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Could really use help and all my posts are getting hidden and I don't know why, even though there's nothing bad I don't think so I think I'm just going to leave this post here to talk about it instead of repeatedly making the same posts

I’ve recently hit a very big milestone with my boyfriend. The problem is my fear happened again, I didn’t enjoy it, and couldn’t feel anything because I’m always subconsciously monitoring everything I feel/don’t feel. TMI but It’s really REALLY hard for me to get turned on and the last time I was FULLY in the mood was a couple years ago when I met up with my ex. But after that It’s never happened again. Extra TMI but I can’t even get aroused to things I used to be aroused by before this theme bc I feel like I’m watching for my reaction. But when it’s things I don’t want to feel any arousal towards I get aroused. Moving on, when I first noticed I had a crush on my current boyfriend 4 months ago, my mind was clear and I wasn’t really checking as much. But, when I noticed my feelings and attraction for him my body went into a “scanning” mode and I felt myself going numb. I would start to check if I found him attractive every time I saw him, if I still felt the same way the day I realized I thought he was cute, or if I was still excited about calling him. There’s times where him and I kiss and I’m fully present and enjoy it. But when I notice I start to focus on it again and I start to feel nothing. The best way I can describe it is there is a mini me in the back of my head watching everything I feel. Everything I think, feel, and dont feel is always being “watched” and I don’t know how to stop it. I miss being fully present when I’m with him because I finally felt the things that have been “shut off” ever since this theme started when I was 15. The more I subconsciously monitor the less I feel for him and I hate it.Im trying really hard not to ruminate on my lack of strong feelings, attraction, and libido when I come back from dates with him now. It really sucks because in the beginning of the relationship I was so happy about finally feeling attraction and emotions again. This is so annoying and I really hope someone can relate 😭. I need tips please.

This is so humilating and vulnerable but I will sometimes see a photo of a women and get aroused it goes to my bean lmao. When I’m with my boyfriend I feel more of a heartbeat where he enters and a strong desire like I need it. Are they both true? It bothers me I feel like I’m so weird. I hate it I can accept me being attracted to women but I don’t desire to do anything with them. I feel I fucked up my brain receptors bc I used to watch 🌽 and it started at the age of 8 and barely ended at the age of 18💔💔 I was confused I didn’t know I wish I never touched it. I feel idk what true arousal feels like. The thing that confuses me is the feeling I get when I see women is the same feeling when I have a dream. I don’t like it. With my boyfriend it’s a need a desire. With women I feel grossed out that I even feel like that. Idk why it’s like this I feel that watching from such a young age really messed me up and I focus so much on feeling arousal w my bf i feel I don’t let myself actually get to there. When I’m in the act it feels good and I enjoy it a lot . I just hate that this happens to me I want to be normal I want to get turned on by just kissing him but I can’t I. Only get rly aroused when we are doing something we shouldn’t be like doing stuff in public. I fear I feel this way abt women bc ik it’s wrong and I feel that way about a lot of things like a lot I don’t like it. I can get turned on by making my sims woohoo but I can’t when my bf kisses my thighs im so sad I want to normal I fucked myself up so bad. Does anyone else relate? This is so embarrassing omg I js need to know if anyone is similar bc this is my main trigger my main issue and it tortures me. Ik im not romantically attracted to women but the sexual part rly bothers me I SONT WANT THAT😭💔💔 pls don’t tell me im gay I’ll cry. Also can focusing on arousal be a part of somatic ocd? I’m wondering bc ik it focuses on what the body feels. Idk I just need to know what’s wrong w me seriously

I've been really struggling with this terrible false memory or real event and I don't know what's real anymore, I keep having this fear that the only reason I think it's false is because I want it to be and I just want it to stop, I don't understand why this one is sticking around and the others aren't/didn't. I thought I could trust this artist because they were followed by another artist that a lot of people who I think are normal and share my morals follow so I projected my morals onto that artist and who they follow, I saw art sexualising a character who I assumed was of age and despite them not having an official age they don't look old enough to be sexualised when I googled it later, I don't think they looked the same in the art I saw but I saw something else they posted and they looked too young to sexualise also but I don't know if it's hindsight or not (This part definitely happened, when I reported them I saw it) but I just have a vague thing of the art of the character that I don't think ever showed their face or didn't look the same because if I thought they looked too young I obviously wouldn't have let it be but the image keeps changing in my head and I'm worried I saw more art sexualising this character (which was maybe true when I was reporting them or smth idk)

