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I feel like crying because I had an intentional bad thought and I’m just like would I actually do that I’m thinking it and it feels like I would

Sometimes my boyfriend tells me things that make absolutely no sense so I think he’s lying. Anyway. He used to be friends with this girl like 2 and a half years ago and they were only friends for like 2 months. He told me she played with his feelings but he never actually liked her and he just wanted friends because he was new to the school. I guess they had exchanged numbers and when he’d text she’d ghost him a little. They made plans to hangout after school one time but those fell through. Anyway, my boyfriend was interested in me half way through the school year, he really liked me, like a lot. He was a senior and I was a junior. He was really good to me and I never felt insecure. The girl was never relevant until maybe a year ago? She had created an insta account which she never used to have and she was in his insta suggestions. They had no mutuals or anything which made me suspicious. One of his close friends is friends with her. I started stalking her page a lot and comparing. She listens to the same exact music as my boyfriend and she’s literally flawless. I’d bring her up a few times over the course of a few months and he always told me that she was ugly and he just wanted a friend. He went to a party she was at and ik the mutual girl friend they have posts her sometimes. Anyway, I looked at her story today because I started overthinking again and she had posted pictures of herself to the song beetles by apex twin. I also brought her up to my boyfriend again because I was overthinking. She goes by Gracie and everyone calls her that but her real name is grace. My boyfriend will switch between the two when talking about her. He says grace is just a typo though. A few hours later my boyfriend had listened to that same exact song, it was on his airbuds. It was the only song by aphex twin on his airbuds too. I want to throw up because there’s no way he didn’t view her story, that’s was too coincidental. Update: he said he saw the sound in an edit but there’s only like 80 posts under that sound on TikTok and I didn’t see an edit. He can’t find the edit in his watch history either. He originally said he saw it on TikTok but I said there’s no edits of it on TikTok and it’s not in his watch history so now he’s saying it might’ve been on YouTube or instagram. He said he doesn’t know her insta account either but now we’re arguing. He wants me to leave because I never believe him. I confront him about something new everyday even though I really don’t mean to be a burden.

UPDATE: I couldnt do it... i couldnt stop posting... this situation is too triggering and thinking about the worst possible outcome scares me... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... (edited)

Before i had Soocd i wasnt aware of what kind of men i like(im a girl) After it i got attached to specific type of men as if i found my type in men.. Many say their prespective and types got ruined due to OCD But mine seems to be different Is it ocd or am i pretending to have a type

Still upset over me almost acting on impulse or felt like an impulse because i would be a c m then I feel like I’m the only one who goes through this

Rant :3 I’ve been doing very very well for myself managing my ocd on my own with erp. I used to be very reactive and give into compulsions. With time, i’ve been resisting the urges to perform compulsions. The more they come up the easier the answers come to me about how I should go about reacting or confronting something I’m facing that isn’t performing compulsions. I’m more in tune with my values and I have more structure around being the healthy person I want to be. That being said ….. 😵‍💫 This week (specifically yesterday) I gave into my compulsions. My bf and I like to give each other silly “what would you do” scenarios. Some are silly and some require a little more thinking because the answer would reflect our values and beliefs. We started off our conversation on the phone being silly and joking. Then I was like hmmm what makes you jealous! And he gives me some examples but for some reason I register his answers as like…not “good enough”? He’s not the jealous type to begin with and I learn that it’s a healthy trait to have as it would make him confident in himself and our relationship. But I’m getting intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous or having a bigger reaction to some scenarios it means he doesn’t care about me or love me that much. I know better than to believe the thoughts but I’m searching for reassurance that he cares about me so I’m giving him more hypothetical scenarios. The more scenarios I gave him, he gave me answers that didn’t validate my intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous/having a bigger reaction= him not caring about me or loving me that much. I got more frustrated and I got snarky or like snappy towards him. To me, his answers that were healthy, not blown out, and not extremely reactive wasn’t enough. I felt like his method on going about the situations (in a healthy way mind you) wasn’t validating my (unhealthy) thoughts. I felt bad for being snappy at him. During our call I was being annoying and doubling down on statements that I didn’t even agree with just to make him upset or frustrated, for the sake of being an opposite to him, brushing it off by saying I’m only joking and pointing a finger back at him. I don’t know why I did that. Like why I decided to bully him/ why I wanted to hurt his feelings. I’m getting over a toxic habit I had where if someone hurt me or disrespected me I felt like I had to give it back or give it even worse. I would do this with my intrusive thoughts and apologize later because of this trait. Maybe it was that toxic behavior coming through. Mayhaps it was also a way to see if he’d still love me, give me reassurance and stay with me if I put him in a position where I’m not being nice or respecting him so it could show how much he’d want to be with me. I knew that the idea of being jealous or having extreme reactive behavior isn’t healthy but I still wanted reassurance regarding that concept anyway. Grrrr >:l. I also apologized and asked if he was okay before we went to bed. He’s fine and not upset with me but I just didn’t like how I was putting him in a corner with these scenarios and called his healthy answers boring because it wasn’t what my intrusive thoughts wanted to hear for validation😵‍💫 I don’t want to ruminate on why I bullied him but I also don’t want it to happen again. Like last week we hung out and in the middle of us chilling in his room I didn’t want to be around him and everything he did annoyed me. The feeling passed after a couple minutes but it was weird as it hasn’t happened before or at least to that degree. This feeling was like a repulse. It felt different than just me being overstimulated and wanting space. Weird. Anyway that’s my rant. Having a fine evening ^v^ hope you angels are too🤍🪽

