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I am currently managing my contamination ocd using erp all while under very peculiar and non ideal living conditions. I am wondering if there’s anyone out there who can relate hehe. Im currently living in a space that isn’t technically classified as any home space as i am in a room that is inside a business building. To be more specific, it’s an independent space where I don’t have to make contact with anyone or see anyone if I don’t want to in order to be living here but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people on the other side of my walls lol. Im in this position as a result of my old living situation that happened in my home state when I was a child and this is the only place my parent can afford and save simultaneously. To shower, I have to use our sink and luckily there is a drain in the bathroom. Ive gotten used to it being apart of my routine so I’m not as cold as I used to be like when I was in middle school, standing soaking wet trying to finish my shower bevause you can’t have constant warm running water on you. The reason I even have ocd is stemmed from the stressful living conditions i was under due to a parent. My family of 5 total shared a 2 bedroom apartment and this parents brother (my uncle) decided to gift us a dog all while our restrictions to living in that space meant we could not own pets. This incompetent parent decided to keep it and I spent the rest of my years living in that space all while having a dog stressed because it felt like at any moment we could get in trouble. My other parent split from them and took my sibling and I to another state and now youre caught up lol. Anyway, just ranting because this lifestyle seems embarrassing but ive been itching to just tell someone because it’s also stressful. Stressful because now im in another position where “I could get in trouble at any time” and I just want a lifestyle for myself where I can relax my shoulders and feel safe, with a shower lol. It feels like ive been under stressful conditions since childhood and I just want to have normalcy. This seems a bit sad to admit but sometimes I look at homes or even forms of media where people are doing just about anything and I’ll picture myself in their space and how nice it would be to use their normal functioning shower and whatnot. I know my life is only getting better from here as my parent and I work hard to be in a better place so I’m trying not to wallow in sadness as it’s only a matter of time i can have that normalcy 🤍 Thats my little rant about my life hehe it feels nice to get it out since it feels like a detail im too embarrassed to admit to people who aren’t my parent or sibling. It’s funny, I have known my boyfriend since 2023, became official in 2025, and barely admitted this detail in my life to him this past summer to which he said he would have never guessed i was in this position and is very supportive. (I hid this very well I guess) :3 Anyway, thnx for reading 🤍🐇 Sweet dreams xx

ik ps can look like and act like anyone but i am scared Ik the stereotype of a p is someone who is like shut in, no friends, unattractive, corn addiction Before all this i already had bad social anxiety and critical about my looks, but at least then i knew the problem was just i had to work on lke people skills and self esteem Like i was just an average loser college girl and thats it But now any compassion or assurance i have in myself is completely gone. I feel fear when i look in the mirror and feel ugly, because it feels im already that stereotype and already a p. I fear that because of my looks i was always just going to end up a horrible person because my self esteem made me look for attention in bad places and be exposed to horrific things, i wasnt able to experience normal relationships like other girls But it was all my choice to do those things!! At the time i just felt miserable and insecure and honestly just didnt put enough effort into normal human interaction I just dont feel like a normal person!! Like i know theres nothing special about me but i feel like an alien Ive always considered alt clothing to be cool but i feel like in some way if id start wearing alt clothing Ill fullfill some sort of stereotype like its just manifesting like itll happen So i just want to resort to free and “clean” looking ways of dress idk?? Also i watched a video talking about how someones name like “manifests” their future like Usain BOLT - fastest man alive And im just like was i always DESTINED to become/be a horrible sick person ??? As for the addiction i cold turkeyed stopped interacting with it after my thoughts starting coming in because i was so horrified that maybe it started to rewire my brain and i was becoming or already became a monster But now im thinking because ik a p can be literally anyone doesnt matter what they look like that makes it worse because its like its coming for me theres no hope it doesnt matter if i try to prevent it I feel sick

I’m struggling this week to stop picking my fingers. They are getting really red and inflamed. I’ve put band aids on them to hopefully stop me need to pick but I just tear the band aids off so I can continue picking… 🙄 I have a lot of general anxiety and personal trauma that I’m moving through right now. But I’m not sure why this compulsion is so strong. I can’t identify and specific fear behind the picking. It’s just a habitual never ending action… any tips on body focused behaviors?

