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Im struggling today with the thought I am unloveable and that I’m to much and that everyone around me is mad at me.

Ik the answer is probably “you can’t” but I wanna ask: how do I tell the difference between real attraction vs false attraction I was running a meeting with a colleague/friend. I was telling her about my new jeans that I got for free (cuz they’re sick as hell, they’re denim cargos) and that’s when I got the groinal response. I did also do some public speaking stuff (regarding Palestine and some upcoming protests the students are doing and we are going to be part of as a club as we are signatories, and I didn’t know if anyone was against Palestine in the room) and had convos with other people about school and MCAT prep (most of our club members are premed/comp sci students lol. We’re nerds). I also did tell said colleague about a weird convo I had with a man while I was getting my coffee (also regarding Palestine, I was wearing my keffiyeh. It was weird. I told her about the racial profiling the same guy (possibly?) was going to hijabi girls and it freaked us both out.) and then the groinal response stayed till we left the meeting/building together. And I’m slightly worried I like her. But I don’t. I know what crushes feel like for me. This was not that. I usually get butterflies very quickly when I have a crush. That’s what happened with my current bf whom I love dearly. And when it comes to arousal I feel it very intensely in my groin/stomach. This was not that. It was a tingle and I did feel some discharge. Idk it freaked me the hell out and I’m nervous I’m gonna start developing feelings. How would I know if I am and how do I know if this was false attraction? It definitely bothered me, I didn’t want the thoughts my brain threw at me and I didn’t wanna feel aroused in any way by this friend. She’s a good friend and a good colleague. And we’re both dating people. Regardless. If we weren’t I wouldn’t wanna date her either. But my brain keeps yelling at me yes yes yes you do. I’m just constantly worried now that I’m attracted to her lately. It’s been jumping from friend to friend. Friends in my dorm hall, a random male candidate I interviewed (who happens to be friends with said colleague) and now this colleague. I don’t like this feeling. I was also fighting the urge to tell people the whole love story between me and my bf cuz LOL I love telling it. So clearly I do love him, but now I’m worried that urge was there to suppress smtjn but it was just there cuz a lot of things we did reminded me of him and I wanted to tell people who didn’t know or weren’t familiar with my bf and I our story (cuz it sounds like a damn romcom. We met at an origami meeting where we made elephants (which I still have), I fell first, I found out he was Muslim, I’m catholic, star crossed lovers lol, I confessed, we cried, we started dating. He happens to be of a reputable family in our uni city which is just 😃fuxking wonderful. His parents hate me, he loves me, my ocd just sounds like a foghorn but I fight through it for him. We’ve been together almost 2 years and we plan to get married hopefully in the future. This is my first long term relationship so I am petrified I am a liar or hiding my true sexuality or smthn lol yay ocd right 😃 but yeah. The whole thing was really romantic. At least to me. My friend hid my dirty laundry for me while he and I talked. We kissed. We cuddled for 6 hours and watched Vox machina. Neither of us could stop smiling. I was so scared but it has been so surreal. It still is. When I have a clear head god I can see how much I adore him but I’m so worried it’s comphet or if it’s just normal relationship stuff. Idk how this works honestly. I adore him. He makes me feel so happy. I love how he looks at me. How I feel when I look at him. But every time I say anything that I actually truly feel I start getting nauseous or having that globus sensation in my throat.) Anyways I’m gonna go lose my mind over calculus and also eat some Popeyes.

recently, I’ve noticed over the last five months or even more that my brain gets caught on one specific thing each month that last week‘s on end. This might sound really stupid but last month it was religion, God and Jesus, as everything was being talked about after the death of Charlie Kirk. I never grew up religious and I’ve never been to church. Therefore, I have not been taught what these things mean and how they are significant to some people. I’ve never learned the Bible nor have i read it but recently I was fighting with whether I believed in God or not because I felt like I had nothing on my side, but here and there I get these signs and I try to be open and spiritual about them so I end up getting really confused and for weeks it’s all I would battle. I had to delete Instagram and Facebook and threads because it’s all I would see and I just needed time to figure out what to do. Short story is that I still haven’t found out what I believe in that’s OK. The hard part is how to cope with it because my brain is running at 1000 mph. Now this month recently, I’ve been very caught up in my partners life and how I feel excluded when things don’t go my way. my partner ended up canceling our dinner plans to go to a big football game. My partner went to a concert with their sibling and every time my partner plans something they just demand what their plans are without telling me and it makes me feel like I’m not involved or invited and I just don’t do that to them. Is it the way that I was taught and raised? I have no idea is it my OCD acting up again and again ? I have no idea. Long story short is that I’ve already tried therapy. I’ve tried marijuana, listening to music and calming down deleting the apps that trigger me and still it’s bad. just the other day my partner and I had plans for a month to go to a Halloween party together and we found out that it would start at 5:30 and I didn’t get off of work till six. Basically my partner didn’t wanna wait till 6 o’clock to show up to the party and wanted to be right on time at 5:30 and have me drive separately and meet them there my brain made a really big deal about this because I felt left out and that my partner wanted to show up alone and didn’t care for me to be by their side. And that hurts a person like me a lot. I realize a lot of the times maybe I do make a big deal out of these situations, but I have a hard time deciding whether it’s a real situation that anyone could be mad over or is it just specifically my OCD brain? Does anyone else get like this like overly sensitive and emotional and they’ve never usually been in that type of person?