Over the past couple of weeks, I focused heavily on myself, my reactions and my behaviors. Because I am always willing to grow and develop skills to be a better person... always. I have accepted that I am not perfect a very long time ago. I also know that even in my best efforts I can this make mistakes even as a person without OCD. I learned that my trigger is SAFETY. If something threatens my independent, my way of sustainability and my ability to provide this for myself it triggers a flight or fight. And I usually fight, younger it mostly chose flight. But I grew and developed a sense of You Must Stand Up For Yoyrself or Who Will. Loosing both parents early in age grew me into this. Every decision I made after that was to secure and protect and support me. Because loosing your parents early in age made me feel like there was not floor, no ground beneath my feet. And that was a very scary feeling going through life. Teaching myself mindfulness, hearing my parents voice telling me to do things that right. People I trusted and knew had my best interest in mind. Without them, I lost trust and have been trying so hard to learn how to trust people. Everytime I have tried many have disappointed. Not that all my expectations are extremely high or unreasonable but because I am a simple person with simple needs and wants. I find that when I loosen those simple ropes, boundaries and expectations of myself I faulted. I very well understand I cannot control what others do, say or think. But having a standard for myself is in my control. Some don't understand hiw I can continue to walk with my head high or praise my small wins. To others it's nothing to be grateful or thankful for. To me it is everything. I have also learned that unmasking is never safe, even in the realm of MH and asking for help we you need it. This not saying NOTHING WORKS inside this realm nor ALL are untrustworthy. But I realize that even if a disease or condition is studied and understood that many are not able to understand the struggle. They just cannot see the disturbance of it or how it complicates all that you do and your entire way through life. I'm sorry, a pill is not everything. Not the answer for me even though I take what is prescribed. Learning how to win for one minute, one hour or a day is the greatest accomplishment. That cannot be understood be any person who has not experienced it. They only see the behavior not you. They see the issue but not the person. And that is so sad to me. People with question you, record you and test you and never see the person, never. They are conditioned to the job or their role to perform. They are conditioned to a check list, a diagnosis and a label. They see that but not the person I have not seen hardly any that do. I had only 1 Professional, a doctor in my 20's who did. And she helped me understand my own struggle. Helped to thrive and be successful with it. Her advice and plan worked for all these years. Now that I have new doctors, new therapist, new medicines I have been falling through the cracks. No flooring or ground under my feet. And I feel like it's because me, THE PERSON, is not being seen ONLY the problem. The problem to them and not to me. Have a good day all and keep learning.

I am feeling sad and frustrated today with myself. I have been in therapy for two months and had my meds upped two months ago too. However, my job is extremely stressful and I have been dealing with a set back. I keep getting told to set boundaries or even quit but financially I can't and can't afford to lose my medical insurance. Anyone have any tips on how to deal when stress makes the OCD worse?

Hey, so I don't have ROCD, but my boyfriend does. And I'm kinda worried. Is it going to last forever? I don't want him to live with that disorder for the rest of his life. He is going to start doing ERP. I've read a tons of books about the process of ROCD recovery. I looked for articles, posts on Instagram, I googled, I asked ChatGPT and yet I'm still worried it won't get better. Everytimes he tells me about his thoughts, about how maybe I'm not the one, about how he potentially doesn't love me, it hurts. I know he must be suffering more than I am, but its still an horrible feeling. I keep telling myself that this is not him, that it is his ROCD talking and stuff, but I don't know.. Its just, a lot to handle. Can someone help me? If you recovered from ROCD please tell me. Tell me how it is. Tell me how you live with it. Are you happy in your relationship? Do you want to spend your life with this person? Are the thoughts still there but you manage to live with it? And as his girlfriend, what should I do if he keeps telling me those thoughts? I have so many questions

Hi everyone, I’m considering starting therapy and possibly SSRIs for HOCD, but I have a few questions I’m hoping you can help with before I dive in. Right now, I often get fleeting images, mental scenarios, and emotional sensations sometimes sexualized, sometimes just “feeling into” a scene involving women. These sensations trigger a lot of panic and anxiety, and I constantly worry that they’re proof of hidden desire or orientation. Or its genuinely me.. I’m wonderingAfter therapy and/or SSRIs, will these images and sensations stop completely, or will they still appear but feel neutral? Will I experience them in the future and potentially feel anxious, or will HOCD lose its power over them? How do you approach these sensations in treatment do they naturally fade, or is the goal more about learning to experience them without panic or meaning?(do this waay the lose their power and stop interfering??) I want to start therapy, but I’m nervous because I feel like I might always have these thoughts or sensations, and I would end up liking them😞 Im done it makes me feel like its better not to approach for therapy self help would be best..