I’d love some erp ideas! I suffer with magical thinking ocd, mental contamination, harm ocd, pocd, health ocd. All of it!! Mental contamination is the worst one so far. They all like to take turns at being the star of the show but mental contamination is the worst one by far. I can’t buy shit because the fucker is contaminated somehow. I also deal with memory ocd which I try to remember something I did that I might not have done in the first place and trying to organize everything I’ve done,or the amount of times I was embarrassed, was wrong or ashamed of. Maybe I deal with some guilt ocd even if it’s not bad, just silly as hell. I try to remember shit that didn’t happen or try to organize shit in my head. It’s just never helpful. I end up ruminating and doing compulsions. I start getting confused about everything because my brain is so wrapped up in trying to help myself ease the anxiety and so it has no room for other important tasks. I dissociate a lot. I do have trauma so that is definitely one of the underlying reasons for certain. I get ocd while typing too. I get a bad image or thought and for it to not be or become true, or if I don’t want it to happen I gotta delete what I wrote and start fresh or I’m doomed. It happens no matter what I’m doing. When I’m doing a coping skill like reading, drawing, coloring, sitting with my journal, etc. it always goes after things I enjoy and gives me thoughts I don’t want to think of. It causes intense suffering. OCD literally holds a stick and just pokes me for fun. I start dealing with health ocd bc when my ocd gets bad, I get mentally ill and forget, repeat things that don’t need to be repeated bc it’s just feeding the ocd, I think there is something terribly wrong with me. I think I’m mentally sick and physically sick and just don’t know it yet. NOOCD doesn’t take my insurance. It’s bullshit. I’m not picky with a counselor to talk about life and sadness or whatever but when it comes to my OCD, they need to care, understand to the root, have it, or studied it all for years. If I had one wish that would come true, it would be to cure my ocd. I’d take that wish over winning a billion dollars. That says I’m suffering. It’s not a joke. People laugh or find us dumb but they don’t know how it feels to fist fight with your head. It’s not fun. I have a counselor outside of this. But, ocd isn’t one of her studies. Trauma is which can help ocd because ocd I learned so our body’s way of trying to find some control, while just losing it because we’re not trying to find control in the way we’re supposed to so we unintentionally/subconsciously find different ways without even realizing it. I think it’s a survival technique that isn’t helpful to us obviously. Although ocd can be stemmed from trauma, it’s also a separate mental illness so I need to find the right tools for me. I’d appreciate it if anyone can maybe comment some erp skills that have been effective although difficult at first to get down, I’d be forever grateful. Anything helps.

I have had OCD since I was 16. I had 2 major episodes in high school, got through them, and was doing getter. Always had the intrusive thoughts and minor compulsions but it was manageable. I recently graduated with my doctorate and will be starting as a FNP soon. Of course, my OCD is flaring now. Started out with health, now scrupulosity. I do really think it’s getting better, but I’m exhausted and depressed. I’m not severe enough for inpatient hospitalization, and I don’t know that I need an outpatient hospitalization program, but I’m so sick of waking up anxious every morning, crying, having a minor panic attack, then going on like nothing is wrong when my body feels like it’s dying. And since it’s religious, it’s hard to just “let the thoughts be thoughts.” Idk, anyone else have a flare with tips to get through it. It has been going on 2.5 weeks now. They increased my Zoloft last week and gave me some Xanax for the panic symptoms, but I think I’m leaning towards some depression. Just wanting some advice, encouragement, etc.

