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Hi all. I’m kinda losing my marbles rn I don’t feel very anxious I just keep constantly googling lately and overthinking things I see online and wonder if someone else’s story is mine. As a kid, maybe like 10-12 ish yrs old I liked being called he for some reason but idk it kinda faded. Idk why. It’s blurry. I don’t remember anymore. And after I graduated elementary school I became more comfortable in being a woman and finding my style, etc. idk maybe I was looking for words to describe smthn. Idk. Eventually I stopped. When this happened I told my mom I was bigender, I still liked being a girl, but I don’t think I fully understood the term I’ll be honest. I don’t think I felt like a boy. What does that even feel like? I liked hanging out with the boys cuz they were the only ones who actually liked the same things as me (video games, playing in the snow and dirt and writing cool stories to play at recess) and in most of my interactions before and after that I was a girl. So idk what happened in that point of time and yknow I thought it was just a normal part of growing up etc cuz it happens for some people. Maybe I was curious. I kinda left that part of me behind knowing it was there but I grew out of it. I’m worried now that the past is the real me and this version of me is a liar and a fake and I don’t actually like being a woman etc. I’m worried I’m suppressing smthn. I’m worried I don’t like how I look in the mirror. Even if I say ooo I look cute in this and I love this dress or smthn it feels not genuine. This was causing me a lot of physical anxiety over the holiday break when I was at home with family. Now I don’t feel anxiety but I keep googling ahit like “How do I know if I like my AGAB” “Does gender euphoria have to be intense as a cis person?” “Is it ok and normal to feel neutral about being my AGAB day to day but have it change when I dress up in a different outfit?” “How do I know if I’m suppressing being trans” “Trans ocd vs genuine questioning” “I was a tomboy growing up but I’m not anymore does that mean I am secretly trans and hid that?” “How do I know if I like my AGAB and my pronouns or if I’m just very used to them?” Idk anymore I’m so tired I don’t feel anxious at all. I’m just scrolling and scrolling. It did keep me up about 2 nights ago. Had the worst sleep of my life Idk. I like being a woman. I like being referred to as she/her I’m pretty sure?? I’m used to it yeah, but I love being called princess or his girl by my bf or pretty or beautiful, even if it is a little cringe sometimes lol. It took some time to warm up to but now I’m worried that me being a little anxious and put off by the nickname is evidence. (idk I’m not used to pet names, the last time a partner gave me a pet name it was smeagol. From lord of the rings. Yeah. Nah.). I like having female friends and being seen with them. I like being one of the girls after being ostracized for so long as a kid cuz I liked dragons and video games and playing in the dirt. But what if I’m lying and deep down inside I don’t want to be a woman? Idk I’m scared I’m worried I’m stressed. I like to switch up my style now and then and trying new styles makes me happy cuz I like to try new things. Smthn punk ish one day for a concert or a protest shirt another or a cardigan and jeans all give me a little happy tingle and that feels right cuz that’s me, I’d like to try more tomboyish styles so I’ve saved some on Pinterest but I have no funds lol. I feel good in those but I’m worried it’s a lie. What if I just like being seen as an attractive woman but don’t actually feel that way? I think I feel like I’m an attractive woman. I feel really pretty and confident. A little anxious cuz I don’t usually get done up for classes or anything so it’s a bit odd lol. I feel good in how I look and my style. All of it is me. So I don’t usually have those happy tingles unless it’s a new thing for me. I didn’t have the tingle with my prom dress but I loved it. It was gorgeous and I felt like a princess but I’m worried I’m now lying to myself and I don’t actually like anything I’ve ever worn or my style and that everything I have saved in my Pinterest boards isn’t me and is just a lie cuz I’m forcing myself to deny something. I have my insecurities sure. My breasts are too small, I have some stress acne that I’ve been picking at that I hate, I feel like I’m too skinny and want some curves and some weight, I’m worried my face is too masculine, does my hair look right? What about my eyebrows? My makeup? Yknow that stuff. I don’t hate my body. I love it. After years of being insecure about it sure. But I got there and the thought of being a liar to myself and the thought of changing it freaks me out a little. I don’t think I want that like ever. I don’t want anything. I’m happy for trans people obviously but I don’t want what they have. I just want my body to change as a woman. But I’m scared that when my frontal lobe develops and locks in I’ll change my mind and actually hate being a woman or smthn. I feel like k need to figure out now if I’m trans, non binary or whatever the fuck. I don’t think I’m either or a secret third thing. Sorry for the long ramble I needed this out. I’m tired.

