need some support, feel like im not like u guys

TW / POCD, Real Event OCD im a girl and ive been dealing with intrusive sexual thoughts for almost 5 years, it started when i was 15 and im 20 now. but i just feel like ive reached rock bottom. the worst part of it all is just that i feel like im different from most people who deal with these thoughts, because sometimes i act as a compulsion. like one time i booped a toddler’s pout to make sure i didnt feel anything (i didnt) or when i stared at a naked baby far too long to reassure myself that to me its just a regular normal baby and that i dont feel attracted. but then when i read that “people with pocd would never act on these thoughts” and i think about these past situations and i think “oh my god i did act so this means im dangerous to children because i touched that toddler’s lips and im a harasser and im just faking ocd”. i also have been dealing with a bunch of groinal responses lately and they make me feel so disgusted, i panic at even a slight movement at my body parts. the guilt and shame is unbearable. i have such a loving family, good friends, a perfect boyfriend. they keep telling me how special and how much they love me. even the little kids in my life want me to play and want me to be with them (this makes even more guilty, like am i luring these kids to like me so i can be close with them?). but the fact is that the people in my life dont know whats going on in my brain and im too much of a coward to tell them because im so afraid of losing them and them being disgusted. but i dont feel like i deserve all the love i receive. like at all. i keep praying and crying to God to change me and to make me a better person and to make these thoughts go away. i just wanna look at kids and dont think all the awful things i do. even when my brain keeps telling me that i love and cant live without these thoughts. kiss and hug a baby and dont be afraid of how i react. be able to have a child someday. i miss loving myself, i look at all the other girls my age and i just wish i could be like them. i used to be a normal teen, who didnt have these type of thoughts. i just wish i could love myself and be confident and happy with myself but lately all i want to do is to die.

RayMoe

Date posted: Yesterday

I've heard people discuss these sort of things before with POCD. And it sounds like you just performed compulsions. If you can meet with a OCD therapist and begin ERP that would be best. Also, getting some OCD Workbooks/learning more about how OCD works. There's plenty of NOCD videos on YouTube that are very informational. Overall, the more you respond or react to the thoughts/push away the thoughts it'll get worse regardless of what your OCD theme is. The more you test yourself, google, or research looking for answers the worst it will get. The more you seek reassurance, the worse it will get. You may experience temporary relief but it will almost always be followed by long term suffering. You are not any different than anyone on here to be honest. We are all suffering with some form of OCD. You're here I assume because you want support. It sounds like you're still learning how OCD works. If you familiarize yourself you may find you are not so different. You deserve to be free from this suffering. I hope you can find support in an OCD therapist that has helped me immensely. Good luck!

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

You are not alone! I’ve been where you are and I understand how horrible it feels. But it’s not horrible. You have to tell yourself that thoughts are just thoughts and they hold no meaning! The only meaning they have is the meaning you give to them. So if you have a POCD related thought.. invite it and they say to yourself ‘gee, that’s a silly thought’ and move on. It’s hard at first but with practice you will learn not to fear those thoughts! The groinal responses are just physiological response that has nothing to do with your sexuality, it’s involuntary kind of like your thoughts are right now. Educate yourself on POCD and OCD in general and don’t give up! You will conquer this!

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