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My brain is screaming inside my head that I'm trans. What if I am? Idk how I feel like. Idk who I am

Hello everyone! My name is Tizi. My boyfriend has Health Concern OCD. He's doing treatment with fluoxetine and aripiprazol, but he's currently unable to attend therapy or do ERP due to reasons I believe wouldn't be respectful to specify here. When he's having OCD episodes or compulsions he often talks to me (we have a long distance relationship) or his father, who's often at work, so his support net is often virtual. I obviously want him to be alright, so I did some research about OCD and read that telling him "it's okay, everything is fine" or giving him reassurance won't help him more than a temporary relief. I often try to tell him things like "I know how you're feeling right now, but you can't keep checking your eyes" or things like that, but he gets really anxious and NEEDS that reasurance. Although I almost never give it to him and I often save it as a last resource, it truly pains me to see him like that and I have to cave. I want to know where can I find resources for partners of people with OCD, about a plan of action, reassurance, handling compulsions or crisis. I did some DBT therapy for my BPD and learnt a couple relaxation, grounding and breathing techniques and often ask him to try them with me, but it's like it's never enough. What can I do?

Hey! Having intrusive thoughts and impulses have always been apart of me. I wanted to try this app/community out because only within the past year did I start to question if I could have OCD or a form of it, severe or not. I got into my first relationship at 18 and we were together for 3 years, broke up for 9 months, and recently got back together. I am a black, fem, gay man with not much experience, and my boyfriend is primarily white with past relationships. This being my first relationship, it had hit me pretty hard as I had a lot insecurities of his intentions and his past exes. i became obsessed with stalking his exes social medias and comparing myself. I had become extremely co dependent from having a hard time within my home/parents, so my boyfriend became my everything at the time. Even getting back together maybe a month into everything, I started repeating some patterns and habits. Obsessing over him and his life, wanting us to be “where we were before”. Since our getting back together, he’s made a lot of efforts to reassure me and wanting to prove me of his maturity, that being a reason for our separation (mostly was me needing space and feeling incapable of dating). Its been really great but again I’m comparing myself. Ruminating on past events or made up scenarios has always been something I struggled with, with or without a relationship. I started seeking validation anyway I can, feeling as though my life has no control and that I was mentally insane. I’ve been obsessively cleaning my space and seeking things that I know I have control over (video games, weed, drinking). I feel jealous that he’s better than before and I feel as though I still need so much reassurance. I now doubt myself and my ability to trust us again, but I want to make an effort to better myself, mostly for my mental health and the security of our relationship. Just yesterday I blew up at him for being “better than me” and he recommended that I started to find some healthy sources in my life that didn’t always involve him and I took offense. I immediately understood his POV this morning and have been trying to save myself again. Of course there’s so much more minor details but I wanted to try and fit as much of my thoughts as I could. I apologize for this being so long LOL but expressing myself has been a goal of mine this year so this is me doing just that. I hope someone resonates or just likes to read. :) photo is me

Hey Does anyone know any good tips to calm my anxiety during rumination and remembering past things that relate to genital staring? The anxiety seems to only get worse and no matter what I do, the panic still ends up coming. I've tried allowing myself to glance without fear because I know its not out of sexual/power. I've tried telling myself I'll worry another time (it works for a bit because I then don't worry later, but it always catches up.) I've tried going out. I've tried researching (probably not the best idea) Same with confessing (everyone is so understanding but I still feel like I am lying to get out of a crime I haven't even committed) I've tried sleeping but I wake up worse. I've tried telling myself maybe I am that to reduce the fuel, yet it only makes it worse. Music makes the panic more intense. I just need anything. Please. I don't know what to do. How am I even going to go through the ERP that I want to aim for if I can't even cope alone? When people with OCD say my situation is classic, yet I still panic? When people trust I am not a pedophile even though I fear I am one. (this includes staring too, but I don't have a tag, oops)