Sorry if this is long. I really need advice. I can't stop ruminating over someone my sister and I cut out of our lives several months ago. I don't think she was a bad person, but... I don't know. I'm so conflicted over everything. I can't stop thinking about whether I was right to end it, whether I ended it correctly or not, whether I'm a bad person because of it, etc, etc... I didn't want to be friends. I didn't want to keep in contact. I suck with boundaries, which is one of the reasons we were probably even friends for so long. That sounds horrible to say, but I think it's true... It got to a point where my sister didn't even enjoy talking to this person. They were always passive-aggressive towards us, but if we called them out on it, they'd deny it and say we were just reading it wrong. Or they'd just avoid having a conversation about it, insult us, and call us dramatic if we expressed hurt over their comments. I decided one night after talking with my mom about everything that I didn't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. I have so many bad memories connected to them. I didn't appreciate them mistreating my sister, either. The next day, I wrote out a message. I didn't go into a bunch of details or list every single reason why. I kept it brief, initially. She was hurt, which I expected. I felt so much guilt. But then she wrote five pages in reply, gaslighting and insulting us. She misconstrued everything we said, and I tried to re-explain, but it just led to worsening the situation. After it was over, I felt so much relief. My sister and I cried a lot, though. I feel like it was okay for us not to want to talk to this person anymore, but months later, I still feel so guilty. It's gotten to a point where I get thoughts like, "What if I'm manipulative somehow?" Because there were so many points throughout us knowing each other where I just didn't want to. I know I cared about this person, but I can't think of them now without feeling guilt and nauseating anxiety. I'm trying to remind myself that while not every single moment was bad, my decision to cut them out of my life was still valid. But I get a lot of thoughts telling me I made the wrong decision, or I should've ended it differently, that I should have talked it out somehow, etc, etc... I'm so tired of these thoughts. I just want to be happy :( Everyone in my life has told my sister and I that it was the correct decision, so why can't I just move past it? I'm scared I'll never stop feeling guilty about this.

New Year, New me— and I’m letting myself dig deep into themes I really haven’t fully tackled yet. The one I’m focusing on here is an Existential OCD obsessed with the passage of time. Specifically: • mental review to categorize time periods and memories within my mind • distress at the realization that XYZ amount of time has passed since a certain year, era or milestone in my life • dread about the idea that time goes by too fast, and that I have to hold onto every moment and make it extra worth it or I have done something “wrong” There’s a few factors to it that really amp it up for me. I have CPTSD and very deep childhood/adolescent-aged trauma, so some of this is linked to wanting some weird sense of control over that in my mind. I’ve also had this obsession since I was like 11 or 12 (so, going on about 13-14 years now). Put more simply in a way that I think most people can relate to: going “Jesus Christ, how has it been a full decade since 2016??? It felt like yesterday!” but imagine that amped up by a lot and a full blown obsessional theme.

Me: I'm so mad at little me for making crazy faces, then there was rare adorable ones. She was so cute nontheless haha. Sibling: That's why I tell you to try to smile in photos, try to show yourself and not hide your face. (And more.) Me: Ew, no. The difference is that I'm no longer 5. I'm not as cute anymore. I'm too old. Sib: And that doesn't mean you're still not cute?! You always act like you're older than you are. You're still a kid. You think you're so grown but you're really not. Me: ... Huh... anyways- --- That was a short conversation, moved on quickly but that did sort of stick with me. I never realized how much of an impact Existential OCD has on me. I'm no longer a "young kid" nor just became a teen. Basically one more year until I'm "legally" considered an adult- not for drinking age but you know. But I'm still young and what my sis said was true. There's many times where I now considered myself "expired" and I jokingly tell everyone that I'm on my deathbed. Etc. (They think I'm kidding, but I'm not.) I find other adults young, I always see people in their 40's and I get MAD whenever others say "old", or "uncle status" and anything by those words- I always encourage all adults either 30 or 55+ to contintue doing what they love and they are still so young ! (Hypocrite much I know) but the idea of adulthood towards MYSELF is what's so horrifying, but because of that I try to overprepare myself by treating myself as how I'd feel like an "adult" would be treated as. How they're treated by others. "I'm too old for that.", "Why does it matter? I'm no longer young.", "I remember back then when I was young..." and ect. Examples on things I'd say. Funny thing is that I love being childish, I draw comics, I love watching cartoons and many have mentioned that I act childish in a positive way. I love that. But I guess due to Real Event OCD, I was trying so hard to act grown up at such a young age- I did things I regret now and even at a MUCH younger age I discovered adult things that messed me up. Now the idea of aging scares me. I keep childhood as a really touchy subject and I don't know how my age is supposed to act like truly. But time going quickly freaks me out that I rush into things trying to make the most of it at a "young age" but at the same time being afraid to do so. The whole subject itself is complex, and I have a lot to learn from it but for now what I DO know is that my idea of the whole thing is nuts ! But the other side of me thinks it absolutely true so... that's that . :")

