me not want to do the checking compulsion but at the same time reinforces the stress I feel which makes me want to do it to relieve stress (My checking compulsion is sometimes to porn and sometimes I'll destress if you know what I mean) and it's like this balancing act that's really irritating, I'm resisting it now but am not always so good at doing it and it makes me feel bad for giving into the compulsion. Most recently I was just watching a streamer who is an attractive woman (Objectively speaking, I'm fairly certain I'm asexual) and my brain did it's usual routine, then I went on twitter and saw more attractive women but also a Spider-Man comic cover with a character that is supposed to be 16 (and 3 other characters) in a weird situation that I think was trying to imply something sexual? (It was just the characters standing around but that seemed to be what other people where thinking as well). People where rightfully talking about how weird this was and someone posted another panel of the character and they were wearing their costume which is like a skintight black suit and you could see the outline of their butt and it triggered me because I got worried I would sexualise it (Which I think I did by being afraid of that happening) and I double checked to make sure it wasn't sexualising her because that's one of my big fears, I don't think it was but it was certainly a bit weird anyway, I clicked off the post and moved on and saw more attractive women that was again reinforcing the checking compulsion and then a drawing of Batman and Robin and Robin is wearing those really weird shorts and my eyeline went there accidentally and again I think I sexualised it and I just wish my brain wasn't like this (I think I also noticed the artist drew a bulge which weirded me out but I could be wrong)

TW: intimacy stuff So, I'm on some support discord servers and on one there's one person who's been very helpful and seems mature and good with helping. Today we talked about some of my issues and ended up talking about my intimacy and sexual issues because I was having relationship related scares. I told them how I'm super uncomfortable with porn because I don't like watching people and I've never been intimate and don't do too much exploration because that's just not something I enjoy. For me intimacy is all emotion based so just doing it to do it feels wrong, even when I stuff for myself at the end I just feel sad and disgusted. Basically he tried to help and give advice and told me to try watching different type of porn. I tried to explain I don't like looking at people but he insisted I should at least try. I said OK and left. This really triggered because it made me feel like I was indeed weird for not liking such things or not being wired like everyone else. Now all I can think does me not wanting to watch sex stuff and please myself or sleep with people make me weird? I'm now super upset and spiraling even tho they did genuinely tried to help me. I just feel pathetic and like a weirdo :< (Context I'm demisexual so I'm only interested in intimacy with someone I have an emotional connection, once I like someone I usually get so said more interested in intimacy but when I'm on my own I don't see much joy in it)

Whenever I see cute social media posts about relationships and romance, I feel like I shut off emotionally and go numb immediately. I start thinking "Why don't I want that" or "Why don't I feel that way" when I actually do feel that way at times. It's so upsetting and makes me think I need to break up with my boyfriend :( The "maybe, maybe not" strategy is really difficult for me because I'm too hyperaware of the circumstances of my feelings. Is there something I can do to ease into accepting my doubts and thoughts?

Guys I need help issues I've been going through and I honestly need help because if I was masturbating earlier today and it's felt like I purposely thought of my father why it's just I don't know why I just did and I feel so weirded out by it it's just like my thought just starting you know I don't know how to explain it it was just that was doing it and then my brain just focused on that instead my for some reason like it felt like I chose to think it's I am sorry if I'm not explaining it well but I feel like a weirdo and I don't want to be near my family anymore like I've been going through a lot and this is just horrible it's just like I chose to thank the thought and it felt like I wanted it and I feel so weird at all if someone had the same issue please let me know I just want to know I'm not alone in this it's not even that I also had sexuality issues because recently I've been down a spiral of looking at transgender and feminine men content and it's just like confusing for me I think it's just because my brain makes association of men that just made me think of my dad because I'm 18 and young and I'm on explorer myself so after I do it to be so types I honestly just feel shame and regret I don't think I am gay at least not that I know because afterwards I don't really like it but I just feel shame when I do it but also I feel so horrible because it felt like I thotght it on purpose like it's just I don't know how to explain it I just thought it and now I'm afraid

I want to know whats the worst thoughts / content you ever got and how you got through it , and what about your relationship? Because I’m currently having thoughts that go like “imagine xyz act “ (sexual ocd) and it can throw in things like my bf friends names or even continue the statement like that and it bothers me so much . I feel like I’m going numb yet at the same time I feel really sad and depressed about it

