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Sleep is becoming my biggest issue. I think being on fluoxetine has definitely helped but since the dose is high rn (80 mg) I think its definitely exacerbating my sleep issues. Ironically, I am so tired of being tired 🥲

I’ve recently hit a very big milestone with my boyfriend. The problem is my fear happened again, I didn’t enjoy it, and couldn’t feel anything because I’m always subconsciously monitoring everything I feel/don’t feel. TMI but It’s really REALLY hard for me to get turned on and the last time I was FULLY in the mood was a couple years ago when I met up with my ex. But after that It’s never happened again. Extra TMI but I can’t even get aroused to things I used to be aroused by before this theme bc I feel like I’m watching for my reaction. But when it’s things I don’t want to feel any arousal towards I get aroused. Moving on, when I first noticed I had a crush on my current boyfriend 4 months ago, my mind was clear and I wasn’t really checking as much. But, when I noticed my feelings and attraction for him my body went into a “scanning” mode and I felt myself going numb. I would start to check if I found him attractive every time I saw him, if I still felt the same way the day I realized I thought he was cute, or if I was still excited about calling him. There’s times where him and I kiss and I’m fully present and enjoy it. But when I notice I start to focus on it again and I start to feel nothing. The best way I can describe it is there is a mini me in the back of my head watching everything I feel. Everything I think, feel, and dont feel is always being “watched” and I don’t know how to stop it. I miss being fully present when I’m with him because I finally felt the things that have been “shut off” ever since this theme started when I was 15. The more I subconsciously monitor the less I feel for him and I hate it.Im trying really hard not to ruminate on my lack of strong feelings, attraction, and libido when I come back from dates with him now. It really sucks because in the beginning of the relationship I was so happy about finally feeling attraction and emotions again. This is so annoying and I really hope someone can relate 😭. I need tips please.

So im a non-black WOC and i would never ever use the n-word but sometimes a family member or maybe even a random person will say it if its in song lyrics etc. And it always jolts me because i know I should correct them every, but i never know how to. Often times, when I try to tell others not to use slurs, they're just dismissive and don't want to change. But it still bothers me to the point where I sometimes have panic attacks about it and then all these intrusive thoughts that im a horrible, racist person who deserves to d1e. This kinda triggered me today and i just feel awful bc i don't know how to broach the topic without being dismissed.

contemplated whether or not i should post this a few times but ultimately i decided why not. this is pretty much just a yap session so feel free to completely skip this if you don’t want to read me complaining. apologies since my last few posts have been like this, i just have a lot on my mind. sooo i’m kinda fucked at the moment. i have like $15 to my name right now. mostly because i’ve just been spending money willy nilly and thinking nothing of it since i don’t really have bills other than a car payment. but now i literally can’t pay for my therapy. i have two separate therapists, a talk therapist and an ocd specialist, and i also have an appointment with someone soon to talk about autism testing. i’ve needed glasses for a couple months and i cant afford them now. i have to ask my parents to pay and that’s something i really didn’t want to ever have to do for my therapy because i feel like i’m burdening them already by still living with them and living on their insurance. they’re already scraping by as is and i wish i could help more. i mean i have a job and everything but i only get paid every other week and i’ve been using my student loan money and grants to get me by. i feel selfish for having spent my money on useless crap and then not doing much of anything around the home. the u.s. (and especially red states like where i live) are notoriously shitty when it comes to healthcare and whatnot. like a literally consultation appointment might break my bank. and on top of that i’m still in college and have plenty of classes to go, books to buy, and money to waste on something that i’m not even entirely sure will be fully worth it in the end, and i just found out i’m going to be there for a semester longer than anticipated. i’m so upset because i feel like at 20 i should be smarter with my money and just have my shit together. it’s also just embarrassing to spend so much money on mental health care, especially when it’s so stigmatized. like what’s wrong with me to need so much therapy and so much testing. i know that i’d probably lose my mind without therapy but i don’t know if i can afford it right now, which sucks because i was just starting with erp and already feeling good about it. i guess on a more serious note, i really wish that the state of the world wasn’t what it is now, not that it’s ever been necessarily good but still. being mentally ill in this economy literally just isn’t sustainable because its treated like a fault on our parts. and then we wonder why so many terrible things happen to/involving people that are so clearly mentally ill and aren’t able to get the help they need. we’re told our enemies are people in unfortunate positions who need assistance and not the ghouls consistently leeching off of vulnerable people. it breaks my heart and fills me with rage that people suffer so much because we live in a country that thinks basic needs and care aren’t rights worth upholding. i recognize i’m already in a position of immense privilege to have access to this care and not need it entirely to live but even in middle class, middle america, it’s hard. i’m not gonna go on to write a whole manifesto here but fuck it all feels a little hopeless at the moment.