Hi so I have a huge fear of being delusional having schizophrenia and losing touch with reality so I've had crazy thoughts like what if clouds aren't real and stuff like what if nobody else are real and crazy thoughts like that however few months ago I had a thought that went like this what if I believe in lizard people that are hiding as people crazy right and just to make clear I DO NOT AND HAVE NOT BELIEVED ANY OF THE THOUGHTS AT ALL! But it feels like I do I've had thoughts like what if I believe this what if my grandma is one... I hate it I love my grandma and it breaks my heart having thoughts like this because I went to go see her for the second time in person I want to El Salvador to get some help you know I went to a mental hospital I didn't stay there or anything I just wanted to get diagnosed they told me I had health anxiety and not OCD at first it was OCD then health anxiety so I'm kind of confused but I know this got to be OCD anyway every time I was over there I kept having the thoughts like crazy thoughts like oh what if they can read my mind and stuff like that all kinds of crazy crap and at some times it feels like I actually do believe it or even worse feels real but deep down I'm like no this isn't real this isn't real I know these thoughts aren't real this isn't reality and it would feel so real I remember one time I was in the car it was late at night and I was with my aunt and a friend of hers and we were going home cuz in El Salvador everything is like far away obviously and she lives somewhere else from my grandma and it was like I don't know what it was deep personalization or something I don't know but I was just I felt like I feel weird I feel crazy like it felt real and these thoughts got here after the whole what if everyone else around me are not real just calm down and then I was watching YouTube and I thought came up of conspiracy theories and it came to lizard people for some reason and the movie like I don't know if y'all know a movie where it says obeying like buy stuff and it like some dude puts on glasses and he can see aliens and all that stuff I think that's what made it worse as well because I saw clips of that on Instagram obviously I know it's fiction but it's like oh my gosh and here's what I'm actually worried about and it kind of just like makes things worse for me I would get anxious right as if it were real and this is what f**** me up a lot and my anxious because I believe it or think it's real or I'm anxious about believing it and thinking it's real and that's where I get confused I mean I don't believe this but sometimes it feels like I'm lying to myself I feel like a liar but I know deep down when I'm calm and the anxiety isn't there I've got some ssris that really help like take away a lot of my anxiety but the thoughts are still there it helps me calm down and yesterday I had like the best day of my life I was calm I was able to do everything I had the thoughts but I just kept ignoring them it's like once I don't give it attention it goes away and I don't freak out but when I'm looking for the thought okay dude am I okay I just want to know am I am I okay am I schizophrenic I mean when I went to the mental hospital I explained I explained them my thoughts and from the beginning how I had hocd pocd and all that kind of OCD themes and then I want to help OCD while I was afraid of having cancer then schizophrenia then then believing delusions and that is my fear I am very afraid of believing delusions that would mean insane I don't know what to do anymore they told me I don't have schizophrenia thank God but like I just it feels horrible having intrusive thoughts about my family and other people I hate these thoughts so much I don't believe it but damn they feel so real and maybe because I try to avoid of giving myself reassurance and once I do give myself reassurance like this is not real this is not real then I thought comes up am I just saying this is not real because I actually think it's real or or something else and then I questioning wait do I believe this it feels like I believe this but then sometimes my worry isn't like what if I believe it it's almost like if I'm actually worrying it about if it's true and then I started getting more anxious because then I stopped my like whoa no no no I'm so scared of losing touch with reality and I am sorry for the long post I'm using this voice thing cuz it's so much to type I tried erp in the plane once it got really bad and it worked it really worked I sat down with the anxiety and the thoughts and then the anxiety just went away then the for the rest of the day once I landed your back in the in the states I felt good and then I took my medication that really helps me and it's in the medications for OCD when they told me that it's not OCD and it's health anxiety hypochondriac I sort of didn't know what to think at first but I know that this is obsessive compulsive sort of judging from I have mental I have compulsions and mental rumination and of course the obsessions I looked so many times in Reddit and on this app if someone has the same stuff that I am where they're actually like afraid of believing it and then again they're also afraid of going crazy or heck even if they think it's true even though deep down they know it's not it's just like these moments where I'm like really anxious in my head I feel disconnected but I know that there's a part of me and there is a part of me saying that this isn't true that this is OCD and that I know it's not true I know it's not deep down I know it's not true no matter how real it felt no matter whatever I've never actually believed it even though it felt so f****** real I've never believed the thoughts and I still continue to be on my way and be with my family has anyone else gone through something like this or something and if so what should I do