POCD TW I already have a therapist bad/morally wrong thoughts feels good and like i agree with them and LIKED THEM during ejaculaiton WHILE i watched adult content and then idk if i came to the thought or the adult. Afterwards I get sad and just want to sleep… this happens so many times and nobody has given me an answer to this they just say that this is concerning… im tired of this rn This happened so many times when i ejaculated I hate that people keep saying that I need to get real help which I already am getting and that I am “entitled” to these thoughts. I’m already tired enough of my life now I have to deal with this and I can’t even m@sturbate in peace now. I’m done with all of this. My life was crap enough before this now it’s worse

OCD can feel so isolating. I understand the need to stop compulsions and not constantly confess. But I find that this has been an extremely lonely process. I’ve been dealing with OCD for several years now and I find that keeping it all to myself feels so “irresponsible”. This is especially true with real event or false memory OCD where I feel like I could have done something wrong but I’m not sure. Many times it feels like I could be hiding something… which triggers the downward spiral of “what ifs”. That being said, when I do share bits and pieces of what I’m dealing with, it may satisfy for a time, but it always comes back. The uncertainty lingers and pain returns. So what to do? Keep it bottled up?? I’m only human and I don’t have a ton of family/friend support right now…my wife is my best friend and the only person I truly rely on. I feel like I’ve let her down. I feel like a failure. On top of that, OCD can make me feel like I’ve harmed those around me. Pls help with your experiences/ thoughts.

I can catch myself ruminating but it’s always too late. Before I know it I’m already emotionally invested in the thought and fired up. Example if I have an argument with a coworker or small dispute I can potentially go on to ruminate over it for days. I’ll be able to catch myself doing so but I’ll always go back to ruminating. While all this is going on my mind is constantly coming up with new and old scenarios. Future scenarios of conflicts that may never ever happen, or at least not in the way I can predict. Or it’ll keep replaying the past trying to think of what I could have said. Please someone tell you overcame this? There has to be someone out there who’s broke this cycle and went on to live a normal life? There has to be someone right….

18+ please (Mentions of 🌽) I've been having a really annoying pattern of seeing something that triggers my checking compulsion, usually an attractive woman my brain instantly objectifies and sexualises them and I'll usually say something (in my head) like "They're so pretty" to try and stop the objectification sometimes multiple times then I'll go on twitter or instagram (Maybe to do the checking compulsion without realising idk) then I'll see something that triggers my POCD that makes me not want to do the checking compulsion but at the same time reinforces the stress I feel which makes me want to do it to relieve stress (My checking compulsion is sometimes to porn and sometimes I'll destress if you know what I mean) and it's like this balancing act that's really irritating, I'm resisting it now but am not always so good at doing it and it makes me feel bad for giving into the compulsion. Most recently I was just watching a streamer who is an attractive woman (Objectively speaking, I'm fairly certain I'm asexual) and my brain did it's usual routine, then I went on twitter and saw more attractive women but also a Spider-Man comic cover with a character that is supposed to be 16 (and 3 other characters) in a weird situation that I think was trying to imply something sexual? (It was just the characters standing around but that seemed to be what other people where thinking as well). People where rightfully talking about how weird this was and someone posted another panel of the character and they were wearing their costume which is like a skintight black suit and you could see the outline of their butt and it triggered me because I got worried I would sexualise it (Which I think I did by being afraid of that happening) and I double checked to make sure it wasn't sexualising her because that's one of my big fears, I don't think it was but it was certainly a bit weird anyway, I clicked off the post and moved on and saw more attractive women that was again reinforcing the checking compulsion and then a drawing of Batman and Robin and Robin is wearing those really weird shorts and my eyeline went there accidentally and again I think I sexualised it and I just wish my brain wasn't like this (I think I also noticed the artist drew a bulge which weirded me out but I could be wrong)