Im a 16 year old Trans male, and a couple days ago I started having intrusive pdf file thoughts, and I haven't been able to do anything since, I have looked it up and educated myself on Pure-O OCD and all my symptoms match, but god is it difficult. I can't eat or sleep, in fact I am writing this right now as I try to sleep but can't because of the constant anxiety. It's like there's this voice in my head going against everything I believe in, and I know they're not true but I can't help but seek reassurance from my family and friends. I feel so anxious all the time, and I can only feel "normal" for a couple minutes throughout the day is I engage in my mental compulsion, like watching videos and looking at websites to make absolute sure I just have Pure-O OCD. I hate this disease and really miss how simple my life was before I had it, I can't be near my family or friends without feeling this intense anxiety because my brain keeps saying "They don't know you're a pdf file" WHEN IM NOT, IVE NEVER FELT ATTRACTION TOWARDS KIDS, IVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO THEM AND IDK WHAT TO DO, I CANT GET MY MIND STRAIGHT AND I CRY EVERYDAY AS I FEEL LIKE IM LOOSING MY MIND. Will any older POCD sufferers tell me if they've been through the same thing as me or not? I can't even see kids on TV shows or animated films without my anxiety rising and can barely go through any sexual themes or jokes during TV time and this makes me fear that I'll never be able to find love or maybe have a kid of my own someday. I just really hope there is a way to at least get way better then where I am now

Does anyone else have a worry that with rocd, even when you put in the effort to give yourself exposure to the fears and it does get better, that it won’t get as better as you expect and want it to. Like say this is what happened to me, the whole week i was really trying to sit with the discomfort and let the thoughts be there. And it DID help, i overall started to feel more connected to my partner for more than a day and obviously each day is different but still. When the time came for me to see him i feel like i felt really weird and although i didnt have such pressuring thoughts as soon as i was with him, i felt like if i wasn’t the way i expected myself to be now that i’m starting to feel like i’m slowly gaining myself back when im with him, then there could be a problem, but i don’t want there to be a problem. I did feel a bit triggered. I was in his house for the first time properly overnight so new environments can be a bit scary, and i was meeting a bit of his family for the first time the next day. So idk maybe i was putting pressure on myself to feel super affectionate perfectly but it wasn’t like that, i did have thoughts but trying to ignore them and keep going also felt wrong. (for context also on the aroace spectrum) I also got a bit overwhelmed with being intimate that i got upset and felt really bad about it and now i just kind of don’t know what i feel fully. does anyone else know what this is or is it normal?? Is it normal to feel like you are getting better when your away from them but then when the time comes for you to be with them you still feel weird or wrong? Even when logically you know nothing is really WRONG. Idk i feel kind of discouraged.

notifications really really bother me. my brother and select few people mention a lot that i’m bad at answering texts, and they get kinda mad at me sometimes because i’ll miss things they’ve said. i don’t see it that way necessarily, i think relying on a text isn’t always good and it’s normal to follow up in real life, (which they don’t do, they make it my fault). i either get distracted or open the texts and don’t respond right away, but i always need to clear them. however, i made a connection just now while playing a game. i tend to like these styles of games, (games where you explore and upgrade your base and get higher level workers to gain resources.) now these types of games are hard for me to pull away from, the need to keep making more money, upgrade, nothing can be left untouched. while thinking about how i couldn’t get off the game, it felt similar to how i feel with notifications. the need to open everything, uncover everything, finish everything. i started to wonder if it could’ve been related to OCD. opening all notifications to clear them as a compulsion from the anxiety. i don’t know if any of this connects or makes sense but, it was like a a-ha moment, so maybe it means something. goodnight

Does anyone else's OCD just randomly flare up for no reason? Sometimes I don't even get an intrusive thought, I just feel this weird angst like something's wrong. And then that feeling latches onto whatever subtype is hitting me hardest right then. And it always involves me being a bad person. Once it grabs on, it sticks for weeks. It eventually calms down, only to come back again during those random moments of angst. Also, if I'm feeling anxious about something specific, like an exam or holidays, that anxiety stops being connected to its actual cause and just latches onto my OCD subtypes instead.

