Struggle adjusting to plans changing

I’m not sure if it’s an AuDHD thing or an OCD thing (or likely a combination of the two), but it is SO difficult for me to adjust to the slightest change in my plans for my day. For example, if I ask my boyfriend to hang out and he agrees (or even if he just says maybe), and then says he can’t later on, I get really frustrated and I feel really irritated. It sometimes makes me think he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to make time to see me. I know that isn’t the case and that he’s genuinely just busy or doesn’t feel up to hanging out, but I just get so locked on trying to find a solution. If I can’t, I just get irritated. I have to alter the order of what I plan to do during my day, and that really irritates me. I like to have somewhat of a rough idea of what every day will look like. It’s hard for me to let go of control. I’m really trying to get better about it because it isn’t fair to my boyfriend, but it’s really hard to recognize that I’m overreacting in the moment. Has anyone else been through something similar or have any advice?

Steve.Ribby

Date posted: 7d

Yes, I have the same thing. And then I struggle with myself to not affect my partner by making it their problem. I'm searching for the same answers/coping ideas.

stelalala

Date posted: 7d

@Steve.Ribby I feel really bad about it because like… it isn’t his fault I’m so picky about plans but I make it his fault sometimes and I’m trying not to but it is really hard. I’ve gotten better about it, but it is still hard.

Mal-Pal

Date posted: Yesterday

I have ADHD. My boyfriend and I have a shared whiteboard calendar on our fridge. That has really helped in him understanding the rigidity of my plans. He puts his events on there too so I can be prepared in advance and plan around his things as well. I think it has helped both of us. If he sees that I’m hanging out with my friend Saturday morning, he often will now adjust his plans and choose to go running during that time since he realizes I’m not available. It also has created kind of a daily conversation of - what’s on the calendar for tomorrow and we can verbally run it back so we’re on the same page. Then if the next day comes and something shifts, it’s easier for me to be like well hey that’s a change in what we talked about and we navigate the change together.

stelalala

Date posted: Yesterday

@Mal-Pal See, that is a really good idea!! I’ve tried to do something similar with my boyfriend, but he refuses because he “doesn’t know when he’ll be busy”. Then I’m under the impression he isn’t busy. When I ask to hang out multiple days in a row and he says no every time, I get frustrated. I feel like I shouldn’t be getting frustrated because he acts like it is absurd for me to get upset over that.

Mal-Pal

Date posted: Yesterday

@stelalala Yeah, I get that - I will say the calendar is 80% my events, but I think it helps him realize why I’m wanting to prioritize spending certain days with him or why I’m not willing to be flexible when he can see my events and when I’m busy. My personal recommendation is always going to be- if he isn’t going to prioritize agreeing to plans with you then I would fill your time with other things. When my partner and I first started dating I felt like I was always asking him to hang out so I started to fade from doing that. When he finally did ask to make plans I was like, yes we can hang out but in 2 weeks because I’m busy. He realized pretty quick that if he wanted to spend time with me that he was going to need to be prompt about it and secure a time with me. Now that we live together the visual schedule has certainly helped keep that going.

stelalala

Date posted: Yesterday

@Mal-Pal Thank you!

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