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What was the lowest point of your H OCD, mental intrusive thoughts, depression, DPDR and other mental disorders ? Pls explain im in the worst place right now. (I don’t know if i will experience any psychosis later or not im down)

I will apologize in advance for the long post. I went to a big city with some friends a few months ago and went to a place I am not proud of and highly regret. I had not told my wife about this. We were getting ready to try to get pregnant, and while praying I felt conviction to tell my wife of what I had done. For this, I don't regret my decision. She deserved to know. On Sunday, afternoon, I simply told her that we had went to this place. I did not go into details of what all we had done while we were in there. I took some sleeping meds and went to bed early. The next day, I felt guilt and shame for what I had done. I felt as if I was hiding things from her and not being completely transparent. Tuesday, I sit her down and told her exactly what we had done while we were in said location. I gave her names of who was with me, how long we were there. I felt a relief as I felt as if I had told her everything. I took a sleeping aid and went to bed. The next day, I felt more shame for what I had done. I replayed the event in my head. I called my friends that were with me and seen how they felt about the situation. I felt as if I may have done more than I confessed to. I didn't know if these details were true. I had major chest pressure that would not go away. When I got home, I told my wife that I didn't know if I actually did these things, but to make her decision if our marriage would work based on the fact that I did these things because I don't know. Then, I got to reading the bible about where this fit religiously. Does it classify as adultery? Does it disqualify me from ever being a religious leader? The anxiety from reading scripture would cause emotions that are hard to describe. I seeked advice from two of my religious co-workers and a family friend that caused temporary relief, but the anxiety came back. Then, being afraid of not being transparent with my wife, I told my wife about looking at pictures of other people on Instagram. She said some of this stuff I have done is creepy. My mother had a rough childhood from her stepdad, and now because of some of this, I have been "what if" myself about if I will turn into that person. I guess my main question is: have I always had OCD or is it something that I just started? I have always been obsessive over things-trucks, coolers, money. I have been indecisive. Order something, get buyer's remorse. Try to cancel the order. But I've never felt anything like I have over this moment. I know it is extremely personal which is understandable, but it is tough to process. About a week into all of this, I went to the doctor to get some help with calming my brain so I could focus at work. She gave me hydroxyzine as a short term and fluoxetine for long term. While I was taking hydroxyzine, it was like it toned out all outside noise and made my brain just focus on the faults I have and what this meant about me. I have since stopped that medicine. I am about a month into this. I am certainly a lot better. Our marriage is going to survive. But I still have thoughts about what this means about me, or I compare myself to others around me, or get triggered by something said on tv, or if I see one of my friends that was there that night.

New to the app, 44 yrs old and trying to connect with others that have similar problems. Ive probably had this for a while but its been worse since a car accident in March 2024. Ive been unable to work since, due to severe back problems and intrusive thoughts annoy me frequently. Not feeling like im enough in multiple different ways. Money worries, loneliness and depression to say the least and im married with 3 kids and 2 at home. Already on script for nerve problems(Amitryptiline) and wondering if thats making worse or better?? Was helping with pains but idk if its whats making me more obsessive, I also pick at my fingers at times. Thanks!!!

DOES NOT HELP!!!! Had SOOCD/HOCD in 2016, at my 14 years, and then its back again 10 years later all of a sudden, during a burnout that made me stay away from my job for a week. I KNOW WHAT I AM AND WHAT I’M NOT! When I’m not in crisis I don’t even THINK about my sexuality cause of how certain I am. I am happily married and with kids, I always dreamed about marrying a man like my husband. BUT, when OCD comes, I suddently don’t know anything it seems. And I see some therapists saying that we have to accept uncertainty… But I AM certain, just OCD keeps fighting my own belief and identity of myself!

