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Is it normal that my intrusive thoughts latch onto my brother even when im not around him? Different intrusive thoughts about him loop in my head no matter where and when, even in my sleep.

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

first post on here in a bit so SORRY THIS IS LONG but basically about over a month ago i went out with my friends. everything was going great and we were having fun. it got to the point where we wanted a second round of drinks. my friend asked me if i could get his and he wanted a Narragansett. already i was like huh? i had no idea what that was but he pointed to the menu and showed me where it was. i repeated it over and over in my head so that when i get to the bar i can say it right. anyways i get up and go to order and i notice there’s a drink menu on the bar and im thinking to myself great i can just point to it and if i butcher it i can just say its one of the lagers. i go to check the menu and its not the same menu that we had on the table bc the drink wasn’t on it. now im freaking out and trying to remember what the drink was. anyways i order my drinks first — tecate and tequila shot — then im like can i get one more and then i say, “can i get a nagarrsett” (nay-ger-sett) immediately the bartender leans in and is like what? and kinda just stares at me (mind you he’s black) and then i kinda go umm is that not what it is? and then i immediately realize what that may have sounded like. now im scrambling to find an explanation and say it’s one of your lagers and he’s still like i have no idea what you’re talking about and then i try and grab the menu again and look through it and still can’t find it. my heart is literally racing, my face is so hot and the silence was so awkward. finally i see another menu out down the bar and rush to grab that and i point to it and try to pronounce it correctly (nay-rang-an-set) and then he kinda goes ohhhh and either lets out a sigh or a chuckle i don’t know i was so mortified. and then he goes on to tell me, “its actually pronounced narragansett” and i immediately put my hand to my head and say, “oh my god im so sorry” and im still so stuck on what just happened that i dont know if he said its ok or what not. he gives me my drinks and tells me my total and i literally just give him all the money in my hand and some more and tell him to keep it and run back to my table. now for the past month ive been convincing myself im a horrible person who deep down wanted to say a bad word and now i feel like a tainted person and that i can’t go back to the person i was before. my friends try to reassure me and being like, “ok first of all you didn’t say it” or “yeah it was awkward for a sec but like he probs forgot about it.” now im just reeling bc what normal person would say it like that and im going every single event in my life that proves im a horrible person. i feel like im waiting to be exposed for this and that all my values that i hold dear mean nothing bc of this. at this point i just don’t know what to do. i’m anxious all the time, im losing sleep, rarely eating, and most of all feel like i betrayed my friends and family and that they’re all distancing themselves from me bc of this. i feel like i need to be punished for what i did and that i can’t redeem myself or be trusted.

I’m new to NOCD and was only recently diagnosed with OCD. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety for many years now, but learning about how OCD works has really helped me understand how my anxiety operates, because much of it turns out is OCD. Who knew. That being said, I do experience good ol’ plain anxiety too. As I’m beginning an ERP therapy, I want to make sure I’m getting as much out of it as possible, but I have trouble differentiating between regular anxiety and OCD anxiety. If anyone has any tips/observations, let me know! Does OCD affect how your “regular” anxiety operates? Can they even be separated? I feel like even my non-compulsive, non-repetitive anxieties become obsessive in nature, and drives me to “do something” to “fix it” and completely steals my focus until I’ve done something to make myself feel better. Since the anxieties aren’t always the same, I don’t always do the exact same thing to address them, but I do feel obligated to do something, and am incapable of thinking/talking my way through some anxieties. Is that something that people with general anxiety do too, or is that a topic best understood as OCD? I’m probably just describing a Venn diagram of anxiety disorders, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around this diagnosis and understand why my brain copes with anxiety the way it does and how I can work on improving my coping skills.

One of my dearest friends has passed away after battling cancer for the last year. In navigating my feelings of grief and love I’m also seeing a major spike in all my OCD symptoms. I’m tapping things more, I’m stuck in loops leaving work or home, I’m even noticing newer physical body responses like locking my jaw or holding my breath until thoughts pass. Am I grieving right? Am I grieving enough? Do I remember our time together right? I’m not surprised that this trauma has reignited some of my symptoms. I am in CBT therapy and talking with a therapist to organize my thoughts but as a new app user I thought I would take a moment to be vulnerable and see how my OCD community navigates when real life sh*t makes the hard days harder.

im looking into finding an ERP therapist (not through this app I'm afraid- it doesn't take my insurance) but im worried that it might only help with external stuff. one of my friends who also has OCD said that that was their experience too.