I am slowly learning to allow myself to be in distress. By allowing this, I can move forward and actually deal with real life in a more objective and positive manner. It may seem easy to some but I have lived a reactionary OCD led life for many years. Never knowing how I would react. NOCD therapy has really opened my eyes to challenging those lies, living in the present, and learning to see truth. I will be a lifelong overcomer as I continue to move forward.

Do anyone do behavioural supressions like avoiding fantasies,daydreams,scenario that creaate spiral? Chatgpt todl me its a supression I dotn do it cause of anxiety whaat if i like it (Wait now i feel like i like it) help how do i calm down)

I feel like I want to be lesbian. I want to cry. I gave into compulsions and I went on lesbian TikTok. It feels like something I want to try and do and that I’d be happier. Why is it so real. I don’t want to be lesbian but I feel like I’m pushing down the truth. How do I stop giving into these compulsions and feel better, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even remember being straight or liking men. I hate this.

I've always had trouble completing tasks without procrastinating or just feeling stuck and unable to do anything. My psychiatrist suspects ADHD, but I haven't been diagnosed. Still, I need to figure out how to manage this issue of mine better. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice? I don't know if this is an OCD issue or what... Part of it may be, since I create unnecessary requirements for myself in order to do things. For example, before I do any work, I need to eat. I watch something while I eat, and then I need to let the food settle before I start anything, and the list keeps going. It's been like this for YEARS, but it's become more of an issue as I've gotten older. I've always had high grades, but it's just sitting down, getting started, and staying seated that I struggle with. I'm guilty of checking my phone a lot and getting distracted with things that have NOTHING to do with the tasks at hand. I just have no idea what to do... I feel guilty about this. In the past, I've tried following schedules, but I can never keep on one 🥲 I'm going to continue to try things, but I thought I'd ask here to see if anyone had advice?

Im making this post not because Im currently anxious (even though i am currently triggered) but because i want to make this message for those who currently struggle as much as i do... What I will tell you is that you are loved... you don't have to agree with it... you even can label it as something you disagree with or hate... but you are loved regardless. And you are cared for... and you have people who will show you endless compassion... this is not something I will expect you to get yet, mostly because just like me, you are stuck in the spiral too... I know how you feel because I hate myself too... I hate myself so much that anyone who tells me that they love me, I refuse to believe and brush off because the thought of loving myself has become inconceivable to me. I have POCD and real events OCD for christs sake... I have done genuine horrible things as a 13-14 year old... things I will probably never forgive myself for as long as I live... but this does not have to be you... You might think "ive done horrible things, therefore I cannot be forgiven for the things ive done" and I know because Im just like you... the main difference between us is that I have actually done genuinely horrible things as a 13-14 year old that would make people despise, vilify, and even hate me. Thats not you. You are someone who either A. was a kid when it happened, so you cannot blame yourself for a childs mind and actions, or B. Realize that you are someone here because you understand that what you are going through is something that other people have gone through... you arent alone... no one ever is... but I might disagree because I'm probably the most alone out of everyone. Recognize that this community will fight tooth and nail to help and defend you and recognize that you are in a community full of the 1 percent of people on this planet, that give a shit about you... these people (whether they've blocked me or not) can recognize that your suffering is not the fault of your own, but through the fault of a chemical imbalance in their heads that torments them endlessly with intrusive thoughts, feelings, and even your own past... you arent alone... you never really are in this place... Im the exception however... One last sentence before I go. As the 11th doctor once said... "You are forgiven... always and completely forgiven..." P.S. please don't ask me what my real events were... they were genuinely extremely horrible and I refuse to discuss it with anyone unless its my mom (who knows what happened) or a therapist in the distant future... this isnt about me... this is about all of you.

Upset because a girl I met probably thinks I’m a p because she told me about this job and it involves with kids and I told her that “I can’t work with kids because I get triggered” and she said “ohh 😥” I said “OCD” she said “it’s OK I understand” and now I feel like she thinks that I’m a terrible person or she thinks I’m a p because I cannot fake it even if I need a job I don’t think it’s worth my mental health me going every day at home thinking if I did something to a kid, I would literally lose my mind.

