recorded myself reading my journal entry out loud

sort of like a video diary. i considered posting it on tiktok, but as i’m an “internet person” (on other platforms not tiktok) i’d risk my privacy by posting it, so it’s not really an option for me. so instead, i’ll remain anonymous and share it with some people who maybe actually get it. writing was always my strong suit. idk anymore journal entry march 2nd 2026: i feel utterly lost without a loved one because… what is the purpose of all this? what’s the purpose of just working and making money? and more money. and more. just so that i can live a “luxury” life, which for me, i’ve realized is just: rest. that’s all my body and mind desire and at night when it’s time to wind down and “rest”, i feel incomplete without sharing that with someone whether romantically or platonically “i just want to be held” replays in my mind. i found myself leaning towards wanting to put the game down and do some apartment shopping online instead. but it felt like an urge (or dare i say, compulsion). like hyper fixating on finding the right curtain rod will absolutely free my mind of its loneliness. because i will nitpick every cm of each curtain rod i see online. picture it in my room. in each color. replay it over and over. add to cart, but don’t buy. keep looking at others until i find the perfect one; which never exists. but here’s my dilemma: is there really even a solution to this problem? working on my ocd compulsions just leaves an open door for my “feelings” to come out. which are: I AM LONELY. but i don’t want just anyone in my space with me. i want my other half. i want my sister. i want my old family dog back. i want to just be home with my sister and our dog watching a funny show and i want all this growing up to stop. and i want to have a crush on a boy and not have it consume me. if that’s all i want: either a romantic partner, or to have some quality time with my sister (who’s married and has a one year old and has distanced herself from me the past 5 years) and our family dog (who died two years ago), and to rest… then, that is almost more unobtainable than fixing my brain. so in that case, why not just lean into the ocd and escape into perfectionism shopping? i won’t enjoy any of it anyways, if i do buy something. because i’ll still be in my bedroom alone.