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So, I haven't been on this website in a while. I posted once before. Yeah, things have gotten better for me since my last post like I believed. I don't go to therapy or anything. Can't afford it on a weekly basis so I learn on my own. Always self sufficient pretty much. Yeah, I know... I'll feel weak if I went anyway. It's hard for me to trust anyone these days with all the stuff going on too, you know what I'm saying? But I got thinking again about how OCD behaves and even to the level of crippling for some. I was borderline crippled myself after experiencing the loss of a close one. It created a rippling effect within me. And I know how that feels with all the sleepless nights that came with it in the past for me. But I found a nice analogy for myself. I was thinking late at night when I came up with it. So here we go: Look at yourself as a kind of legislator, writing down these OCD laws for yourself which were set forth to help give relief for your own compulsions toward certain things. You believe these OCD laws are good because they provide a sense of comfort and protection for you as long as you 'behave accordingly' AKA doing the compulsive action. You think these laws are your safety net and that it's for the best. But you forget that these laws are really only giving you a false sense of security to your well being. Your laws don't actually make you free if you live by them. They just create the illusion of freedom and only serve to oppress you in the end. True freedom comes from being the outlaw, and not being afraid to break these OCD laws which you ultimately created for yourself as a defense mechanism for your compulsive behavior. If you really want to take back your freedom, start breaking these laws. And just like real outlaws from the wild west days, you will start getting used to breaking these laws without the fear or thought of the consequences. You will then start to realize that the laws you enacted were of no real benefit to you all along. It's ironic, but now the legislator, you, has to finally start breaking your own laws because you learned it was all a mistake and not helping you live the life you truly desire. You're finally getting a glimpse into what true freedom is like, you've awakened. But now, how will your brain react to this defiance of the laws which were already written down and passed by you? The real wild west outlaws feared the sheriff, but you fear how your brain will react to your conscious decision of giving up this false sense of freedom. It's like if you break these OCD laws, then the 'sheriff,' AKA your brain, will try to arrest your psych for it and get you back into your compulsive cycle again. This is what I describe as 'the battle with the self.' You may very well end up in a tug of war between your conscience and your brain along the way, but if you persist in resisting this illusion of security, then your conscience and mind will once again reconcile with your brain's response and peace will ensue, a unity will take place. This is true freedom. The brain will recalibrate and your mind won't feel the struggle anymore. That is my analogy and how I look at OCD as a whole now. I just want to say a couple more things. Your mind and brain are separate properties. OCD shows this to be true and makes you aware of this. They both work together but they are certainly not one of the same. But if there is no equal balance between the two then there is disorder, just like tug of war. Now you see your mind fighting with your brain. You have the ability to make the conscious decision to react or not to react to your brain's response to your urges or anything else for that matter. I know it's very hard but not impossible. It's just easier to react and give in because there is no effort needed to make any changes for yourself, and that's why you do more wishing but without much effort if any. And that can be said for any problem in life like drug addiction, alcoholism, video game addiction and let alone obsessive compulsive disorder. All of these have something in common and that is building resistance to them. Anyway, hope you like my little analogy of the 'sheriff and the rogue legislator' interesting or at least thought provoking. I'm just some 28 year old guy going through the motions with my own life. My somatic OCD is still there but it's far better than before. See you around.

Im struggling to identify what exposures I can do. Most of them have stopped making me anxious so I need to amp it up. Problem is I can't think of anything. Like I know for sure theres definitely exposures I can do but I can't remember them for the life of me I guess it makes sense. If you live most of your life in autopilot and fear, your brain wont retain much information other than the ones to survive. If you have POCD, Harm OCD, or any relating to morality please lmk what your exposures are (if you feel comfortable) :,3 I need inspo