Tw: intimacy I’ve had bad ROCD, especially around intimacy and sex. It was actually manageable for a little while but now it’s gotten bad again. Sometimes when I’m half-asleep or not paying attention I get subconscious thoughts or little flashes of wanting/imagining intimacy. The second I snap back to reality I feel instantly disgusted and sick to my stomach. There’s kind of an opportunity to date someone right now but the whole idea terrifies me. I have literally zero experience (and I’m not that young), so people are always surprised and it makes me feel weird and alienated, like I can’t just be “normal” about it. On top of that my retroactive jealousy is awful. I can’t get over the other person’s history or body count, especially if anything was casual, because it goes against everything I actually want. Logically I don’t even care that much about sex or pleasure, but my brain is completely latched onto it. I can’t feel comfortable being touched by someone who’s touched other people that way. I hate the idea of being someone they just settle with. I hate the idea of them teaching me anything because all I can think about is how they learned it with someone else. Yet I want love so, so badly. I just want to feel safe and comfortable with someone while my mind is finally quiet instead of screaming “they’ve slept with other people, you’re not special, they won’t find it as special with you because you’re not the first.” It’s so frustrating and exhausting. I want a perfect relationship while knowing no one is perfect and has a past. :< Anyone else stuck in this exact mess? I could really use some hope. I know I keep posting this but I'm just feeling hopeless and scared. I know it'll get better but right now it's very bad.

I recently found out that I have OCD and it was honestly an enormous relief. I spent nearly ten years having been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression, receiving incorrect treatments and trying to apply coping mechanisms that were actually making things worse for me. You may think that this would make me angry to think I could have been on the path to recovery sooner and wasn’t, but I’m honestly just thankful to finally know. When I read NOCD’s list of subtypes, my jaw was on the FLOOR because it felt like half of the article was written about me. The only time in the last decade I felt I found something effective was an audiobook I found on my own about intrusive thoughts which used a technique very similar to ERP. Go figure. Anyway, I had a couple of questions that may be cathartic or help others be reflective. First, who else was misdiagnosed? How long? What was your treatment experience like and what was your reaction when you learned the truth? Share as much or as little as would be helpful to you. Second, were there ancient signs you suddenly started remembering that now make way more sense? For me, it was sensorimotor and existential OCD. In high school, I had an extended phase where I couldn’t stop paying attention to how much I blinked and also had a phase where I could not stop questioning reality and your classic existential questions. I also had a period in college when my eye floaters drove me absolutely nuts every day. Anyway, hope you’ve come across this feeling well and I’d be happy to hear from you.

I've been spiraling again, feeling like I lost all my progress from one lil step back. -Why does my mind cling to intimacy so much? -Why does my OCD have such an issue with it? -Why can’t I accept it? -Why does someone having a past make me feel less special? Logically I don’t even care that much about sex itself. What I want is love and safety. I get that people’s past is part of what shaped them, that they fell in and out of feelings and wanted closeness before me. -So why does my OCD care so, so much? -Why does it frustrate me this intensely? -Why do I keep fixating on the past and what they’ve done instead of focusing on the present and the person I love right now? -Why can’t my brain accept that I can be deeply loved and still not be the only person someone has ever touched? It feels irrational and exhausting, and I just needed to get the questions out exactly as they are in my head. Anyone else stuck in this exact loop?

18+ please I've been following the genocide in Gaza for the past 3-ish years now and thought it was important to see the horrific things that my government and governments across the world fund and approve of. I've seen a lot of disturbing things, including dead bodies, because again I thought it was important to be aware of the crimes committed by my government, I never went out of my way to view these things of course, I just followed accounts that would post about Israel's crimes but I unfollowed them because they were triggering me a lot more recently, I feel awful for this but I couldn't stop panicking and having basically every OCD symptom everytime I saw something disturbing and some of the images were of malnourished kids in nothing but diapers that made me incredibly uncomfortable. I realise this is in an effort to document Israel's crimes against humanity but I really really hated seeing these images and the intrusive thoughts and groinal responses they caused and I was reminded of this when someone retweeted a fundraiser onto my feed and the person posted an image that made me incredibly uncomfortable of presumably their malnourished kid just wearing a diaper so I didn't retweet it but then that made me feel just as bad for ignoring a family in need so I went back to the post and didn't look at the image but retweeted it but now again, I'm panicking and don't know what to do, I want to help these people but I feel disgusting for retweeting the image even though I think it's my OCD that's making it weird but I just want it to stop