So I don’t normally do this … I can’t remember the last time I posted on here but I’m having a really rough day today and would appreciate anyone’s support or advice without giving too much reassurance. I’ve been dealing with OCD for the last 2 1/2 years. I’ve been in ERP therapy for the same amount of time and it’s just been a real struggle. When it comes to logic, I know everything you can know about the brain and how it works and OCD and how it operates. I’ve dealt with harm OCD, sexual OCD, health OCD, and now relationship OCD. Every single one of them at the time felt like the worst one yet. When it comes to the response prevention part of ERP I consistently have a hard time. My brain goes so out of control that no matter what I try to do (or not do) nothing works or nothing helps. With ROCD right now it’s surrounding my marriage and it’s really distressing. It started off with complete numbness around my husband, I felt a really intense disconnect from him like I didn’t love him anymore. I had thoughts of divorce, I’ve had thoughts of him not being the same towards me, I’ve felt fake around him like I was lying about wanting to be with him. Then the OCD would completely flip the script and I would feel guilt for feeling these things. Like an intense sadness comes over me and I just sob. The one that is really hurting me right now is a situation where I was on social media a while back and I happen to comment on someone’s page just for the fact that they posted something funny and relatable. The person (who’s a male) messaged me and I responded to them. I didn’t cross any lines, nothing inappropriate was said, but I was almost expecting this person to be flirty with me (which he wasn’t). If he was flirty, I would’ve told him that I was married anyway. And I would’ve showed my husband the whole thing like I’ve done before. However, the fact that I responded to this person and not others is what my brain can’t let go of. All day I’m questioning my intent., why I would expect this person to be flirty with me, why would I want him to be etc ….. Another incident yesterday I was gonna post a picture on social media (which I very rarely do) and as I was about to post it, I get flooded with these thoughts saying “ post it so other guys can see”, “ guys are gonna comment and my husband is going to see”, “ post it to make my husband jealous”. I didn’t end up posting anything but again the whole question of my intent behind almost posting it has me in a complete spiral. “I wanted other men’s attention”, “why would I want other men’s attention and not my husband”, “did I want my husbands attention and that’s why I wanted to post it”, “what if I ended up talking to these guys and liking it”. The spiral was so bad that it put me in a complete and total meltdown in my house. I feel like there’s a reason behind wanting attention from other people., I almost feel like I emotionally cheated, I feel like I shouldn’t continue therapy anymore because after all this time, I’m still in this mess of a situation. I’m just having a really hard time today. I don’t know what’s true and I don’t know what’s not and I’m hurting. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has experience this or something similar to it? If anyone else finds ERP challenging.? Any words of hope would be greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much.

I have a girl in my life who I adore, me and her had a super rocky start, she had been in so many situationships because men never truly wanted her. Well I sure as hell did. We dated and she got overwhelmed and was confused on what she was feeling, broke up with me. That turned into us being in a situation, which she off and on cut off due to guilt of not knowing how she feels. This lasted from July to January. In January her ex situationship comes down. The guy she first felll for. Our exclusivity wasn’t really stated at this point and we weren’t dating just kissing… the next month she comes to me and we have a chat. I admit how much I love her but she needed to want me or it’s friends and nothing else. from that day forward she has been amazing. Till one day when she has a falling out with her friend and the ex is involved. She tells me that she kissed him when he came for that day. Said she needed to know what she was feeling. So she could truly give me her all. The problem is I had asked if anything happened back then and she lied. I love her so much and I do not want to leave. She has showed remorse and been amazing. She has showed me how much she loves me. She was up at 5 am before I work today making me pancakes. I want to stay. I don’t often think about it anymore I just have been having a flare today. I’m not stupid for doing what I did and pushing on right? So sorry for the huge message

Just curious if anyone else deals with this. I have ocd related to specific things related to relationships, religion, checking, things like that, but I also wrestle with an anxiety that comes up sometimes that’s like this… undefined existential dread like I need to DO something to get rid of this horrible feeling, but because the feeling is so non-specific, there’s nothing to do, and it makes me feel like screaming sometimes but I don’t even know what the problem is. It feels pressing and urgent in the same way ocd compulsions do, but there’s nothing to actually DO except internally panic, try to distract myself, and repeat. It’s annoying because it isn’t a specific anxiety that I can define, and it isn’t a compulsion that I can work through with therapy, it’s this just. Vague feeling of “something is deeply, terribly wrong and you need to do something to fix it”, but I have no way of trying to address it. Does this have a name? Is this something that anyone here relates to, or is it maybe something unrelated to ocd?

