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Rant :3 I’ve been doing very very well for myself managing my ocd on my own with erp. I used to be very reactive and give into compulsions. With time, i’ve been resisting the urges to perform compulsions. The more they come up the easier the answers come to me about how I should go about reacting or confronting something I’m facing that isn’t performing compulsions. I’m more in tune with my values and I have more structure around being the healthy person I want to be. That being said ….. 😵‍💫 This week (specifically yesterday) I gave into my compulsions. My bf and I like to give each other silly “what would you do” scenarios. Some are silly and some require a little more thinking because the answer would reflect our values and beliefs. We started off our conversation on the phone being silly and joking. Then I was like hmmm what makes you jealous! And he gives me some examples but for some reason I register his answers as like…not “good enough”? He’s not the jealous type to begin with and I learn that it’s a healthy trait to have as it would make him confident in himself and our relationship. But I’m getting intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous or having a bigger reaction to some scenarios it means he doesn’t care about me or love me that much. I know better than to believe the thoughts but I’m searching for reassurance that he cares about me so I’m giving him more hypothetical scenarios. The more scenarios I gave him, he gave me answers that didn’t validate my intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous/having a bigger reaction= him not caring about me or loving me that much. I got more frustrated and I got snarky or like snappy towards him. To me, his answers that were healthy, not blown out, and not extremely reactive wasn’t enough. I felt like his method on going about the situations (in a healthy way mind you) wasn’t validating my (unhealthy) thoughts. I felt bad for being snappy at him. During our call I was being annoying and doubling down on statements that I didn’t even agree with just to make him upset or frustrated, for the sake of being an opposite to him, brushing it off by saying I’m only joking and pointing a finger back at him. I don’t know why I did that. Like why I decided to bully him/ why I wanted to hurt his feelings. I’m getting over a toxic habit I had where if someone hurt me or disrespected me I felt like I had to give it back or give it even worse. I would do this with my intrusive thoughts and apologize later because of this trait. Maybe it was that toxic behavior coming through. Mayhaps it was also a way to see if he’d still love me, give me reassurance and stay with me if I put him in a position where I’m not being nice or respecting him so it could show how much he’d want to be with me. I knew that the idea of being jealous or having extreme reactive behavior isn’t healthy but I still wanted reassurance regarding that concept anyway. Grrrr >:l. I also apologized and asked if he was okay before we went to bed. He’s fine and not upset with me but I just didn’t like how I was putting him in a corner with these scenarios and called his healthy answers boring because it wasn’t what my intrusive thoughts wanted to hear for validation😵‍💫 I don’t want to ruminate on why I bullied him but I also don’t want it to happen again. Like last week we hung out and in the middle of us chilling in his room I didn’t want to be around him and everything he did annoyed me. The feeling passed after a couple minutes but it was weird as it hasn’t happened before or at least to that degree. This feeling was like a repulse. It felt different than just me being overstimulated and wanting space. Weird. Anyway that’s my rant. Having a fine evening ^v^ hope you angels are too🤍🪽