Hello. I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I recently saw a new psychiatrist because I moved and could no longer see my old one. I told her about some of my struggles and she mentioned that I may have OCD. I immediately dismissed it because I had a false preconception that OCD is mainly repetitive tasks like hand washing, etc. and didn't entertain the idea. On Monday, I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her what my psychiatrist said. We then discussed it in a little more detail and that's when I realized how much of OCD is in your head. After the appointment Monday PM I could not stop researching OCD. I went down a complete spiral and spent hours looking up symptoms and signs and questioning every event and interaction in my life wondering if it may be OCD. It felt like my whole world was flipped upside down and the floodgates opened. I started remembering things that were likely OCD that I thought was just severe anxiety but now make more sense. Then I started questioning if I am just imagining things now because someone mentioned OCD and my brain is trying to invent symptoms to match what I was reading. I kept looking up more things, reading the same information over and over to "confirm" I had it... and every time I thought I had myself convinced that I do have it - I started questioning it again... this went on for several hours until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. I woke up yesterday morning and it was the first thought in my head. I started replaying past events and wondering if it was OCD related... just questioning my whole life. Nothing felt real anymore. I cried so many times yesterday and I wasn't even sure why. There are so many things that make me feel like I definitely have it but then I just keep thinking maybe I don't? How do I stop? I feel like now that I have this information I don't know what to do with it. I would really love to talk to someone who has been through similar or can ask for advice. I just feel so overwhelmed.

Hi everyone- I have been diagnosed and working through therapy and processing the fact I been have OCD, but have yet to talk to my husband about it. It’s like I have the entire convo in my head prior to even bringing it up and get overwhelmed so I just don’t bring it up. It’s a secret at this point and it’s really effecting me and our relationship. It’s like I’m living a lie. Anyone else here have a hard time talking to heir partner about even having ocd? How can I explain this to someone who I’ve been with for 18 years? To make things harder, one of our best friends has severe OCD and it literally destroyed her career, marriage and relationships as she never truly worked on her OCD so that makes us both fearful of the whole thing too. Thank you for your kind words I’m advance as I’m sure others have been in this position!

I’m sure others can relate but sometimes feeling alone can hit so hard especially by family. I kinda got my feelings hurt earlier and I try to understand that my mom lived in a different generation so she’ll never fully get it or understand anxiety or OCDs struggles. She’s been complaining to me about work and job finding due to stressful reasons. I hear her and I’m trying to find work but getting a job now is really hard I’ve applied to many places and have only had 3 interviews/responses. Some jobs were too far and others just didn’t have a decent schedule. However I know work is work and I won’t lie my harm OCD has ruined a lot too, even though I’ve applied and done interviews I get bad panic attacks and shoot part of the reason for one job I almost got I declined because I was having bad harm ocd anxiety about it since I’m scared of having panic attacks at work or me losing it (harm ocd thoughts 😞). It’s so annoying and I hate it, however the main reason was also because it was really really far too and my mom doesnt wanna drive all the way out there all the time. Other than that places have barely replied. I know my mom is trying to help in her own way but it’s the way she compared this one friend of hers anxiety to mines. To be fair I’ve never met her friend so I’m not bashing or saying mines is worse, but my mom basically invalidated my anxiety, she started to tell me that her friends anxiety is actually chronic and that she deals with worse because she has had worse anxiety problems than I have and that mines is not as bad and it’s better than hers. Even though I’ve had severe panic attacks, almost every night, I have avoided leaving the house for months and months before, I’ve panicked in public, I do a lot of compulsions to calm down, I struggle with themes she’ll never understand and her saying that made me feel like I’m just being extra and maybe so but she knows I have bad anxiety so I don’t get why she said mines isn’t chronic or isn’t a real struggle like her friend…and that’s the thing when it comes to others who have anxiety she’s so nice but when it’s me it’s pressure, pushiness and her getting mad because she doesn’t understand why I’m this way, and it’s always the “oh back in my day we actually had things to worry about now and days yall have it easier” Type of thing…It’s just so frustrating because family should comfort and be there and mines can’t even do that for me :/. I wanna get help and therapy for my harm ocd but I have to wait to save up more since a lot of ocd therapists are very pricey. I still wanna get better and shoot there were periods of time during my harm OCD where I was doing better but now it’s like back to square root 1. Either way I hope everyone is doing well and remember we can get through all this together.

I have OCD about intrusive groinal sensations that I get in ‘inappropriate situations.’ At one point a narrative built in my mind that if I accidentally thought of these sensations when I was around children, I was terrified it would make me a paedofile. Clearly not. After therapy years ago all of my ocd disappeared and I accepted myself/ learned about how my brain works. But now the ocd sensations have come back and it has some fear to latch onto as I am a Dad. So it has felt really intrusive. And I kind of forgot how to deal with it. Getting help for this only works with OCD experts. I had a great therapist before as my obsessions have shifted around different moral issues, but it has been a long time. Obsessing about obsessions becomes a problem for me. I need to find a balance of ‘not caring’ while letting the sensations happen and removing the fear, while not obsessing about the obsession itself. I think I have to try and just let my ocd sensations happen and tell myself it doesn’t matter what it means either way. But I’m pretty sad and lonely in this, we are new parents so I’m managing this while adapting to being a new Dad. I love my daughter so much, I think that’s why the OCD came up again.

