Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Do you call someone? Look for your compass? Or runaway?

Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭

17f So I don't have an official diagnosis, but I know I have it, I struggle with it since I was 4, I went through like almost every theme like contamination, symmetry, checking, existential, health anxiety, false memory, moral ocd, sexual ocds, and also a therapist told me I have it (another one said I have generalized anxiety disorder but idk like I was talking about textbook ocd to her) I don't have a therapist now therapy is not working out well for me but I was hoping to maybe get medication For me the absolute hell is POCD and real event ocd. I genuinely don't know how do I start. I also think I will replace POCD with harm ocd cause well I'm to scared to talk about POCD. But what do I even say like do I come in and talk about more obvious ocd stuff I experience and then randomly jump to POCD, seems like a crazy jump idk... Also I thought it will be in the evening and I will have time to prepare but it's in and hour and a half I'm terrified Anyone? Help? How do I start what do I say I'm so scared

I get married in 5 days. And what’s suppose to be the happiest week of my life, is the most numb, dreadful and ocd-filled. I’ve suffered from what I’d call existential ocd for 2.5 years. It’s been so long with it that I THINK my theme has changed to.. “what if I never feel the same again?” “What if I never recover?” “What if I’m always left feeling numb and disconnected?” The existential ocd started with “life is meaningless thoughts”. They are still there. They’re relentless too. My brain just one day grasped that we die and immediately it led me to belief that because of death and because no one has answers.. life is meaningless. I developed very bad depression. And I think my ocd has latched on to this numb feeling. Let me say, I feel no positive or negative emotions. I can’t cry, I can’t feel, I don’t see a point, I don’t feel connected to anything or anyone. I get married in 5 days and I feel nothing. And let be clear, I love my fiance so so much. He is amazing. Everything I want and more. Everyday I wake up, my ocd is nonstop all day. I really don’t see a point in anything. I would say I have little to no insight OCD. I truly believe this is my life. Any advice appreciated.

I really want to die The only thing that keeps me here are my children I can't do that to them... But the torture is unreal... My quality of life is destroyed ritual after ritual after ritual. It's like I have two minds. I want to be normal but the other side of my mind says no! I will not let you be freaking normal You will obey my command and do your rituals everyday out of fear! I can't take it anymore I really just want to die! I pray to God everyday but there hasn't been any answers from him. I'm a devout Christian and a Jesus follower. Where is my Savior? Why does God and Jesus keep on letting us live this way through torture? I feel like I'm a blasphemer for saying that, I'm done I need help! Like we all do!

i’m so tired of everything i can’t take the ocd on top of school life no friends no love never will find good love. i can’t be out publicly i’ll never be in the right body i’ll never be happy and stable i just want to dissapear. I will never escape my ocd and my gender. i can’t do this my entire life.

Last week was a lot easier for me. I felt like thoughts didn’t control me and my actions as much as they did earlier. Today was really hard for me and I feel like I’m starting to lose hope again:( I can’t take the thoughts and the feelings that come with them anymore. I feel like I have failed and I’m never going to be happy again.

We still don’t know what happened to her. Young, healthy, vibrant. I have so many thoughts…I want to know what happened to her. She is the one I would go to for times like this. I feel selfish as well. I’ve been seeing her for ten years. I can’t imagine starting over. So many strong OCD issues that she helped me through. I have lost an important person in my life. My heart and prayers go out to her family.

Feeling like I am a burden on my parents as well on me. No my parents never said anything like this. I just want to end this life which is full of mental suffering which can't be explained. Feeling like I will never be able to do anything in my life. I so want to go far away from these things where there will be only peace.

I feel like I’ve lost who I am , even since my depression and ocd started. I don’t even know what I like anymore:(( I doubt everything I think and it’s so draining because I just want to feel like my old self again😭 I feel like I have no motivation to get better which is bothering me so much because I want too but something is holding me back from doing what I need to do :/ with all my thoughts and doubts , I feel like I can’t trust myself . I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels this much pain

I keep thinking about life and death and all that stuff and it’s making me so upset. I keep thinking about how one day im probably going to be old and on my death bed or something and my whole life will be nothing but a memory and im so scared for that day. i wont have my parents and my younger siblings wont have any of us. time feels like its moving too fast like i feel every second pass and think about how i can never get that moment back and i cant slow down time or go back or even just pause it because its always going and theres nothing i can do about it. And then i start thinking about whats after death and get even more scared because if heaven is real then what is eternity? wont i get bored of doing the same things… forever? and if its not real then what happens is it just nothing? because thats even more scary i don’t want to be nothing because that also means the people i love will be nothing and i wont be able to be with them. And if it’s not that then is it reincarnation? will i have to do this all over again? will the souls of the people i love be with me in their new forms? is the sun “God” because the planets revolve around it and the stars are all of the passed souls? what does it feel like to be a star? will i even just know i died? i have so many questions and the fact that none have an answer and i just have to wait to find out drives me insane. i try to remind myself everyone before me and everyone after me will experience death and loss at one point in their life and that I’m not alone but it doesn’t help. nothing helps. ive had “episodes” like this before when i was around 10-14 about once a year always around May-June which is the month my great grandmother died and June is my birth month which i hate because yk… time passing and aging which i assume is why i always get worse around that time. i was able to kind of ignore or turn it off the past like 3 years but this month its just too much i cant even deal with it. maybe because I’m turning 18? idk but its been bothering me so much and its all i can think about. Even when i seem fine the thoughts are always in there somewhere and some days they’re easier to ignore and others it feels impossible. I just wish I was like those people who can just turn their thoughts off if they don’t like them. My mom says she can do that if she thinks about how her mom died or something she can tell herself she doesn’t want to think about that and just… turn it off?? and thats so shocking to me because i’ve begged a god I don’t even know if I believe in to stop my thoughts and she can just turn them off herself? I don’t have another therapy appointment until next week I wish I could talk to them everyday so it could work faster but instead i’m on here. So if anyone has any advice PLEASE give it to me. I’m so tired it’s making me not enjoy anything in life because it makes me feel like theres no point in anything but I want to feel normal and I want to enjoy things. Sorry for writing so much just had to get this out there. Also i’m not trying to seek reassurance btw I just wanna know how other people coped with this or similar issues😭