Hey, Ive been dealing with rocd for 4 months now and im feeling like its getting slowly better. However, i think because rocd is letting go, so-ocd decided to step up. For the record, im homoromantic and bisexual, in a lesbian relationship. My first so-ocd-like thought was what if i should be with a man instead of a woman, because lately i feel more aroused by male genitals. It caused me a lot of anxiety because i never had this kind of thought in my life. Ive never really been attracted to men in real life. Ive never had sex with one and i never saw myself marrying a man. But i keep getting thoughts that i want to be with them and i want to spend the rest of my life with a man but i know thats not what i truly want and ofc i dont want those thoughts to be true because i know i love my gf and i want to marry her. The worst part is that i started to check my attraction towords men and imagining being in a realtionship with them and it makes me disgusted a little with myself. I also think that my thoughts about men are more related to rocd rather than to so-ocd, because i feel like my brain is constantly trying to convince me to leave my gf. No matter what reason and its just coming up with new ones every two weeks. Do any of you guys know what can i do to get rid of this problem? Please help i cant live like this.

I’m not sure how to handle this so I come for some advice and maybe tips on how to handle the ROCD. Basically, my boyfriend had a friend group some years ago, they stopped talking to him in a way that made him feel sad. I have no friendship with them and honestly don’t care about them nor like them. They go to my school, I see them in the hallways sometimes; here’s the problem, I waved to them and they waved to me for some time after they stopped talking, I thought nothing of it and didn’t even register for a sec that it was them waving at me, how? Well I used to wave at people if they seem familiar to just go on about my day and avoid embarrassment or comments about being rude later, I kinda used to do it as a reflex so that doesn’t happen, now I don’t anymore, but sometimes happened more when I was stressed and dissociating because school is just an extremely stressful place for me where mu thoughts are racing and I’m only concerned about surviving the damn day, not really present, and just thinking about how to relax which puts more pressure on me. I don’t say this to justify the waving, it’s an explanation of why I did it. Something my grandma told me when I asked for advice was that I didn’t do it with intentions of being friendly to them or making my boyfriend feel hurt, and that made me feel better because it is true, but the guilt and doubt and rumination and memories and everything honestly, are eating me alive I’ve been ruminating about this and feeling extremely guilty for it, my mind makes me feel like it’s the end of the world and I should be punished because it feels like a form of betraying and I feel this is something that could actually make him feel hurt. I’ve been meaning to apologize because in my eyes it’s better to be honest and I always wanna be honest to my partner and give him the power to decide how to feel about this situation. I’ve been putting it off however because my mind tells me “What if instead I make it worse and he feels my explanation is really stupid and that I did this on purpose? I mean my explanation tho true, could sound false and stupid” “What if this is confession OCD or just a compulsion to apologize and I make it worse due to being so anxious?” “What if I make the problem worse?” and the one that sets me back the most, “I need to be regulated in order to properly apologize and approach this with a cold mind since I don’t wanna feel so guilty he ends up conforting me or carrying my emotional load instead of me carrying and caring for his” This is also important: I’ve been having memories which I’m not sure are even true, I have a distant memory about the moment this happened, because yes I was there and yes this makes me feel EVEN WORSE I kinda remember saying they wave at me and I wave at them and him telling me it’s ok and he doesn’t really mind, the memory is so distant I can’t tell if it’s actually real or it’s just again, OCD! (wether real or not tho, I still feel the need to apologize again and it’s my intent ) I’m pretty tired of ruminating and beating myself up and I feel like it’s kinda complicated to talk now that he moved away and we’re long distance, I’m gonna cry more than I already have I also have been dying because the thoughts and guilt and doubt are all eating me alive and it creeps whenever I say I love you, whenever I make a gift or card or say anything with love. My mind is bullying me and I’ve been beating myself up about it. I’m stuck and confused and anxious Please share some advice if you have

I very much believe I have an anxious attachment style and it’s very closely linked with my BPD and OCD. In the past year, I became very close with an old friend. It was great. She’s a very reassuring person, she understands how im a very anxious individual, especially when it comes to someone being annoyed with me. I’ve never had a best friend before, and at last I thought this is it! We contacted everyday, all day. Saw eachother every week (despite living in different cities) it was amazing. I was genuinely happy. These past 4 month have been earth shattering for me- my grandma passed away in my arms, 2 days after my dad got diagnosed with cancer, a month later his body was rejecting treatment, a month after that my grandfather passed away in my arms. Safe to say, a lot has happened. My friend was there the entire time… until She started a new relationship about a month ago. It’s new, it’s exciting. She’s infatuated with him. I told her how happy I am for her. She deserves a good guy. Since then, I’ll maybe receive one or two messages a day (if I’m lucky). They don’t seem like her usual messages. I brought it up that like- hey I’m really happy for you. I haven’t heard much from you are you ok. She validated my feelings and said she’ll try and be better. However it continued to happen, in times that I felt I really needed her (crying about the recent events of my life). Again, I gently brought up the issue again. Where she said again, she’ll try and do better. This has continued to happen, if not worsen. I constantly bounced back and forth from being irritated/disheartened to feeling like ‘what if it’s me? What if I’m the reason she’s not answering? She’s leaving me’ I met up with her for the first time in months a little while back and she seemed her usual self, so this is where I realised, it’s hurting me much more than it’s affecting her. Is there any way that I can healthily soothe myself, I don’t want it to be in a form of anger (which I am finding it to be recently). I’d like to be able to not constantly worry why she’s not responding. I have enough on my plate.