20++++ I’m definitely a p I walked out of the kitchen and saw my brother wearing the leggings pijama pants and saw that he was wearing the long sleeve shirt and when I went into the room I went to change my pants because I spilled juice on it and didn’t want to attract bugs and I wanted to put the pants in the washing machine then it’s like I thought im going out there to see my brother wearing that long sleeve shirt with the tight pants I swear I felt like I was attracted….and when I went out I was looking at him for a moment looked away and then looked….this is definitely p because I even thought he looked good

I’ve been doing a form of ERP for a few months. I want to stop doing compulsions all together now but taking that leap is a struggle. I mostly struggle with magical thinking OCD and one of my compulsions is going back to where I had the intrusive thought and redoing whatever it was to feel like it’s less likely to manifest in reality. This would mean if in a few weeks or months from now I can’t take the uncertainty anymore, I’d have to ‘go back’ and undo all progress I would’ve made in other areas of my life for the compulsion to feel complete. This could mean if I’ve cleaned my room, making it messy again for example. So stopping is a big commitment and I don’t know when I’ll be ready enough to make the jump.

I don’t really consider myself someone who gives advice, especially because I still struggle with OCD myself, so take this with a grain of salt. But after dealing with OCD for about 5 years, and having two years that were probably the worst I’ve ever experienced, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about what it’s like to live with this shit. I’m in a flare up again right now, and honestly, when it first started I was terrified. My biggest fear was going back to those two years that felt like the worst fucking years of my life. But looking back now, I realized something I didn’t see while I was in it. I still lived my life. Those two years felt like I was doing nothing but surviving. I had so much anxiety, fear, rumination, intrusive thoughts, paranoia, anger, and so much negative self-talk. I hated how I felt and constantly thought, “This is my life now.” But today I was looking back at pictures and memories from those years, and wow. I traveled. I celebrated holidays. I spent time with my family. I went out. I played my favorite games. I tried new things. Tried new foods. I made memories with my husband and my son. I still did things I enjoyed, even when OCD was screaming in the background. And honestly, that realization has helped me a lot this time around. So if I could say anything to someone struggling, it would just be keep living your life. Not in some cheesy “everything is going to be amazing!” way because sometimes it fucking sucks. Some days you’re going to feel like shit. Some days OCD will be loud as hell. Some days ocd will feel tolerable. And some days might actually feel great. But you can still live while it’s there. Find little things you enjoy. Go out. Talk to your people. Play your games. Watch your shows. Make plans. Do things even if you don’t feel 100% like yourself. And try to be a little kinder to yourself too. I was SO mean to myself during those two years. Everything was negative. “My life sucks. I suck. Everything is ruined.” And obviously that didn’t exactly make me feel better. I’m still learning all of this myself, but I’ve started looking at these things as little habits I have to keep practicing. Finding the good, being kinder to myself, accepting that I won’t always have answers or certainty, and just continuing to show up. I’m not saying this is the answer to OCD or that it will magically make it go away. I’m just sharing something I’ve personally realized that has helped me look at this flare up a little differently. OCD can be loud as hell, but it doesn’t have to be the only thing happening in your life. ❤️

Not seeking reassurance, just sharing. I was talking to a friend of mine today and a lie I told when I first mentioned my OCD to her got brought up. She knows the focus of my OCD is morality, but I lead her to believe the main focus of it is about fearing I’m racist. While this is a fixation of mine, it is not my most debilitating fear and it’s not what I’m actively being treated for. The theme destroying my life right now is POCD, but I hate telling people that for fear that they’ll assume I am what I fear I could be. I feel a lot of guilt about this, as if hiding it makes it more likely to be true. I also feel compelled to reach back out to her and confess the truth, which I know is a compulsion and I’m trying to resist, but then I spiral thinking am I resisting a compulsion or do I want to hide it because deep down I know it’s true and I don’t want anyone to find out, even myself. I also feel guilty for using a fixation on racism as the stand in for POCD, like that in and of itself is racist and an example of how I’m not taking being antiracist seriously enough. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her the truth. I’ve told other people I’m close to, and haven’t had a negative reaction. It actually scares me how easily people dismiss the possibility that this isn’t POCD but fear of a latent desire. Like they aren’t looking close enough and if they ever did they would realize that I am the horrible thing. This post has become a bit of a rumination spiral so I’m going to stop it here, but I just wanted to share and maybe see if anyone has struggled with something similar.