there’s this guy i’ve known since we were both kids, we became friends and “dated” in middle school for like a week. throughout middle (and maybe high school, at least on my end) we both sort of had mutual crushes on one another but never acted on it. he’s had a few girlfriends over the years and usually i would try to just get over him. however lately he’s just been on my mind more than i want him to be. like i’ll just have random thoughts about him or he’ll show up in my dreams and i don’t understand why, i haven’t talked to him in years since we started college. i’ll get feelings that feel like jealousy (i think more at the idea of other people being in happy relationships) and start to imagine what could’ve happened if we’d gotten together or i start to worry about future relationships and whether or not i’ll still be hung up on this dude, if we were to reconnect, if i should still be hopeful of something happening between us later etc. when i see pictures he posts with his gf i have thoughts like “she’s not good enough for him/i hope they break up” and it’s very confusing because i don’t think i actually believe that myself. i don’t want these thoughts at all and i don’t even think i still have feelings for him. he’s just there in the back of my mind and it’s been this way for years. i would like to be in a relationship and frequently imagine romantic scenarios and then he’ll pop up, i guess because it’s just familiar, and sometimes i don’t even push the thoughts away. i feel guilty for this because he’s in a relationship and i don’t want to be having thoughts or what feels like fantasies that i’m indulging in about this person, i really just want the images and constant reminder of him gone. i just want to know if this is ocd related and how to handle it.

I had a crush earlier this year I didn’t actually feel guilty at the time bit now its all i can think about Why would i find someone attractive and interesting like that other than my partner? We didn’t flirt but i did look forward to speaking to him at work (hes a colleague) The crush died and life went on but now my boyfriend proposed im flooded with guilt- what if i cheated and just forgot? I love him and wish i didnt have that crush :( Anyone had a crush when in a relationship ??

TW: intimacy stuff So, I'm on some support discord servers and on one there's one person who's been very helpful and seems mature and good with helping. Today we talked about some of my issues and ended up talking about my intimacy and sexual issues because I was having relationship related scares. I told them how I'm super uncomfortable with porn because I don't like watching people and I've never been intimate and don't do too much exploration because that's just not something I enjoy. For me intimacy is all emotion based so just doing it to do it feels wrong, even when I stuff for myself at the end I just feel sad and disgusted. Basically he tried to help and give advice and told me to try watching different type of porn. I tried to explain I don't like looking at people but he insisted I should at least try. I said OK and left. This really triggered because it made me feel like I was indeed weird for not liking such things or not being wired like everyone else. Now all I can think does me not wanting to watch sex stuff and please myself or sleep with people make me weird? I'm now super upset and spiraling even tho they did genuinely tried to help me. I just feel pathetic and like a weirdo :< (Context I'm demisexual so I'm only interested in intimacy with someone I have an emotional connection, once I like someone I usually get so said more interested in intimacy but when I'm on my own I don't see much joy in it)

All sorts of things bother me. I can’t even name them. I feel so alone, and I don’t really have many hocd thoughts. But I keep thinking about what’s wrong with me. I really wouldn’t want to be asexual or aromantic — I feel like there is a desire inside me to be close to someone, more intimately, safely. Of course I often think about sex too. I’m 21, and it honestly hurts that even people younger than me experience love, relationships, closeness. And I feel like I can’t, like I’ll never fall in love. And at the same time I hope I’m not a lesbian :( I hope I’m not just forcing myself to be straight, like what if I’m only imagining that I’m straight. I feel like I can’t talk about the topic of men with anyone — I feel anxiety and start getting uncomfortable because I feel like I’m lying to myself, that I’m not straight. And I’m scared that this is a sign that I’m not into men. Because if I were straight, I probably wouldn’t have these feelings, right? But then I imagine a man’s hands caressing me, hugging me… and I actually tend to imagine intimate things with a man. But in real life I don’t like anyone. And if someone would told me to try to find someone, to download a dating app for example, to reach out to someone — suddenly I feel like I don’t want to, like I want to run away, and I start feeling sick. But at the same time I have no desire to date women either, I’ve never wanted a relationship with a woman. I’d rather not even think about it. I keep testing it in my head. Whenever love or relationships are mentioned, I feel like running away. But why do I feel some kind of longing inside, or want to not be left out of that feeling? To also have the chance to love, to experience a relationship, maybe even s*x if I felt trust and closeness. But I really don’t understand any of this anymore. Maybe I’m just too emotional today and it hurts me inside. I really wouldn’t want to find out that I’m a lesbian. Because I’m not even interested in looking for women. I never have been. I never had a reason to. I only admired women and wanted to be like them and yea i like my friends but that’s it. It troubles me. I guess I don’t know what love is. At the same time, why did I have that thought recently about that one man, a long time ago — just the image of him giving me a kiss on my forehead, and then later the idea that he gave me flowers, and it made me cry. I felt it in my chest. And even when I remembered it later during the day, I didn’t feel uncomfortable. It felt good. Like it warmed my heart a little. But I’m scared that it’s fake. And what if men actually disgust me. 💔