Hi, I feel pressured at work. I tried doing exposure for about 15 minutes, and during that time, I had a lot of sexual thoughts — but then I calmed down and had some coffee. After that, the “challenge” thoughts came: like “I dare you to look,” “I dare you to do this,” “look at the men there,” or “look at the manager for a long time.” I don’t know, but I feel restricted. There’s a manager whose office is near mine, and sometimes he comes close while working, which makes me feel pressured. So should I do what the thoughts tell me to do — like look — or not? Someone told me to ignore them, but I want to do exposure properly. How can I do that without staring at people for too long and looking weird? Also, my manager’s gaze is uncomfortable sometimes.

It all started 25 years ago in junior high school. At first it was the way I walked, I remember one day thinking that I was walking "like a girl" and needed to keep that in check. Already there was this theme of gender insecurity. Then HOCD hit and caused major depression for a few years. But it was nothing compared to the TOCD that replaced it and has plagued me to this day, because here I actually had reasons to believe I could be trans: around the age of 12 I started developing this debilitating bundle of social anxiety around other men, coupled with a feminization/submission kink which I think goes hand-in-hand with the social anxiety. At the root there is this feeling that I'm inferior to most men, so the interactions with them (or even just being around them) are very painful and fill my mind with images of myself being feminized, “sissified”, dominated sexually. I often resort to compulsively looking for some girl/woman nearby or anyone I feel is nonthreatening, to alleviate the mental turmoil. I constantly observe myself, how I move etc and anything vaguely “feminine” (whatever it means to my sick mind, I guess anything that shows vulnerability, sensitivity, empathy?) needs to be suppressed and countered with something stereo-typically masculine. And then when I'm alone and still drowning in all those disturbing feelings and thoughts, I start getting urges to embody that twisted self-image and seek sexual gratification from it, finding it very addictive and hard to resist probably because it has that shame and taboo component. The kind of bottomless rabbit hole that may lead to transitioning and living in fantasy-land 24/7 if you decide to embrace it, and reddit is full of men who do just that. So I think I got one of the worst deal of cards ever. The fact that there is a concrete basis for my gender OCD is why I’ve never tried to tackle all that stuff with OCD-specific therapy. So all I’ve been doing is try to “solve” the complex traumas that I assume are at the root of the feelings of crushing inferiority, but it’s far from clear how I should go about it. To be honest I’m still pretty much in the same spot I was decades ago fundamentally, which is incredibly depressing. Those issues have ruined my life so far, I have no friends, I’ve been unable to express my potential in career paths that required networking and socializing, I’m clinging to a dead-end job because I don’t see the point in trying something else when everything ends up tainted and ruined by the same old issues. In recent years I tried several treatments which improved my ability to break the thought loops, and to not beat myself up constantly for the painful interactions and shame-inducing urges, so in a sense they helped me function better and brought periods of relative optimism. But I don’t like the idea of being on meds for life especially if the root issues persist. And I’ve seen how the positive effects, quite radical at first, quickly fade off to a level where you start having very bad days again. With depressing side effects. So I don’t know, I feel like I’ve got multiple severe defects interacting and reinforcing one another, and frankly I’m getting very tired. I mean I also have attachment issues, so a healthy long-term relationship is incredibly unlikely and I actually have relationship OCD every time I try to get serious with someone. Too bad, because having a girlfriend is usually a major source of relief for all my gender insecurities, and normal sex tends to make my stupid trauma-fed kink go away. I don’t know what to do in terms of therapies, I believe my case would require daily work with a team of experts in various techniques but I’m just a nobody so I only have access to regular therapists, whom I always feel can’t handle the complexity I’m facing. Do you think I should still try to find an OCD/ERP therapist?

