First off - Iām sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldnāt pick one struggle and settle with it. Iām not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someoneās advice please. I love hearing everyoneās advice on posts because itās so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesnāt feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but itās also been thorough and constructive enough where itās reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and Iām so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think itād drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and itās been teaching me so many amazing techniques. Iāve been making progress.
However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. Iāve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. Iād do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. Iād make his bed for him multiple times, but I havenāt done that for myself in years. Iād sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but heād never do the same and Iād never do the same for me. Iām also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I donāt want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping theyāll think Iām pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I donāt understand it. Ocd makes me think everythingās a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while.
For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I wonāt be successful, Iāll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCDās version of ālogicā isnāt even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where Iām dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and itās a very odd and bizarre feeling. Iām excited of course, but Iām also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like āwhat if I will never make the most of this life Iāve been givenā, āwhat if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other peopleās lives is a background characterā, āwhy do I care if Iām a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like meā, āare people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?ā, āI need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am nowā, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes itās like I just canāt take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what Iām saying? Can anyone help?