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

I was talking with a friend and things got more personal than they usually do. I talked to her about my mental health not being good and I told her that I was suffering from OCD. I also told her about my concerns for medication and worrying about family finding out if it ever came to that. Then we switched the subject and talked about a lot of different things. At one point we talked about romance movies and I feel like there was emotional attachment even though I don't think there was, just feelings flying about. I have a crush on another woman but I honestly don't think we'll date because I'm just not ready for a relationship because I have so many things I need to work on in my life. This isn't the first time this has happened when talking to her and I don't intend on these feelings meaning anything but this time it feels like I did because I got an intrusive thought about it that stuck. I feel like this is emotional cheating and I'm not even dating anyone and I'm already straight up just fucking up how things are supposed to go and I feel idiotic. I know this isn't cheating because we were never dating but I just feel so stupid for this happening. On one hand I know it's OCD but on the other I just feel awful. I know it's a crush but I haven't gotten those feelings like that with my crush, only with her, even though I didn't think we'd initially date. I even get thoughts saying "What if I do like her?" When I don't think it's like that.

So I used to do this because it would be a compulsion cause I would try to prevent any arousal feeling down there if I ever had any types of intrusive thoughts, but now since it’s such a habit, I even do it sometimes when I am feeling arousal towards appropriate things, but that’s just cause it’s just out of habit and then earlier today I had an intrusive thought and I was already feeling aroused And then I kept thinking remembering in the moment like I think I wasn’t clenching and response to intrusive thoughts I was just doing it maybe because it was a compulsion like I was probably doing a compulsion but now I keep doubting myself and then now I keep thinking oh my gosh, but what if I did country in response to intrusive thoughts that I’m actually a pedo :(

So today this morning I was doing ok till I got to a point where I ate at McDonald’s with my parents and my brother. We came out of the hospital where they have checked his pace maker. And we went to eat. I’ve asked them a question where I have told them if he could have some.. in this case they have said no he’s had enough. I have a thing if we’re I am not hungry I share. I told them “what am I doing wrong I always do something wrong?” And they said no it’s just you need to stop doing things that make me think you are doing everything wrong. In my mind I kept thinking to myself” why do I do everything wrong.. am I the case if everyone’s stress?.. what if that’s it?” Then I went to the car with that on my mind and I looked over at them with a dirty look then the escalation started from there where I started yelling and they raised there voice at me stating that you don’t do anything wrong we just don’t want you to look at us wrong. That’s when I started crying and started saying I dont want to live in the house anymore.. I need to leave I can’t be here!” Which led to me feeling anxious which led me to cry cause they said if you don’t want to talk to us then stop talking.” Then I started to let the thoughts set in my mind and started to scratch my right thigh.” Idk why but my ocd got the best of me and I started to cry again and asking myself why do I suffer and why did I do this to myself. Seems like I’m getting better and not feeling anxious or anything then boom just hits around the corner.” I feel stupid

A huge part of my OCD is moral scrupulousity - I am unofficially dating someone who has physical and mental health disabilities/chronic illnesses. I really like this individual, but I am internalizing his issues and quickly becoming his only support system. I can feel the stress impacting my nervous system more and more every day, but I am afraid breaking it off with someone when they are going through such a difficult time- dealing with medical neglect by his parents during serious physical health scares. What if he dies? I feel sick to my stomach- but with every emergency a piece of me breaks and I can feel my brain breaking down. I really like him and spending time with him, but I am truly terrified. I've only been seeing him since late July, but I feel it seeping into codepency and myself being a caretaker- and I can't handle it nor do I want that for my own life. Please give advice or support - I need both right now