I have so many pocd real events, and false memories that im so tortured by mere existence of life... I genuinely have no one who can comfort me... because giving people reassurance is... unhealthy... and even then my false memory situations cant even be reassured because i dont know if its true or not... im so alone...

Finally slept well today! Which is nice. Regardless, I feel like it has destroyed who I am. Its been over a year and a half, and I keep overthinking and questioning my identity and I can’t let it go to the point where I feel that my future is certain, even though I’ve liked myself the entire time and had a pretty stable idea of who I was. My mind has gathered enough proof. I love being a woman, and I don’t want a different body. I wasn’t born in the wrong body. I am obsessing over my voice, which needs no changes, and my chest. After speaking to a friend of a friend, I’m afraid I’ll want a sex change when I finally have a partner. I’m terrified. I don’t know if anyone can relate. I don’t know how to get over this and my first ERP session is in about a week. How do I even go about this? I feel like a monster to my own family.

will i ever be free or is this all there is for the rest of my life

Does anyone ever feel like you know you have OCD, but at the same time you think it might actually be you connecting to a higher consciousness or vibration that is trying to control your decisions so that the outcome does not turn out bad kind of like the butterfly effect. It drives me crazy because I know I’m conscious that it’s OCD but at the same time I overthink and feel like it might be a higher power trying to warn me that I’m not doing something right, like example; if I flip the trash can lid a couple more times it’s going to pervert something bad from happening and that why I’m sensing I’m not doing it right, because if I spent a little more time there and if I would have left earlier the outcome would’ve been different. Or say I just fight through it and choose to ignore it, but then I’ll carry that negativity/worry of not feeling like I did it right and will project it out into existence because the thought won’t leave my head and in a way your seeking it out into existence since you keep thinking about it, kind of like an affirmation?

I’ve been feeling a little bit better these past few days but today it’s been very stressful for me having a lot of hard thoughts and unable to release tension mentally giving me a headache and feelings of panic. Having a hard time connecting with reality. Any ideas or suggestions on how to grab myself and release tension?

I have existential ocd and dpdr and my mind keeps telling me I’m dying or will die. Is dpdr even manageable?

Hello everyone, this is my first post on here. I hope you are all well. I’m currently experiencing what I call ‘anticipated regret’ and the only way I can describe it is having thoughts such as: “If you don’t do X thing then you will regret it later in life and not feel fully fulfilled.” It’s giving me quite a bit of anxiety as I just want a peaceful life without worrying about experiences I haven’t had. I hope this makes sense!

i’m trying to not let the thoughts bother me but it’s just so stressful. even me typing that feels like i’m lying when i know i’m not. i’m scared because even my therapist tells me that it’s just ocd, but in the back of my mind i slightly don’t believe her, and its making me scared that i AM like those people and im gonna act on something. sometimes in social moments i get a quick thought of me being an outcast because im like those people who are sick in the head and act on that stuff, and it just makes me feel like i truly am gonna eventually act on something. another thing that bothered me is earlier my mom yelled at me for not doing school work (it was well deserved im really slacking on it) and i had like no reaction to her screaming. it had me thinking what if i have no empathy etc etc, and what if i get mad that she yelled at me and i do something involving those thoughts. how do i TRULY know it’s ocd? like i try to remind myself and be like “dude, your therapist said it’s ocd, she isn’t wrong” but the back of my mind is like “she is wrong, it’s not ocd and she just happened to misdiagnose you. you are gonna act on those thoughts and it’s your fate”. please someone respond if you read all of this, im really struggling

im getting so annoyed i cant stop thinking about time and death and everything how do i stay present and cope literally almost everything is triggering me its been weeks it feels like everything is moving so slow yet so fast and i can feel every second and i keep getting random memories of things i usually wouldn’t even remember they aren’t bad but its just another reminder of time passing and the only thing that helped just enough is xanax but i cant keep taking it every day cause i dont wanna get addicted i need like natures xanax or something how do i produce the same effect a xan gives without taking one for the love of god bro as soon as i think its getting better i start spiraling an hour later and wont be able to stop and its making me feel like i need to go to a psych hospital or something but then i feel like what if im not bad enough to go to one