hi! i’m lyndsey. i’m 22, and im struggling. about 4 years ago, i had my first panic attack - not an anxiety attack, a true, severe panic attack and it was on a plane. it made me physically sick (i get extremely nauseous) which then lead me to have health anxiety/ health ocd, agoraphobia. after struggling - at the time - i started medication, zoloft to be exact at 50mg. i have done great for the last 4 years. rarely any anxiety at all, no thoughts of health concerns, panic attacks quit. i thought i beat it. i lived my life and enjoyed it so much i even moved to a new city, alone! new york!!!!!! then, weirdly, i had a panic attack about 3 months ago now. i’m not sure why it happened, where it stemmed from. but since, i have completely gone in a spiral. back to googling, i’ve went to the ER twice now just this month. i’ve been housebound *mostly bed bound because im so full of fear. and the physical symptoms don’t help the health anxiety / ocd at all. obviously. my zoloft is not helping anymore, my doctor tried to put me up to 75mg, still not a budge. i’m now taking 50mg hydroxyzine, every 6 hours as needed. i take it twice a day mostly because i have a panic attack almost every morning and every night. i can’t sleep. i have the worst insomnia. i try tea, i try to meditate, nothing is really helping. any tips???? anyone else have severe physical symptoms? *headache for days / weeks (head pressure, head pains) *neck pain (like my head is too heavy) *dizziness / vertigo *fatigue *not wanting to eat *jaw pain *arm tingles, leg numbness *nausea *shaking, trembling, buzzing in body? *hot then cold then hot then cold (body temp not regulating) *heavy chest *etc.

I keep asking that everything be ethical & God fails to answer, leading to ne spiralling. So I've drawn the conclusion He doesn't exist. I'm not asking for big things. Not money, not a partner, not all the big ticket items...I'm prepared to suffer on that front. Just small requirements of ethics. Zero answer. My 24 hr spiral. So? He can't exist...but I'll continue the Bayesian study for certainty & science. One simple prayer. One! Morality. Anyone who challenges me, the pastor, my parents (esp dad), my sister etc. It's simple, tell Him to answer the prayer. It's easier test than Gideon's fleece experiment. It just requires God to exist & God to care...