Crazy how 4 months ago I didn’t remember any of the memories I worry ab now (esp the one I posted ab a couple of days ago) and now it’s all I can think about. I feel like i’m just in some serious denial, there’s too much proof. That memory just makes it even worse. Ik it’s been gone for years but i just want my attraction/libido back. Like FULLY back. Prior to SOOCD I would literally foam at the mouth looking at boy bands Ik that has to mean something 😭. I found my boyfriend attractive before the numbness and ocd took over again. I’m just so tired. I hope the meds make things easier for me. I’m so worried that I’ll have to breakup with my bf if this continues. I was looking forward to this relationship but now I feel like a liar, esp bc of how ocd messed with me in the beginning of it. It makes me feel like I never truly liked him. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves someone completely sure about who they are and their feelings/attraction for him. If it ends up getting to a point where I can’t get better, and I feel like I need to breakup with him, I’m afraid he won’t even want to be my friend afterwards. I really do cherish the friendship we have/had. He’s literally the only person who stuck by me. He would remember my birthday and bring me gifts even when we would rarely talk bc of school (mostly depression for me I’m bad at texting ppl). He would go out of his way to call me EVEN when I was mean to him for a while (not an excuse but I was v depressed and wanted to be left alone). Everything just haunts me now. What happened in that memory wasn’t normal for a straight girl😭but i know for a fact I never was attracted to my friend. She was my best friend at the time, and I knew her since elementary school, but I never felt those crush feelings for her. Like being with her in a romantic way or doing ANYTHING with her had never crossed my mind, even AFTER that whole tingly groinal response incident. I just remember being confused, uncomfortable, and scared because I literally felt nothing for her in that way. I don’t know if it was bc I was uncomfortable, focusing on the fact that she was sitting on my groin, had an image pop up in my head (cant rmbr exactly), felt pressure on my groin, if it was my undiagnosed OCD mind at work (i did had some weird random groinal responses w other things), or that I thought the position was sexual and was just stiff and weirded out, but I just want it to leave me alone 😭. When SOOCD was giving me a break I literally felt almost cured, I just needed my attraction and libido back. My boyfriend started waking it up again. But even then I was still numb and my compulsions/ocd was still clawing for control, making me feel nothing sometimes. Now that my attraction is numbed/dulled towards my bf I just feel frustrated. There’s times like today where I can feel it for like a couple seconds n my mind ks back in numb mode. He sent me pictures and I felt a dull “oh he’s cute” but it lasted for a minute bc I felt so aware (if that makes sense). Then I started to get thoughts about “forcing” those feelings. I just don’t know anymore. All ik is that my prozac BETTER work so I can have an easier time following through on my erp. I need a break…6 years and this shit is still not over.

I was prescribed prozac almost a month ago and haven’t taken it bc i’ve been scared. I don’t know the best way to describe it but taking medication gives me a contaminated/tainted feeling. It makes me feel like my body will never be the same and I always worry about if it will give me diseases in the future or bad side effects. But now i’ve decided to “rip the bandaid off” and take it in the morning. I was daydreaming in the shower about finally being happy, having success with ERP, enjoying my relationship, getting all my feelings back (ESP my attraction and libido), reconnecting with friends, mending my relationships with my siblings, and living the life I’ve always wanted. Of course immediately after I started to think of the worst outcomes and things going bad for me, but I’m just going to take the chance. I’m not feeling very optimistic bc usually things never go how I hope 😀. I also understand that it takes a while to find the right dose/meds or to feel the effects. But I really really REALLY hope this works out for me. If not i’ll be back here to complain ab it.