With all the unintentional and intentional harm ive done, I keep thinking about the girl I like... she told me recently she felt scared for me because of my mental health decline, and I cant even tell her anything about my real events or my intrusive thoughts, because she would likely call me a disgusting freak, a perverted weirdo, or both... I genuinely hate living right now... I can't stand myself... When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl at our school's explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 18, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to when I was 19... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I unintentionally hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... You said you made mistakes when you were a teen... these were my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope all you dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here...

I was driving through a intersection and a guy on bike came into my lane when I had the right of way. I got a bit frustrated at him not follwoing the rules so I tried to break check him (without wishing him any harm, nor did I intended for him to get into an accident because of me). Beacuse he had made a u-turn and was now on my right side while break chehcking I turned a bit to the right too (not intending any harm to him, just wanted to tease him cause of the situation) he slightly touched my car. I felt bad so I checked all my mirrors. I remember at that time he moved to the left. How I know that? The guy was wearing a black helmet with another guy sitting behind him. So my mind tracked these 2 factors at that time assuring me that the black helmet bike guy was not harmed due to my due diligence. Becuase I felt bad about the sitiation I instead of speeding away kept my speed slow at first hoping if he was angry he'd pull up besides me. But the black helmet guy was also not too fast. He seemed he had shrugged it off, niether any other passengers on car or bike called me out or followed me (if any harm/accident had happened). So after this conclusion that he was not harmed (checking the mirrors/keeping a slow speed) I gradually increased my speed and got home. The ride back home I made prayers for forgiveness and and vowed not to do break checking and stuff like that again beacuse I was lucky nothing bad had happened this time around. Till this point (driving back home till I Slept) I had no OCD or false memory.I got home did my work but this incident kept coming back with guilt and it was all good (meaning no False memory till now). Then when I was about to go to sleep my brain started making worse scenerios that what if he had gotten hurt or worse.I have played the memory a thousand times and no one fell. Even my brother who was in the passenger seat, said I guess he just touched our car and did not fell. Even I didn't find any major scratch on the car confirming it was not a big deal cause we weren't that fast either casue its a major intersection. But still the false memroy keeps haunting me that what if I had harmed him/ hurt him. I wish for this to go away as evey other second this false thought of me causing the bike guy harm keeps haunting me.The fact that I initiated it as a simple break check to just get back at him (not intending any harm) makes it even worse for me. Cause now OCD is making me acountable for a false memory in my head (well I do say I was wrong and I could have brushed it off by not break checking. But all happened in a split second).

My childhood boyfriend’s grandmother passed away in 2023. I had not been around his grandmother alone since 2016 when I was 22 years old. I loved her just like I loved my great grandmother who passed away on me in 2022. I didn’t think anything of his grandmothers passing. She was in her 90’s, just like my grandmother. Last year, I was having an episode already, I was completely spiraling and just not myself ever since my grandmother passed away. He came to visit me because I moved out of town years prior. What kind of sparked this is, at the time ( 2024) I was watching a special on tv about poisons and etc. I started to think like.. poison is a way you can kill someone and not even be around them. When I used to have intrusive thoughts when I would spend a night at other people’s home. To calm myself, I would say “ if every one was still alive when I left then I did NOT do anything crazy in my sleep or etc” which would calm me down. I started to panic like have I ever poison anyone? What if something came over me in my sleep or the middle of the night and I did something sick ? He doesn’t know about my depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts. I hide and compartmentalize very well. I remember looking at him and I started to lose my thoughts about his grandmother out of nowhere ( just like I did my own grandmother after she passed away) . I started to think Like what if one night when I was alone with her in 2016. What if I snuck in her kitchen at night while she was asleep and poisoned her water bottle with diluted house hold bleach ? What if she passed away in 2023 because of me ? Wouldn’t her doctor have seen signs of a poisoning way back in 2016 ? It wouldn’t take her 7 years to pass away from a poisoning ? I was in my early 20’s back then. I wore contacts , which means that I couldn’t see at night without them. I always took them out every night. I also did not know anything about poison or bleach. I never even washed my own clothes back then 😩😩 Also his grandma was very able body. She was NOY helpless at all. I never cooked for her or anything. But I keep having flash backs of a specific night. It’s like a crazy image of me going in her kitchen and poisoning her water supply with bleach.

Throughout my teenage years, i did some horrible things that I absolutely regret now... either involuntarily or voluntarily, I hurt people... and I will regret my actions till the end of time. While I aspire to be a naval medical officer, and currently a nationally licensed EMT, this does not atone for my mistakes, nor does it remove accountability for what ive done... for anyone that I have hurt... no matter how big or small... im sorry... for everything... and I will be better as an adult in the future, and raise my future family to be better than I could ever be ... (edited)