I’m watching Lightyear and something in the movie triggered a moral-scrupulosity loop for me. There’s a really sweet storyline involving Buzz’s friend, who falls in love with a woman, gets engaged, gets married, has a child, and grows old with her family. It struck me because it reminded me of an uncomfortable conversation I had with a colleague some time ago. My colleague was complaining about gay and trans people and about children supposedly being “taught to be gay" by LGBTQIA + teachers. I disagreed with her, but I also desperately wanted the conversation to end because we were at work and I didn’t want to have a political/religious argument with a colleague. The problem is that she can be extremely relentless in conversations. Even when I try to politely disagree or I stay silent she keeps going. I’ve had similar experiences with her making comments about foreigners, vegans, other religions, etc. During the conversation about LGBTQIA+ people, I tried to explain that when I was growing up, there were children’s books that introduced kids to different kinds of families and circumstances — divorce, single-parent households, different backgrounds, etc. My point was basically that children learning that people live differently doesn’t somehow change who the child is. It can simply teach them that different people and families exist. Also it can make LGBTQIA+ kids feel free when the time comes in their teens that we start liking people romantically. But because I was speaking spontaneously and trying to get out of an uncomfortable conversation, I muddled my explanation. I know that there's a strong chance that in my muddled speech I could've lied by omission or confusion that I read books on gay parenting as a child. Ever since then, my OCD has latched onto the possibility that my muddled explanation may have made it sound as though I personally remembered reading children’s books about gay parents when I was young. Now my OCD keeps saying: I (accidentally) made it sound like I personally saw children’s books about two mothers when I was young? she interpreted me that way? I didn’t correct that possible misunderstanding, thus I was lying by omission? Should I go back and clarify exactly what I meant months later? There’s another layer too. I sometimes feel enormous guilt if I don’t defend my actual political or moral beliefs “correctly.” I start thinking I’ve been a bad ally, that people will assume I agree with prejudiced views, or that some imaginary audience is going to expose or “cancel” me for not saying exactly the right thing. Watching Lightyear made me think, “THIS is what I was trying to explain.” The storyline isn’t sexual like my colleague was implying children book stories on the LGBTQIA+. It’s basically: she fell in love, got engaged, married, had a family. The exact same storyline could have been written for a heterosexual couple. Children simply see that another kind of family exists. And immediately my OCD turned that realization into: "youre a liar (even if it was due to confusion)! You arent moral at all. You let someone misunderstand you." On the day of the chat with the colleague I spoke to chatgpt about the incident & was advised not to reopen the conversation just to obtain certainty or morally “clean up” everything I said. So I tried to sit with it. Now it pops up again during this film months later and OCD wants the case reopened. Does anyone else with moral scrupulosity get this urge to revisit conversations or (possible) mistakes and make sure you were completely accurate, morally consistent, and impossible to misunderstand? Or feel bad when there was a misunderstanding liar. It feels like OCD turns every imperfect conversation into a courtroom transcript.

What was the lowest point of your H OCD, mental intrusive thoughts, depression, DPDR and other mental disorders ? Pls explain im in the worst place right now. (I don’t know if i will experience any psychosis later or not im down)

I will apologize in advance for the long post. I went to a big city with some friends a few months ago and went to a place I am not proud of and highly regret. I had not told my wife about this. We were getting ready to try to get pregnant, and while praying I felt conviction to tell my wife of what I had done. For this, I don't regret my decision. She deserved to know. On Sunday, afternoon, I simply told her that we had went to this place. I did not go into details of what all we had done while we were in there. I took some sleeping meds and went to bed early. The next day, I felt guilt and shame for what I had done. I felt as if I was hiding things from her and not being completely transparent. Tuesday, I sit her down and told her exactly what we had done while we were in said location. I gave her names of who was with me, how long we were there. I felt a relief as I felt as if I had told her everything. I took a sleeping aid and went to bed. The next day, I felt more shame for what I had done. I replayed the event in my head. I called my friends that were with me and seen how they felt about the situation. I felt as if I may have done more than I confessed to. I didn't know if these details were true. I had major chest pressure that would not go away. When I got home, I told my wife that I didn't know if I actually did these things, but to make her decision if our marriage would work based on the fact that I did these things because I don't know. Then, I got to reading the bible about where this fit religiously. Does it classify as adultery? Does it disqualify me from ever being a religious leader? The anxiety from reading scripture would cause emotions that are hard to describe. I seeked advice from two of my religious co-workers and a family friend that caused temporary relief, but the anxiety came back. Then, being afraid of not being transparent with my wife, I told my wife about looking at pictures of other people on Instagram. She said some of this stuff I have done is creepy. My mother had a rough childhood from her stepdad, and now because of some of this, I have been "what if" myself about if I will turn into that person. I guess my main question is: have I always had OCD or is it something that I just started? I have always been obsessive over things-trucks, coolers, money. I have been indecisive. Order something, get buyer's remorse. Try to cancel the order. But I've never felt anything like I have over this moment. I know it is extremely personal which is understandable, but it is tough to process. About a week into all of this, I went to the doctor to get some help with calming my brain so I could focus at work. She gave me hydroxyzine as a short term and fluoxetine for long term. While I was taking hydroxyzine, it was like it toned out all outside noise and made my brain just focus on the faults I have and what this meant about me. I have since stopped that medicine. I am about a month into this. I am certainly a lot better. Our marriage is going to survive. But I still have thoughts about what this means about me, or I compare myself to others around me, or get triggered by something said on tv, or if I see one of my friends that was there that night.