I don’t know if this is ocd or maybe I have a messed up view of who Jesus is.. I just always have resentment, fear, and anxiety around Christianity.. never peace or happiness. One of my biggest triggers is knowing free will exists and I have the choice if I want to go to heaven or hell. That triggers me so much because I don’t know who to follow, myself and the world or Jesus Christ. I’ve been a Christian all my life so I don’t know if I genuinely want to stop believing or not. I don’t even know if I want Jesus anymore or not. This is so exhausting and I ruminate on this so much.. does anyone else experience this?..

I'm a naturally curious person who sometimes likes to ask big questions and think philosophical ideas about life, but it's really gotten to the point where it's almost all I can think of and it's pretty distressing. I feel like my mind needs complete reassurance about questions that don't have answers (like why are we here, is there life after death, if life meaningless, is meaning even real, etc). Another thing my mind does is constantly deconstruct things just to protect me or something (love is just hormones, we're just atoms, paintings are just pigments, etc). I also sometimes wonder what the point is of anything (like work or exercise) if we're gonna die anyway? I don't mean to ask for reassurance, but I'm curious to see if anybody who reads this has/does struggle with existential OCD and what you did to overcome it. I feel like I'm struggling.

So much of my anxiety sometimes centers around really ambiguous worries, my therapist noted that these anxities all have to do with my own sense of identity and a general fear about "saying" or "claiming" things that I can't know are fully true. I found myself today watching a romance show and I just found myself being like "I will never have this" because my ocd makes it so hard for me to date, Im so stressed about intimacy and stuff more specifically I don't know/cant tell what it means to be attracted? And it's a lot more about that abstract feeling of "what is attraction? What does it mean to like someone else?". And then this kind of becomes a broader "is this even ocd? Its too abstract to be ocd". This goes into a lot of my individual identities as a mixed person (am I a person of color?), a queer person (am I a lesbian or just bi? Do I even like men? What does that even mean?) , adhd/autism (i was diagnosed with these things but what if the doctor was just wrong? What is a diagnosis? What does it mean to "have" something?... ) I think its a lot about "being wrong" and the way in which a narrative is told... i get a lot anxiety that I am not being genuine or right. This is really hard for me to write about because I have no idea how to actually formalize my thoughts on this. Its also hard to find resources because I can't tell if this is an existential thing, general anxiety, a mix of things (so ocd, rocd, ect)... but I feel like this has to be a common thought process? Its just so pervasive and its so many things with that underlying current of "being wrong" about a subjective thing that can never be right/aspect of identity/abstract feeling?