Hey I haven’t posted in awhile but I just need to vent. Back in early 2023/ 2024, I remember this theme putting me in the deepest depression that I believe I became emotionally numb. I don’t know, but I felt like I had it and still maybe do. I remember keeping something in for a year from my gf at the time and my OCD was beating me up so bad that I eventually to the hospital in June of 2024. Those of you that have watched Euphoria… remember that scene where Rue is in bed all day and night and physically can’t get out of bed and is frozen? That’s how I felt when it was getting to the end of my relationship. I had the worse thoughts you could ever imagine and every time I had a conversation w/ my gf, I felt like a robot. I felt like I couldn’t even talk to my gf without getting interrupted by my instrusive thoughts. I’m not perfect either . I made a mistake when I saw her the last time. Maybe led her on, maybe I was just emotionally numb . I still wanted to see if the spark was there but I guess it wasn’t. That’s one of my biggest regrets. I rather have stayed home and gathered my thoughts then to go see her on my birthday. It was selfish of me. I take ownership of that . Recently she’s been on my mind , but when we finally parted ways it’s like I didn’t feel anything and that made me question if I loved her? Idk I guess what I’m asking is did or does anyone feel that way? You felt emotionally numb/no spark/ nothing when you kiss? Physically not attracted. Sometimes I question .. what is love? What does it mean? Does love always have to have a spark? I read one time that you choose that person. But I feel like I’m confused what it really means. It’s like I’m having this 360 shift and realizing maybe I was emotionally numb all along and keeping this “secret” I thought at the time, to myself. I eventually told her and she wasn’t mad . My ocd made it bigger than it was . 😔 It’s crazy what OCD can do to you. I felt sick not just mentally, but physically too. Maybe it was easier for me to move on because I “emotionally checked out or was just too emotionally numb” after awhile that when we did break up the first time I barely cried. I cried almost everyday for a year before that first breakup in August. We had gone almost a month without talking because we parted ways but then reconnected September of 2024 and the. Ended it mid January. That’s the last we spoke. It’s been 9 months. I know people feel different thhings at different times but she’s been on my mind recently. And this may be TMI but I know a lot of my emotions right now have to do with my period, but even before my cycle… I was thinking about her. My thoughts are just heightened now. It’s like I was saying … it’s like I’m seeing things different now. Maybe I was so emotionally numb I couldn’t feel anything and it felt like I had fallen out of love. It was hard for me to feel anything and to be honest I think this start May of 2024. I wanted to stay and make it work. But you can’t force yourself to feel something. I think I’m just confused rn. Maybe I’m a little de lulu but I’ve always felt like it’s her. Sure I’ve looked at other girls but when it comes down to soul and personality and how that person treats you… that’s what pulls you in and what matters. It’s like I’m finally realizing after a YEAR LATER that all this ocd stuff was in my head and It’s a shame because I lost a really good one and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back but I’m grateful for the memories and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. Not sure if this is part of the grieving process? Idk if you guys could give me some feedback or if this resonates with you … please leave comments down below. (Not for reassurance seaking) but to know that if anyone has felt just how I’m feeling right now . I would relay appreciate it🙏🏽 (edited)

Hi everyone, I’m a 21-year-old single demisexual, recently diagnosed with OCD, and it’s hitting me hard with relationship and intimacy struggles at the moment. I only feel attraction after a deep connection, and I see intimacy as a sacred, love-first thing—not about pleasure but bonding with someone special. My OCD makes me obsess over needing to know a partner’s every thought and feeling, wanting them to view intimacy exactly like I do. I spiral when I can’t understand them or when they don’t get me, craving validation and reassurance like it’s air. It’s exhausting, and I feel like an anxious hamster sometimes, chasing answers I can’t have. Retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the worst part. I’m somewhat okay with serious past relationships now—I try to see them as proof someone can commit. But casual pasts or “big numbers” make my brain throw a tantrum. I don’t get seeking casual pleasure, ever—it’s so alien to me. I’m terrified of a partner who’s “done it all,” thinking they’d compare me or find me less special because they've already had all their first with someone else and know what they want while I’m clueless about intimacy. I know most people want someone who are mature and sure of what they like and want, but for me I find it more comforting knowing the other person is just as clueless as me, even it it'll be awkward. I want someone who needs a deep connection to even think about it, someone who waited for love like I do, not someone who experimented and now wants to settle. Part of this is my values—intimacy should be sacred—but part feels like insecurity, like I’ll never be enough or bring anything new. I don’t know where the line is, and it’s confusing. Dating feels impossible because most people my age are fine with casual, and I’m not. I’m lonely, craving love and closure, but my OCD screams I’ll be alone for years, stuck as the “clueless” one while others are experienced. Intrusive thoughts about partners’ pasts or “what they learned” haunt me, and I can’t quiet them, even though I know they’re not logical. I’m seeing a psychologist soon, but I’m struggling now. How do you manage RJ and stop obsessing over casual pasts or needing perfection? Any tips for calming intrusive thoughts or dating with these values? I want to be gentler with myself and stop feeling so scared. Thanks for any advice!