New to the app, 44 yrs old and trying to connect with others that have similar problems. Ive probably had this for a while but its been worse since a car accident in March 2024. Ive been unable to work since, due to severe back problems and intrusive thoughts annoy me frequently. Not feeling like im enough in multiple different ways. Money worries, loneliness and depression to say the least and im married with 3 kids and 2 at home. Already on script for nerve problems(Amitryptiline) and wondering if thats making worse or better?? Was helping with pains but idk if its whats making me more obsessive, I also pick at my fingers at times. Thanks!!!

DOES NOT HELP!!!! Had SOOCD/HOCD in 2016, at my 14 years, and then its back again 10 years later all of a sudden, during a burnout that made me stay away from my job for a week. I KNOW WHAT I AM AND WHAT I’M NOT! When I’m not in crisis I don’t even THINK about my sexuality cause of how certain I am. I am happily married and with kids, I always dreamed about marrying a man like my husband. BUT, when OCD comes, I suddently don’t know anything it seems. And I see some therapists saying that we have to accept uncertainty… But I AM certain, just OCD keeps fighting my own belief and identity of myself!

Hello. I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I recently saw a new psychiatrist because I moved and could no longer see my old one. I told her about some of my struggles and she mentioned that I may have OCD. I immediately dismissed it because I had a false preconception that OCD is mainly repetitive tasks like hand washing, etc. and didn't entertain the idea. On Monday, I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her what my psychiatrist said. We then discussed it in a little more detail and that's when I realized how much of OCD is in your head. After the appointment Monday PM I could not stop researching OCD. I went down a complete spiral and spent hours looking up symptoms and signs and questioning every event and interaction in my life wondering if it may be OCD. It felt like my whole world was flipped upside down and the floodgates opened. I started remembering things that were likely OCD that I thought was just severe anxiety but now make more sense. Then I started questioning if I am just imagining things now because someone mentioned OCD and my brain is trying to invent symptoms to match what I was reading. I kept looking up more things, reading the same information over and over to "confirm" I had it... and every time I thought I had myself convinced that I do have it - I started questioning it again... this went on for several hours until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. I woke up yesterday morning and it was the first thought in my head. I started replaying past events and wondering if it was OCD related... just questioning my whole life. Nothing felt real anymore. I cried so many times yesterday and I wasn't even sure why. There are so many things that make me feel like I definitely have it but then I just keep thinking maybe I don't? How do I stop? I feel like now that I have this information I don't know what to do with it. I would really love to talk to someone who has been through similar or can ask for advice. I just feel so overwhelmed.

Hi everyone- I have been diagnosed and working through therapy and processing the fact I been have OCD, but have yet to talk to my husband about it. It’s like I have the entire convo in my head prior to even bringing it up and get overwhelmed so I just don’t bring it up. It’s a secret at this point and it’s really effecting me and our relationship. It’s like I’m living a lie. Anyone else here have a hard time talking to heir partner about even having ocd? How can I explain this to someone who I’ve been with for 18 years? To make things harder, one of our best friends has severe OCD and it literally destroyed her career, marriage and relationships as she never truly worked on her OCD so that makes us both fearful of the whole thing too. Thank you for your kind words I’m advance as I’m sure others have been in this position!