Hi guys! I was doing so much better I feel like to the point where I thought the ocd completely went away and then my anxiety came back a bit and then I got my first period coming off birth control which REALLY messed my head up. I am someone whose always felt a little rigid in sexuality (I believe sexuality is a spectrum for most people and not uncommon in women it’s ok if you disagree) but I’m someone who developed a fear over the fact that I can sometimes have attraction to women or think they’re hot or whatever. For me it’s always just been sexual and I’ve never done anything in real life, I don’t love labels but I’d say I’m bi-curious maybe bisexual maybe just somewhere on the spectrum or straight i don’t know and I don’t care! I started having a fear that because I can get aroused by women sometimes it cancels out all my feelings or sexual,romantic or any feelings I’ve had for men my entire life. I was even trying to think about how I started liking these men, and I was like does it really matter how you started or just the fact that you did like these men, it doesn’t matter how it started or how you met. I just struggle with intrusive thoughts sometimes of “you’re lying to yourself” when deep down I know I’m not, I’ve always been aware my arousal can be flexible, which is not uncommon and if you’re also going through something similar just know that it’s truly not uncommon and normal in human sexuality. I guess sometimes I just need to remind myself things can coexist? I don’t have bi-phobia, I definitely did earlier in life when I realized I sometimes have attraction to women physically. I became perfectly ok with myself feeling rigid and then a fear came on that I was lying to myself completely, when in reality things can coexist and u can experience different forms of arousal and it doesn’t have to change how you identify. You could call me bi, bi-curious, straight mostly, or even heteroflexible, and I’m fine with all of those. I had a fear that since I find women attractive from time to time or whatever, it cancels out my feelings for men, which is NOT true! I guess this isn’t really asking for advice, just sharing my thoughts and story. Maybe this will help someone else out. It helped me even just to type it, because sometimes my ocd makes me feel crazy! I wish you all well

I just found out my husband has a porn addiction and had an emotional affair with one of the women he watched on onlyfans. It’s especially jarring because he knows how triggering porn is for me. He tried to meet up with her around my birthday after we got engaged and most recently on May 22 of this year. If anyone has any advice or guidance, I humbly ask for help. I’m a Christian so I’ve been praying endlessly, but other than God, I feel completely alone and so betrayed.

having a driving phobia in America is just miserable. I cant walk fucking anywhere. I live in the middle of nowhere. it takes me an hour to get to my job because of traffic. and btw I dont drive to work, my sister or dad does, because the anxiety is so bad I haven't driven anywhere besides my neighborhood with my parents since I was 16. and my sister is all in a tizzy cuz I was scheduled to work Friday and she just HAS to go to Pilates with her friend at the same time. my dad would have to redo his schedule to take me. and he wouldn't mind because hes so supportive. thats why im like my sister needs to help a bit to take the load off my dad. its just so stressful and I hate it because I LOVE my job. I worked so hard to get this job. SO HARD. I have been doing ERP for my social anxiety since last June and after all my hard work, I landed my dream part time job. the universe finally threw me a bone. my mom and my sister keep stressing about it telling me to email my boss to reschedule me. I have been working on ERP for driving for months as well. but I am in no way able to get to the level where I could drive into a tourist beach town in insane traffic this summer yet. my job is only seasonal. I dont practice driving enough due to the extreme anxiety so I am super rusty with rules of the road. last time I was on a highway was drivers ed and that was 6 years ago. so I am working on it. I don't have public transport near me. I could uber I suppose? I don't want to be a hassle, but at the same time I wish my sister expressed how she knew this was important to me and wanted to help instead of be annoyed at me. and yes, she's allowed to have her life. but I don't ask her for anything. all im asking is for her to just help me out a little. im asking for her to sacrifice a friend date now and then. and btw she sees the same friends 24/7 so I am not asking something unreasonable for her to just move forward her hang out an hour. I may have some friends I can ask to drive me. hopefully that'll work out.