+ ZOCD +18 & triggering warning last night whilst trying to enjoy myself and do some self care and watch some p0rn. i use twitter to do so and decided to look at an account i was unfamiliar with just to see what they had going on. all of the content they were posting & retweeting was normal and par for the course where out of NOWHERE i see a video of a dog about to start interacting with someone in a inappropriate way. by the way i was scrolling i only saw the top half of the video before gasping and immediately swiping out of that persons account. after seeing that i felt sick and guilty as if i was complicit somehow by not going back and reporting and blocking that account or trying to do something positive to change the horrors of what i just saw but i know better than to try and find it somehow and potentially exposing myself to viewing that again. but now im sitting here with a lot of what ifs in my head varying from “the content you usually watch is from a very specific type of person, what if you’re fetishizing?” & “what if since you were thinking about said specific type of person and saw something like that amongst normal videos of again said specific type of person what if you associate that video what that and never feel normal about your interests and hyperfixations?” now i’m feeling extremely anxious and cannot relax and try to get some sleep because of this. does anyone have any advice on how to ease my compulsions and anxiety??? is ERP a good option for this???

I notice that the thoughts aren’t constant and just pop from time to time. However the rumination is constant. I do have other annoying mental compulsions but i’m just worried that it’s not OCD. The thoughts dont feel loud but they do make me ruminate. Sometimes they’re “what ifs” or “this happened which means this and your a liar” or they’re like memories/flash backs. But they’re not constant which makes me worry that this has never been OCD. I keep ruminating ab weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, fake memories, and (TMI) past random arousal in the past that didn’t align with me and my wants. Idk if it’s bc i’m ALWAYS questioning and analyzing in my head that I don’t notice things as intrusive thoughts? But there’s too much proof I feel like this is just me coming to a realization, i’m in denial, and it HAS to be true which makes me want to puke. I literally forgot all ab that stuff but my brain has brought it all back 😭. This flare up started because of a couple thoughts ab my relationship that made me anxious and triggered the rumination and it went back into an SOOCD spiral. My therapist told me she definitely thinks it’s OCD but at this point I don’t feel like it is.

If ur here just to give some encouragement dw ab reading this Im just venting 😭. If you read my billions of posts you can see I’m having a really hard time. I’m analyzing memories, possible false memories, weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable thing that happened in 7th grade that feels like undeniable proof, the beginning stages of SOOCD, my crushes in the past to see if they were real or if I liked them enough, false attractions (which are constant now), I’m triggered by everything, I’m checking for attraction, I’m just miserable. I cant even enjoy old movies or cartoons that used to bring me comfort because I have thoughts like “Did I find this character attractive? I probably didn’t if I can’t remember. I used to always want the boy and girl to be together, but I cant remember if I liked the boy, It must be denial. I probably liked the girl.” I can’t remember shit and my brain keeps filling in the blanks but idk if it’s real. Im worried that this isn’t even OCD because the thoughts aren’t consuming me it’s just pure rumination and other compulsions. Is that still OCD? I still get random thoughts like when I’m watching something random on social media. I could be calm, not triggered by anything, and get a thought like “If she was naked you’d be aroused, rmbr that childhood exploration, you’ve been aroused to XYZ so you probably would be right now” and then I start to ruminate. Idk if that’s rumination or intrusive thoughts. But I usually just ruminate all the time 🧍‍♀️as soon as I wake up and when I go to bed. I get like images and flash backs of the “proof” idk if that counts as intrusive thoughts. I feel so terrible and completely numb to everything. What’s eating me alive right now is my years of numbness. Was that OCD, depression, or me just being in denial? I feel like there’s too much proof at this point. I really have suffered a lot with my mental health over the years so it could possibly just be that my brain is just in shock mode but I don’t know why it’s been so long. I haven’t seen anyone on this app say all their libido and attraction went away for YEARS. But then again I was not diagnosed for 5 years and just completely shut down. I was still numb when I started dating my boyfriend and I was so afraid that it would ruin the genuine feelings and attraction I started having for him before we started dating. I was feeling happier so maybe that’s why I started to feel those good feelings and emotions again. I swear to whoever reads this I DID feel attraction, excitement, all the things for him 😭. Him confessing to me made me anxious and scared bc my numbness makes me feel like a rock and I wasn’t sure I wanted to peruse a relationship. But I was like no, I felt those feelings after YEARS, he makes me feel happy and I have a crush, I won’t let fear take this away from me. I was doing good, my checking compulsions were annoying, but I was doing pretty good. The fear was going away, I was checking less and started feeling the full attraction again, I was in the moment when we hung out, dates were amazing, but then the thoughts and ruminating literally fucked it all up. When I was laying down in bed one night I thought “What if my numbness makes me stop liking him.” It automatically made me anxious and I was stuck ruminating about it all day. Then it just progressively got worse and now I’m stuck dealing w full on SOOCD again 😭. I feel like a rock towards my man now. He sent me a picture and I felt nothing. But then I think “you were numb anyways you probably never liked him.” I don’t even know if my feelings for him a couple months ago were even real bc of how much I ruminate. I was so sure of myself a couple months ago but not anymore. How do I go from “Omg his smile is so nice, I want him to kiss me so bad, his laugh is so cute, he looks so good.” to NOTHINGGGGGG. Prior to the big flare up I rmbr going to a festival with my sister and thinking another guy was cute bc he looked like my man (I swear he was waking up my emotions again) and I started to worry and freak out ab finding another man attractive. Why is my brain so confusing 😭? I want to hangout with him but I’m also scared to at the same time bc I’m afraid of feeling nothing and being triggered by it and ruminating, checking, analyzing. I feel like i’m shutting down again. That’s what’s been happening since high school. If my mental health and OCD make me feel like shit, my brain shuts everything down, and I do nothing. I want to do nothing and isolate because it’s safe, it’s not triggering, and it doesn’t leave me exhausted. Ever since I graduated high school I have been a rock. I have no goals, wants, motivation, NOTHING. I had to drop out for a bit bc when the lcd calmed down a bit, the depression just TOOK OVER. I feel like there’s never going to be an end to this. If this isn’t OCD then idk what to do.