Okay… this might sound like a typical post from a lonely teenager.. it’s not. I need to give some background though for it all to really make sense so bear with me.🥲 I grew up in a really toxic household- my mom drank a lot, and did numerous amounts of drugs. Growing up, I basically took care of her. We moved a lot because of what she was doing, so i never really had friends until we moved to Chicago, which ultimately was the best and worst place we ever lived in, and ultimately where most of my family passed including my mom. For more background, my dad wasn’t and still isn’t in the picture… I have separation anxiety, depression which is managed just fine tbh I’ve worked really hard to pull myself out of depression- bf has also helped with that a lot. I struggle a lot with anxiety as well, i have PTSD but honestly not much triggers me anymore due to me not being in that environment and just working on my own issues so to speak. I struggle with control issues, as i was never in control as a kid bc I couldn’t stop my mom from doing all the drugs, sleeping with the men, all the stuff I went through, but at the same time I was in total control since I was basically taking care of her and the family once we moved to Chicago. I’m not saying i took on a job at 9-12, but I did steal money from my friends to get us food, I’d go to the local churches to get food sometimes only wearing a tank top obviously with a hoodie and some sweats, but if you know Chicago you know how cold it gets, I was insane but it was for family. I got into stealing, I obviously knew it wasn’t okay but it was just a thing since my mom did it and had me help her or something. I didn’t put it in my bra- but I did tell her what to get.. I got into a bad friend group that had me start smoking and drinking, I still struggle with it at 17, only smoking- like vaping and smoking weed, which I so desperately want to stop but the cravings are real, aside from that it’s the only thing I have right now that kinda helps- which at the same time only makes it worse especially if I’m freaking out. Don’t know how to explain it tbh. anyways, I just had a really rough background. I was assaulted and harassed multiple times throughout the years, honestly for as long as I can remember. People at my job now say things, and it does make me feel weird, but it’s just words. Last time something really happened with a guy, or a girl- was earlier this year. Wasn’t anything too intense like it usually is, but something definitely happened… I’ve always been a compassionate person, but over the years, especially after my mom died, my anger got worse causing me to lose sight of that “nice person” I’m still an amazing human being, and I was even then, but I was mean in ways. I bullied when I was younger, around 4th and 5th grade- and even after my mom died. It wasn’t so harsh, but it was still me kinda being cruel to people. And I regret all of it. I’m easily taken advantage of- me not having decent role models when I was a kid made me a victim to being taken advantage of, bullied, abused, you name it. Relationships are another story when it comes to being taken advantage of…. But now the main purpose… I’m scared my boyfriend has/ will cheat on me for these reasons: He’s only had a few girlfriends in the past- all he’s cheated on with. To be fair, they weren’t the best people, most of them treated him wrong or made him feel weird. It isn’t an excuse. I can’t really say anything either though, because I basically cheated on everyone I’ve ever been in a rlsp with either and I’m not you know- out there but I have dated a bit.😭🙏🏻 He lied about hanging out with 2 girls from work- one from which I had an issue with, the other I went to school with. I was upset because he had followed her on Facebook, Snapchat, and had her on message but she worked with him, that was the only girl he had besides me and his mom or maybe one of his friends gfs which isn’t for a weird reason. But I didn’t really do much, I went though his texts and seen she had saved a pic of him, he did the same, he also had a nickname for her in his phone titled “Hercules” and I found out that previously when he lied about going out with her and the other girl I went to school with- he went to the mall and the woods with them for some reason she posted a pic of all of them in the woods doing god knows what and it’s still up- she also has a bf who she “loves very much” as she told me but come on now I’m a girl and I know that doesnt really matter. But regardless I found out he lied abt number one being with her- I knew from the get go he was with Emma, which is the girl from my school, but I didn’t know he was alone with 2 girls. he was at the mall, that was true, but idk why he was in the woods. and he was texting me, it was just weird. Anyways his friend met with them too and that makes me feel off. He pulls away sometimes, which scares me, but I know he’s going through a lot- he’s not rly a phone person or a social media person- besides that stuff with Cierra, honestly he’s never raised any red flags of cheating besides him being dry and pulling away. Again, he’s the type to not be on his phone much if he is he’s just watching reels on fb or something. We don’t have social media anymore, well Snapchat for him and everything else besides Facebook for me. We both have fb. The other day he was bragging to his mom about how I fold his clothes up before he goes to work or if he has to leave early if he’s spending the night, and how I’ll write him notes and stuff. His friends tell me how much he talks about me, even Cierra told me how much he talks about me at work. When we broke up he was telling this dude about me, apparently said things about me when I was never mentioned, asking questions about us telling him about us. He was mad, hurt, and missed me all at the same time. I didn’t cheat on him or anything, but our fight was longer and pettier this time. It was- bad. But we got through it. During the time we broke up he had a dating site, aged 20 and this was before he turned 18, and obviously he wasn’t really using it but it made me feel bad bc maybe he’s tryna get over me, or maybe not but regardless I wasn’t hurt I just felt bad. But he watches porn when we’re sexually active, and we do a lot- and I know some girls would be okay with that but I’m not and it makes me feel like in the future if I can’t give him what he wants- that’s bad phrasing but it’s the only words I can think of, but anyways if I can’t give him what he wants he’ll leave me for another girl or try to cheat. Overall, my anxiety makes me worried he’ll cheat on me. Worried I’m not enough, especially bc of the porn. Worried he’ll leave me again- the most recent time was our 6th or 7th time breaking up. For some reason we keep getting back together, almost 2 years in November. Most would say that’s toxic, but everytime we get back together we’re stronger. Kind of. We’re not perfect, we’re teens.😭 so we obviously still fight and stuff. Most of the time I honestly don’t think he’d cheat on me but when my anxiety goes up it’s hard to not think that or when he does/ says certain things it makes me think he’s cheating. It doesn’t really feel that way, honestly it only ever truly felt as if he was cheating on me when I was on depression meds- I’m only on something for my anxiety now since it’s so bad but even then… I’ve talked to him about it, he sometimes listens, he has a hard time listening to stuff. Bc of my background it’s easier for me to listen, with him a lot of stuff flies by his head which does make it harder to get through to him. Honestly, we’ve stayed together because he has changed a lot. He’s told his friends all about how I’ve changed him, helped “mellow him out” he tells them how much he cares for me. He told his one friend that “I’ve been cheated on several times, especially by this one girl- but I’m glad I met Alesia through her” or something like that I don’t remember but he showed me what he said when we still had Snapchat. I don’t know, I feel like most of it’s my anxiety- but also it’s my longest relationship. All my other ones lasted anywhere from 3 days which to be fair with me, anything over a month is a rlsp and those ones I don’t really could, but from 3 days to 3 1/2 months, until Wesley. Then again, only 2 ppl stayed 3 1/2 months lol. Wesley tells me how he’s in love with me, and I believe it. There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but how much is the question. Wesley comes from a rough background too, I take the cake for “worlds worst childhood” when it comes to the two of us but it’s never been a competition, point is, he went though similar stuff with his dad and mom. He doesn’t have many close close friends, only 3 close friends- others are just acquaintances. He doesn’t drink at all, rarely tbh. You won’t catch him drinking more than 3 shots, most of the time it’s only 1 or two. Again, no social media, not much of a party type either. He wants to have land when we’re older- away from a bunch of people. He doesn’t like crowded cities. He just wants to be with me, our future kids, on a nice land, and a bunch of dogs.😭 pretty much exactly how he described it. We’ve talked about marriage a lot, we’ve talked about the things we want for our kids, we’ve talked about life together. He’s cried a lot before bc he don’t wanna lose me. We’re both hot headed which doesn’t help. Overall, honestly I think it’s just my anxiety but I have no one to rlly talk to about this stuff.