Over the past couple of weeks, I focused heavily on myself, my reactions and my behaviors. Because I am always willing to grow and develop skills to be a better person... always. I have accepted that I am not perfect a very long time ago. I also know that even in my best efforts I can this make mistakes even as a person without OCD. I learned that my trigger is SAFETY. If something threatens my independent, my way of sustainability and my ability to provide this for myself it triggers a flight or fight. And I usually fight, younger it mostly chose flight. But I grew and developed a sense of You Must Stand Up For Yoyrself or Who Will. Loosing both parents early in age grew me into this. Every decision I made after that was to secure and protect and support me. Because loosing your parents early in age made me feel like there was not floor, no ground beneath my feet. And that was a very scary feeling going through life. Teaching myself mindfulness, hearing my parents voice telling me to do things that right. People I trusted and knew had my best interest in mind. Without them, I lost trust and have been trying so hard to learn how to trust people. Everytime I have tried many have disappointed. Not that all my expectations are extremely high or unreasonable but because I am a simple person with simple needs and wants. I find that when I loosen those simple ropes, boundaries and expectations of myself I faulted. I very well understand I cannot control what others do, say or think. But having a standard for myself is in my control. Some don't understand hiw I can continue to walk with my head high or praise my small wins. To others it's nothing to be grateful or thankful for. To me it is everything. I have also learned that unmasking is never safe, even in the realm of MH and asking for help we you need it. This not saying NOTHING WORKS inside this realm nor ALL are untrustworthy. But I realize that even if a disease or condition is studied and understood that many are not able to understand the struggle. They just cannot see the disturbance of it or how it complicates all that you do and your entire way through life. I'm sorry, a pill is not everything. Not the answer for me even though I take what is prescribed. Learning how to win for one minute, one hour or a day is the greatest accomplishment. That cannot be understood be any person who has not experienced it. They only see the behavior not you. They see the issue but not the person. And that is so sad to me. People with question you, record you and test you and never see the person, never. They are conditioned to the job or their role to perform. They are conditioned to a check list, a diagnosis and a label. They see that but not the person I have not seen hardly any that do. I had only 1 Professional, a doctor in my 20's who did. And she helped me understand my own struggle. Helped to thrive and be successful with it. Her advice and plan worked for all these years. Now that I have new doctors, new therapist, new medicines I have been falling through the cracks. No flooring or ground under my feet. And I feel like it's because me, THE PERSON, is not being seen ONLY the problem. The problem to them and not to me. Have a good day all and keep learning.

Any image that pops up into my head i automatically assume it’s posted online so i have to check every app to make sure. Or a simple action or word and my brain makes up an imagine like what if you actually did this or said this. I just sniffed or huffed to make a noticed that I was annoyed by my dog and now my brain created this image and now I think I said something.

Last night my boyfriend and I were intimate, like most times that I’ve ever been intimate I couldn’t stay in the moment, thoughts racing through my mind causing me to be in my head rather than in the moment. EVENTUALLY, I was able to really be present and enjoy our time together, but it was once again fleeting. Afterwards I broke down and was crying, I had realized that OCD has ruined my intimate life from the very start. Of course my boyfriend was concerned so I opened up about what I was feeling. Well he started to explain that everyone gets distracted during sex and that it’s normal, so then I started thinking. What if I don’t even have OCD? What if I’m completely normal and just think I have OCD, I don’t have “episodes” 24/7, but I have them quite often. But maybe that’s just how the mind works?? My boyfriend said “you can’t control your thoughts, no one can” So does that mean I don’t have OCD? I’m spiraling and trying to understand it all. While we were intimate I had a realization that sex isn’t about what you’re thinking it’s about what you’re feeling, but I can’t stop thinking to actually be able to feel. Once I’m “distracted” I can’t get back into the moment, the thoughts pile and evolve and cycle and it’s never ending. I just don’t know, I know OCD can make you question if you even have OCD but what if I don’t have OCD and am just trying to convince myself I have OCD? HELP

