Testimony-ish and hoping for advice

Hello fellow OCD warriors, been a little bit since my last and first post. Hoping to chat for some kind words and advice, maybe share their stories so I don’t feel so alone! Sorry for the longgggg wall of text but I hope this makes someone feel seen and hopefully makes me feel good in return! I’m a 20 year old female (21 in just 15 days🎉) and I’m a nursing student. All my life I’ve struggled with anxiety and its intensity has fluctuated throughout it. One aspect it has always attacked is school I have always been very concerned with perfect grades and feeling intelligent, just in general if I love or care about something my anxiety attacks the shit out of it. So naturally of course I picked a wonderful major that doesn’t cause anxiety at all LOL. Anyways last year I hit an all time anxiety and honestly depression low. I have never had any true mental health issues I was always able to deal with my anxiety and conflicts very well, in fact everyone always told me I was such a positive person and I always seemed to persevere through it all. However, having this mental health low from nursing school last year brought about the most challenging feat I’ve faced so far, severe OCD. All of a sudden I felt out of control of my life, thoughts, emotions, and anxiety. I started doing research for understand what the hell was going on and finally through a mental health nursing course this year I learned what OCD was and it’s symptoms and I’ve realized it’s always been on my shoulder but now it’s consumed my life. I’m not sure if that’s really common but it seems like this significant stress/depression caused a huge noticeable spike I can’t shake like I’ve realized I always did in the past. I realized I actually always have had compulsions to confess, I had scrupulosity and moral conflicts when I was deeply religious, and i did in fact always have to check locks and hear my car beep three times each time I locked it to know I did it correctly. It’s crazy to realize you ever struggling with something and you never knew! I struggle deeply with scrupulosity and sexual/relationship OCD mostly these are my attacks. Of course I have a couple random OCD themes but those are the ones I can’t always work through without a panic attack. They are very distressing and lead to intense guilt, fear, and anxiety. I finally after confessing so much to my mom and friends to only be met with “you did nothing wrong, why are you so upset you are scaring me” lol I decided that this guilt may be something else when it always returned fiercely after each reassurance. I went and seen a PCP and forever my life changed when I cried and let all the bottled up mess I’d been carrying finally out. I’m so thankful to have such a lovely and caring doctor that comforted me and listened to my concerns about medicine and helped me get into therapy as soon as possible. The time is here next week it officially starts and I’m happy scared ?? The OCD is always trying to tell me my thoughts are terrible , dangerous that I did awful things and I can’t share them even with a therapist. It’s always nagging that if I told anyone everyone I love would leave me. I’m sure most of you know the drill so I’ve been battling that and a flare up in general. Any words of advice or experiences anyone can share about their first or therapy experience in general? I’ve never been in therapy so I was wondering how you guys got over your fear to discuss those scary thoughts especially sexual with that extra layer of awkwardness and fear!

gymson

Date posted: 12h

I think once you finally understand you have OCD, everything leading up makes sense. All those weird compulsions and behaviours nobody else really understood as a kid feel valid, it’s almost a relief haha. Therapy is a huge step in the right direction, I never thought it would help me but they spend years learning the perfect treatment and methods. Proud of you!!

saturnaliaaa

Date posted: 12h

@gymson Thank you!! I appreciate it, it was super hard for me I have always been like “therapy is awesome” but it was harder than I expected to be like “I need it” 😂. I think it’s worse because my OCD really just seems to fight back against it. Even just knowing there was a name to my signs and symptoms more than just anxiety has helped me a lot!

gymson

Date posted: 12h

@wowzabot I felt the same way!! Therapy only works if you let it, just try and keep your mind open 😊😊

saturnaliaaa

Date posted: 12h

@gymson For sure , thanks !

Embo20

Date posted: 9h

Im 34 and had a panick attack 8 months ago, And can honestly say I’ve always been a very good person, I’ve always loved psychology and true crime and the only real struggle I ever had was with porn, anyways after my panic attack (in which I felt like i lost control but in reality was perfectly fine and in control) my intrusive thoughts ran wild, my brain was coming up with some nasty stuff, violent, sexual. It scared me to death. I had no idea what was going on, and you can imagine the distress it caused. Anyways. The first time I talked to a therapist, like opened up and told them everything. They didn’t even bat an eye 😅. It’s crazy how common it all is. Anxiety/ ocd wants to tell you yours is different or special but in reality it’s not. Therapy is awesome when you talk to someone who understands

saturnaliaaa

Date posted: 9h

@Embo20 Wowww I really appreciate this, I actually had unlimited access internet and stumbled across porn at a young age. I’ve struggled with an addiction to it of sorts but mostly broke free from it most of it I was a kid so I didn’t really understand how bad it was. Anyways, I truly think that’s why our brains can be so terrible with OCD lol all the stuff we consume and know it can just run wild 😂. I really appreciate this it made me feel a lot better ! 🩷

Embo20

Date posted: 9h

100%. I never saw harm in all the porn I was watching, and the true crime documentaries I enjoyed. But I was seeing so much sex. And the worst parts of humanity, then my anxiety/ ocd latched onto that and man the intrusive thoughts it could produce from that! and now I really understand how important the content you consume is, and what you fill your brain with! An eye opener for sure!

saturnaliaaa

Date posted: 8h

@Embo20 10000% I appreciate you commenting so much, it’s a lot easier to hear you aren’t all alone!

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