I read a post from a while ago where someone was scared bc they had friends straddle their lap or sit on them and it always made them aroused. Someone who commented said they dealt with that and SOOCD for 28 years and ended up being a lesbian. It made me immediately remember the time where I was in middle school and my best friend at the time was showing me some kind of martial arts move (more like straddling on the floor), sat on my groin area (like pubic bone), and I felt a tingle down there. I know for a fact I never was attracted to her. She was a great friend but I never once thought of her, my other friends, or other women in a sexual/romantic way. When it was happening I remember being super uncomfortable and stiff bc I’m not really a touchy person with my friends. Minus a couple of guy friends that I had (like my current bf) I would want them to touch me or want them to WANT to touch me if that makes sense. I also remember uncomfortably thinking “this is like a sexual position she’s sitting on my thing rn” and obv my focus was on my groin and that’s when it happened. Bc in my middle school mind that position was reserved for like a bf and gf getting intimate or being touchy. I remember being so uncomfortable and scared bc it did not feel right and the tingling made me FREAK out(also at the time I had no idea I had ocd so idk if it was my ocd doing things). I immediately got up and had to leave to the bathroom bc I felt so confused, scared, and uncomfortable. I ended up forgetting about it and continued being her friend like normal till high school. I forgot about that memory up until a couple months ago. Now when I think about this memory I’m getting the groinal response 😭 (prob just bc I’m thinking ab getting some sort of groinal response). I’ve had friends sit on my lap before and I never felt anything and I never really liked it because Im just not a touchy person with friends and close contact w my girl friends in that way doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Even now I would never let my friends or another girl straddle me or be touchy like that bc I don’t want it, I never think ab it, and it just doesn’t feel right. But bc of that persons comment and memory I’m afraid it’s a “sign” from my body, a secret desire, or me being in denial esp bc prior to SOOCD I did get turned on by a lot of sexual things (porn, sexual pics like nudes or very sexual attire, sexual music videos) and did some sexual experimentation/exploration as a kid (i’ve explained this in other posts), and some memories that may or may not be fake/dreams. Like in my mind if I saw something I would be like “oh this is sexual stuff, this means sex” NOT “omg she’s so 😍😍.” I had some bad anxiety and depression issues in middle school-high school so I wasn’t really having strong crushes so that worries me. But I did have a lot of celebrity boy band crushes like A LOT. But as I got older the worse my mental health were getting because of some personal family issues. I didn’t know how to deal with my mental health so the more I ignored it, it would end up getting worse and evolve. During this time I started to get more unwanted groinal responses and I started to notice and be more uncomfortable with the fact that I felt unwanted groinal responses watching/seeing certain sexual things even though I didn’t feel attracted to it (prior to full blown SOOCD). This also led to me getting more intrusive thoughts. I have been dealing with this theme since I was 15 and It makes me feel like a liar. My libido and attraction to men have disappeared for years, and even when SOOCD isn’t bothering me as much I still can’t get it back. I have had a boyfriend in the past (with SOOCD just never received treatment) which was the early stages of soocd so I was unsure about it first but I ended developing a crush on him and felt cute young love feelings for him but SOOCD, doubt, and the mental compulsions were always there and would numb my feelings and attraction. As our relationship grew and we grew up I was never able to get aroused whenever we were intimate (or in general/by myself I had no sexual drive). I wanted to feel things so bad but I couldn’t. I would feel it sometimes but I was always analyzing my body sensations, emotions, attraction, which made me feel more numb. Before this theme I used to fantasize ab being with a guy or doing *things* with one, and it always felt right, so being intimate with him always made me feel sad and anxious bc I couldn’t feel anything. I reconnected with him a couple years ago and idk what happened but I was extremely aroused by him. All we did was kiss a little and talk but It was the first time in years where I felt genuine arousal. But it only lasted a day and I went back to being numb. Fast forward, I have a new boyfriend who was my friend for a while. I’m pretty sure I liked him since high school but idk bc I’ve been so numb for years. Three months ago when I first felt true, clear, genuine attraction to him I was so happy and excited. But ofc I started to get thoughts about my numbness, no libido, and all that. I even remember when I found him cute and started feeling those crush feelings my mind went into analyzing mode and I couldn’t feel it anymore. I also can’t get aroused with him anymore either 😭. I would be able to (never fully) whenever I was in the moment but my mind would always go back to analyzing. I really hope it’s my bad depression and ocd and nothing more. It’s like there’s a mini me monitoring everything in my brain and I can’t feel things (except all the things I don’t want to feel). All my worries and thoughts triggered this SOOCD flare up and now I feel nothing. I’ve made a post about my feelings for him before so I won’t go too into it this is already too long. I’m just afraid this memory and all the other weird things, past/present groinal responses, and years of no libido/attraction mean something. There’s nothing wrong w being gay but It just doesn’t feel right. If I was I wouldn’t jump for joy I would just end up being single all my life bc I don’t even want to experiment/experience it. All I want is to enjoy my relationship. I really thought SOOCD was going to finally leave me alone 😭. Im not religious but sometimes I find myself trying to negotiate with whatever “higher power” is out there. I just pray that If this isn’t ocd and depression I just want my feelings back for my bf, I want to fully enjoy a relationship with a man at least once and I’ll be satisfied. All this makes me feel like i’m lying to myself but I swear I felt all those things for him 3 months ago, even with OCD and my compulsions messing with my head. I just want this to end already 😭.

