All I can think about is death. I’m only 26 and everyday feels like I won’t live a long time and that my time is up. I wake up with death instantly on my mind. All I do is cry and sleep. I miss who I was. I can’t enjoy anything without thinking “this will be gone one day” I miss loving life
I understand how it feels. Death is something that we all have to grapple with at one point or another. Setting OCD aside for a moment, most people fall into 2 extremes when it comes to worrying about death. On one end, many people distract themselves from it; avoiding the topic entirely. This is especially common in modern day society. We get dead bodies out of sight as quickly as possible. We keep sick and dying people hidden away in hospitals. People who talk about death are labeled as "morbid," "goth," "pessimists," etc. This taboo treatment of death only makes it more foreign to us, making it that much more painful and shocking when we lose someone, or when we have to face our own death. On the other end, many people worry about death constantly. They find it impossible to enjoy life because they know it will end some day. And obviously if you have the tendencies that are exaggerated by OCD, it easily becomes a full blown obsession. It seems pretty bleak, right? You either ignore it and make things worse when it happens, or endlessly worry about it making things worse right now. But there is another option, which is to acknowledge death as a natural part of life. Accept that all living beings die. Realize that it's not personal. It's not something that "happens to you." It's an inevitable result of living a conditioned existence. That on its own probably isn't too helpful. I used to feel the same way; whenever people told me that death is "natural" and happens to everyone, I'd get annoyed because it didn't help me be any less afraid of it. But something interesting happens when you purposefully reflect on the impermanence of life in a healthy way. When you truly accept it as reality, it starts to change from a source of fear to a source of pure inspiration and appreciation of everything in the present moment. You start to feel incredibly grateful for everything and everyone in your life. This feeling may come and go, but when it's there, little things stop bothering you. You feel more compassion toward people who usually annoy you. You enjoy your experiences more thoroughly. You smell, taste, hear, and feel things more vividly. You really feel alive. The people that learn to do this; to live a life with the acknowledgement that it is impermanent; to be compassionate with others because THEIR life is impermanent; are the ones who feel a sense of ease and fulfillment as they near the end of their life, and they tend to face death without fear. This extreme sadness and fear you feel is fueled by resistance. Those of us with OCD will literally do ANYTHING to resist our uncomfortable feelings. That's why we do compulsions; we desperately want to DO something to make sure we don't feel the feelings. But as we know, that makes things more intense. When it comes to death, we may compulsively avoid it, or ruminate about it. Even ruminating about how scary it is can be a compulsion; it's an attempt to gain some form of control by staying on top of it at all times because we don't want to be surprised by it. But the ERP approach is to turn toward it in a confident way. Acknowledge it. "Yep, one day I'll die." Allow yourself to feel the discomfort that brings. It's okay. Acknowledge it, then mindfully bring yourself to something in the present moment. If (when) the thoughts come back up, gently acknowledge it again. Keep doing this. Notice how it makes you feel. If you find yourself spiraling, you've likely gotten caught in some thought-driven narrative about how death is scary and wrong. That's ok, acknowledge the spiraling thoughts and again come back to what's happening in front of you right now. If you can learn to make this a habit, try to notice how your relationship to death changes over time. See if it starts to turn from a constant source of fear to one of appreciation and motivation. I wish you well!
Hi djflorio!! I really love everything you said, and I completely agree with you. I was wondering, is this what you did to get over your fear of death? Because if you were once afraid of it and are now able to write something as real and serene as this comment, I'm really surprised by how much growth a person can have! I really strive for that. I've been dealing with DPDR and an existential crisis that have absolutely warped the way I see life, and I'd love to go back to a calmer self!
@isaromo - Hey, thanks for the kind words. Yes, my relationship to death has changed for the better since I've started leaning into this approach. I also used to struggle with DPDR quite a bit, as well as really intense existential crises with spiraling thoughts about the nature of reality. Those things, just like the obsession of death, are fueled by us trying to fight the thoughts around them. The exact mechanisms behind DPDR are still being studied (from what I understand), but it's basically believed to be the brain's way of protecting itself from being overwhelmed. It does this by redirecting processing power away from emotional regions of the brain, which is what causes that "distant" and "alien" feeling. It likely evolved in us as a way to deal with traumatic events. If you're out in the woods looking for food and a tiger suddenly appears and kills your partner, there's no time for you to feel sad; you need to survive. So the brain temporarily numbs the emotions and the feeling of being present in that situation, allowing you to quickly come up with a plan to get out of there fast. Once the immediate threat (the tiger) is gone and you know you're safe, that DPDR state lifts, and you are then able to process the heavy emotions of what just happened in a safe environment. The problem is that we rarely find ourselves in a situation like that today. Rather than single, obvious traumatic events, most of our days involve chronic, long-lasting stressors that slowly wear away at us: work, school, bills, daily responsibilities, complicated relationships, etc. Despite how it may feel with the news these days, we live in a very safe time compared to our ancestors. That gives us more time to sit around and think about ourselves, which is one of the easiest ways to make yourself chronically anxious. Because of all this ongoing stress, that DPDR feeling comes along but it takes a very long time to go away, because there's no obvious threat to get rid of. There's no tiger to run away from; just a persistent, underlying feeling of things not being okay. So rather than a helpful defense mechanism, DPDR just turns into one more thing to be anxious about. The unreal and alien feeling disturbs us, and we start wondering what it "means." We get existential about it. We worry if it's going to "be like this forever." None of that was ever ment to come from DPDR because it was only meant to last for the duration of the stressful event. That's where the cruel irony is: DPDR arrives as a response to stress/anxiety, so our stress/anxiety about it causes it to stay around longer! Once I realized this, my relationship to it shifted completely. Now when I get any sort of DPDR feeling, rather than freaking out about what it "means," I just recognize that I'm feeling that way. That's it; nothing more, nothing less. There's no need to attach a story to it. Let it come and let it go. Better yet, welcome the feeling and ask for more of it. Think of it like a warm blanket on a cold night; the brain temporarily protecting you from the emotional toll of life. I'm not one to push any sort of spiritual traditions on anyone, but for what it's worth, I've found Buddhist philosophy to be immensely beneficial for all of this. There are so many parallels between modern psychology (especially ERP) and Buddhist teachings. I recommend looking into it if you're interested in that kind of thing.