Okay I might sound crazy and I need alittle advice. Recently I took off work for a month to go visit Europe. I left being on very good terms with my work friends. They all said they loved me and they’ll miss me etc. They also usually text. Last time I left on a long vacation they would occasionally reach out to me, like my stories, etc. This time around, everything was normal for the first week. They liked my stories and we texted briefly. Now…. A week or so later, it’s dead silent on their end. They haven’t texted. They view my stories but they don’t like them. (I’m not saying they have to but it’s normal for them to do that). I can’t help but think something has been said about me that’s negative. Or they’re mad at me for maybe the one time I talked about them years ago in a slightly negative way because I was venting. (But doesn’t everyone do that at some point?) And I know it’s not nice to hear that a friend said something about you when it comes through a rumor. But that’s all I could think of. Maybe there is a lie being said or misconstrued. Or maybe I’m not that important for them like I thought I was. Or maybe it isn’t that deep? I sound legit insane right now because I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal but every day I’m waking with anxiety. I feel so down and blue and any time I post I’m anxiously waiting to see if they saw and liked my story. If they didn’t like it but saw it, it just confirms my fear that they’re upset with me. Which devastates me because they’re close friends and they are my community back home. I work full time so I see them daily and we would always hang out. Now I feel like they all are over me and like I did something wrong but I just don’t know what and I’m so sad and anxious and I feel so dumb for even feeling this way because I can identify that I’m having a spiral but I have no idea how to stop it. I’m trying. I won’t reach out and ask them because that would just make my ocd worse. So I’m posting here. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to help me overcome this with out seeking validation from them? What are your overall thoughts and what techniques or exercises would you recommend for me so that I can stop letting this consume me? Thank you in advance if you are still reading.

Does anyone get intrusive images with their ocd about them committing the intrusive thought? The worst one I’ve been having recently is “What if I sent or posted a nude on a game, social media, internet etc.” and I have been panicking for days, I keep getting images of me committing the action of sending one and I’m going crazy, it’s caused me to break down or get cold chills or even just panic 24/7. I’ve been feeling guilty constantly, fweling like I’ve done the worst thing possible and even been feeling down all the time thinking about it and just feeling mentally exhausted:( And there is no possible way for me to check if I actually did so because I’ve had to delete any games with chat boxes or ability to post pictures on there, and I can’t even really use social media without freaking out. I know a lot of people say that if it bothers you so much and it makes you worry so much then it’s not true and you didn’t do the thing that you think you did and I always try to remind myself that I know I would never do that because I would never ever want to hurt my fiancé, but the “what if you did and you just don’t remember?” Thought drains me daily. Does anyone else relate?