I'm in my 30s and only discovered I had OCD when I decided to try therapy half a year ago. As I've been exploring my OCD, it's really started to sink in that so much of who I think of myself as, my personality, my interests, my "story", it's all rooted in my OCD. I felt like there was something different about me ever since I was a kid, and that feeling never stopped growing. I thought maybe I was just unique, thoughtful, "deep", someone that didn't fit in because I was special, an idealist. But it turns out I was just trapped in my head, entertaining a constant barrage of thoughts, doubts, and questions I couldn't answer. Who am I? How does everyone else know who they are? How should I act so people don't dislike me? What would make me a good person? If I'm good will I fit in? What should I study? How should I dress? What will make me happy? Why does the thing that made me happy yesterday not make me happy today? What's the thing that will make me happy everyday? What should I do with every minute of my life? Years went by while I lived in this whirlpool of uncertainty. I suffered quietly. I was often exhausted, and I didn't have the energy or confidence to live to the fullest. I felt like an alien, and that everyone else could tell. I coped with it by always choosing the safest possible action, or what just "felt right" in the face of infinity "I don't knows". I spent most of my time alone, or with my few but precious friends. I was sometimes depressed, but mostly scared. But even though I felt trapped and stuck, time gradually gave me insight. I did learn more about myself. How to be me, and kinda feel good about it. But I feel so incredibly behind too. There's so much I missed out on because I didn't know how to cope with a condition I didn't even know I had. I chose a career out of uncertainty and it's plain as day it's not what I'd choose if I could do it all over. Until now I never even dated. A great step up that I finally started trying, but the slightest mistep hurls me into a rumination sensation. Today in therapy I was just venting about this and that, just the little things, and suddenly these words came out: "I feel like I was robbed". I got more emotional than I've ever been in front of my therapist. She taught me that once we get to a certain point in our recovery, we can't help but grieve. In particular, when you learn to manage it. When you finally know some peace, and you realize that peace is just what's normal for everyone else. I hope to know some more peace, and make up for what was lost. Maybe make what could have been, what is.

I’ve been battling my mind since October 13th 2011. Since I was 17 years old. I am now 32 years old and I’m embarrassed that it took this long to be properly diagnosed. Even though I’ve tried to find answers for years. Answer through science, medicine and church. I just finally realized last year in August 2025 that I had False Memory OCD. After years of multiple therapists, trying medications. Anways, I hate my subtype because it is false memory OCD. It’s the most vicious of them all for me because it involves harm OCD. This got reignited after my great grandmother passed away with me in January 2022, she was 89 years old . I started to detach from reality after weeks of dealing with her death and my family and I planning her funeral. I started to detach from reality and I accused myself of smothering her with a pillow. Because I just could not understand why and how she would pass away with me out of all people. Even though all the signs of her transitioning naturally were there. I couldn’t believe or accept it. I started to have nightmares that I miraculously smothered her. I loved her, I can’t even remember getting disciplined a lot as a child. She also never bothered me as an adult either. I would have to make her leave the house to go grocery shopping. We were thick as thieves ! It took me quite a few episodes to realize, my memory of her death was false ! A year later, my childhood boyfriend grandmother died in 2023 when she was like 94 years old . I was nowhere near her death or near her years prior to her death either . I had not been around her since 2016 when I was 22 years old . But in 2024, I seen him and I started having a plethora of intrusive thoughts and sadly intrusive images. I’ve been currently battling and thinking about times I’ve been alone with his grandmother overnight ( even when he was not around ). His grandmother would beg me to spend a night with her and I could never tell her no even though him and I were not together anymore. My mind went as far as convincing me that I poisoned one of her bottled water in her refrigerator, with a little house hold bleach. Let me remind you, I never cooked for his grandmother , I never cleaned their home or anything. She moved around really well back in 2016. It’s like my mind, is creating a space where, I get out of bed in her guest room, sneak in her kitchen in the middle of the night. And take a jug of bleach ( from I don’t know where because I’m unsure where they would keep it ) maybe under the kitchen sink. And I grab an already cold bottle of water , and I add bleach to it and place it in the refrigerator. My mind is like.. maybe the bleach ate through her organs , cause lung and blood challenges. Then that’s how she dies 7 years later ? I hate it so much because I would never desire to harm anyone. But I worry. Am I sick and evil OR am I mentally ill ? No negative thoughts come to mind when humans are in my presence. But it can be 10 years later, my false memory will have me doubt memories and it will create intrusively. I’ve already tried to do right by everyone I come in contact with. I don’t have children yet. But I’ve been a care giver to almost everyone in my life from raising others children and taking care of elders. But what if I’m not the person that I say that I am ? I worry about being a monster in plain sight. I don’t want to lose this battle. I’ve fought so hard to be alive and exist. Nothing has seemed to work. What if these things are true.

