I don't think I can be fixed.

As the title says. I cannot see a world where I make it out of this hole I've dug myself in. I'm gonna try and keep this rant short, as I've ranted about my life a lot on here, but I also want to get as many details as necessary in here. I was an absolutely terrible child/teenager, and I didn't really realize it until recently. I committed COCSA due in part to not realizing that it was wrong, I was addicted to sexting and nude sending for so long that it disgusts me. I got involved with groups of people that I shouldn't have, and absolutely hate myself for it. Even as an adult, I have been better, but I'm nowhere near as "better" as I thought I was. Specifically towards my best friend. I've leaned on her too much for emotional support, and just have been a general creep towards her when I thought I was just flirting. She's not angry or anything, but I'm still angry at myself. On top of all this, I struggle with false memories, and also misremembering real memories. I know for a fact the COCSA occured, but I can't tell you exactly how it went down. I struggle to remember most of my life, which makes things difficult. So of course, when I get false memories involving children, violence, and other things, I can't prove they DIDN'T happen. They very well could have, and that's what scares me. I know what my current values are, but I can't prove that they line up with the values of me say, 2 years ago. I want to be a good person so badly, a phrase I have screamed on the internet numerous times. I want to be a good person, but it feels hopeless. I'm scared to go to therapy. I'm scared to talk about the things I know for a fact I've done, and scared I might have done, regardless of whether I've meant to or not. It doesn't feel worth going to therapy if they're going to have to immediately report me. I'm scared to actually go out and live my life. My compulsion has always been to isolate myself, since I was about 13. I'm 20 now. 4 years of on and off isolation until I was 17, and then now, I've been isolated for almost 3 years straight after having dropped out of college. Is life with OCD even worth living? I know I probably shouldn't talk about it here, but I think about suicide a lot. Many days it feels like the only way out. Traumatic memories, flashbacks of my past actions, intrusive thoughts and urges of actions I don't want to commit... I feel so overwhelmed. I feel as though I'm not even a reliable narrator of my own life story. I truly do believe that I'm a case that can't be fixed. My parents are going to die eventually, and I'll probably just die homeless in the forest somewhere. Part of me doesn't even mind that fate. For now, I'm just going to continue to lay here and rot my brain with YouTube videos.