I guess I’m feeling a bit down today because I turned down an invitation to a party that’s happening today and it serves as a reminder of how I’ve let my ocd and problems with forming relationships affect me. I want to be there because I hate missing out but at the same time I fear that going would feed my magical thinking and anxious spirals. context: a year and a half ago I asked out the girl who invited me to this party. She said yes which made me really happy since I felt/feel unwanted, and worry about potential mistakes/rejections. Anyway she said that she wanted to take it slow because she had past abandonment issues and was more avoidant (I respected this). Sure this made me feel bad but I’d still try to plan small (casual) hangouts when she was free which she’d always push off (felt like something was wrong with me). I’d constantly think abt our next convo and once summer came I would spiral over the next text and how to make it perfect to keep the conversation going out of fear of making a mistake and losing her. 6 months later and it was the end of summer break and we hadn’t hung out once so I made a final attempt and we went to the fair together. To make a long story shorter, she admitted to saying yes to going out just to make me happy and essentially to stringing me along for 6 months which broke my heart ngl (I guess my friends did warn me about the first wlw relationship curse 😔). I tried to communicate clearly and make her understand the way she absolutely destroyed me and my trust and how much time I had put into considering her needs and planning things but she made an excuse and acted like nothing happened. Anyway, for almost the whole next school year I didn’t talk to her and avoided any form of interaction because WHY would I do that to myself? Two months before school ended a mutual friend said that the girl who led me on felt like I hated her and wanted the mutual friend to ask me if I did. I ended up sending the girl a somewhat heated text about how it hurt that she couldn’t even reach out to ask me herself and to talk like adults if she wanted to. Also I expressed that as someone who constantly worries abt being a bad person/managing morality (I told her abt this) I felt it was wrong of her to make me feel like it was my fault for reacting in what I felt was a pretty normal way? We had a convo in person after exam season and I honestly told her that I didn’t believe that we could be friends because of what she did and her refusal to grow which made her cry and I felt so bad that I ended up comforting her and letting her vent about her life instead and for some idiotic reason I agreed to be friends again. I obsessively think about how I shouldn’t have agreed because all it does is make me feel left out when isolating myself previously had at least been my choice. She seems to be trying but at the same time I just don’t know how to deal with her when she still can’t grasp the amount of pain she caused me and knowing that she has a tendency to promise change without following through for more than a few months. How do I cope with the pervasive feeling that I’m unwanted and defective?? How w do I cope with wanting to be her friend and the overwhelming thoughts of winning her over and showing her what a healthy relationship can be if i stay friends (this is 100% magical thinking but I can’t stop) it’s messing with me and it hurts me to have declined her invite but at the same time i wonder if maybe i need to slowly drift away for the sake of my sanity even if it hurts me for a little while…? I also feel like i can never trust anyone with my feelings ever again, even my friends and family, due to the unbearable fear that they’re all just faking 😭