Does anybody constantly think about how a therapist would react to your real event if you were to tell them about everything you’ve been going through with intrusive thoughts and past memories/actions when surrounding taboo topics. Like my brain is telling me that even though they may not directly say that I’m a sick/bad person, they will secretly think it. Like one of the biggest reasons as to why I haven’t sought out a therapist is because I’m afraid they’ll secretly think I’m a pedo. I also keep imagining actually meeting with a therapist and then them going home, sharing their day with other people like we all do and then saying things like “ I had this new patient and this is what she did, when she first told It was the first time I’ve been taken aback and I had to hide my disgust, she’s really sick” like that’s literally the worst case scenario for me. I think because my real event(s) doesn’t involve any one real or has to do with anything illegal and my brain can’t turn to what are the consequences of this it turns to my own morality and catastrophizes it in the sense that I’m actually a sick person and although my undiagnosed ocd is a mental illness, it’s only bringing to light what I didn’t recognize before my ruminations and obsessions.

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

I notice that the thoughts aren’t constant and just pop from time to time. However the rumination is constant. I do have other annoying mental compulsions but i’m just worried that it’s not OCD. The thoughts dont feel loud but they do make me ruminate. Sometimes they’re “what ifs” or “this happened which means this and your a liar” or they’re like memories/flash backs. But they’re not constant which makes me worry that this has never been OCD. I keep ruminating ab weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, fake memories, and (TMI) past random arousal in the past that didn’t align with me and my wants. Idk if it’s bc i’m ALWAYS questioning and analyzing in my head that I don’t notice things as intrusive thoughts? But there’s too much proof I feel like this is just me coming to a realization, i’m in denial, and it HAS to be true which makes me want to puke. I literally forgot all ab that stuff but my brain has brought it all back 😭. This flare up started because of a couple thoughts ab my relationship that made me anxious and triggered the rumination and it went back into an SOOCD spiral. My therapist told me she definitely thinks it’s OCD but at this point I don’t feel like it is.

If ur here just to give some encouragement dw ab reading this Im just venting 😭. If you read my billions of posts you can see I’m having a really hard time. I’m analyzing memories, possible false memories, weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable thing that happened in 7th grade that feels like undeniable proof, the beginning stages of SOOCD, my crushes in the past to see if they were real or if I liked them enough, false attractions (which are constant now), I’m triggered by everything, I’m checking for attraction, I’m just miserable. I cant even enjoy old movies or cartoons that used to bring me comfort because I have thoughts like “Did I find this character attractive? I probably didn’t if I can’t remember. I used to always want the boy and girl to be together, but I cant remember if I liked the boy, It must be denial. I probably liked the girl.” I can’t remember shit and my brain keeps filling in the blanks but idk if it’s real. Im worried that this isn’t even OCD because the thoughts aren’t consuming me it’s just pure rumination and other compulsions. Is that still OCD? I still get random thoughts like when I’m watching something random on social media. I could be calm, not triggered by anything, and get a thought like “If she was naked you’d be aroused, rmbr that childhood exploration, you’ve been aroused to XYZ so you probably would be right now” and then I start to ruminate. Idk if that’s rumination or intrusive thoughts. But I usually just ruminate all the time 🧍‍♀️as soon as I wake up and when I go to bed. I get like images and flash backs of the “proof” idk if that counts as intrusive thoughts. I feel so terrible and completely numb to everything. What’s eating me alive right now is my years of numbness. Was that OCD, depression, or me just being in denial? I feel like there’s too much proof at this point. I really have suffered a lot with my mental health over the years so it could possibly just be that my brain is just in shock mode but I don’t know why it’s been so long. I haven’t seen anyone on this app say all their libido and attraction went away for YEARS. But then again I was not diagnosed for 5 years and just completely shut down. I was still numb when I started dating my boyfriend and I was so afraid that it would ruin the genuine feelings and attraction I started having for him before we started dating. I was feeling happier so maybe that’s why I started to feel those good feelings and emotions again. I swear to whoever reads this I DID feel attraction, excitement, all the things for him 😭. Him confessing to me made me anxious and scared bc my numbness makes me feel like a rock and I wasn’t sure I wanted to peruse a relationship. But I was like no, I felt those feelings after YEARS, he makes me feel happy and I have a crush, I won’t let fear take this away from me. I was doing good, my checking compulsions were annoying, but I was doing pretty good. The fear was going away, I was checking less and started feeling the full attraction again, I was in the moment when we hung out, dates were amazing, but then the thoughts and ruminating literally fucked it all up. When I was laying down in bed one night I thought “What if my numbness makes me stop liking him.” It automatically made me anxious and I was stuck ruminating about it all day. Then it just progressively got worse and now I’m stuck dealing w full on SOOCD again 😭. I feel like a rock towards my man now. He sent me a picture and I felt nothing. But then I think “you were numb anyways you probably never liked him.” I don’t even know if my feelings for him a couple months ago were even real bc of how much I ruminate. I was so sure of myself a couple months ago but not anymore. How do I go from “Omg his smile is so nice, I want him to kiss me so bad, his laugh is so cute, he looks so good.” to NOTHINGGGGGG. Prior to the big flare up I rmbr going to a festival with my sister and thinking another guy was cute bc he looked like my man (I swear he was waking up my emotions again) and I started to worry and freak out ab finding another man attractive. Why is my brain so confusing 😭? I want to hangout with him but I’m also scared to at the same time bc I’m afraid of feeling nothing and being triggered by it and ruminating, checking, analyzing. I feel like i’m shutting down again. That’s what’s been happening since high school. If my mental health and OCD make me feel like shit, my brain shuts everything down, and I do nothing. I want to do nothing and isolate because it’s safe, it’s not triggering, and it doesn’t leave me exhausted. Ever since I graduated high school I have been a rock. I have no goals, wants, motivation, NOTHING. I had to drop out for a bit bc when the lcd calmed down a bit, the depression just TOOK OVER. I feel like there’s never going to be an end to this. If this isn’t OCD then idk what to do.