The themes that are playing out right now: Real Event OCD, Moral OCD, POCD, Health OCD, Pet OCD, ROCD, Existential OCD, and that's all I can think of right now. (And these are the themes that are playing RIGHT NOW, not all the ones that I have. That'd be great if that was the case.) Real Event OCD: I'm ruminating over the past actions I've done with my ex as a small teen and I'm mad at him + middle school events, I also am freaking about going to school in the future soon when breaks over because I have to see familiar classmates again and last time I threw up because of it. + Events of hypersexuality during when I was young and curious. Moral OCD/POCD: Social media, freaking about past socials and messages (also relates to Real Event OCD) and ruminating since some accounts are completely out of reach + some I may not know how to terminate ever. + worried about if I accidentally said something messed up and scared of future and digital footprint, Epste*n files news are not making me feel good at all, etc. Health OCD: Everyone is sick and I'm sorta worried for myself and them. + Scared of usual illnesses and stuff. I'm also anemic and that's flaring a bit so that sometimes freaks me out. Pet OCD: Last post explains it more but basically I'm nervous for my dog sometimes, he's adorable but sometimes a demon. Rocd: I have no boyfriend (for reasons, + ocd makes it worse and also I'm demi) but this is more for friendships and that's a lot to explain but basically I have occurring thoughts and wondering whether if it's falling apart or not. I'll most likely explain it more sooner or later. Who knows. Existential OCD: Fear of aging (not because of physical but mostly due to fears of future, what people will see me as, I don't want to let go of childhood ever.) I was dissociating a bit yesterday and now I feel a bit sick. I hope my mood goes up later again, there's a LOT more to say but that's enough for now. --- What am I going to do about all of this stress and bad thoughts? I'll freak out internally but physically I'm going out to buy some cool snacks because it's still break. 😤 I mostly posted this to sort of let it out, and maybe for some who are freaking out major time on many things, me too we're all in this together. <:")

I want to beat ocd because I feel like ocd is stopping me from growing and making my life better and I over think to much and I just want to make my life better over all and not only do I over think I always try to be perfect by trying to cover up things while I still haven’t healed it so it’s kinda like there being a whole in a wall and you paint over it yea it looks better but its still the same and is still a problem. And I’m Christian just that I feel like I don’t pay attention to it enough and I’m scared something bad will happen to me if I don’t

I was denied care for ERP therapy at NOCD yesterday because insurance was out of network. Therapy is $250 a session out of pocket. Even with my engineering job, this isn’t affordable for me. What’s even worse is that many insurances do not recognize ERP or have it in-network. I suffered so much getting my degree, to get my job, to get my insurance in spite of my OCD and still it wasn’t enough. I acted in the best way I knew to care for myself. What more do I have to do in this world to receive the care I know I need? Why am I forced to suffer while everyone else who doesn’t suffer as I do gets to be healthy? Why should I be part of such a world? How can I take part in something so evil

My fiancé ended our 9 yr relationship He said I was a broken person Now my mind always has those words on loop When I have anxiety I’ll try to do something to prove I’m not “broken” When I have intrusive thoughts I try to push them aside it gives me a headache When I hear something that triggers my ocd I will knock on something so I won’t hear it or drown it out but once I’m done i can picture him standing there asking “why are you like this” I obsess over the fact I want to prove that I’m not broken but the more I do the more of a toll it takes I can’t tell if I was in a emotional abusive relationship or if I’m the problem All of this has scrambled my brain Has anyone gone through this???? My family and friends are supportive but it feels like they don’t quite get it

Does anyone else obsess about all the evil in the world? For me, I get hung up on a cultural norm that makes me really upset (like eating animals, or the normalization of the porn industry/sex work). Both of these things I’ve been obsessing about endlessly for years. I get so enraged when the majority of the people around me, including the people I love, engage in these things, and won’t see things the way I do. It makes me alienate myself from everyone around me, and the hopelessness of it all makes it feel like life is hardly worth living. Can anyone relate at all, even if it’s not with these exact same issues?