Anybody else with ROCD in a looong oong term relationship? I have been with my girlfriend for a decade, and I love her and want to be with her but for the first time ever I'm having anxiety about all of the different life paths I could have taken and whether or not I am choosing "right". She is my first and only, we've been together since I was 16. I don't want anyone else. But my anxiety has latched onto this fear of finding my forever person so young, especially because I have BPD and dependency issues. I want to sort those things out and heal and have a healthier relationship with her and myself, but I'm so terrified that if I get over the dependency, I will realize that that was the "glue" in our relationship. I get worried that I have never been single or lived alone as an adult. Like that's something everyone "has" to do. I just get scared. But I lovey girlfriend and I will fight for her forever. I feel like for a majority of our relationship I have felt so confident, but I have recently been lind of obsessing how many different paths there are in life and how I chose my path so young? On the otherhand I feel so lucky that I have gotten to grow up with this woman, that we could potentially be together for 70-80 years. Why after a decade am I suddenly so worried about this? Im just afraid because I have been an unhealthy person for so long, and I'm so scared that when I fully heal my dependency our relationship will change and I won't want it as much without the unhealthy "need" factor. It scares me even writing this. Why am I suddenly so obsessed with all of life's different possibilities? I don't want to be apart from her, but what if it's for the wrong reasons? Dependency, comfort, fear of loss, etc. Anyone relate? I am sick of this spiral. Im sick of not trusting myself and second guessing myself. Especially because I have made up my mind. I will fight for this forever. But what if that's wrong? What if it's my dependency? People talk about how you should know yourself before being in a relationship, but I feel like I have never really found myself. I have spent so much of my life in survival mode, grasping onto any bit of pleasure to get me through the day. Loving day by day. Very little goals or plans. Making my relationship too much of my life and personality. Isolating myself. Can I untangle this and become more independent and find myself without losing my best friend? How do I stop worrying about my choices and where they are coming from? Anytime I feel good, I second guess it. Like im forcing myself to feel that way because that's how I want to feel. But if that is how I want to feel, doesn't that mean that is how I feel and what I value? I'm just struggling. I just want to be healthy and present with my girlfriend. But the whole big "what if I'm deluding/lying to myself? What if I want to want it but don't actually want it? How can I trust what I want when my brain and attachment are so fucked up?" It's so difficult, i'm going back and forth between feeling confident and good and anxious and disconnected (which is better than I was only a few months ago-constantly sick with anxiety). I'm afraid I have passed some point of no return. I wish I could figure it out. I wish I could trust myself. Im so afraid of becoming more independent and finding out rhat my dependence was what was keeping me attached. This is triggering to even write. Anyone out there feel like this?

when did luvox start working for u guys? on two weeks i dont feel anything working... almost three weeks 😭

Hello! I have this fear about staring at people innapropriately. Breasts, bum, groin. This moved onto children, and it affects me greatly. I personally feel like I cannot get rid of the thought until I look. This makes me feel like I did it intentionally, which makes me worry I am a pervert. And obviously, so much worse now it's happened to children. I also get the feeling like I want it, which makes me feel worse. Like I am doing it to molest someone, but everyone knows I hate pedophilia and anything of sorts I wonder if anyone has similar stories. I feel so alone, and I don't want anyone else to as well. I'm hopefully going to a proper professional soon thankfully.

Last night I kept waking up on and off. Because my mom was worried for me, me and my boyfriend are on a break. I kept waking up in the middle of the night on the verge of tears and panic and started messaging him before going back to sleep and waking up again later. This time, it said he posted on his story 2 hours ago when by this time I text 4 hours ago. Since then I've been horrifyed that he's angry at me. I continue to miss him, but my mind keeps saying "do you really miss him, or are you just bored?" "You're only with him because no one else listens to you about your interests." "Maybe you'd replace him." It makes me go back and analyze how I've treated him in the past. I was frequently annoyed, irritable, and a bit jealous of him due to insecurity reasons. And no matter what, Ive always been a somewhat emotionally numb person. I believe I lack empathy, and in general I seem cold. I'm so scared. I'm scared I'm just using him. I don't know what to do.

I can't stand having an obsessive mind. I've lived like this my whole life—childhood included—and I don't think I even know what it means not to be obsessively questioning something in my head. I'm ALWAYS on high alert. At this point, the subtype or theme doesn't even matter anymore, because it latches onto anything and everything in my day-to-day life. I'm EXHAUSTED and stuck inside my own brain.

So i need some help, i havent been diagnosed with ocd but i heavily resonate with OCD symptoms and have had symptoms for 10 years now and ROCD is a theme i seem to be dealing with for a couple of months. Can it be that your ROCD thoughts get to the point where you feel like your clarity is being hijacked by OCD and deep deep down you know that you have had better days and that this isn’t what you truly want but its making you think and feel like it is what you want/need like e.g I’ve been having a lot of thoughts like ‘you don’t want to be with him’ when this started again i tried to put what i learnt to practise to let it be there but i started to lean into reassuring myself that i do want to be with him, leading into a bothered feeling with the thoughts in the back of your head. To then feeling and thoughts like you will be better and happier if you weren’t with them. This is the first time in a while that i have felt really out of touch with my true self and its starting to feel like my true self is not my true self and that THIS is my true self. It started to not even feel scary and more like a fact that made me sad but still a bit uncomfortable. Ive had small moments of being like “thats not what i want” to the thoughts and being able to let them pass but when it gets bad it gets bad and it feels like you have no other option to really go in. It almost like distorts your brain even though a week ago i felt arguably the exact opposite of this. Its been like this for a couple of days now, ive seen him over the last couple of days so maybe the already sensitivity of it triggered it more being with him. (Side note i started my period the other day so i have felt overall more sensitive) please say im not the only one who is dealing with this and that its not just me, its kind of a nightmare. I hope this doesnt last forever because im also a bit worried that it’s never gonna go away and that its something i need to worry about.