It’s a little long so bare with me I have always had a fear of elevators, which I found is more common than I thought. I had been alright and got it out of phobia territory until a very poor therapist got me in a situation that worsened it entirely when I was a kid. (Exposure therapy gone wrong) Since then I have worked my way back to a neutral status towards the machines. However, I have also found I experience a sort of ‘elevator vertigo’ I basically get dizzy if the elevator moves too fast, again, not super uncommon but apparently not everyone experiences this. But this uncomfortable feeling, despite it completely going away once the elevator stops, causes anxiety. Especially if I know I am going to have to travel via the elevator that gives me the ‘elevator vertigo’. This then causes more anxiety which causes the spiral of not being able to stop being anxious about it because I’m mentally counting down the minutes before I experience it again. And this, go figure, worsens the dizziness. I am usually pretty good about giving myself options when something like this causes this much distress. I’ve explained to myself there are stairs that I can take if it’s too much to take an elevator. However, it’s the fifth floor and without too much detail, I am not entirely physically equipped to be 5 flights of stairs on top of my usual commute. (Should mention I’m a college student right about now) So then I worry about overdoing it physically and hurting or distressing myself by not wanting to take an elevator. Which in turn causes a self hatred/diminishing my anxieties and feelings spiral. I’d usually pocket this up as much as possible but it’s woken me up at 4am when I went to sleep around midnight/1am and have to wake up for the class that causes me to use this elevator at 7. So question at hand: how the hell do I calm this cycle down? I know it’s near impossible to shut it off completely but I’m almost annoyed at myself for letting this little thing disrupt my sleep! I was literally dreaming about potential situations depending on my choice of elevator or stairs.

Hi my names Abby and i’m 16 years old. (I am undiagnosed) Everything that’s lead me and my therapist to potentially believe I have ocd has been the worst experience of my life so far. For my childhood and my teenage years up until I was 15, we’re really difficult. I was bullied a lot growing up and I had a lot of family dynamics that were really hard. (I have 2 siblings that were my half siblings, whom I have no relationship with anymore due to them being much older than me and them disliking my parents for many reasons) but I always felt super alone growing up. I was always told growing up to “stop” or to “shut up” from them and sometimes “stop” from my parents because I was very energetic and excited all the time. So I learned to stay quiet a lot. I was exposed to a lot of gore/pornographic material around age 7-8, which I realize now lead me to have sexual experiences at a young age with females the same gender as me when I was very young. I started masturbating when I was super young. I find that I have forgotten most of my childhood, but sometimes random memories come up in my mind and I remember, or I dream about them. I have very weird dreams that disturb me heavily. I am an INFP personality, and have always loved to help others and care. I love music/ art and guitar so heavily, and love writing poetry. My dream is to become a psychologist and help others whom struggle the same as me. I am very sensitive. I love reading. But recently the past 2 months I haven’t been writing or reading a lot, and when I do it feels inauthentic. The same with playing guitar. I don’t know what triggered this major change in my life, but it all started a few days after my boyfriend left on a trip with his family from the U.S (where we are) to travel across Europe for 3 weeks. He’s been back for about 2 months now but the whatever triggered is still the same. I’ve been dissociating heavily and my memory is terrible. Time passes by so quickly, and I don’t know why but I am now struggling every second of the day with these horrible harmful thoughts (mostly triggered by seeing weapons or example: say my eye is hurting really bad I imagine my eye popping out of my head) these horrible images, whether this be hurting my family or other people. When I first started having these thoughts I panicked and cried and had major panic attacks for weeks, but i’ve been dealing with them for so long now I become really numb and try to avoid going to places that have items of harm. I feel like i’ve lost my identity completely, and I don’t know who I am anymore, I just want to go back to who I was. I really need help. I’ve been worrying i’m a psychopath and that what if I actually desire to do those bad things? Even though I know i’d never ever do them. Please help me.