I (22M) made a similar post to this, but the situation happened again. I been...pleasuring myself, and just as I was finishing, I felt like I needed to think about a thought similar to an intrusive thought I've had in the past and it felt like I enjoyed it for a few seconds while I was "finishing". I tried to redirect my focus in the moment, and it didn't really work. After, I felt really off-put and worried about what it could mean. I have been extremely fearful of ending up being "that" way. I know false attraction etc. could have played a role, but I've never been officially diagnosed. There had been times I tested myself in my head before (not like in a context like this), and I felt like I had spikes of attraction before feeling offput by it, and I've been really, really worried if I had been in denial. The thoughts that I tested myself with (as well as intrusive thoughts) included non-problematic things that I found attractive, so I'm not sure if that affected my reactions all those times, but regardless I had been worried. I also tested myself in my head after waking up almost every day, and it felt like I failed when I did. I tried to not assign meaning to it, and it helped with avoiding spiralling, but again, I don't know if I'm in denial or not. I understand if this is too much, but I was wondering if I could get any insight, because I'm really really on edge right now.

My experience with OCD has historically been frightening, degrading and ultimately robbed me of any kind of quality of life. That is until I tried cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT. CBT is training to help you look at the way you experience thoughts and emotions, reexamine them and to come up with a more reasonable and rational cognitive process. This will hopefully allow you to live a more positive fulfilling life. I realise that I was very lucky to get a CBT therapist with plenty of practical experience of OCD, since CBT can be used to treat a variety of conditions, each requiring a very specific discipline of CBT. The first thing I remember saying when I met my therapist is “I’m having intrusive thoughts, I don’t like them and I want to get rid of them”. Well, she immediately replied ” we can’t do that, you can’t stop thoughts, only control how much attention you can pay to them”. As you can imagine, this was not what I wanted to hear, I wanted a miracle cure, a pill that could take these thoughts away or a therapy that would make me some kind of superhero! But what I got instead was a dose of truth. That everyone has intrusive thoughts, most people can put them in their proper context as simple random thoughts of no consequence, us folk’s with OCD however will spend hours ruminating over them, churning these thoughts over and over in our minds, slowly tormenting ourselves and unable to let go. “The good news is”, says she, with a gleeful smile, ” that you can train your brain to view these thoughts as what they really are, random, meaningless thoughts”. Things were starting to look up. Could this really be that easy? Could Exposure and Response Prevention really be as simple as how it sounded? I remained dubious, unable to accept that I wasn’t damaged goods or a ‘headcase’, I was simply looking at my thoughts from an unhealthy perspective. But I decided to go with it! What the hell! At least it is an option that I didn’t have before! And I worked at it, gave it my all, and guess what! Things started to improve, I began to exercise control over my mind, entertained my intrusive thoughts less and less, and the amount of times these thoughts started to pop up! My brain was finally getting the message, these thoughts are not important, they are just random idea with no meaning! With this new found freedom I started to grow complacent, I felt like I was cured and could now stop the treatment and stop practicing the techniques I had learned. But my therapist was quick to shatter this illusion too! She told me in no uncertain terms that this is a lifelong journey, I need to continually exercise control over my mind or I will relapse years later and get overwhelmed by my thoughts again. I started to incorporate other ways to use these skills, things that I do every day, like mindfulness, and being mindful when I wash the dishes, allowing any distracting thoughts to just sit there while I get back to cleaning and housework or whatever I was engaged in doing at the time. This is continually sending my brain the message that I’m in control. So here I am some years later. I have had no relapses. This by no means makes me an expert of OCD, but because I constantly use my CBT skills on a day to day basis, I have been able to remain symptom free. So that’s my message to all those in the same boat, go with the CBT, and don’t grow complacent, you can have an amazing life but remember, the CBT isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for life!