Does anyone here have advice for Religious scruples?

I’ve read all kinds of retroactive jealousy cases, and none of them talk about my specific scenario. Most if not all cases always talk about their partners past which essentially is what I’m talking about here, but the problem is her and I were together all through high school until senior year, we broke up for two years and both dated other people and were sexually involved with said people. We did decide to get back together and we shared that information to each other. I think I buried it for 20 years because it’s now it’s 2026 and this break up happened in 2018, and out of nowhere right after she said yes to me in November 2025 to be my wife… this flare of intrusive thoughts since seeing what they did together in my mind will not go away. I remember the heartbreak I felt when I found out that she was sleeping with him (he was her bf now DUHHH right?!) but we were still very emotionally attached to each other. We never stopped, loving each other. She was there to all of my hardships as a child since we were together since we were 14 years old. And we both were extremely attached to each other because we survived together. It’s not just thinking about my new girlfriend’s past. It’s seeing a timeline of two people who grew up together and attached so hard that I still felt like someone got MY GIRL… why did this show up 20 years later?! and why can’t I separate these timelines in my mind because every time I see what’s happening it’s always the version I have in front of me doing those things 20 years ago. Either way it’s the woman of my dreams since I was a kid and even now, that’s why I’m marrying her. I was doing the same thing with my partner at the time so logically I know it was OK but my mind doesn’t stop playing it and showing me high definition videos of what I think unfolded and it hurts me deeply every time so it’s like a rolling effective depression because every time I see it the same pain hits again. She doesn’t judge me for it so how does she live there in that mindset? I’m sorry for typing so much. It was just hard to give you a reference because most people talk about their new partner’s past, and this was my ORIGINAL partner and my current partner OF 20 YEARS again… these intrusive thoughts and movies playing of her doing all positions and while she’s next to me. It’s just so heartbreaking every time I see them and it thousands of times a day. I just want to be closer to her again like we were three months ago. I feel for anyone that’s going through OCD in general. But wouldn’t wish this RJOCD on my worst enemy. I hope this treatment will help here.

Hi everyone. ❤️ I hope it's okay for me to post here even though I'm not the one who has OCD. My boyfriend has OCD, and I love him very much. Seeing how much he struggles sometimes breaks my heart because I wish I could make things easier for him, but I know I can't "fix" it. I also know that good intentions don't always mean I'm actually being helpful. That's why I wanted to ask people who truly understand what it's like to live with OCD. What are some things your partner, family, or friends have done that genuinely helped you? And, just as importantly, what are some things they did with good intentions that actually made things worse? I want to support him in the healthiest way possible, respect his boundaries, and be someone who makes him feel safe rather than accidentally feeding the OCD. I'm trying to learn as much as I can because he means the world to me. Thank you so much to anyone who's willing to share their experience. It would really mean a lot to me. ❤️

When I was younger 5 or 6 I won't get into great detail but something inappropriate happened to me.. my whole life I've questioned wether or not it happened I convince myself I'm lying because I want attention because I don't fully remember. I've ruminated on this ever since. I'm 21 years old now. I'm not sure how to express my feelings but. I am always questioning my reality. A coworker of mine physically pulled me by my shirt aggressively and My family convinced me to tell my boss. I have two managers and I spoke to the one under the main manager he said to let the main manager know. After a few days of thinking I convinced myself that it was just me that I'm jealous of him for some unknown reason "I'm just jealous" and I'm evil for trying to make him look bad. So I decided not to say anything. To my benefit my boss told the main manager for me so I didn't have to say anything. I grew nervous as I saw the video fully believing that I conjured up a whole lie just to fit my narrative of being eveil and jealous. She pulled up the footage and it's exactly what I thought I just second guessed myself so much that I literally lost my perception of reality. I know anxiety and ocd have similar symptoms but what really makes me think I may have ocd is the amount of time I spend ruminating on things and how they affect my life. Please share your opinion from what I've said