PLEASE an OCD conqueror or someone who knows how to deal with this shit, I need actual fucking useful tools PLEASE. I’m going to contact a therapist tomorrow but I want to try and deal with this now. If you go back and read my posts (there’s a good amount), you’ll know I have a new bf and I was doing pretty good, minus the rumination. But I guess this relationship was a huge fucking trigger/exposure and my untreated soocd and roocd woke up and decided to try and make me go crazy again. I was getting a hold on the rumination (i think im doing rlly good with that) but when my anxiety triggered my groinal response, my brain immediately started checking. Checking for attraction to woman (soocd…this one fucking sucks it’s so fucking annoying), men (my ocd made me so numb i havent found anyone attractive other than my man), my arousal (libido is basically non existent), my feelings for my bf, if im feeling the “right” feelings, if im anxious, etc. I think I do a good job managing it sometimes (definitely not the best 😀) but FUCK the checking for attraction is so fucking annoying and it’s really ruining my progress. When I’m on social media and I see a pretty girl, someone w a nice body, or someone dressed provocatively I IMMEDIATELY get anxious and automatically start to check for any attraction (and ofc majority of the time it will trigger the groinal). Same thing with any handsome man. I’m so worried I’ll become numb to my boyfriend so I’ll start to check if I find the man on social attractive and automatically panic when I just feel numb (mixture of rocd and soocd fears). I’m willing to put in the work to get through this. I have tasted what it feels like to have a breakthrough/living life without ocd controlling me and I REFUSEEEEEEEEE to let this fucking flare up take this shit from me. I feel like shit rn but if I have the tools ik I will get better. So pleasaaseeeeee someone respond with something useful 😭😭😭!!!

hellooooo i’m back again!! im currently experiencing a SOOCD and ROCD flare up. i really want to know how i can stop mentally checking (feelings, emotions, arousal, attraction, etc). my main compulsion was ruminating and I was able to stop, and my mental checking wasn’t bad bc my anxiety wasn’t that bad. i was successful for the last 3 weeks, my numbness was SLOWLY fading (i was even finding celebrities attractive again), and i had many GREAT moments with my bf and i was able to enjoy being with him and being intimate (even tho i did have slip ups, i could redirect myself) and all that. sitting with the anxiety made me start to worry that all the anxiety was going to trigger my numbness even more (even when i was having really nice dates with him, i redirected myself successfully, i didn’t search for the “right” feelings/attraction i just let myself be there, and even allowed myself to be slightly intimate with him even when i was worried my checking and numbness would make me feel nothing), and ruin my relationship with him, and i started to get a huge wave of anxiety which triggered my groinal response. the next day i sat with the anxiety, discomfort, and had a major breakthrough. i felt happy and connected w my feelings but at night, i noticed the anxiety again and how it triggered my groinal response and then i started focusing on that. i kept focusing on it which scared me, and when i went on social media (not trying to use it as a distraction i was just bored) i would immediately get anxious seeing the triggering video, check for any arousal, or attraction, and got the groinal again, and now my soocd decided to flare even more. now im starting to automatically check for any attraction or arousal to girls, triggering the groinal response, reviewing past behavior, past sexual experiences where i was too numb from all the anxiety and checking to enjoy it, making me more anxious, and making it harder for me to stay in the moment. i’m worried my brain and emotions will just shut off. i had small wins today where me and my man would call and he said some “things” to me and i was excited and flustered, i had moments where i stopped trying to feel if i was feeling “right”, but i would immediately go back to trying to see if i was feeling the right things. at the restaurant i went to i automatically started checking if i was feeling any attraction towards other men (checking for numbness) or checking if i found a woman attractive (my soocd) which triggered my search for numbness and the groinal. even when im not anxious im checking if im feeling numb. i swear im not doing it on purpose it literally just happens. i really love the feelings i have with him it’s so fucking freeing it makes me feel normal. i really hate how when i finally start to get my shit together ocd tries to take it away. regardless i’m stilllllll going to do my best to get better idgaf how anxious it will make me i will not roll over and die like i did in my teen years. PLEASE, anyone going through this or any ocd conquerors, just give me some tools on how to deal with it and i’ll use them.

Recently i got stuck in a loop with a terrible intrusive thought about my boyfriend. it’s been rattling in my mind and i feel disgusted and scared and like an evil horrible person. i keep saying things like “intrusive thoughts attack who/what you care about the most” but i think my compulsion (researching; looking up ocd intrusive thoughts and watching others experiencing the same thing) had made it hard to believe that. Im not super concerned about the harm portion because im beating it but now its turned me numb towards my boyfriend after feeling so guilty and scared and everything. i just don’t know what to do its like my body and brain is trying to push me away. we also spend every single day together so im wondering if maybe thats why its so bad? like i feel AWFUL. and i cant stop crying and i havent told him any of this because i don’t want to scare him or make him think im crazy. any tips or words would be appreciated.