I desperately need some advice or tips. Now that I’m having a horrible flare up that feels sooooo real it’s hard for me to feel good around my man anymore. The feelings and attraction I felt for him turned into numbness and OCD constantly makes me feel like a liar and question everything. I’m trying to stop checking and ruminating whenever I’m with him but it’s so hard especially when I feel like a full on rock again. I have no libido (haven’t in years actually), barely any attraction to men anymore (been happening ever since this theme started which was a long time ago but I think it’s from the years of feeding the OCD cycle,depression, and anxiety), and I’m feeling emotionally numb again. I don’t know if this is asking for reassurance but I really just want to know how to continue my relationship that I was so excited for. I was so happy to feel genuine attraction and to have a crush again after years of numbness 😭 I was so excited for this new chapter. All these missing emotions were waking up again, and I was starting to feel happier and normal. But ofc OCD had to make an appearance again. Any tips will be greatly appreciated!! (how this flare up has me feeling)

Warning!! This will have some 18+ stuff. I know I shouldn’t be ruminating about this but this whole off and on 6 year SOOCD thing started because I thought a kpop idol (who was masculine presenting/androgynous) was attractive. It made me very uncomfortable finding out that she was indeed a woman. In some pictures and angles she looked like another male kpop idol, but in some she looked like a woman and the attraction just went away. But my brain went to full panic mode because I was worried that it meant something about me. Logically I know this doesn’t mean anything and that I can just move on. I’ve even had friends (they are straight) in high school tell me they would sometimes mistake a super masculine lesbian/androgynous woman as men, find them attractive, realize they’re women, and then just move on. I’ve even had masculine lesbian friends, teammates, and coaches, and I never thought anything about it or felt attraction to any of them (even if they were conventionally attractive). But my brain brings in past stuff like how I was attracted to a manly cartoon character, bc again THEY LOOKED LIKE MEN. I literally did not care or get triggered until SOOCD started. Idc ab childhood exploration or ab the fact that TMIIIIII!!! I am aroused by anything remotely sexual (sorry), I completely forgot about it until a couple months ago and It has never changed the fact that I’ve only ever wanted to be with men and have been attracted to men all my life 😭. It just makes the false attractions and groinal responses harder to pass by bc my brain automatically tells me “UR LYING YOU LIKE THIS! UR YEARS OF NUMBNESS, LOSS OF ATTRACTION, AND LIBIDO IS BC UR GAY!” But when ocd wasn’t at my throat, and I was entering a happier headspace, I was noticing the attraction coming back, and for the first time in years I developed a crush on someone (my now boyfriend). I’ve always found him cute and had a crush on him but ocd likes to tell me that never happened and i’m lying but whatever. Anyways, I developed a real crush again, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted to touch him (not super freaky touching😭 just like caressing his hair and face), I wanted to talk to him and be around him, I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning and talk to him bc I just felt so giddy and like a normal person again, I had all the crush feelings for him. Before the SOOCD flare up I was just so happy and excited. I was worried about the numbness, which i’m pretty sure is from years of not doing ERP and off and on struggle with really bad depression. Highschool was pure hell for me, I got a tiny bit better after graduating, and then I had to drop out of school for a bit bc the depression became unbearable again. Although I am better now, my new therapist now even told me I do have signs of moderate depression. Best way I can describe the way I feel is like a rock. I feel like all my emotions are muted. I don’t have any hobbies, wants, goals, I feel like a rock with a bunch of feet walking over and around me. I liked reading and going on walks but even that is too much energy again. For the past 4 years I’ve spent my days rotting away just laying down. Also, TMI!!!! I literally have no libido or sex drive, I don’t even do the self stuff (ykwim) bc I have 0 desire to do it. My man was slowlllyyy waking up all the emotions but this ocd spiral has sent me back to my rock like state. TMI!! Me and my bf have been slightly intimate but Im ALWAYS in my head majority of the time and checking feelings and arousal (esp since i have no libido) which ruins it. But when I was in the moment laying on him and we were just kissing here and there, I felt sooooooo amazing. Idk the right word but it felt so peaceful, loving, calming, and just right 😭. Even yesterday I was starting to spiral again bc OCD started to make fake memories, he called me and I was starting to tune out the OCD, and I felt the peace again. I felt the happiness just talking to him again. I’m at a point where idc what ocd says anymore, Im really tired and done debating with this evil disorder. I just want to enjoy my relationship again bc I KNOW that was the real me. It felt so freeing to have a small taste of recovery 😭. Ik I did compulsions (basically habits now bc I haven’t had proper treatment for so long) and things did trigger me, but when I was IN THE MOMENT everything was just so nice and sweet and just really amazing 😭. I hope I can feel all that again soon.

