Masculine Lesbians/Androgynous women //Rant

After I started experiencing SOOCD for the past 5 years, I have had absolutely no sexual drive and no (barely anything) attraction to men. I’ve also sort of been emotionally numb for a very long time and I think it’s due to the years of anxiety and horrible depression. Ive been living like a rock, im just floating through life. I have no interests, no hobbies, zero motivation, no goals, and i feel like im going to be stuck like this forever. TMI !!!!!! I think the last time I felt actual genuine arousal/excitement was when I reconnected with my ex a couple years back and that was literally just for a day because SOOCD shut that down quickly. Since my SOOCD started when i was young i never fully felt aroused when I was being intimate. I wanted to do it and I wanted to feel things so badly but I couldn’t/i couldn’t get fully turned on. A month ago I was starting to feel happier, the intrusive thoughts/compulsions were very rare, and I was rarely experiencing the grounds response or or triggered (even though i still had no libido or attraction). I was doing pretty good and I recently got into a new relationship and my boyfriend literally woke up the attraction, I slowly felt myself becoming less numb. Just hanging out with him I started thinking “wow he’s so cute” “i want him to kiss me” “i wish he would hold my hand” “his smile is nice why is he so fine”. I felt something so sweet and It made me so so happy. We had such sweet dates and I was starting to feel like I was getting myself back. I still didn’t have a sexual drive (it was waking up slowlllyyy) and my flare up was starting to get worse so I couldn’t fully enjoy being intimate. My flare up has gotten pretty bad again lately i’m questioning all the things I felt with him and all the attraction and feelings are being clouded by intense anxiety, doubt, and worry. It triggers the SOOCD thoughts so bad and in the shower i was worrying that my anxiety, checking (of arousal, attraction, emotions, etc), other compulsions, and numbness are going to ruin my relationship. It just makes me worry that i’ll never get those feelings back. TMI!!!!! i just want to feel h*ny again man and I want to feel those feelings I felt for my man 😭 Literally 6 years of numbness, depression, anxiety and I finally felt somewhat normal 😭 he was waking things up and my intrusive thoughts messed it all up again. Anyways, I just want to know if anyone has experienced this and if ERP helped at all. I have a therapist now (thank you nocd) and I’m finally going to do ERP, try to fix my depression, and stuff like that. I’m trying to take the advice of someone who commented on one of my posts. They say that i need to continue my life no matter what ocd tells me. It’s getting harder again but I just hope the work im about to put in will allow me to finally enjoy my life.

Since my ocd started when I was 15 and I did get into a long term relationship during it, my ocd has me obsessing over it. simply bc ofc when you have soocd sometimes (depends on the person) your attraction to ppl isn’t that strong or basically non existent. We ended up becoming friends and developing a relationship and I do remember thinking he was cute and had a little crush for a while I felt like a normal teenager again. We had small hangouts and I felt free because I actually felt normal and I wasn’t questioning anything when we would be together. Eventually we started dating but ofc OCD, anxiety, and depression ruled my life during that time so I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the relationship. But there definitely were times where I did (he also was a horrible boyfriend in the end). But I keep over analyzing and thinking maybe I was forcing myself in that relationship. Bc of SOOCD I didn’t enjoy being intimate because I felt numb and was always constantly checking feelings, emotions, arousal, attraction etc. I even had ROCD moment because I was finding a certain guy attractive and I had a small crush on him and I was worried I was losing feelings for my ex (again he was an rlly bad boyfriend). But i also know that I did like him but i keep on thinking “what if i didn’t” “what if the reason you couldn’t full enjoy the relationship was bc you are just in denial” “you’ve been in denial all your life” “there’s too much proof.” When we broke up i was literally devastated I WAS BALLING FOR HOURS. Now that i’m in a relationship with someone who made me feel genuine feelings and attraction after a LONG ASS TIME of pure numbness my mind can’t stop questioning. I still deal with numbness and basically no libido or attraction and this flare up is making it worse. I was doing so good all the worries were gone (again regardless of the numbness, barely any attraction, and no libido) I slowly felt myself coming back. It felt so sweet with my man even when the flare up was barely starting, when i was with him I went back to feeling calm (even when i was constantly checking if i was triggered). When the anxiety and intrusive thoughts are at bay (like a couple days ago) and I see him in person I feel slightly normal again. I feel the sweet feelings I felt for him in the beginning (getting harder now bc of compulsions). But when i’m home i go back to over analyzing EVERYTHING which makes me feel more numb. I just hate this I HATE THIS. I just want to sleep all day so I don’t have to deal with this. I want my brain to just stfu. I want to enjoy my life for once. i’ve been suffering from this since i was 15/16 now im in my 20s how much more of this shit do i have to take.