I was driving through a intersection and a guy on bike came into my lane when I had the right of way. I got a bit frustrated at him not follwoing the rules so I tried to break check him (without wishing him any harm, nor did I intended for him to get into an accident because of me). Beacuse he had made a u-turn and was now on my right side while break chehcking I turned a bit to the right too (not intending any harm to him, just wanted to tease him cause of the situation) he slightly touched my car. I felt bad so I checked all my mirrors. I remember at that time he moved to the left. How I know that? The guy was wearing a black helmet with another guy sitting behind him. So my mind tracked these 2 factors at that time assuring me that the black helmet bike guy was not harmed due to my due diligence. Becuase I felt bad about the sitiation I instead of speeding away kept my speed slow at first hoping if he was angry he'd pull up besides me. But the black helmet guy was also not too fast. He seemed he had shrugged it off, niether any other passengers on car or bike called me out or followed me (if any harm/accident had happened). So after this conclusion that he was not harmed (checking the mirrors/keeping a slow speed) I gradually increased my speed and got home. The ride back home I made prayers for forgiveness and and vowed not to do break checking and stuff like that again beacuse I was lucky nothing bad had happened this time around. Till this point (driving back home till I Slept) I had no OCD or false memory.I got home did my work but this incident kept coming back with guilt and it was all good (meaning no False memory till now). Then when I was about to go to sleep my brain started making worse scenerios that what if he had gotten hurt or worse.I have played the memory a thousand times and no one fell. Even my brother who was in the passenger seat, said I guess he just touched our car and did not fell. Even I didn't find any major scratch on the car confirming it was not a big deal cause we weren't that fast either casue its a major intersection. But still the false memroy keeps haunting me that what if I had harmed him/ hurt him. I wish for this to go away as evey other second this false thought of me causing the bike guy harm keeps haunting me.The fact that I initiated it as a simple break check to just get back at him (not intending any harm) makes it even worse for me. Cause now OCD is making me acountable for a false memory in my head (well I do say I was wrong and I could have brushed it off by not break checking. But all happened in a split second).

I’m in the beginning stages of a relationship and I’m honestly sick. My partner has completely laid out what he wants and explicitly said he wanted a relationship but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking of the worst. Even the slightest off behavior is making me think he hates me and I did something awful or I’m making it all up in my head. We have known each other for a long time and I have no reason not to trust him or myself but the only thing going through my head is awful things even though we talked about plans soon. How can I stop this without being reassured, if being reassured won’t help??

I feel like whenever I'm at church I'm not doing good enough or my praying isn't enough. I'm also disabled and half the time am unable to stand for long periods of time. My ocd keeps telling me that I'm not worshiping good enough because I'm sitting down or because I can't sing that hymn. It makes me feel so alone when I'm at church like god doesn't love me because I am not worshiping correctly.

Thinking of getting a diagnosis/diagnostic assessment through NOCD, but I’m quite worried/afraid about getting misdiagnosed or calling with someone who’s like not qualified or knowledgeable enough to diagnose. On Reddit it seems that people experiences depend on which NOCD therapist they get assigned with or something, but the diagnostic assessment will be the same no matter the therapist right? Like the questions they ask and stuff? And is it an officially diagnosis? Any advice?

Hi, I'm new here, I'm about to go into my second year of college, and I've been reflecting quite a bit on my relationships over the summer. I get these really loud intrusive thoughts all the time that I'm exploiting my friends/partner and that if I don't mask my "true intentions" they will abandon me. I feel like I never do enough for them and when I do try I just end up messing up or just making the situation worse. I just want to know if anyone else experiences this? If so, any advice? I'm thinking about seeking advice from my psychiatrist and psychologist about more thoughts I will not get into on here. Thanks!