Hey everyone I’m looking for advice/ support from anyone else who may be going through or experienced something similar. This may be a long post so thank you to whoever actually reads it all x So recently (a few months ago) I started looking into OCD as I learnt what it really was, and a lot of it resonated with me. An example is when I was younger I struggled a lot with obsessing over god and became extremely religious at the age of 7 leading to extreme praying every night and feeling this immense weight of being a good person and I needed to pray to make sure I was. I don’t struggle with this anymore but as I have looked more into OCD there is so many things I experience that I have thought are normal or just my anxiety or ADHD. I regularly cancel out my horrific intrusive thoughts with ‘good’ thoughts to make sure I’m not a terrible person and I want to do or think those things. I have an extreme obsession with being a good and morally right person, so much so that I have had to quit my job (I am still in school) as I was so terrified that if I went I would say or do something and people would view me as a bad person. The same thing happened at school, I barely ever went and if I did it was usually after a panic attack. This was also caused by feeling like if I went something bad would happen to my family at home and I would be responsible because I wasn’t there. Every night I have to ruminate and step through every thing I may have said or done that could make me a bad person and it usually ends it lots of ‘what ifs’ or ‘maybe i did something terrible and i just forgot’. I have tried opening up to my mum (i am only 16) and i had a therapist who specialised in OCD for a few sessions but it was online and i hated it. It is so clear to me that my mum doesn’t think I have it. Every behaviour that i say could be OCD she always says it could just be ADHD which just sends me into a further spiral of ‘i am a bad person because im lying and i dont really have OCD’ so now I can’t talk to anyone about it over this constant thought that i am lying. Even when I was 7 at a psychologist they said I had OCD tendencies but she brushed it off as my anxiety. She tells me she doesn’t know enough about it to understand why I think I have it but she’s not doing anything to learn more. I have sent her numerous articles and things I resonate with but she never reads them. Even with the OCD therapist we did a assessment/ form thing where I filled out how much I related to the OCD symptoms and my mum did one how much she thought I related to them. I scored super high on it for OCD symptoms and she literally said she didn’t think I related to more than one or two. That led me to learn about pure O ocd as a lot of my compulsions are in my head or not seen. Some examples are repeating certain numbers or phrases to cancel out intrusive thoughts in my head, avoidance of events where I could do something wrong or bad, struggling making even the smallest decisions over fear it wont be the ‘right’ one, constant worry over if im not ‘perfect’ (perfect grades, morals, behaviours)that im not adhering to the invisible moral code that determines if im good, frantically googling for hours what my intrusive thoughts mean and if they are thoughts a bad person has, signs I am a bad person, am I a psychopath etc. Another thing that has been happening recently thats more visible is i absolutely HAVE to speak out if one of my family members says something that I see as mean or morally incorrect and its like this guilty by association thing and it makes me spiral as I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that they are good people too (i know it sounds crazy). It has led to a big argument with my mum where she yelled at me for being too “self-righteous” and thinking im “better than everyone because i have morals and that everyone else who is worse than me” and that she is sick of my lectures about her being “too mean” or a “bad person”. Honestly i didnt even know how to react to that. I felt so guilty because I know I do that I know I know but I know the guilt will consume me either way. It is honestly consuming me and I just wish for a day where I’m not policing every thought and behaviour of mine. Sorry for that very long rant but hoping that someone can give their thoughts if they have gone through the same thing or have any advice for what to do ❤️❤️❤️

So I feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster. I've been talking once again to the guy and today we discussed more serious things. He said he's overwhelmed and afraid of things because of his ptsd and it made me panic. We talked about intimacy because it's scary for both of us and we'll I thought he only been with 3 people max but he said he’s been with 6 people (all 3 years ago, all while very drunk, all experiences he hates and that left him with PTSD). My RJ brain heard “6” and exploded. I always knew I have a really hard line with “big” or “casual” pasts. I’ve always said I need someone with little-to-no experience because anything else makes me feel like I’m “late,” not special, just the “safe” choice after they’ve had everything they wanted. Even knowing his past was traumatic and unwanted, the number still feels unbearable. I cried for hours, felt disgusting, felt like I’m settling or being naive. He’s heartbroken that his past is hurting me. I’m heartbroken that I can’t just let it go. Logically I know: those 6 times gave him nothing he actually wanted he’s waited 3 years since the last one he’s literally telling me I’m his first person he feels happy around But my RJ keeps screaming “too many, too much, you’ll never be enough, you’ll always picture it, run before you get more attached.” I don’t want to lose him over a number. But right now the thought of intimacy with him makes me want to throw up because my brain won’t stop replaying that there were others. Has anyone with really strong “big past = dealbreaker” RJ ever managed to stay and work through it? How do you sit with the disgust and the images when the person is genuinely kind, regretful, and choosing you in a way they never chose anyone else? I feel like I’m fighting for my life against my own brain and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. Please send any tools, scripts, mantras, or hope you have. I’m drowning a little tonight. Thanks for reading. ♡