Little background. I’ve been in a relationship for a couple years and one that definitely has been hard. There’s times when my partner would separate for a short amount of time due to his drinking. Last week I thought we were in one of those times when I didn’t see him all weekend and we barley had any contact. During this time one night I masterbated to a picture of an ex. Now that we talked things through I feel so guilty of this. Because in his mind idk how true, he pretty much we’re still together. Yeah the guilt sucks and I’m not trying to fall into rumination. Now I’m seriously debating of bringing this up to him. Although throughout the years he’s done way worse so a part of me says this is nothing to worry out but all those what if thoughts come to mind. Any advice?

i did it right after they sent a message about something unrelated after i was venting about my ocd. this happens a lot wehre ppl send something and the responsibility is on someone else to reply. theres a diffusion of responsibility. but it hurts my feelings im just not cut out for friendships bc im too ill. i guess its better that im gone bc they dont have to put up with that. the thing is i left like 10 mins after a friend texted and i feel horrible bc i dont want her to think its her fault its just in general. last time i did this they texted me all individually. this time, i dont think they will. becausw im a bad person. because i left. because i put the responsibility on them to figure my thoughts out even if its just this once that i was more distressed. i need to learn they are not therapists. maybe i can use the excuse that im just overwhelmed with my mental health and ocd in general. idk how much more of this i can take. this disorder takes everything from me

This is a scare that happens a LOT for me but this time is easily the time that I'm most convinced. I was looking for videos pertaining to my fetish (not illegal, just don't want to talk about it) and I ended up on some weird sites. Ads for specific cam girls that looked kinda young. I decided I was getting tired of the urges to click on those and my brain telling me I liked it and just decided to go to pornhub. After all, biggest porn site in the world, surely their moderation is good? Well, after scrolling for a bit while looking for some basic, vanilla stuff, I stumble across a thumbnail of someone who, while I don't think they're a child, is definitely there to be a stand in for one. I immediately panicked and scrolled away. Then IMMEDIATELY after that, there's this video thumbnail in a language I don't speak, camera pointed right at the legs of two people, one of them very clearly an older male, and the other person looked STARTLINGLY young. Like, to the point where I'm genuinely convinced that if no other time I've panicked about it was the real thing, this would be. I'm freaking out. Part of me feels like I have to go back and look just to verify if that's what it is, but I know for a fact this will just make it worse. I already struggle with feeling like I want to watch this stuff. I don't know what to do about this.

18+ UPDATE 2: well... I lost my girlfriend... my job... and my social life in the span of 2 months... just life has been hitting me with left and rights... I feel... lost... UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

Im trying so hard to be better... but I'm struggling... I just hope someone finds the time to respond... I genuinely feel so lost right now... and someone on here blocked me which makes me feel worse... UPDATE: My ex and I broke up nearly 3 weeks ago... so... the girlfriend thing is outdated... and I'm so exhausted... plus I got assaulted at my job as a caretaker by a member, my supervisor wants to fire me and constantly talks behind my back, and i have no one close who i can talk to... today I turned in my notice... my supervisor said "fantastic" and "talk to you later" in a clearly sarcastic and vindictive manner... im struggling with a lot... yesterday was my last day... and... everything feels... just... wrong... With my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... and that I'll be cancelled and arrested later in life because of all of this... I have genuinely never felt more alone in my life than this particular moment right here... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ graphic HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards kids or teens in any way... 😭😭😭 And I keep getting intrusive thoughts of calling the 14-15 year old "cute" with her saying "thanks" on text... I genuinely find this so awful and disgusting...

I just recently broke up with most of my friends and I’m losing it I’ve never felt so alone before in the end I know it’s better for me because they were mean to me but it hurts and I know I’m going to be alone for a bit and I know I’m spending the summer alone and it’s killing me we were all so close and now their just strangers to me but I can’t deal with it does any one have any advice to accept this? I am trying to find a therapist but I need advice for the time being.