Whenever I see cute social media posts about relationships and romance, I feel like I shut off emotionally and go numb immediately. I start thinking "Why don't I want that" or "Why don't I feel that way" when I actually do feel that way at times. It's so upsetting and makes me think I need to break up with my boyfriend :( The "maybe, maybe not" strategy is really difficult for me because I'm too hyperaware of the circumstances of my feelings. Is there something I can do to ease into accepting my doubts and thoughts?

Anyone else here that has autism, inattentive adhd, and experiences pure O? I think this is me. I’m diagnosed with autism and OCD and am in the process of taking medication for what could be adhd. What’s it been like for you guys living with all of these? For much of my life what I do is driven by emotion. When I’m feeling great, it’s easier for me to feel up to completing a task or doing something that interests me. When something gives me anxiety and causes me to overthink, it can become overwhelming, I’m kind of shut down and in survival mode. I’m more reserved, less talkative, really stressed, and my mind is just racing. I don’t feel in control of my mind. It’s hard for me to think clearly and feel like I’m able to process my emotions and thoughts. I feel like if I’m to go and do something, I need my emotions and values to be in sync. Otherwise, I overthink, I can’t focus, I’m anxious, and it feels like I’m not being genuine. I want my life to be fulfilling. It took me an hour just to write all of this. This was very difficult for me to do. Lots of deleting and overthinking because I wanted to get it right, along with feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed because I didn’t know exactly what and how I was going to write for this post. At times, it felt like I was scatterbrained and my brain just went blank. I guess it just feels like I got a lot of background noise in my head right now. I wish that I could’ve written this message in such a way where I could’ve felt like it had a clear beginning, middle, and end (since I like to do things with intention). I’m just going to send it as is though because my anxiety would spike and I would overthink a lot more. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this ❤️.

2 weeks ago a guy I’ve been on and off with for a long time we spent time in an air b and b together. I was excited we were exchanging gifts for fall. We got there and we ate and watched tv and around 7 pm his mom called I was instantly upset. I know it’s a bad habit but I go silent when I’m upset or bothered it’s a coping mechanism even for a long part of my life I was mute because of depression and childhood trauma. I was upset because his mom is overprotective of him and she just thinks that I am a bad person and thinks I’m competing with her. She assumes every time we hang out we are having s*x which makes me angry all the time because it shows she has low standards. And he agrees with her because his mother’s love is more than for any woman he will ever date. Point of the story we were watching a movie then I was bored of it then we watched TikTok and then I was cracking jokes with him. At some point we were wrestling and then we were kissing but I was pulling away from him saying no. I am the same height as him but he is stronger than me so even when I’m pulling away I can’t.He had my arms pinned down. I eventually give in to the kiss and we make out then at some point he pulls away and says we can’t do that and then he says he feels like he assaulted me. I denied it but I was mad because at that point I wanted to continue so I went to bed mad. Then in the morning I initiated the kissing but then it was like he was kissing me back then pushed away immediately I stopped. Why do I experience this with him? He has always done this with me especially when he wanted to be on the receiving end never the initiating end for my pleasure. I also have just become mute with him because he doesn’t understand me I have autism and it’s hard for me to let my guard down I am constantly masking. He has manipulative behaviors towards others but a part of me thinks he will change the other part has given up. He cares about me but it’s like sometimes a switch turns on and he changes.

i’m scared if i’m dying or if i have a tumor my side head hurts on my left and it feels like something is crawling on my head and my eye kinda hurts idk what to do help.