I’m sure others can relate but sometimes feeling alone can hit so hard especially by family. I kinda got my feelings hurt earlier and I try to understand that my mom lived in a different generation so she’ll never fully get it or understand anxiety or OCDs struggles. She’s been complaining to me about work and job finding due to stressful reasons. I hear her and I’m trying to find work but getting a job now is really hard I’ve applied to many places and have only had 3 interviews/responses. Some jobs were too far and others just didn’t have a decent schedule. However I know work is work and I won’t lie my harm OCD has ruined a lot too, even though I’ve applied and done interviews I get bad panic attacks and shoot part of the reason for one job I almost got I declined because I was having bad harm ocd anxiety about it since I’m scared of having panic attacks at work or me losing it (harm ocd thoughts 😞). It’s so annoying and I hate it, however the main reason was also because it was really really far too and my mom doesnt wanna drive all the way out there all the time. Other than that places have barely replied. I know my mom is trying to help in her own way but it’s the way she compared this one friend of hers anxiety to mines. To be fair I’ve never met her friend so I’m not bashing or saying mines is worse, but my mom basically invalidated my anxiety, she started to tell me that her friends anxiety is actually chronic and that she deals with worse because she has had worse anxiety problems than I have and that mines is not as bad and it’s better than hers. Even though I’ve had severe panic attacks, almost every night, I have avoided leaving the house for months and months before, I’ve panicked in public, I do a lot of compulsions to calm down, I struggle with themes she’ll never understand and her saying that made me feel like I’m just being extra and maybe so but she knows I have bad anxiety so I don’t get why she said mines isn’t chronic or isn’t a real struggle like her friend…and that’s the thing when it comes to others who have anxiety she’s so nice but when it’s me it’s pressure, pushiness and her getting mad because she doesn’t understand why I’m this way, and it’s always the “oh back in my day we actually had things to worry about now and days yall have it easier” Type of thing…It’s just so frustrating because family should comfort and be there and mines can’t even do that for me :/. I wanna get help and therapy for my harm ocd but I have to wait to save up more since a lot of ocd therapists are very pricey. I still wanna get better and shoot there were periods of time during my harm OCD where I was doing better but now it’s like back to square root 1. Either way I hope everyone is doing well and remember we can get through all this together.

I'm in my 30s and only discovered I had OCD when I decided to try therapy half a year ago. As I've been exploring my OCD, it's really started to sink in that so much of who I think of myself as, my personality, my interests, my "story", it's all rooted in my OCD. I felt like there was something different about me ever since I was a kid, and that feeling never stopped growing. I thought maybe I was just unique, thoughtful, "deep", someone that didn't fit in because I was special, an idealist. But it turns out I was just trapped in my head, entertaining a constant barrage of thoughts, doubts, and questions I couldn't answer. Who am I? How does everyone else know who they are? How should I act so people don't dislike me? What would make me a good person? If I'm good will I fit in? What should I study? How should I dress? What will make me happy? Why does the thing that made me happy yesterday not make me happy today? What's the thing that will make me happy everyday? What should I do with every minute of my life? Years went by while I lived in this whirlpool of uncertainty. I suffered quietly. I was often exhausted, and I didn't have the energy or confidence to live to the fullest. I felt like an alien, and that everyone else could tell. I coped with it by always choosing the safest possible action, or what just "felt right" in the face of infinity "I don't knows". I spent most of my time alone, or with my few but precious friends. I was sometimes depressed, but mostly scared. But even though I felt trapped and stuck, time gradually gave me insight. I did learn more about myself. How to be me, and kinda feel good about it. But I feel so incredibly behind too. There's so much I missed out on because I didn't know how to cope with a condition I didn't even know I had. I chose a career out of uncertainty and it's plain as day it's not what I'd choose if I could do it all over. Until now I never even dated. A great step up that I finally started trying, but the slightest mistep hurls me into a rumination sensation. Today in therapy I was just venting about this and that, just the little things, and suddenly these words came out: "I feel like I was robbed". I got more emotional than I've ever been in front of my therapist. She taught me that once we get to a certain point in our recovery, we can't help but grieve. In particular, when you learn to manage it. When you finally know some peace, and you realize that peace is just what's normal for everyone else. I hope to know some more peace, and make up for what was lost. Maybe make what could have been, what is.