New dad to such a happy healthy beautiful 6mo old baby. Yet I struggle. I rush through diaper changes, causing my child distress and discomfort. At night I first have to put on a layer of clothes before changing my child because “what if”. I struggle with comforting my child when they cry, because “what if” my body responds? Oxytocin is a hell of a drug, and you can’t really control bodily responses. So I just end up avoiding doing things that may trigger a groinal response. This includes comforting my crying child at 3am, and my wife thinks I’m a monster for just rushing the diaper change and feeding, rather than picking them up, swaying and shushing and soothing my child - which I so desperately want to but can’t bc “what if”. Not to mention it takes me an extra minute to put on boxers and a shirt before changing them. So naturally bc it’s taking forever and our child is screaming, my wife gets pissed and swoops in to do the job at 3am, then I get pissed bc it reinforces the spiral but I can’t tell her bc of shame and I don’t want her to think it’s not POCD and instead I’m actually one Living in hell at the moment, need some perspective that it gets better.

Hi! New here. 👋 This is my first post so I am nervous, but, literally everything makes me nervous so why not just nip this one in the bud. 🤣 I have severe health OCD and I’ve been in a panic flare for about a month now. Any bodily sensation/pain, numbness, tingling, lump, bruise, my brain catastrophes it as cancer, MS, ALS, stroke, tumors you name it. I was on Prozac for a long time and it helped so much that I thought the smart thing to do was to get off of it cause I was “better”(it wasn’t and I wasn’t). Now I have to get back on it and my brain is panicking about the side effects and anxiety I will have while my body gets adjusted. Anyone related to this? I’d love to speak with people who struggle along with me, I have no one in my personal life that has this. Thanks! Happy to be here!🩷

It is so hard to navigate the heart break of saying goodbye to someone for one side of them that's unhealthy, when the other side of them was so good. 💔 I am looking for advice on how to handle a back-and-forth internal fight in my heart and mind after making a major decision; for several days I can feel completely okay albeit a little sad about my choice, but then the next week I feel absolutely awful and think, "What the hell did I do?" I recently ended a very long-term relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last few years, I grew and focused on my well-being, while he remained stagnant. Though he could be affectionate, his behavior was often exhausting, performative, and controlling. He adopted (maybe unknown to him) a "toxic positivity/guru" type of persona—sometimes even policing whether or not my reactions were uplifting enough, or concise enough, etc—yet underneath the mask, I believe he is a genuinely vulnerable, lonely man who deserves compassion.I ended things firmly, sent a loving letter saying I can't be in a relationship right now, and requested no contact on phone after he was messaging me like it's any other day. Of course, it's not that I wanted to be so extreme, and I would love to get to a point where he and I can send letters or emails but I needed to draw a line. I felt secure in my choice (albeit still sad) until a massive wave of grief, sobbing, and guilt hit me yesterday. I am deeply worried about him being middle-aged and alone (he's kind of a lone wolf type of man), as I was his best friend and he doesn't have a lot of other friends in his immediate day to day life. I struggle with standard advice to "just cut off a toxic narcissist" because he wasn't just that, and I am genuinely mourning the vulnerable person beneath his complex persona. How do I navigate this intense guilt and worry for his well-being without breaking my boundaries? Any thoughts or shared experiences would be deeply appreciated.