To start off, I have not been professionally diagnosed with OCD as of this entry, but I have MANY symptoms that align with different subtypes of OCD. After looking into OCD, I can recall multiple things in life that are affected by my OCD aligning behaviors. The first time I remember having a big episode was when I was around seven years old. I don’t remember every detail of it, but I remember the horrible anxiety and looping thoughts that came with it. I had stolen a $1 pack of hair ties from a Save-A-Lot when I went grocery shopping with my mother. After getting home, I felt so disgusted and guilty about it that I hid under my bed having a breakdown for hours. I had convinced myself that I just committed one of the worst sins to be and that I just booked a one way ticket to hell. This thought and the feeling that came with it left me unable to function, but I was scared to tell my mother that I stole. Eventually, the crushing weight of my soul’s fate won, and I told my mother what I had done and why I was so scared. I don’t remember how the situation resolved, but I believe my mother was able to convince me I wasn’t going to hell for it as long as I asked for forgiveness. Ever since then, I would get intrusive thoughts about disappointing God every so often. Usually, I was able to talk myself out of obsessing over it, or I would distract myself from it. That was until I turned 14. Now, this episode didn’t really “feel” like an episode at the time. I didn’t have the insane impending doom or constant panic that wouldn’t calm down for days to weeks at a time. In this episode, I hyper-focused on my faith and being a better Christian. That sounds like a good thing, right? Well, of course it is… except my brain took the opportunity to create some compulsions and mental obsessions. I remember I became terrified of cussing or “being mean” to anyone, because I was fearful of upsetting God by being such a sinner. Now looking back, I realize the urge to do better should have came from a place of conviction and love for God, but it mostly came from guilt and fear. Time went on and I slowly fell back into my “normal” every day ways. I actually had reached the point, after a couple years, of doubting that God was real. I became agnostic and went on with my life doing typical teenager things, until another crisis came when I was around 17 years old. This one did have a specific trigger, which was an intense car accident. I was on the way home from school in the wintertime, I believe November. I was pushing 80mph, driving like an idiotic teenager, when I hit something in the road that caused my tires to pop. I had lost control completely and football spiraled into the woods for about 30 yards. It looked very bad, but I somehow walked out of it without even a scratch. This absolutely petrified me, and I went into another existential spiral. It started with me refusing to leave my house because I was convinced something would essentially fall from the sky and kill me if I left the house. After obsessing over that for awhile, it spiraled into thinking about what happens when we die and if we really just dissipate into nothingness, or if we do go to an afterlife that lasts forever and ever and ever. Both sounded terrifying to me because I couldn’t accept just becoming nothing, but I was also fearful of existing forever, because I was worried I would do something bad in the afterlife to make God mad and I would be sent to hell. At this point, my parents attempted to take me to a therapist. I’m not sure if she was attempting ERP, but she didn’t make what was happening clear, so I was terrified. She had me put on some headphones while playing a noise and she told me to think about my fear as intensely as I could, which freaked me out badly since I didn’t understand what ERP therapy was (if that’s what she was trying). Anyways, I never went back to her and decided to just rot on the couch watching Netflix to avoid any thoughts, until one day my brother helped break the cycle. He walked in the house, looked at me and said, “You’re so fat you’re going to have a heart attack. You’re coming to the gym with me.” To which I did, and after a few days of exercising I felt much better and shifted all my focus onto the gym. This episode lasted for less than a month, I believe. All was well with that for a few years. Then, here it all came back about two years ago, and I believe I was around 23 or 24 years old. This was also in the wintertime. Once again, the terrifying thought of “what happens when I die?” came back for me. It had me distressed almost 24/7 to where I felt shaky and anxious all the time. I could barely function. I tried seeking therapy and the person I talked to said “have you tried just not thinking about it?” which irritated me very much, as the problem wouldn’t have existed if I could have simply done that. I believe around this time I was diagnosed