- Date posted
- 2d
Iāve been gone for about a month, mostly because I kept seeing messages on here that felt super anxiety-inducing and not understanding of OCD at all. Honestly, it got to the point where I started getting nervous to even open the app. Lately, Iāve been stuck in this OCD loop that I think might be moral scrupulosity or something like that. Iāve been dealing with this thing where I feel like I have to āchallengeā stuff mentally or verbally, like if I donāt say something out loud, it feels super uncomfortable. And the thoughts are about heavy stuff, like assault or deportation or just really morally loaded topics. My brain starts picking everything apart. Itās like I have to look at things fairly, and then I get trapped in all these little technicalities. For example, if someone gets assaulted, my brain fixates on stuff like āwhat was she wearingāeven though I know how harmful that line of thinking is. That is exactly the kind of thing my mind zooms in on. It happens with a bunch of topics too, not just that. I feel like I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the aggressor or see āboth sides,ā and then I end up doubting the victim. And the worst part is, it feels like I truly believe these devilās advocate thoughts. It feels so real. Itās like I become convinced that the victim might be lying or that thereās some justification for the harm, and I donāt like it. This even happens with my boyfriend and especially his family. Iāll catch my brain flipping narratives or making me question people I trust. this has been a āhabitāfor as long as I can remember but now itās happening so much more. I cannot stop doubting. It feels like Iām siding with people who I should have no doubts to be against. I donāt know what to do or what kind of ERP would work for this. I donāt know how to change this. Itās been apart of me so long, it simply feels like me.