I just want to know how long other ppl have been dealing with SOOCD. Prior to having SOOCD I have had other themes throughout my life but I didn’t know it was OCD bc after a month/months it would go away. These small episodes would always pop up when my home/personal life was terrible. However SOOCD has stuck the longest. It’s been 6 years and it’s really bothering me that it’s been haunting me for this long. Past therapists would always tell me I had GAD and I’ve barely started proper treatment so that’s prob why it’s stuck around for so long. I have also dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression issues as well. What’s bothering me is that I can go into “remission” but still be plagued with numbness, lack of attraction/emotions, no libido and still deal with the groinal response, checking compulsion, and get triggered from time to time. I’ve also dealt with horrible depression from 15-19 (21 now) so maybe that’s why i’m so numb. I was feeling better but felt numb like I was a rock or just a floating leaf. For the past couple years I haven’t been tormented by SOOCD but those small things always would bother me. ESPECIALLY the lack of attraction and numbness. TMI!!!!!!! but I have not had any sort of sexual desires for years and had trouble being intimate in my past relationship esp because of the constant checking. I would want to do those things so badly but my body wouldn’t react and ofc that fed my OCD. No matter what OCD tells me I know prior to ocd I was a very healthy growing girl and I would always day dream about men, read fan fiction, fantasize, yk all that. TMI AGAIN!!! But I have/haven’t had a desire to do anything like that even TMI mast*bation and when I do it’s like “well…alright i’m done.” Sorry if that was too much. I was feeling a LOT better a couple months ago, I felt motivated to get my life back after many years and OCD was kind of leaving me alone (still dealing with the occasional groinal response, occasional triggers, and checking (only when triggered)). The numbness and all that still bugged me but I ended up developing a crush (on my now bf). But as soon as I start to feel real genuine attraction and happiness OCD starts to poke at my brain. It didn’t start with SOOCD thoughts at first, it was mostly just fear about WHAT IF my numbness and loss of attraction ruin the relationship or my feelings for him. I was finding him cute without even checking but when he confessed to me it gave me anxiety and I started checking my feelings and attraction. I would be scared of being affectionate bc again I was afraid I would feel nothing. But when I redirected myself and focused on him I would feel normal again and enjoy everything. I haven’t felt that middle school giddiness and excitement over a boy in so long. I couldn’t wait to talk to him. I loved waking up and having him call me or call before bed bc he always calmed me. The attraction and excitement just made all the worries go away. There’s one date we where I wasn’t doing my checking compulsion and I felt so amazing and free. Holding his hand and being with him felt so good and sweet. Ofc the checking compulsion and anxiety ruined a lot of things at first but once I redirected myself MY GOD I felt like a normal human again and I felt like I could finally start enjoying my life. I was in such a good headspace but then the rumination started bugging me again, which triggered the anxiety, which triggered the groinal response for some reason, and then I started checking again and getting triggered by ppl on social media, and then now I’m here in another SOOCD spiral. I think my SOOCD is mixing with real event OCD and it’s all just so exhausting. I can’t even fully enjoy being with him in person now it’s a constant battle w my brain. If you check my posts you can see how i’ve been just going insaaaaane lately. I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore. I have my small moments of peace but then it all comes back to get me. I’m even getting triggered rn by a movie that my mom insists on watching but yeah that’s all. Just needed to get that out.