It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

I go to art school and am taking this one illustration class with a pretty famous illustrator. He's one of my favorite professors, I respect him a lot and want him to like me. We were sketching in class and I threw out a quick thumbnail sketch — really rough and not entirely thought through, just to get the idea out. The article was about telling the truth to kids in history classes, so I started thinking of the Washington cherry tree myth — I had a hand off screen handing a cherry to a child, and was going to have a dark, rotting cherry tree in the background. I just threw out the sketch in two seconds and moved onto the next; I wasn't thinking about it too much. My prof then came over and he made some comments about the other sketches I did. He then said about that sketch, "I don’t wanna be a creep but having a little girl and a cherry…” and then it clicked and now I feel so fucking terrible and I feel like he thinks im a pedo. I know I'm not, but I've just been spiraling and feeling so gross and terrible about myself. God ugh.

Yesterday, I tried to report something based on a memory I had of the person sexualising characters from Scooby Doo who I didn't realise where underage at the time I saw it, twitter didn't seem to accept the report despite multiple attempts and I never got confirmation from the IWF that the report went through so I waited until today to see if it was just delayed but again, nothing, so I tried to report them again but it still didn't work so I reported them through another catergory on twitter that requires examples, I didn't want to do this but I didn't want them to get away with it so I copy and pasted some of their posts but they were mostly things that I may have been being paranoid about until a really disgusting one, so I copy and pasted that one and reported them (And reported them to the IWF again just in case) but I didn't realise their depravity would go that far and my brain is convincing me I had a groinal response to it and what if I did? I know it's an OCD thing but I'm scared that if I have a groinal response to those disgusting things that's like the bar where it stops being that and becomes something real I've been freaking out about how sometimes after my reporting compulsion I want to feel normal and destress and so check my attraction to porn and sometimes it leads to a masturbation compulsion to relieve stress despite me not feeling any attraction and my OCD was trying to tell me it was immediately after and I was freaking out but then something kind of clicked and I realised that's not happened (Or at least I don't think so) and I can't tell if it was a false memory/warped memory or not or if I am just convincing myself of this now because I don't want it to be true, I don't know which is true but the "epiphany" fits more but again what if that's because I want it to EDIT: I don't only report things related to my theme I also reported a lot of people for objectifying celebrities. Also when I say after I don't mean immediately I just mean the same day but I don't remember how soon which scares me. I was checking people's following again and noticed a dogwhistle in someone's bio but was concerned I was just being paranoid so I clicked on their profile and their pinned post was their accounts on other sites and an image of some animal character that looked kinda young but it wasn't anything bad so I still wasn't sure so I scrolled down slightly more and saw that they reposted a disgusting drawing, I reported all the accounts and left but my OCD is trying to convince me that I wanted to see these things

Does anyone have a specific fear that feels too real? that it’s painful? I have been struggling with false memory OCD for almost 3 months, and this current thought that my brain has latched onto 4 days ago is the worst thought I have ever dealt with in my OCD. I am having constant breakdowns, it’s hard to sleep and find my appetite. I just keep feeling feelings throughout my body that make the thought feel like it does exist and that it is real. It’s worse especially if you deleted an old account that you can access anymore (which I did) and the thought has to do with “What if I sexted or flirted with someone and forgot?” Or “What if I sent or posted an explicit picture of myself on there and forgot?” I’m terrified. My body feels like it’s in panic mode and I keep getting scared that these feelings I have of guilt, anxiety, panic and worry means that it did happen. My OCD is trying so hard to convince me it did happen and I’m starting to believe it. I love my fiancé and the thought of this being true makes me feel like I’m the worst person ever. I wish I could just remember everything and say “No I would never do that, I know what happened and I’m not letting my brain tell me otherwise.” OCD is so convincing it feels like I can’t trust myself, and now I can’t even remember the memories about it at all because I thought about it so much. I hate thisss, I’m going to be trying to find a therapist soon.. but I’m starting to feel convinced it did happen and that I just blocked the memory out and that I’m just an awful person. The flashes and visuals I see of me committing the act make it so much worse, I’m genuinely terrified and i dont know what to do at this point. I know I’ve posted about this story a lot and I am doing my best to not ask for reassurance, but I know a lot of people deal with this theme, but I wanted to know if anyone has a theme like this that specifically deals with something along the lines of my story.