So.. i’m 19. Doing like semi well in life. My parents have my back so in the end i’m fine but damn i quit uni after just a year which was about a year ago and started nursing school which i lowkey also feel like quitting.. the thing is I’ve basically wanted to be a doctor ALL my life. I’m not super smart and i have adhd so my grades have never been amazing but my mom is a nurse and many of her coworkers have told me i would make a great doctor. It’s genuinely been a dream (option 1 was always to become an actor but that’s even less realistic lmao) and now with doing well in nursing school (all a’s but it’s a lot “easier” where i life than it is in the US) it’s never been as realistic for me to actually make it into med school. To get to my current struggle, it started with me wondering if i actually have what it takes to be a doctor. Just a quick reddit search and i fell into this spiral. Can i do med school? Am i too mentally ill? What if the job just ends up making me unhappy. Which specialty would i even go into? All that lead to me being STRESSED. I rarely talk to my parents when i struggle and i cried in my Mamas arms two days in a row. Like.. i’m 19 at some point you gotta know what you want no? And the biggest problem i have now is that suddenly i feel indifferent about being a doctor? I used to think id do well in med school bc it’s something i really want and am passionate about but now it suddenly feels like i dont care at all and i just wonder, is that ocd? Will it go away? It’s been like this for like a month idk

I had my usual moment where I see a child and immediately try my hardest to look away and not have any thoughts. But for some reason the urges to look and act on horrible thoughts are really strong, like abnormally so? It's really weird and worrying me a lot. It's normally not this bad. It genuinely does just feel like my real desires at the moment.

18+ only One of my compulsions is m*sturbation, I'll get triggered by something and have to disprove it and find something "safe" to do said compulsion. Usually this means they have to follow some rules I have: 1) Don't do things I consider immoral (Cosplaying underage characters, doing step fantasy stuff, infantilising themselves in anyway, whether that's an outfit, a hairstyle or a word in a title like "teen" or "18 year old") 2) Be 20 or over (Although when I was in therapy, my therapist told me to trust the verification process of sites and I did so for a while before seeing something that made me doubt their ability on p*rnhub but obviously if people had bios saying they were 18/19 then that person wouldn't be safe, basically one person was verified and when I was checking their social media, I saw something that meant they shouldn't be, I reported everything of course and haven't used the site since.) 3) Don't follow people who break rules 1 or 2 (Usually I give people the benefit of he doubt that they don't know if it's only 1 person or so, but this is what I'm worried about.) I just remembered that the only person I still considered safe might not be, I gave them benefit of the doubt about one person they followed who did things I don't like (Step fantasy stuff) and I'm scared I shouldn't have, this popped into my head and made me check if anyone else in their following is bad the aforementioned person was fetishising the whole step family thing, yuck, and another who follows people I've blocked on Twitter, as I was checking their following I kept being triggered, I'm worried I never should've give them benefit of the doubt the first time, another person they follow, follows people I've previously blocked/reported for being scared they're infantilising themselves or the step family thing, I DM'd one of the people who follow a bunch of people who broke rules one or three to give them benefit of the doubt and let them know about what some of the people they follow do and did the same to the people I considered safe. But it feels like every person I considered safe at some point turns out to do something I consider immoral, sometimes it's me being scared (Like when someone was wearing a checkered skirt or a skirt with two lines at the bottom). The only reason I considered this person no longer safe was because of the site they used that I mentioned earlier

Hi NOCD Community, I am asking for advice on how to manage and embrace uncertainty when faced with multiple OCD obsessions all at once? Everyday I deal with “Pure” OCD compounded with racing intrusive thoughts. There are many subtypes of OCD which pop up and make my brain go into hyperdrive: failure, perfectionism, harm, sometimes scrupulosity, and existentialism. Many ideas or daily tasks can trigger my OCD. My mental compulsions are repeating phrases, rumination, and canceling out the thoughts to ease my discomfort and worry. Every time my brain becomes obsessive and fear-driven, it is hard for me to locate the “hot thought” triggering the obsessions. What happens usually is when my brain picks a topic or theme which it perceives as a threat, an endless loop and cycle emerges. My brain will then progress onto a new threat/obsessions for me to worry and obsess over. It is mentally exhausting. However, I remain hopeful that I am close to fully accept and embrace uncertainty and find a solution to manage my OCD. However, I am posting on here to receive help and feedback on how to manage my personal challenging situation with OCD. Any advice will help. Thank you.