My contamination ocd is ruining my relationship with my family and im not sure what to do. I don’t really have a type of contamination ocd that like it afraid of getting sick and dying it’s more like emotional. So if the tee shirt feels “wrong” and “dirty” then I have to perform a compulsion. My father is also a big part of it. Everything he touches is dirty to me because of the negative emotional connection I have with him. So if he touches a tee shirt that’s mine it’s dirty. It’s making my parents do a lot of laundry, and they don’t let me wash my own laundry bc our machine is complicated and also because I can’t touch dirty clothes after or I will feel really dirty. But it’s getting really bad that my mom is yelling at me for using cleaning sprays and getting mad at me for being having to redo things cause they don’t feel right and having to wash my hands. Same with my dad, he makes fun of me and calls me names that upsets me which only makes my emotional contamination worse. I don’t know what to do. I went to therapy for almost a year now about this and nothing has worked and recently my therapist had recommended that I start meds so I went to the doctor and he prescribed me for lexapro bc I also have depression but my parents are against any meds idk what to do anymore and I feel really helpless

Im not sure where to start but yesterday was very painful for me and I was having thoughts about you know not being alive because of how overwhelmed I was with OCD … how guilty I felt about the thoughts that come in my head snd I couldn’t stop them as they got worse by the second … how ashamed I felt … I feel like an awful partner to my person … I get very immoral thoughts and thoughts I can’t even write here or share … and I have been very intolerant to my compulsions and I always tell him my thoughts , the content .. my actions .. everything and I fall for ocd’s tricks … I get thoughts about people .. people .. strangers .. people from my uni .. people he knows or is close with and I hate it .. and these thoughts can range but recently they’ve been enough to make me reach this point .. I made the decision to not tell him anything , to protect him and to get better but I haven’t been fully avoiding all my compulsions yet.. not all.. although the last 2 days I did but I haven’t been feeling or doing great at all .. I have been very frustrated and snappy even with him when that never happens .. I feel awful and selfish , I feel depressed and I have exams this week … hes a really pure soul .. hes nothing but sweet , supportive, patient and understanding but I’m really hurting snd I don’t like feeling this way .. feeling this angry at everything .. being unlike me .. being distant from him .. and I feel like life is falling apart .. I can barely catch my breath , barely catching up to my studies and I’ve been compromising on my attendance… I need help snd I don’t know what to do .. I feel stuck snd lost .. I don’t know if I should be telling him what thoughts exactly come to mind or like what happened the last few days (thoughts includes someone close he knows like super super close to him , had a doubt snd I know it’s intrusive but still , thats just one thought ) or do I suck it up truly and not share anything at all because this is the disorder snd not me .. it’s not my fault or intention ? (Again most of the thoughts that come in like for instance those comments I get about strangers for instance , I don’t want or intend them but they do as if my brain is teasing me and I feel like I’m responsible or at fault ) and I should just treat this as a disorder ? And really know that it’s all just lies snd not ever true or real ?… I can’t help but feel it’s as if I’m deceiving him , betraying him , hiding things from him or cheering on him specially because of these thoughts snd a great person like him deserves the best but I’ve been nothing but shitty hence why.. I’ve been the way I am … I really do need advice snd not just in this but actual advice almost im every aspect of my life right now and I would really appreciate any urgent help or advice … im sorry for how long this is but I thought maybe you’d see the picture clearly this way … Thank you 🙏🏻

I feel like an awful partner to my person … I get very immoral thoughts and thoughts I can’t even write here or share … and I have been very intolerant to my compulsions and I always tell him my thoughts , the content .. my actions .. everything and I fall for ocd’s tricks … I get thoughts about people .. people .. strangers .. people from my uni .. people he knows or is close with and I hate it .. and these thoughts can range but recently they’ve been enough to make me reach this point .. I made the decision to not tell him anything , to protect him and to get better but I haven’t been fully avoiding all my compulsions yet.. not all.. although the last 2 days I did but I haven’t been feeling or doing great at all .. I have been very frustrated and snappy even with him when that never happens .. I feel awful and selfish , I feel depressed and I have exams this week … hes a really pure soul .. hes nothing but sweet , supportive, patient and understanding but I’m really hurting snd I don’t like feeling this way .. feeling this angry at everything .. being unlike me .. being distant from him .. and I feel like life is falling apart .. I can barely catch my breath , barely catching up to my studies and I’ve been compromising on my attendance… I need help snd I don’t know what to do .. I feel stuck snd lost .. I don’t know if I should be telling him what thoughts exactly come to mind or like what happened the last few days (thoughts includes someone close he knows like super super close to him , had a doubt snd I know it’s intrusive but still , thats just one thought ) or do I suck it up truly and not share anything at all because this is the disorder snd not me .. it’s not my fault or intention ? (Again most of the thoughts that come in like for instance those comments I get about strangers for instance , I don’t want or intend them but they do as if my brain is teasing me and I feel like I’m responsible or at fault ) and I should just treat this as a disorder ? And really know that it’s all just lies snd not ever true or real ?… I can’t help but feel it’s as if I’m deceiving him , betraying him , hiding things from him or cheering on him specially because of these thoughts snd a great person like him deserves the best but I’ve been nothing but shitty hence why.. I’ve been the way I am … I really do need advice snd not just in this but actual advice almost im every aspect of my life right now and I would really appreciate any urgent help or advice … im sorry for how long this is but I thought maybe you’d see the picture clearly this way … Thank you 🙏🏻