alright yall, this might be a long one. me and my ex boyfriend have broken up 2 times now. this most recent time he moved to my town to be closer to me and slowly proved himself to me. one night however, he went up on a mountain and didn’t tell me anything about what he was doing which was weird because he usually tells me everything. he also does have a little bit of ocd. anyways, i got very angry and frustrated and ended up yelling at him. after that fight it feels like he has pulled away. he started smoking again everyday which is not good for him because it makes him foggy and just not really care about much including me. we have had conversations since this fight about how he doesn’t know what he wants from me anymore and that hurts considering we have been trying to figure things out for months now. flash forward to these past two weeks. he keeps giving off mixed signals and acting weird. he hangs out with this guy every single day (they smoke together) and it makes me anxious and overthink everything because this guy is also gay. he’s not his type in any way but he has told me that his friend “is an attractive young man and has a really kind heart”. he has also told me that he loves that i don’t smoke or drink so it’s just out of character for him to be doing anything with this guy. all while he’s been telling me that he thinks that things between me and him are going to be okay. i’m scared that he’s lying and doesn’t want to fix things like he says he does. he goes camping with this guy, sees him on his break at work, and constantly texts him when we are together. all i want is him and to fix things between us but it’s hard because it’s almost like he just won’t let me. he says he wants me to tell him everything i’m thinking and feelings since it’s an issue we have ran into in the past, and i’ve gotten better at it. the things that bothers me is the fact that i’m working so hard on myself but it feels like he isn’t seeing it. he says he is, but then goes and hangs out with his friend instead of me. also side note, i went through his phone one night (i know i shouldn’t have) and found out he was on grindr. that’s where he met his friend instead when i confronted him about it he said he was just making sure that i wasn’t on there. i don’t know if i fully believe him. anyways, sorry for the long post. these past few weeks have been rough.

I had a relapse in a bad habit that actively feeds my ocd. This was because it's not just my ocd at play, I think I'm also going through a sort of withdrawal with that habit, and cutting myself off from the people related to it makes me feel isolated and alone. The point being, I ended up pushing the limits of what my triggers were and had a relapsed yesterday afternoon. I feel terrible and scared that it might happen again in the future since I partially sought out the anxiety beforehand. I'm holding myself accountable and trying to get better, but it's really hard when the habit I'm trying to drop and the ocd are double teaming me. Anybody got any advice or just general words of relatability?

I've been going through hell for months and months. Recently diagnosed with BPD, suspected OCD that kind of switches between Real Event and Relationship focused, but of course also I doubt whether I have OCD at all and the relationship focused stuff is actually "my gut" or "my subconscious" or whatever. Started Prozac a few months ago. For the past few days, I've actually been feeling really good. Less rumination, less drive to "figure out" the questions and doubts that pop into my head. Less desire to "investigate" my thoughts and waht they mean. A bit less "testing" of my feelings as well. So I was so happy, because I felt better just in time for my birthday! Like yesterday, I felt pretty consistently ok and almost had the feeling that maybe I do know myself, maybe I can trust myself to know what I want. But today is my birthday, and I feel a bit worse than yesterday :( My gf took me on a surprise little sailboat tour, and it was so fun and I had a good time and I am so grateful, but I could feel that sense of uneasiness taking me out of the moment a bit. The worries about all of the things I have thought and doubted in the last few months, and even if everything gets better, I don't know how to deal with the fact that I got to the place where I was questioning the things I was questioning and doubting my relationship so much. Do I feel a bit worse because it's my birthday and there is some "pressure" to be present and have a good day? Just wanted to know if anyone else could relate. I really want to be able to just let go and enjoy the rest of my bday with my gf. She is so amazing, and she's taking me to a surprise dinner and I really just want to fully be in the moment, no matter what! Once again, I doubt my OCD diagnosis especially since my decade relationship has been through so much shit due to me being a bad person and very dependent. I am trying to learn how to love my girlfriend more healthily and selflessly, and the change/growth can be a bit destabalizing. So I'm sorry if I shouldn't post about ROCD stuff if I'm not 100% on a diagnosis, I just relate a lot to the community