“TEACH YOUR CHILDREN SCRIPTURES EARLY AND THEY WILL BE ABLE TO ACCESS ARMOR THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD.” For me, I am always blessed and HIGHLY FAVORED. You don't have to be a strong religious Bible thumper to understand. You don't have to believe in someone's GOD. Just believe in something greater then you. So, what does this mean for you. There is not perfectly right or wrong answer. Grounded

My partner had a big spiral last night his foot became contaminated so he didn’t want to put it on the bed. We spoke for a bit then he decided he would just try and go to sleep. Now this morning he won’t eat or get up he believes the whole bed is now contaminated I’ve tried convincing him to do his meditation/breathing exercises and use some of the apps that have been helping him, but he’s just completely shutting down. I feel like anything that helps him he doesn’t want. I hate it when he won’t eat or drink. But he says it’s a punishment for how stupid he is. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone gone through stages like this? What did you do? What do I do?

One of my big ocd themes revolves around the fear of passing out. I have agoraphobia and panic disorder too bc of this. It started when I was 5 when a doctor gave me a shot, I passed out. After that any time I went in for a regular physical exam I would get so nervous I’d pass out, it then extended to other types of doctors. To as an adult everywhere I go, I have this extreme fear of passing out. It doesn’t help that I have some sort of validation behind the fear bc it has happened. Throughout my whole life I’ve passed out maybe 10-15 times so idk how to get over this. It rules every aspect of my life and I’m completely home bound bc of it. I also just feel really dramatic talking about it to people who don’t have anxiety, so I don’t talk about it and I keep it in and it’s not fair that whenever I have to do something I have to be brave. I don’t want to be brave, I want to feel comfortable

Hey, I am a 19 year old girl, who have since February 2024 begun questioning if I am a lesbian. I have always LOVED boys, and have always known that I do not like women sexually, but I remember one night I got the thought “what if you like women” and I have not been able to not think about it since then. I remember I began questioning this during Covid when I was home alone in 2020, but has since then been able to be 100% that it was just a fase where I was curious, but had since then been able to talk openly about me not liking women without it triggering something. But since February I have thought about it EVERY day and every single minute of the day. I have a boyfriend of 3,5 years who I love so much, but since I began having these thoughts I cannot feel attracted to him. I need to ask him for reassurance 10+ times a day “pinky promise I’m not into women but only men” and have to ask him a certain way. I also think “oh I feel the need to look at women’s private parts and get a tangly feeling 3 or more times before I can look away cause it has to feel right. I also feel like I can’t listen to eg “I kissed a girl” or “born this way” because if I do I will feel attracted to it. Another example is that I constantly seek reassurance from Google, ChatGPT or TikTok and it is so draining because in the end I keep thinking “I don’t have a OCD diagnosis what If im in denial and is just a lesbian who is lying to me bf” I feel as im in denial just writing this. I have lived with it for a year now and is starting to question “what if I have just changed and must accept that I don’t like boys and is masculine e.g.” but the thing is, I have ALWAYS loved makeup, and loves girl stuff, but when I have these thought I can’t feel as I am in control of who I am. It makes me question myself to the point where I feel as I have to go out and be with a women because it is what my brain tells me to do. During a 5 month period in between this year the topic changed to “what if I have cheated on my bf without him knowing because I don’t remember” and I went down another dark hole. I have thrown all my clothe from that period of time out because I felt guilty and as it held “bad memories” and now I regret it because the topic has changed. But during that time I had to seek reassurance from friends “have I flirted - do u think I talked flirty or looked at them, have I done anything” and I had to have it IN writing, otherwise it wasn’t valid. I even promised God that I would not go out clubbing until New Year’s Eve at 12 am, because then he would forgive me and it would make me a not lesbian person. But it did not help a bit, the topic just changed and my “am I a leabjan” spiral started again. And it makes me so sad because why can it not just think “okay you are bisexual” NOT JUST “oh you are either heterosexual or ONLY into women” it is like my mind is afraid. So I guess my hope and question is, is there anyone who can tell if this sounds like OCD, and if I am into women. Before gaining these thoughts I was certain, and I know i don’t ONLY like women, but I can’t even be sexually active with my bf because if I think of women during it, I must get turned on by it and be a lesbian. I am so exhausted. Sorry for the long question, I am just so drained. Backstory: my family has a lot of mental illnesses on my dads side, and when I was a child I dealt a lot with having to wash my hands until they bled and crying because i did not know why I lived. I was never diagnosed.