I’m becoming so upset with myself in my relationship because my self esteem is so low that I’m feeling incredibly insecure in my relationship. If my partner talks about another woman, interacts with one, I just freak out and think ‘I’m not good enough, this will be over soon’. This is not a mistrust thing toward my partner because he is incredible and very loyal, however my mind refuses to accept he loves me and any other woman he might come across is just a friend and won’t interfere with our relationship. These thoughts are so scary because I don’t want to control my partner, I just want to accept that he loves me. Any advice? I’m taking medication too, I just started 3 weeks ago so nothing much yet. Thanks ❤️

I feel like I have an ocd compulsion that is unfixable. Basically I cannot stop swallowing. Like it does not matter how hard i try to distract myself or disengage or fight against it. I cannot stop swallowing. And if I do forget about it for 30 seconds My brain immediately sees that and will latch right back onto it. Oh and whenever I feel my saliva it re triggers the ocd and my heart sinks so hard and it’s like okay well now u have to swallow u can’t hold the saliva forever, and when i try to hold the saliva it feels like i can’t breath. It all just started one day i kept swallowing bc saliva kept coming up a lot and then i could not stop doing it and now it’s all i think about from the moment I wake up from the moment I go to sleep no matter how hard I try to distract myself it stays with me. And it’s made me so depressed i’ve never been through this kind of ocd before and i’ve tried to just “accept it” and let it exist and understand it’s a normal bodily function that everyone has and i’ll do that and for days and days it will continue and a week later i’ll get super frustrated because im making no progress. It’s given me so much anxiety and has made me basically want to sleep all the time bc that’s the only time i get a break from it, it makes me not want to do anything either. I’m posting this bc I want to know has anyone else gone through this before? Are there any tips or tricks to delegating this or helping stop this? Please anyone could respond it would be so greatly appreciated I just need someone to talk to about this.

18+ only I keep having groinals after seeing things I feel like I have to report (Like a minute or so after), for example, someone was calling out One Piece's massive problem with s*xualising characters that shouldn't be s*xualised and they posted an example but it was really disturbing and borderline really bad from what I saw for a split second before reporting it because even though they meant well, I felt their point could've been made without having the image there. Sometimes, I'll be on the toilet and scrolling on my phone, sometimes looking for something safe, sometimes just browsing social media, and I'll be itching or have my hand near my privates or be stretching my f*reskin because it gets tight and it helps with it and I'll see something normal like a meme or something with a kid and like quickly whip my hand away even though I wasn't do anything wrong and OCD has twisted this into me doing something horrible and sometimes this happens during a checking compulsion looking for something safe (Again nothing bad obviously) and I'd freak out and it'd just reinforce the compulsion. And sometimes if I've made sure someone is safe, my hand will start the m*sturbation/checking compulsion without me wanting to and doesn't stop when I want it to, it's never happened with anything bad but things I'm personally against (step-fantasy stuff or titles having the word teen 🤮🤮🤮 sidenote but it's insane that's allowed) would be overlayed on the screen or just people I haven't/hadn't cleared due to a bug that was just permanent when you exited full screen. Sometimes I'll randomly do the thing of stretching my f*reskin involuntarily when doing the ya know compulsion even though it's not a s*xual thing and OCD is messing with me. Maybe it's a compulsion but I don't know why, it doesn't alliviate any anxiety or anything I also have to repeat if I accidentally brush my privates or any weird body things. I clench my toes pretty often and sometimes it tenses my privates too. Or constantly looking at people inappropriately without wanting to like someone was rightfully calling out Lolita and Lolita aesthetic and someone posted examples (Nothing bad) but I saw that one of them had like the Tumblr caption/tags and needed to read them and then accidentally looked at them inappropriately and I hate it so much. Or just seeing entirely normal ads with kids and freaking out about them and it sucks. One thing that popped into my head just now was that I keep learning just how evil people I thought were trustworthy were, I remember a lot of people s*xualising the characters from Resident Evil Village, especially the tall lady and her daughters and I got reminded of this seeing someone play resident evil and now I'm terrified that they shouldn't have been s*xualised and I unknowingly did something wrong, the consensus seems to be the daughters are 19-23 but I'm scared that's not true because some random website said otherwise although they've got a lot of things wrong and mentioned concept art that doesn't exist so I don't think they're trustworthy but I think I thought the characters were adults at the time and now I'm scared that I was wrong even though they look like adults but what if I was wrong? (This wasn't recent, I'm freaking out something that happened a while ago, as with most of this stuff it's just popping back into my head now) Does anyone have similar experiences?

