Ambiguous obsessions on identity, values, belief

So much of my anxiety sometimes centers around really ambiguous worries, my therapist noted that these anxities all have to do with my own sense of identity and a general fear about "saying" or "claiming" things that I can't know are fully true. I found myself today watching a romance show and I just found myself being like "I will never have this" because my ocd makes it so hard for me to date, Im so stressed about intimacy and stuff more specifically I don't know/cant tell what it means to be attracted? And it's a lot more about that abstract feeling of "what is attraction? What does it mean to like someone else?". And then this kind of becomes a broader "is this even ocd? Its too abstract to be ocd". This goes into a lot of my individual identities as a mixed person (am I a person of color?), a queer person (am I a lesbian or just bi? Do I even like men? What does that even mean?) , adhd/autism (i was diagnosed with these things but what if the doctor was just wrong? What is a diagnosis? What does it mean to "have" something?... ) I think its a lot about "being wrong" and the way in which a narrative is told... i get a lot anxiety that I am not being genuine or right. This is really hard for me to write about because I have no idea how to actually formalize my thoughts on this. Its also hard to find resources because I can't tell if this is an existential thing, general anxiety, a mix of things (so ocd, rocd, ect)... but I feel like this has to be a common thought process? Its just so pervasive and its so many things with that underlying current of "being wrong" about a subjective thing that can never be right/aspect of identity/abstract feeling?

anon.aspirant

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

I experience the same thing! Almost all of my ocd themes center on not really knowing myself or realizing I was wrong about something (i.e. what if I figure out I’m not really a lesbian, what if I realize I’m not in the right relationship, what if I realize I’m not making the right career/life choices, what if I don’t really have ocd, etc.) I also find it really difficult to formalize my thoughts on this subject, so I appreciate your post! It helps to know I’m not alone

Anonymous

Date posted: 21h

It makes me feel better that im not the only one. It makes it so I can't "have" an identity. Very few things are black and white truly and ocd takes away my ability to decide things for myself

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I totally know what you’re talking about and have had a lot of these experiences myself! I’ve recently started to wonder whether some of my unsureness about what I’m feeling (eg: “what even is attraction??”) might stem from neurodivergence (like autism, in particular). And maybe that’s just me on the quest for another label that would free me from having to deal with ambiguity and uncertainty (I def tend towards black-and-white thinking), but also… maybe I’m onto something? Just wanted to put it out there in case that resonated. Autism definitely occurs with OCD a non-trivial amount!

Anonymous

Date posted: 21h

I think its 100% related with autism too. And I think it makes it so much harder for me. Partially because my ocd makes it so I doubt my autism diagnosis (or "identity") and its just an endless cycle. You think getting the "confirmation" helps, but you still doubt yourself because "what if the psychiatrist is a quack" (im a low support woman, whose high-ish masking and many people in my life afe like "you're not autistic") so I wish this label freed me from ambiguity in that sense but it just became another thing with ocd. But its part of the autism for sure, a general inability to know what im feeling at a given time (alexithymia).

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