with bipolar, but I feel as if it was a misdiagnoses due to the lack of evaluation. My doctor attempted to put me on antipsychotics, which just made me feel horrible. I stopped taking those or talking to anyone and decided screw it, I’ll try to handle it myself. This was when I started confiding in my brother and his wife, and they reopened the door to God for me. I started reading the Bible with them and going to church with them, and I had realized that God wants you to come to him out of love and not fear/guilt. A lot of things I was taught improperly at a young age had been corrected through this journey, and I felt as if I really understood the love and peace that comes with a relationship with God. After a few weeks to a month, I was coming out of this episode since returning to my beliefs as a Christian had given me peace. This episode lasted for a little less than two months, I believe. All was well and I was living my life in peace, but slowly started drifting away from reading my Bible and going to church, so bam, here we are now. I’m now 26 years old and I’m in another existential/religious crisis. This one started at the beginning of November. I had been vaping for a while but suddenly I got this thought stuck in the back of my head that my next hit could be my last, because I could get popcorn lung and die. This freaked me out enough to make me cold-turkey quit vaping. Well, a couple days later I started having extreme anxiety with chest pain and arm pain so I was convinced I was having a heart attack. I went to the ER, and all my scans and tests were normal. I followed up with my doctor and all my labs were normal other than slightly elevated cholesterol and low vitamin D. I was hoping this would make me snap out of it, but then my brain caught the thought of “what if I die in my sleep and my 4 year old son is stuck here with my dead body for days at a time until someone notices I haven’t shown up to work or taken him to his dad’s?” And I completely lost it with this thought. I was petrified to go to sleep, and it was even worse on the nights I had my son. I became terrified of sleeping, which has resulted in me sleeping less even though I’m already struggling on 3rd shift. This spiral went on for about two weeks when the religion based intrusive thoughts started. My brother was watching a sermon while I was at his house, and a statement the preacher made had triggered me to think I wasn’t bearing enough fruits as a Christian, so God was going to write my name out of the book of life. So, I was spiraling on both of those thoughts for a while. I have since gotten the religion one to slow down, but the fear of dying in my sleep had spiraled into general fear of dying young, or even at all. I was feeling a tiny bit better when I saw my doctor and he prescribed me adderall and buspar. One day after starting the adderall, I started my period for the first time in five months, and I feel like that combo completely ruined what progress I had made. Now I’m stuck in a place where my brain is telling me “you’re gonna die anyways, whether it’s tomorrow or in 60 years, you’re going to die so everything is pointless and you might as well give up and sit here rotting in thought until that day comes.” I HATE this thought. I don’t want to feel like life is meaningless and pointless, but my brain is keeping me imprisoned. I’m at the point where I can’t eat, sleep, or even function half the time. I’m stuck in a never ending panic attack and it WON’T STOP. I stopped taking the adderall a few days ago but had to go to the ER because the panic would not stop. They gave me an Ativan, which helped for a few hours, but the panic had come back by the next day. They’ve prescribed me some other stuff to start soon, and some hydroxyzine for immediate relief. The hydroxyzine isn’t really doing much so I’ve just been stuck in a state of panic. I’m terrified to be alone so I’ve been staying with my dad and his wife. I tried to sleep at home alone today and woke up after just three hours freaking out. I’m now at work, planning to leave early at 10pm and I’m so exhausted from not being able to sleep or eat. I will probably go back to my dad’s house in hopes that my body feels safe enough to get at least SOME sleep. I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion, but I’m feeling extra discouraged today, feeling that there’s not a way out of feeling like this. I feel so stuck and miserable and I hate it so much. I cannot stand being stuck in a constant and never-ending panic, but my body just won’t give me a break. Also, the intrusive thoughts have me slightly scared to try the new medication I got today, so that sucks. So, yeah, that’s where it’s all started and where I am with it right now. I have other symptoms of other subtypes, but nothing that’s completely taken over my ability to function in the way the existential and religious thoughts have.