Hey, so I'll try to keep it short but I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and need advise. This is not fully ocd but I really don't have anywhere else to talk about this with. I’ve only ever seriously liked two people: my ex and this guy I’ve been talking to. He’s from a country far away, and we’d been chatting for two months before I admitted my feelings. From the start, he was clear he’s not over his ex and isn’t looking for anything serious. At first, I saw him just as a friend, but the more he mentioned going on dates or seeking a friends-with-benefits situation, the more it stirred panic and fear in me. When he noticed I was acting off and asked about it, I opened up and told him how I felt. He was kind but firm, saying he couldn’t reciprocate but wanted to stay friends. That was nice of him, but it still hurt, especially since he didn’t seem to see it as a big deal, while for me, it was huge. I took a two-week break to process, crying it out and trying to pull myself together before reaching out again. He was understanding and seemed okay with picking up where we left off, but things aren’t the same. We used to talk all day, every day, but now it’s just a few words here and there, and it’s crushing. He seems totally fine—happy, going out, living his life like nothing’s changed. Meanwhile, I’m at my lowest, depressed and unable to enjoy anything. Seeing him share updates or talk about his life just makes me sad, and I can’t even show the support I used to. It’s killing me because I want to be his friend, but this feels so distant and cold compared to before. Texting him back is so hard now, which has never been an issue with anyone else. I don’t want to take another break because I’d just spend it thinking about him, and trying to go back to being friends afterward feels even scarier. I don’t want to lose him entirely, but this is hurting so much. I just want to be his friend, but I’ve never liked someone this much before. When I care about someone, they become my whole world, and right now, mine feels like it’s crashed. Seeing him happy makes me sad, and I feel awful for feeling that way. My ocd is making me spiral about this and keep obsessing about him and this connection making me feel restless. Most friends told me to try and let go and end this because I'm hurting but I don't wanna regret giving up on a friendship tho of I don't want a shallow one word per day friendship either.

I really need support from someone preferably a woman ☹️

Recently I had a close friend emotionally dump on me and it drained me and negatively affected me for days. I would describe his behavior as an adult tantrum, he didn’t seem well and it scared me. We were going to a jazz bar with me and another friend and I was dressed up nice. He picked me up and was upset that I liked good. He insisted on going home to change, so we did that. He started getting really upset about how he hated shopping because he didn’t like how clothes fit his body because he’s overweight. He brings this up a lot. It’s really sad but he is deeply concerned about it. We went to the jazz bar. We all ordered something to snack on. He ordered a drink, I ordered a drink, our other friend ordered ice cream. He didn’t like his drink so he kept asking to sip my drink and he ordered the same ice cream as our other friend. Afterwards he drove me home and vented about his life and being gay and lds and how the church had done so much stuff to him. He was in major victim mode — and I want nothing to do with that. I tried to speak some sense into him but he wasn’t listening and was being really dramatic and mad. I took some space from him and honestly didn’t want to hang out with him for a while after that. He kept messaging me to hang out and I kept declining. Recently he messaged me to hang out again (it had been about a month since that hang out) wanted to hang out again. I responded and said that I didn’t really want to be social much these days because I was going into hibernation mode — I further explained how his negativity that night was not something I was seeking out. He seemed to respond in a way was angry, rude, and again rooted in victimhood. I’m sad that our friendship ended on such a terrible note, and I think he has so many awesome qualities. I worry that I did something wrong in how I ended the friendship because it was all over text 😅 but I do feel like that boundary needed to be set even though I handled it clumsily. To be honest I don’t really care about loosing him as a friend but I do care about doing the right thing. Then around the same time as this friendship was ending…I messaged another friend of mine (I work with her) to apologize for a venting session in which I had been especially petty. She took that as me bringing her into that pettiness and hasn’t really been initiating any communication between us. Again, this was all over text which wasn’t good and pretty clumsy. This makes me sad, I think she’s really cool and having friends at work was starting to be a fun thing. Then on Sunday, my roommate’s brother (me and my roomate are close and he’s like a little brother to me) was acting low-key racist towards some Ukrainian people at church. He was calling them russian and imitating their accents. That IRKED ME. Then my roommate asked if she can invite her friend on our Europe trip were planning for next year which kinda stung a little bit because I thought it would just be an us thing? And also I don’t know her friend at all so I’m a little worried that maybe the dynamic will be unknown. I feel a loss of control, like I may be the problem in a lot of this…and like I just want to be alone and not deal with a lot of this. And also I don’t want my relationship with my roomate to go down the drain like the other two relationships of like this past month.