Hi wonderful people. I hope you’re all doing well and if not, I really hope you find a moment of peace soon. Im really glad this app exists as a safe space for people. Im just coming on here to vent, I hope thats okay. The last few days have been rough for me OCD wise. Im getting ready to drive back to university which is a really long drive, and I have to do it alone. Driving is one of my worst OCD triggers- every time I’m on the wheel of a car I have these horrid intrusive thoughts about crashing, or what would have happened if I crashed and died/killed someone, or breaking a traffic law and being arrested. I feel like I need to turn around and double check I didn’t run a stop sign and ruminate over it and it’s terrible. And I have to drive exactly the speed limit or I’ll be arrested. Idk- I try my best to manage and just take breaks when I need to but my palms sweat and my hands shake and staring at nothing for hours at a time makes for great intrusive thought breeding grounds. And because I’m stressed my other ocd issues are popping up like rocd- I’m so grateful my poor boyfriend has the patience of a stone. We’ve both grown a lot over the past few months and a lot has changed since my diagnosis- especially now that we both know my “trust issues” are a symptom of something bigger. But I go through these cycles where the goblin convinces me he’ll someday become abusive. The whole “oh she/they/he was so sweet until xyz and then I was trapped and I thought they were going to murder me.” Back before I had my diagnosis and I was having “moments” as we call them, where I ruminate and ruminate and compulse for hours while having panic attacks, he would sometimes get frustrated and stressed and yell. It was always with love, something like “I dont understand why you cant just listen to me and take care of yourself” or “you know the coping mechanisms to feel better so why dont you do them” or “what do you want me to say? That everythings going to turn out horribly?” (Reassurance seeking). I know in my heart that these were vulnerable moments coming from not know what to do or how to help, but the goblin wont shut up and stop telling me these are somehow “red flags” that someday hes going to turn and become abusive towards me. And then sometimes i compulse that if I just do xyz it wont happen, like not talk or something. Idk, Im just scared and frustrated. We’ve had conversations about the yelling and how it’s a trigger and hes been really good about stepping away when he needs a minute- especially now that we both know what “moments” really are, instead of a seemingly random psychotic break multiple times a week. Im also getting better now that I’m on meds. But gosh when the goblin pops up it just makes me crazy. Im just grateful he knows about ocd and has been so supportive throughout everything. (I feel like in post I should note that we’re partially long distance, we live 5hrs apart during the school year and see eachother on breaks. He gets frustrated and stressed when I’m having an attack and he physically cannot be there to help me.) Idk, Idk what Im really saying. I’m just quite stressed and theres a lot of goblin thoughts pingponging around my head and making quite the racket. I spun out last night in a compulsion attack and panic attack and it really stank, I don’t really remember a lot of it now. My partner was with me and it was related to both of the above and all he could do was keep me from pulling at my hair and hold me until I came out of it. I feel horrible for putting him through all of this but I’m also so grateful. Idk, everything’s just so stressful right now. If any of you read to this point thank you, I’m sorry this was so long, I just really needed to explode out into the anonymous void. Thanks again