Hi everyone. So I’ve had OCD since I was 5. Old enough to remember at least. Just born that way. But I was also very abused as a child, neglected, exhausted, very much traumatized. I left my home at 18, the day after I turned 18 no joke. I counted every day from 16 and up. The abuse escalated when I turned 16 is the thing. I live with my now fiance, we’ve been together for years and I’m back in contact with my family. I’m 19 turning 20 now. But, I am more than likely pregnant. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. But I am neither upset, or distressed because both of us always wanted a family together it’s just a matter of wishing we had more things sorted right now. I don’t know where to go to talk about some of this, but I’m so worried. I’m worried about my family, my OCD gets so bad somedays smashing into this wondering if I’ll be punished one way or another, making me feel the need to do several things and walk on glass. I feel like everyone knows I’m pregnant when I haven’t said anything. It’s so stressful. I’m so tired and confused. And I have a therapist, God bless him, he’s amazing. And he told me it’s okay if I want this baby, and if I don’t. I told him I do even if it’s crazy, I know I’m young but if I’m honest with everyone here, from a young age of 11-12 I was forced to grow up immediately. I was locked in my home often, and surrounded only by adults. No children to be friends with. So whenever I made friends, we were often off balance in maturity. (Don’t worry this isn’t a me thinking I belong with people older.) my fiance however is very similar to me. But he has a sweet innocence about him, yet so put together and has been for years even in our teens. We don’t party, and I’ve been invited to more times than I can count. Drinking isn’t something I enjoy, I’ve tried most things and didn’t enjoy it. But you know my favorite thing? Taking care of children, reading, writing, and spending time with my fiance and all our pets. I don’t know, I can’t stop worrying I’ll be a horrible mother, I’ll end up hurting my child, or what my family will say. Idk if anyone has any advice or anything here. This isn’t strictly OCD as you can tell. A lot of it’s a lot of overlapping things.

I just hope someone finds the time to respond... I genuinely feel so lost right now... and someone on here blocked me which makes me feel worse... UPDATE: My ex and I broke up nearly 3 weeks ago... so... the girlfriend thing is outdated... and I'm so exhausted... plus I got assaulted at my job as a caretaker by a member, my supervisor wants to fire me and constantly talks behind my back, and i have no one close who i can talk to... today I turned in my notice... my supervisor said "fantastic" and "talk to you later" in a clearly sarcastic and vindictive manner... im struggling with a lot... yesterday was my last day... and... everything feels... just... wrong... With my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... and that I'll be cancelled and arrested later in life because of all of this... I have genuinely never felt more alone in my life than this particular moment right here... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ graphic HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards kids or teens in any way... 😭😭😭 And I keep getting intrusive thoughts of calling the 14-15 year old "cute" with her saying "thanks" on text... I genuinely find this so awful and disgusting... (edited)