Guys I need help issues I've been going through and I honestly need help because if I was masturbating earlier today and it's felt like I purposely thought of my father why it's just I don't know why I just did and I feel so weirded out by it it's just like my thought just starting you know I don't know how to explain it it was just that was doing it and then my brain just focused on that instead my for some reason like it felt like I chose to think it's I am sorry if I'm not explaining it well but I feel like a weirdo and I don't want to be near my family anymore like I've been going through a lot and this is just horrible it's just like I chose to thank the thought and it felt like I wanted it and I feel so weird at all if someone had the same issue please let me know I just want to know I'm not alone in this it's not even that I also had sexuality issues because recently I've been down a spiral of looking at transgender and feminine men content and it's just like confusing for me I think it's just because my brain makes association of men that just made me think of my dad because I'm 18 and young and I'm on explorer myself so after I do it to be so types I honestly just feel shame and regret I don't think I am gay at least not that I know because afterwards I don't really like it but I just feel shame when I do it but also I feel so horrible because it felt like I thotght it on purpose like it's just I don't know how to explain it I just thought it and now I'm afraid

I want to know whats the worst thoughts / content you ever got and how you got through it , and what about your relationship? Because I’m currently having thoughts that go like “imagine xyz act “ (sexual ocd) and it can throw in things like my bf friends names or even continue the statement like that and it bothers me so much . I feel like I’m going numb yet at the same time I feel really sad and depressed about it

Tw: intimacy I’ve had bad ROCD, especially around intimacy and sex. It was actually manageable for a little while but now it’s gotten bad again. Sometimes when I’m half-asleep or not paying attention I get subconscious thoughts or little flashes of wanting/imagining intimacy. The second I snap back to reality I feel instantly disgusted and sick to my stomach. There’s kind of an opportunity to date someone right now but the whole idea terrifies me. I have literally zero experience (and I’m not that young), so people are always surprised and it makes me feel weird and alienated, like I can’t just be “normal” about it. On top of that my retroactive jealousy is awful. I can’t get over the other person’s history or body count, especially if anything was casual, because it goes against everything I actually want. Logically I don’t even care that much about sex or pleasure, but my brain is completely latched onto it. I can’t feel comfortable being touched by someone who’s touched other people that way. I hate the idea of being someone they just settle with. I hate the idea of them teaching me anything because all I can think about is how they learned it with someone else. Yet I want love so, so badly. I just want to feel safe and comfortable with someone while my mind is finally quiet instead of screaming “they’ve slept with other people, you’re not special, they won’t find it as special with you because you’re not the first.” It’s so frustrating and exhausting. I want a perfect relationship while knowing no one is perfect and has a past. :< Anyone else stuck in this exact mess? I could really use some hope. I know I keep posting this but I'm just feeling hopeless and scared. I know it'll get better but right now it's very bad.

I recently found out that I have OCD and it was honestly an enormous relief. I spent nearly ten years having been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression, receiving incorrect treatments and trying to apply coping mechanisms that were actually making things worse for me. You may think that this would make me angry to think I could have been on the path to recovery sooner and wasn’t, but I’m honestly just thankful to finally know. When I read NOCD’s list of subtypes, my jaw was on the FLOOR because it felt like half of the article was written about me. The only time in the last decade I felt I found something effective was an audiobook I found on my own about intrusive thoughts which used a technique very similar to ERP. Go figure. Anyway, I had a couple of questions that may be cathartic or help others be reflective. First, who else was misdiagnosed? How long? What was your treatment experience like and what was your reaction when you learned the truth? Share as much or as little as would be helpful to you. Second, were there ancient signs you suddenly started remembering that now make way more sense? For me, it was sensorimotor and existential OCD. In high school, I had an extended phase where I couldn’t stop paying attention to how much I blinked and also had a phase where I could not stop questioning reality and your classic existential questions. I also had a period in college when my eye floaters drove me absolutely nuts every day. Anyway, hope you’ve come across this feeling well and I’d be happy to hear from you.