(Writing this in class I don't really care, I trust myself that no one's looking this just can't wait.) I feel like I'm going to have a panic episode soon, darn you OCD and everything that's going on inside my brain ! Last night mood swings was off, I went from being absolutely estatic and laughing at everything to suddenly dissociating for a moment then to going back to being happy and now I just feel depressed and I'm so stressed about many things and OCD themes... POCD, ROCD but with friendships, Existential OCD, Harm OCD, Real Event OCD, Moral OCD, (these are the themes that are currently bothering me right now) I'm also worrying about friendships in general, school grades, myself and insecurities, and etc, I'm trying so hard to seem open to everyone and warming but I was asked if I was okay by a classmate even if I wasn't doing anything but looking into the walls- I nodded brightly but I don't feel okay.. I'm bottling everything up . So much is happening, and I may rant about all my stresses tonight here but at this current moment I sorta have limited time to display out all my thoughts before I have to head to my next class. I do have my coping mechanisms right now which is my daydreaming and talking to my intrusive thoughts and OCD as a bully/toxic friend . That does help me a lot but I DO really hope that I can focus on my school work and tasks I need to do because I really need to have that all figured out before break starts. Wish me luck . :,)💜 good day to everyone

Hi! I’ve recently come out to myself as a lesbian and it’s been great. This label makes so much sense and I find a lot of peace within it….then came the intrusive thoughts. I feel like I’m hyper aware of my attraction to men when watching TV. Like if a guy that is aesthetically hot is on my screen, I’m like questioning if I’m attracted to him. Ik that aesthetic attraction is very different than romantic attraction, but those thoughts of “ am I REALLY a lesbian” come up for me and it’s honestly terrible. Every single day I have these thoughts ( at least once a day!!! And it lasts for hours ugh). I think im scared because I love being a lesbian. Any advice on how to fix this?

I’m genuinely curious: does your religion help you face the things that are difficult when it comes to OCD? Sometimes I feel like I want to be a better person, to find strength to face difficult things, and to be more loving toward myself and others. I have been curious about Christianity over the past few years and feel a sort of call. But from the outside, it seems confusing too. For example, when I image praying to God and asking him for strength, or “give up” control of a certain situation, this gives me anxiety. I think there’s a part of me that DOES want to be in control. So in a way, perhaps having faith would be an exposure for me. But, I also hear that faith can sometimes make OCD difficult, say if you’re trying to pray perfectly, behave morally, or figure out what God is trying to tell you, etc. In other words, faith becomes a compulsion. I want to know about what this is like for other people. How does faith affect your OCD?

I’ve been having so many sleepless nights lately. I’ve always dealt with insomnia from rumination, but now that I’ve stopped smoking weed to fall asleep, I’m realizing how much it was covering up. My brain literally will not turn off. It is not even conscious thoughts. It is like my subconscious is running in the background while my eyes are closed. It feels more like I am stuck in meditation than actually sleeping. Last night I got maybe thirty minutes of real sleep. My body is so used to this that I still get up when my alarm goes off, but I am a zombie the whole day. I tried to lay back down around 8 a.m. for just an hour, and when I opened my eyes it was 8:52. I was not actively thinking about anything. It is just this quiet mental noise that keeps my whole body restless while I am praying for REM. Melatonin does nothing for me. I tried it again and it did not change anything. I am honestly scared my system is out of sync, and part of me keeps wanting to go back to weed because at least I slept. But I am trying to stay sober and clear headed, and I also have this dental implant so I really should not be smoking anyway. Just needed to get this out. If anyone has dealt with this level of insomnia, what helped you? I am struggling.

This is my first ever post on here, because honestly my anxiety over my health has gotten really bad. Ive had really irregular bowl movements as of thanksgiving and that’s about it no pain , no weight loss, no change in appetite, no blood , etc. My Brain is still trying to convince me that I have some horrible disease that’s going to kill me. I have an appointment with my doctor today at 9 but I’m do scared and anxious. I can’t fall asleep because I’m actually stressing out and my brain is telling me if I fall asleep I won’t wake back up. Honestly I’m struggling really bad and if anyone relates I’d love to hear how you calm yourself down or what makes you feel a little bit better because I haven’t been able to leave my house or panic attack free in about 4 days. Anything helps 💕

I've been dealing with OCD for some time now. I havent gotten the chance to get an actual diagnosis and meds cuz i cant let people know, here in the balkans its still a bit of a taboo thing to talk mental ilness. I've dealt with it on my own and managed to make quite great progress, I started doing ERP a few years ago and managed to actually learn to deal with it in a healthy way and try to live my life again. For some time it was rough and then it kinda settled in, for most of 2024 my OCD wasn't a problem. Here comes 2025 and I got a massive flare up, I had anxiety over driving school, religious beliefs (that was deeper tho cuz i deconstructed from Christianity) and relationship OCD. What I'm looking for is a bit of hope, maybe experiences of people who have dealt with really bad simptomps (im talking anxiety that makes you sick), that feeling that it never will go away, that despair when ocd pushes you into a state of inner reflexion and you feel disconected from reality. I know there isn't a cure but I also know ERP work and it can help massively. But it's so hard to fight it and it's so tiring, waking up everyday with that anxiety and doing your exposures (seeing results) but never actually feeling like you're getting to that place of peace. Like, IM BETTER, but I dont feel like im ever gonna be ok in the real sense. Does that make sense?