9 months ago my mental health crisis sky rocketed and I have been suffering and struggling since with a variety of severly increased OCD categories, but mainly Checking OCD, that has overtaken my ability to process and do a lot of things. I use to be able to function so normally (I'd check a small thing here or there, I'd straighten up a counter casually) without a lot of the struggles I am going through now - which have occured, spiked, and continues to drowningly debilitate me, After a few work related...traumas, if I may use that word. After working for a small business for 15+ years,(already in a state of despair, burnout and resentment for most parts of my job) being randomly and unprofessionally told by the owners (that were my bosses, mentors, and supposedly friends of 15 years) thst they were selling the store; which has felt like such an abandonment, jumped ship, thrown to the wolves feeling & that on top of that a category of service our store provides that is disgustingly drowning and has left me so beyond burntout and depressed and triggering more OCD snowballs. I have never experienced anything like I have been going through these past 9 months. Checking OCD keeps causing multiple relapses of compulsions and rituals, delaying and inhibiting fun, function, life, etc;, and seeing the ridiculousness of it but completely inable to face and overcome it. Because the trigger spiked and skyrocketed with work. And always continues and spikes when I think about work, come to work, or have to do the jobs that are triggers that I hate. A place I am at for 40+ hours a week. A very high paced, high stress, demanding atmosphere, that to begin with doesn't align entirely with my career goals and abilities, or a lot of it hardly aligns or meets my morals or lifestyle. And while I am completely grateful to have a job and one for so long, I want to be done. I am fed up. I want a happy healthy work environment doing something I am truly passionate about and excell at and not waste my abilities or talents halfassed-like in a work place where it's only a small percent of what they accommodate due to the wasteful demads of society, the world, and big corporations. There's no time, space or ability here to even begin to heal and or begin to try to get better. The new owner doesn't seem to care about my situation or even coworkers situations. No new employees hired to help with the rush. Only all these changes to ownership and then soon the store will have to be remodled and then at somepoint we will have to be open on Sundays. How am I supposed to get better when there's no support or time allowed or assistance from work in any way or anything. I dream of a fun work from home Graphic Designer Illustrator job, where I can have time to heal and get heathier and to be doing something I love and am passionate about thay actually means something and helps the world in some way. So hello to all who have read my nutshell of a journey. I desperately want to get better and heal and get back to normal. Putting myself out there like this is really hard. But to know and see how many others struggling with the realm of OCD gives me enlightenment and hope and courage. If anyone has tips or information for ERP with Checking OCD, I appreciate to hear your thoughts. Thank you and I hope you have a strong day.

So, I haven't been on this website in a while. I posted once before. Yeah, things have gotten better for me since my last post like I believed. I don't go to therapy or anything. Can't afford it on a weekly basis so I learn on my own. Always self sufficient pretty much. Yeah, I know... I'll feel weak if I went anyway. It's hard for me to trust anyone these days with all the stuff going on too, you know what I'm saying? But I got thinking again about how OCD behaves and even to the level of crippling for some. I was borderline crippled myself after experiencing the loss of a close one. It created a rippling effect within me. And I know how that feels with all the sleepless nights that came with it in the past for me. But I found a nice analogy for myself. I was thinking late at night when I came up with it. So here we go: Look at yourself as a kind of legislator, writing down these OCD laws for yourself which were set forth to help give relief for your own compulsions toward certain things. You believe these OCD laws are good because they provide a sense of comfort and protection for you as long as you 'behave accordingly' AKA doing the compulsive action. You think these laws are your safety net and that it's for the best. But you forget that these laws are really only giving you a false sense of security to your well being. Your laws don't actually make you free if you live by them. They just create the illusion of freedom and only serve to oppress you in the end. True freedom comes from being the outlaw, and not being afraid to break these OCD laws which you ultimately created for yourself as a defense mechanism for your compulsive behavior. If you really want to take back your freedom, start breaking these laws. And just like real outlaws from the wild west days, you will start getting used to breaking these laws without the fear or thought of the consequences. You will then start to realize that the laws you enacted were of no real benefit to you all along. It's ironic, but now the legislator, you, has to finally start breaking your own laws because you learned it was all a mistake and not helping you live the life you truly desire. You're finally getting a glimpse into what true freedom is like, you've awakened. But now, how will your brain react to this defiance of the laws which were already written down and passed by you? The real wild west outlaws feared the sheriff, but you fear how your brain will react to your conscious decision of giving up this false sense of freedom. It's like if you break these OCD laws, then the 'sheriff,' AKA your brain, will try to arrest your psych for it and get you back into your compulsive cycle again. This is what I describe as 'the battle with the self.' You may very well end up in a tug of war between your conscience and your brain along the way, but if you persist in resisting this illusion of security, then your conscience and mind will once again reconcile with your brain's response and peace will ensue, a unity will take place. This is true freedom. The brain will recalibrate and your mind won't feel the struggle anymore. That is my analogy and how I look at OCD as a whole now. I just want to say a couple more things. Your mind and brain are separate properties. OCD shows this to be true and makes you aware of this. They both work together but they are certainly not one of the same. But if there is no equal balance between the two then there is disorder, just like tug of war. Now you see your mind fighting with your brain. You have the ability to make the conscious decision to react or not to react to your brain's response to your urges or anything else for that matter. I know it's very hard but not impossible. It's just easier to react and give in because there is no effort needed to make any changes for yourself, and that's why you do more wishing but without much effort if any. And that can be said for any problem in life like drug addiction, alcoholism, video game addiction and let alone obsessive compulsive disorder. All of these have something in common and that is building resistance to them. Anyway, hope you like my little analogy of the 'sheriff and the rogue legislator' interesting or at least thought provoking. I'm just some 28 year old guy going through the motions with my own life. My somatic OCD is still there but it's far better than before. See you around.