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

Currently worrying about how prior to OCD, I once thought a masculine cartoon character (that was really a woman) was attractive when I first saw them pop up in the cartoon. It was when I was in middle school i think. The cartoon character was Kuvira and I spent the last 2 hours googling and spiraling and getting reassurance. I remember being uncomfortable when I heard the voice actor speak and got a wave of anxiety but afterwards I never thought anything of it. Especially because people online said they thought she looked like a man or was a man at first. I was still an extremely boy crazy young girl. After that I never really thought about it ever again until this morning when I was ruminating. It’s funny because when I wasn’t spiraling, in a better place, just numb and had loss of attraction, my mind and body fell for my boyfriend. I can just remember the tension between me and him in the car and how I just wanted him to kiss me so bad. I wanted to touch his hair, look at his smile, hug him, hold his hand, you get the gist. I rmbr looking at him and thinking he was so fine and my ocd popped up again n i thought “but your numb….do you actually think that check again.” I’m tired of this. One minute I feel better and ready to take on OCD and enjoy my relationship and the next I feel like I don’t know myself at all, like a liar, a fraud, and like i’ll never be happy again. Prior to the spiral i forgot all about the “evidence” (childhood exploration (being aroused to sexual things)/mistaking that one cartoon character or masc lesbian as men/that one uncomfortable memory/ porn/ i was exposed to sexual content early sadly). It felt irrelevant to me bc once I stopped obsessing about it, nothing changed, I didn’t change, my wants didn’t change, my desires didn’t change, I didn’t end up falling for a woman like my ocd said i would. I literally mourned bc I thought that my numbness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I cried watching couple videos because I thought i’ll never be able experience it. Only thing that worried me before/in the beginning of my spiral was the groinal response at times, and mostly the non existent libido/attraction/emotional/mental numbness spell for years bc of severe ocd, depression, and anxiety. I literally felt/feel like a rock or a leaf on the ground. But even when I was just dealing with the numbness I FELL FOR MY MAN. No thoughts, no checking, no hyper awareness, just me and him in the moment and those feelings, attraction, and emotions came to me. The day i realized I had a crush on him I felt normal again 😭. It felt normal and real and I loved it. I was so excited I had so many big wins and yesterday (bc i’m spiraling) I had small ones here and there BUT I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS. I had moments where he kissed me and it felt so nice bc i wasn’t checking, ruminating, hyper aware, i was in the moment with my man. He hugged me and the anxiety fell off my shoulders, i felt safe, i felt love, I felt the mushy feelings i felt for him prior to the spiral. But ofc i end up questioning EVERYTHING i feel. I felt a sliver of freedom from this fucking disorder and as soon as I’m happier it comes back. OCD makes me think that those things (childhood exploration and the rest^) is the only thing that ever happened in my life but it literally wasn’t 😭 I was THEE most boy crazy girl. I wanted to experience love and all the other things (ykwim) with a man. I used to daydream and dream about it. OCD makes me feel like i’ll never have any of that. I literally told my therapist if all the past stuff meant something ab me or that im bi ok cool bc that means i don’t HAVE to be with women and I can still be with a man. I was so excited to be with my man and now it gives me anxiety im scared to even text him now. I’m feeling exhausted and numb again FUCK ocd.

So I obviously have ocd, more specifically severe (29 out of 32 on CY-BOGS), and it's contamination ocd mainly. I also have autism, were not sure what level but I'm probably mainly level 1 with level 2 traits. I also have combined type adhd, managed (medicated) pmdd which is not even noticeable because of my birth control, and mild/managed GERD, and moderate chronic eczema which ive had my entire life. I've also developed mild to moderate motor tics and a nightmare disorder paired with ocd and adhd fueled insomnia. I feel like I will never live life the way someone else without my conditions will, even if the physical conditions are all managed, besides eczema. My autism and ocd are the ones taking over my life and I am not able to go to school full time, work a full time job (yet), live alone, have children or high maintwnce pets even if I want them, and I'm having great difficulty driving. I have great difficulties communicating when I'm struggling inside so I had to learn sign language with my girlfriend so we can communicate when I'm unable to speak/or at least elaborate how I feel. I also have an auditory processing disorder. Am I disabled? Am I allowed to say I have disabilities and am impaired and disabled? I very much feel disabled but my parents get almost furious when I say something relayed to being disabled. *furious*. Why is that?