Pissed of bc I have to write this shit again 😭. This will be all over the place sorry. So if you check out my other posts you would see I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for a long time. I am also currently dealing with ROCD now that I am in a new relationship. What a fun and exciting combination 😀!! I think my relationship is a major exposure for me and it’s been a very interesting time. I’ve known my boyfriend for a very long time and he’s been a very close friend for many years. Before we got into a relationship I wasn’t really dealing with much intrusive thoughts (i was avoiding everything) or anxiety and my feelings/attraction towards him were so clear to me. Our relationship is pretty new and it’s been great and also so fucking hard. Basically, anxiety and ocd are trying to beat my ass. Even though things have been hard for me, I have decided to follow the advice I was given on one of my posts, which is to continue living. I have literally made it my MISSION to reclaim my life. I already know my compulsions are rumination, reassurance seeking, and mental checking of emotions, feelings, attraction, arousal, etc. When I’m with him I try my best to stay in the moment, stop mentally checking, stop ruminating, and all that. Although i’m definitely not 100% successful, and I do catch myself doing those things a LOT, I always end up having a great time and the dates are always so sweet. Since i’ve been dealing with SOOCD since I was 15, my past relationship was pretty traumatic for me. My ex was a terrible boyfriend and it was a stupid high school/early college years relationship. I was always subconsciously checking my emotions, feelings, attraction, and arousal around/for him ALL THE TIME which made being with him scary and it felt like my intrusive thoughts were right. Especially since I was extremely depressed, rarely found anyone attractive, had a low libido (still deal with last two/read older posts to get better understanding of where I am w ocd), and I never enjoyed/felt anything when we were intimate. This makes me check everything around my boyfriend now. I’m trying to follow the great advice I got on my last post, and I’m trying my best to stop my compulsions when i notice myself doing them, continue to kiss, hold hands, and hangout. I’m also trying my best to sit with any discomfort/anxiety i experience (which is a lot). I try to stay in the moment (not always successful) and when I do I always really enjoying the dates. The hangouts have been so sweet and have given me a lot of hope that I can get through this. When i’m with him it’s easier for me to be a bit less anxious (even tho i check a lot i can remain calm) but when im away i literally go insane. TMI but we’re already discussing being intimate and im so afraid that i wont feel anything when it happens and it will make me numb to him. I’m always wondering, what if i don’t really like him? what if my intrusive thoughts are right? most of the time you can’t fully enjoy the kisses what if you don’t enjoy s*x? what if that completely ruins your friendship and relationship? yk the usual. I also had a horrible anxiety spike right now because he crossed a boundary he doesn’t know i have, and instead of thinking, “yeah it’s normal he did that especially since i was ok with it during our friendship.” I immediately became extremely anxious and start to think, what if this changes the way i feel about him/see him? what if i can’t feel anything for him anymore? what if this ruins out relationship? what if i feel nothing when we kiss or start to get intimate? what if im lying to myself? what if im not attracted to him at all and all my intrusive thoughts are right? what if all i can feel is anxiety the next time i see him (i thought this before the last time we hung out and i was fine 🧍‍♀️crazy how my brain is)? the usual shit. I’m trying to hard to continue living with this and it’s so fucking annoying!!! It’s so scary and i’m still struggling but im also so fucking proud of myself. I might feel like shit most of the time but this is nothing compared to how i felt when i was younger. I was so miserable and i hated living. I remember balling on my bed feeling so helpless that i started to pray to a god i don’t believe in to help me. As I type this the fear is going away (fuck the groinal response tho idk why it always shows up when im anxious) and I feel more and more hope. I’m going to continue trying to stop my compulsions and continue sitting with the discomfort. I’m already looking for a therapist on here. I know this will definitely not be easy but bitch IM READYYYYY im feeling scared AND motivated. I know this is all over the place but if you read this thank you. I rmbr my grandma telling me a mexican saying like “when you feel hopeless you need to get up, take the bull by the horns, and push” and yeah she’s right I WILL BE DOING THATTTTTT!!! I’m so over this shit but idc I’m going to live my life 😭!! Anyways If you have any tips PLEASSEEEE share them with me!!