I always ask questions a lot because I don't have a therapist. I can never find one. Even with a psychiatrist I'm on medication finally after years of complicating if I'm gonna ruin my body for this would even after I prescribe the meds She said she couldn't help me anymore. She wishes the best for me. This happened yesterday again with another therapist she left me. This is nothing new to me at first honestly I borrowed this app because I'm like what's wrong with me. But this is just a repeating subject for me, unfortunately that I'm trying to understand that ocd is very hard to work with because I have the most irrational thoughts, and I cannot even get a psychiatrist or therapist on here because they don't accept my insurance sadly. i'm in PA.. I'm wondering if this happened to anybody else with ocd or is it just me? I have the dwelling fear of pregnant pregnancy (i'm a lesbian dating a girl) but the fear of sperm that it's everywhere at the consciously wash my hand, totally bleed. I cannot put on my underwear correctly because if my foot touches my underwear I will freak out. Have to wash my hands constantly for this could go on for two hours if not more I can't do shared toilets with men, can't touch stuff they touch, I put lotion on my hands, cause my brain will convince me it's sperm my dog has peed on the floor before causing me to have to wash my feet constantly before you even try to put on a pair of underwear and if my foot even touches a little bit of my underwear, I have to throw them off and put a new ones on this repeat even if it doesn't touch me in my brain will convince me that my foot they touch my underwear, causing stress and panic panic attacks I haven't found anybody else who has this ocd fear, and ritual that I have and it makes me wonder and fear even without finding somebody else who does have this weird ritual I'm getting pregnant for these reasons even if my dogs are male, makes me have the ridiculous fear this would only happen to me and nobody else on earth. Hopefully this makes sense because it's really hard to put it into words without sending ridiculous and even saying out loud is really rough for me I know ocd isn't supposed to make sense but hearing from a therapist that I don't have ocd and making fun of you for not knowing the basic ways I'm getting pregnant she made it seem is really rough for me. It makes me feel that it will only happen to me. How do I cope with this? How can I somehow get a rational way of thinking because it's there I know that the only way I'm getting pregnant is through sex but my brain convinces me that I'm different and it will happen to me doing the most stupidest stuff like one of them my foot touching my underwear after wearing outside shoes in the house and touching the floors my foot touched the floors, trying to change my underwear will cause pregnancy I feel alone and crazy

I may be trying to reassurance seek here but i want to know, can you wake up, have thoughts and be quietly bothered by them. Also its not just thoughts but like a feeling of wrongness that maybe could have influenced the thoughts or vica versa. You dont get panicked or super anxious over them but you know its there, and when you try to go about your day it doesn’t really go away, like you dont really feel like yourself because you know what its felt like to have times of calmness and no intrusive thoughts but when it comes on in a quiet more bothering way it feels in a way MORE scary because your like, “well maybe this isnt ocd” sort of thing. But i dont feel like i NEED to do compulsions but at the same time also i want to (maybe thats because my brain is getting stronger and im able to not let it ruin my day) I struggle with rocd mainly and i know when i fully come out of this way of thinking, im ok and i can feel everything in the way i WANT to. But this can feel in a way MORE convincing than rather if its super loud and in my face. Does anyone else get this? Is this something i need to be worried about?