It’s always been a dream of mine to become a successful author, which includes being somewhat famous. Ever since my ocd got bad 2 years ago, I’ve had a fear of becoming famous because I get the intrusive fear of getting canceled for false memories that absolutely go against my morals (like whenever a false memory scenario plays in my head while I’m on any social media post, it tries to convince me I said something inappropriate or derogatory towards someone even when there is zero proof of this ever happening) or getting canceled for dumb mistakes/opinions I had in the past. I deleted my Twitter account last month and sometimes my ocd tries to convince me that I did something bad while I was on there even though the concrete proof says otherwise (I also get paranoid that ppl who blocked me on there would try canceling me years later despite barely making my own posts and mainly sharing tweets that are interesting). I have this fear because I use my pen name for social medias and even though it has a very common last name, I fear ppl would hunt me down and attempt to destroy my life forever. It also doesn’t really help that my generation (online at least) tends to see things in a very black and white manner so that’s why social media ocd is the main ocd I struggle with. If anyone has struggled with this kind of ocd too, I would like to hear how you cope with it because I do not want my ocd to get in the way of my dreams :,)

We've been together for nearly 6 months now, but our start wasn't easy. We began as friends who both liked each other but also liked someone else more. I made the conscious decision to let go of that person, but it was not the same on his side. He didn't know that I liked him back, and had absolutely no inkling that he ever had a chance, so at one point he openly told me that he found her more attractive than me because he thought it wouldn't matter since I "didn't like him anyway." He doesn't even remember that conversation but profusely apologized for saying something so dehumanizing and thoughtless when I eventually brought it up. At one point I even told him to ask her out before we continued further (after I finally confessed) because I convinced myself he'd resent me if he didn't fully explore that option. He thought that was unusual and hated that I may think of myself as a second option (not remembering that he himself had basically already put me in that position), but did it because I was so insistent. These things only became relevant again when I told him to stop calling me "the prettiest girl in the world" a while ago. I don't have a lack of confidence in my looks whatsoever, it's more-so my personality that I worry about, but whenever he said that it would make me so angry because I already knew of someone he thought was prettier. Especially because that comment he said so mindlessly that he even forgot about it, replays in my head so often. He's started saying it again recently, now that we've said our I love you's and are publicly an item to everyone we know. I almost found myself really believing it because I know he loves me. It was fine up until she returned from vacation and now stays in the same building as him, while I'm still stuck at home until it's time to return for the semester. She's been gone the entire time that our bond deepened, but now I'm constantly bothering myself with thoughts of secret insincerity on his part. That now that she's back he'll be enamored by her all over again. That he only likes me so much because she wasn't in the picture. That he'll leave me for her the second he gets a chance even though I know she has no interest. I just feel the need to get this off my chest because I don't want to tell anyone around us and risk them disliking him over something he's deeply apologized for that I should rationally know he doesn't believe anymore. I don't really want to bring it up with him either, for fear of coming off as overly jealous or territorial now that she's back, but I have a tendency to torment myself with misinterpretation of his feelings unless I directly speak with him about it unfortunately. I'll end up brainstorming how to approach it eventually, but it feels so icky right now.

So I don't have sexual ocd at all haha. I just have trouble figuring out what it means to be butch or futch for me because of ocd thoughts like constantly questioning myself over again. What does it mean to be butch for you? For me, it's about how I feel inside and my romantic preferences for women, for sex, and romantic dynamics. So I like to be dominant, a carer in a way, and I like femmes obviously, my girlfriend is a femme on the inside but since she's trans she does dress outwardly masc most of the time because of her safety, which is fair. On the inside, I love feeling like a masculine woman, never a male though. I've never questioned my gender because I've never had to: im just a masculine woman. But the thing is because of my autism, when people talk to me I tend to make my voice really high and sweet sounding like a nice sounding lady, but it's instinct so nobody really perceives me as butch in my personality. Because I'm not really a stone butch at all and I still like wearing feminine things sometimes. But the catch is I've never felt "dysphoric" wearing man's clothes, only femme things (and that's on occasion, I have a whole dress and skirt collection that I wear in spurts, so for a few weeks to months I will be confidently butchy and wearing my loose jeans, my work boots, and I've literally never shaved nor worn a bra, even when I'm femme. So haha yeah. But if I'm feeling like wearing feminine things it's usually because of the weather or because I want to appear girly and feminine, but I could stand to not wear it if I didn't wanna. It's so complicated. I'm not at all non binary or gender fluid believe me, I feel like a woman 100% of the time, just can't decide if it's a butch woman or a futch or what. Idk.