Since March this year, I have been emotionally invested in a 36-year-old woman residing in Kuala Lumpur. I am a 47-year-old, also in Kuala Lumpur. We're both expats. At the age of 16, she was forcibly married off and became a mother soon after, then divorced; an intense trauma that, according to her, triggered her severe OCD and clinical depression. She has been living on her own in Malaysia for the past ten years. In March, she was put on a high, sedative dosage of Clomipramine (10 pills/day), which was further increased in late April. Initially (during the 10-pill baseline in March/April), our digital communication was highly mutual, fluid, and expressive. She would both reciprocate and initiate despite her medication-induced fatigue and long sleeping hours, even initiating a two-hour phone call. While we could not meet in person due to her prolonged sleep cycles, she warmly welcomed and initiated ideas of meeting up once she felt better. However, following the medication increase in late April, her communication patterns underwent a drastic structural shift. That shift was too obvious to ignore. Rather than directly questioning or pressuring her, I chose to educate myself about OCD in the background. I adjusted to a low-pace check-in style (two to three times a week), to which she would often respond with a very short phrase or a hearting reaction. She would continue to view my stories and posts most of the time. Our medium of communication has always been Facebook and Messenger. While I shared my phone number with her, I never asked for her number back or to connect through other social media platforms, for fear of overwhelming her in her current state of mind. On Mother’s Day, I sent her a greeting. She responded with gratitude, sharing that she unexpectedly had to fly to her crisis-torn home country, a high-stress environment, at the request of her ailing father (I presume to see her before he passes). Recognising the massive escalation in her family stressors, I avoided asking for heavy details but maintained my low-pace check-ins, actively avoiding open-ended questions. As a supporter, I have been closely analysing her reactive patterns, and I have noticed a highly specific coping mechanism that I wanted to get your perspective on, as carers/partners of people with severe or highly medicated OCD: - The Filtered Battery: When she has tiny windows of energy, she will actively engage with, "heart," or briefly respond to concrete, non-threatening, and low-stakes messages (e.g., photos of something I cooked or a bouquet of flowers I bought, or a light joke or poem I’d write for her). - The Open-Ended Freeze: Conversely, she will completely bypass or ignore standard, low-effort, open-ended questions like "How are you doing?" or "What is new with your father?". They are prompts I rarely ask, but thought fit the context of her temporary stay back home. Through learning about OCD, I understand the clinical rationale behind this. To a blunted, exhausted brain, "How are you?" requires immense internal processing and emotional accounting, whereas a photo of food is a safe, bounded boundary that allows a micro-connection without any emotional demand. However, as a non-OCD partner, my "understanding battery" frequently runs flat. My natural logic defaults to expecting basic reciprocation (like a standard, automated "I'm fine, thanks"). When that is missing, my anxious mind naturally compares this current pattern to our early March/April communication style, then distorts the silence into a narrative of "she is just losing interest," rather than "this is a medical freeze." While my overthinking and analysis of this are starting to burn me out, I definitely won’t be externalising this to her. - Is the communication shutdown I am observing a typical presentation of heavy Clomipramine titration/blunting combined with environmental trauma? - How do you advise partners to manage this specific "conflict of logics" without burning out? - Specifically, when an OCD partner relies on hyper-filtering communication to survive a flare-up, how can the healthy partner emotionally distinguish between a clinical shutdown and a genuine romantic retreat?