Currently worrying about how prior to OCD, I once thought a masculine cartoon character (that was really a woman) was attractive when I first saw them pop up in the cartoon. It was when I was in middle school i think. The cartoon character was Kuvira and I spent the last 2 hours googling and spiraling and getting reassurance. I remember being uncomfortable when I heard the voice actor speak and got a wave of anxiety but afterwards I never thought anything of it. Especially because people online said they thought she looked like a man or was a man at first. I was still an extremely boy crazy young girl. After that I never really thought about it ever again until this morning when I was ruminating. It’s funny because when I wasn’t spiraling, in a better place, just numb and had loss of attraction, my mind and body fell for my boyfriend. I can just remember the tension between me and him in the car and how I just wanted him to kiss me so bad. I wanted to touch his hair, look at his smile, hug him, hold his hand, you get the gist. I rmbr looking at him and thinking he was so fine and my ocd popped up again n i thought “but your numb….do you actually think that check again.” I’m tired of this. One minute I feel better and ready to take on OCD and enjoy my relationship and the next I feel like I don’t know myself at all, like a liar, a fraud, and like i’ll never be happy again. Prior to the spiral i forgot all about the “evidence” (childhood exploration (being aroused to sexual things)/mistaking that one cartoon character or masc lesbian as men/that one uncomfortable memory/ porn/ i was exposed to sexual content early sadly). It felt irrelevant to me bc once I stopped obsessing about it, nothing changed, I didn’t change, my wants didn’t change, my desires didn’t change, I didn’t end up falling for a woman like my ocd said i would. I literally mourned bc I thought that my numbness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I cried watching couple videos because I thought i’ll never be able experience it. Only thing that worried me before/in the beginning of my spiral was the groinal response at times, and mostly the non existent libido/attraction/emotional/mental numbness spell for years bc of severe ocd, depression, and anxiety. I literally felt/feel like a rock or a leaf on the ground. But even when I was just dealing with the numbness I FELL FOR MY MAN. No thoughts, no checking, no hyper awareness, just me and him in the moment and those feelings, attraction, and emotions came to me. The day i realized I had a crush on him I felt normal again 😭. It felt normal and real and I loved it. I was so excited I had so many big wins and yesterday (bc i’m spiraling) I had small ones here and there BUT I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS. I had moments where he kissed me and it felt so nice bc i wasn’t checking, ruminating, hyper aware, i was in the moment with my man. He hugged me and the anxiety fell off my shoulders, i felt safe, i felt love, I felt the mushy feelings i felt for him prior to the spiral. But ofc i end up questioning EVERYTHING i feel. I felt a sliver of freedom from this fucking disorder and as soon as I’m happier it comes back. OCD makes me think that those things (childhood exploration and the rest^) is the only thing that ever happened in my life but it literally wasn’t 😭 I was THEE most boy crazy girl. I wanted to experience love and all the other things (ykwim) with a man. I used to daydream and dream about it. OCD makes me feel like i’ll never have any of that. I literally told my therapist if all the past stuff meant something ab me or that im bi ok cool bc that means i don’t HAVE to be with women and I can still be with a man. I was so excited to be with my man and now it gives me anxiety im scared to even text him now. I’m feeling exhausted and numb again FUCK ocd.