@djflorio Thank you for such a detailed and caring response! I've thought about the irony of DPDR before as well and it's managed to get a chuckle out of me hahah. Thankfully, the physical/visual symptoms (things looking 2D and whatnot) didn't last that long for me, and I was just left with existential thoughts, which then transitioned into a full blown existential crisis, which I'm still trying to come out of, slowly but surely. I believe there are two root fears playing their hands: one being the leftover fear of feeling unreal that happens with DPDR, which has made me question things like reality, the universe, the passing of time, etc. And the other one being fear of death, which has made me question life, afterlife, the passing of time as well, death, etc. That's why I found your initial response so calming and warm when it comes to fearing death. To know that one can go from utter fear to acceptance is really helpful and reassuring. So thank u! I can definitely look into buddhist teachings. Do you have any specific recommendations to start with? I'm not a really spiritual person so I wouldn't really know where to begin! haha
@isaromo - No problem (sorry I like to type a lot haha). I know exactly how you feel. I've literally spent hours curled up in a ball trying to think my way out of an existential crisis numerous times. It sucks. There are a lot of great resources for learning about Buddhism, and the best place to start really depends on what holds your interest. I personally started by listening to dharma talks (which are just talks that focus on Buddhist teachings). There are a lot of great teachers out there who put their talks online for free. Here are some of my favorites, along with what to expect from them: Joseph Goldstein: Well-rounded and well-spoken overviews of traditional Buddhist concepts. If I was only allowed to recommend one teacher, it would be him. Josh Korda (Dharmapunx NYC): Ties Buddhism in to western philosophy and modern day psychology. Very science-grounded and secular. Lots of neuroscience talk. Excellent resource if the word "religion" makes you a bit nervous (this is where I personally started). Melissa McKay: More traditional; teaching directly from Buddhist suttas and referring to Buddhist cosmology. Jack Kornfield: Leans more spiritual and mystical. Mixes different spiritual traditions, but primarily Buddhist. Jill Sheperd: Fantastic explanations and overviews of the many different "lists" of Buddhism (Noble Truths, Factors of Awakening, Bramaviharas, Hindrances, etc). Offers many guided meditations. Tara Brach: Well-known spiritual teacher and psychotherapist. Mixes different spiritual traditions, but primarily Buddhist. Thich Nhat Hanh: His talks are generally tailored toward people without much Buddhist knowledge, so he explains Buddhist concepts in a more accessible way. Very relaxing to listen to. Brian Lesage: Modern, secular, and practical without getting too science-y. There are also way too many books to list here (this reply is already way too long haha), but if I had to recommend a few it would be "Buddhism" by Huston Smith and Philip Novak, "Insight Meditation" by Joseph Goldstein, or "Buddha" by Karen Armstrong. And if you want to go straight to the source, check out accesstoinsight.org, suttacentral.net, or dhammatalks.org. They all contain actual suttas (teachings), as well as some guidance on where to start with Buddhism. My biggest piece of advice is to try a bunch of things out. Buddhism is huge on only accepting teachings if they actually prove to be useful to you. If something doesn't hold your attention or just doesn't vibe with you, then try something else. It's meant to be explored, not forced. Hope this helps!
@djflorio Thank u so much!! I'll definitely look into those :))
I know what that’s like. Thank you for sharing. When I became a mother, I immediately began worrying about death and my mortality. I remember calling my mom in the middle of the night crying during the infant stage, saying something to the effect of “I don’t want to die. I don’t ever want to die.”
That's definitely a scary theme & it's one I've struggled with since I was a young child. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Something that I try to do when these thoughts come up for me is to practice some mindfulness skills & try to stay present in the moment. I definitely understand the feeling of fearing the end of the good things in life. All I can say is that every time we make an effort to experience the things that we value in life that's another way that we resist the grip OCD has over us 🫶
I understand this a lot. I’m only 20 and share similar fears of knowing i won’t live forever. I know it’s easier said than done but when I get these thoughts instead of trying to fight it or make myself feel better in my head I just say “this isn’t something I need to worry about right now” and try to distract myself with a happy movie or something. I am so sorry you feel this way❤️
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