The distress comes from not knowing. Most of the time, we treat “I don’t know” as though it somehow means we do know, but in reality, we probably never will. When you lean into that uncertainty, the doubt grows, and that is what makes escaping this disorder so difficult. The more you ignore it, the stronger its tactics become, but I don’t mean ignore in the sense of pushing it away or denying it. I mean refusing to believe the lies it tells you. That distinction is subtle at first, but as you sit with the fiery anxiety or the crushing despair, you begin to notice a pattern: what fuels all of this is growing doubt, directly proportional to your lack of clarity about your own scruples. Moving beyond OCD requires a form of faith and a choice. Even when your thoughts feel catastrophic, heavier than a hellstorm, you choose to live according to your values and to hold your own beliefs about your thoughts. There is no one-size-fits-all method for healing, as each theme and manifestation is different for every person. But here is what I can tell you: the more you lean into uncertainty, the more intense the doubt and guilt become. It becomes a question of endurance, who will be the last one standing, you or the OCD? Recovery demands action. You must behave your way out of this disorder, sometimes by acting as if you don’t know, faking it until you make it, until your defiance outweighs the disorder’s grip.

I’ve been getting through my POCD fears but now I’m having intense moral / responsibility OCD that is severely affecting my mental health to the point where I’m having immense trouble functioning at work. Mine stems from the fact that I feel the need to seek out weird stuff I remember seeing on the internet and reporting it. This is especially prevalent with porn that I find suspicious online and it causes me to make reports to the cybertip line a lot. My mind is just in constant alert mode due to my sexual abuse as a child and other factors I’ve experienced Now my OCD is latching onto a super hazy memory of when a co-worker was telling me about this guy in his town he knew who he told me everyone suspected he was involved in a hit and run that had occurred. I barely remember the conversation but I remember him telling me that somehow his old vehicle went to someone or was transferred over to some guy and when he looked at the engine there was what he assumed was dried blood inside it or something like that. I remember the conversation started because we were talking about people who we knew were probably guilty that we had heard stories of or knew of but there was never appropriate evidence found My OCD has latched onto the idea that my co worker told me this information which police may or may not have known of or heard of. I don’t remember if he told me how he knew of this story or who he heard it from or if the police knew about it or anything like that. It happened a year ago during a shift at work in a McDonald’s and it’s so hazy that I can’t even remember the specifics of anything. I know the idea that I was given secret information that the police didn’t know about during a shift at McDonald’s is incredibly unlikely. But the constant “what if?” just spirals into my brain constantly and makes me develop the feeling like I HAVE to reach out to someone about it, even though I know there’s nothing for them to investigate and my co-worker was basically telling me gossip. I know I’m really overthinking the memory and my mind is putting false memories in my brain, but I wanted to ask what you guys tell yourselves to get rid of the intrusive thoughts or the compulsions? I try to tell myself that it’s “just my OCD” but that rarely ever works.