I feel like there’s something wrong with me.

18+ TW s*xual topics So this honestly started when I was 16, I was extremely lonely and not doing well. I got into splatoon 3 and became pretty good at the game. In one match I met someone who I thought was pretty chill and cool, we became friends. He seemed chill at first but that changed once he started asking if I had Discord. I told him no and I wasn’t allowed to but he didn’t stop asking from then. He’d keep asking every time we’d go into a private run on splatoon. I started crushing on him despite how creepy he was because he was so nice to me and we would always play together, which made me feel special. I asked him one day how old he was, and he was hesitant and we decided to do a guessing game. We were getting nowhere and so I just told him I was 16, he then told me he was 18. By now I was becoming suspicious of him being a p, but for some reason I didn’t care. I think for a second, I didn’t really mind that he was a creep and thought it was kinda hot to be with someone who was probably much older than me, who was sweet and caring. But I tried to bury that because that sounds insane. Eventually a friend of mine brought me over to a private run and told me he was a p. I was shocked, but also not surprised, but also numb? It was pretty obvious he was a creep, but because he made me feel nice I still wanted to be around him. But in that moment I felt conflicted, and I couldn’t bring myself to still stick around. I knew he was a dangerous person and I had to unfriend him. So I did. I still saw him in matches I played here and there but I would leave immediately. That experience, did something to me. Because after meeting and leaving that weirdo, I longed to feel that loved again, and so when I was 17 I went on a chatting site to talk to weirdos.. I know, I shouldn’t have but I did. I knew this people I was talking to were creeps and wanted kids, I didn’t mind it though because it was just me. And when I got my satisfaction I left the site, I never exchanged socials with them (I did once but I didn’t like the guy). After that I started imagining myself being groomed by an imaginary teacher who only had eyes for me and would do weird crap with me, and I’d do this to get off. When I turned 18 I stopped doing that because now I’m an adult and I don’t wanna be imagining that stuff anymore. But then my POCD came back and I started having dreams and getting bad thoughts, and checking, and arousal responses or whatever you call them, all which made me feel worse and like I liked the thoughts or at least the thought of an illegal relationship. I made decisions I wish I haven’t done and now those decisions are now haunting me today now that I’m 19. And the thoughts went away along with everything else for a bit, I mean it was still there, but it was mild and I felt like I was breaking free somewhat. Until about a few days ago when it started coming back stronger and it was my fault. I have a habit of checking to make sure I’m not still triggered by something, or checking to make sure I don’t feel aroused by something, and I’ve done that enough times that now things have amplified. And now I don’t know if I actually want these bad things or if I’m just checking to see if I want these things, or checking to see if something happens. Like I’d be sitting here and I’d already be feeling triggered, and I’d intentionally or somewhat intentionally say something in my head or imagine something in my head to try and see how bad things get? I think it’s to gauge my reaction or to check and see if my POCD is still there. Idk why I do this but I’m finding I do this more often when I’m already feeling hopeless about my life and am in a slump, basically not feeling well mentally. And idk why I do this, idk if I’m trying to self sabotage intentionally or what is going on, when it happens I’m not even sure why I would even try to do that, and I’d immediately regret it and start questioning myself and checking which only makes things worse and now I feel like this is just proof that this stuff keeps happening. I remember dealing with this same issue when I had depression like 7 years ago, and I didn’t even know why. It’s like my mind is like so fed up it’s deciding to give into the very things it doesn’t want, I don’t know why this happens but I’m scared. I feel like I like these bad thoughts. And it’s even worse when I’m having half awake dreams of the triggering stuff and I feel aroused but when I wake up I don’t even feel that way and it makes me wonder if I was even sleeping in the first place… Idk what’s wrong with me.. has anyone had similar issues?