Freaking out

I read a post from a while ago where someone was scared bc they had friends straddle their lap or sit on them and it always made them aroused. Someone who commented said they dealt with that and SOOCD for 28 years and ended up being a lesbian. It made me immediately remember the time where I was in middle school and my best friend at the time was showing me some kind of martial arts move (more like straddling on the floor), sat on my groin area (like pubic bone), and I felt a tingle down there. I know for a fact I never was attracted to her. She was a great friend but I never once thought of her, my other friends, or other women in a sexual/romantic way. When it was happening I remember being super uncomfortable and stiff bc I’m not really a touchy person with my friends. Minus a couple of guy friends that I had (like my current bf) I would want them to touch me or want them to WANT to touch me if that makes sense. I also remember uncomfortably thinking “this is like a sexual position she’s sitting on my thing rn” and obv my focus was on my groin and that’s when it happened. Bc in my middle school mind that position was reserved for like a bf and gf getting intimate or being touchy. I remember being so uncomfortable and scared bc it did not feel right and the tingling made me FREAK out(also at the time I had no idea I had ocd so idk if it was my ocd doing things). I immediately got up and had to leave to the bathroom bc I felt so confused, scared, and uncomfortable. I ended up forgetting about it and continued being her friend like normal till high school. I forgot about that memory up until a couple months ago. Now when I think about this memory I’m getting the groinal response 😭 (prob just bc I’m thinking ab getting some sort of groinal response). I’ve had friends sit on my lap before and I never felt anything and I never really liked it because Im just not a touchy person with friends and close contact w my girl friends in that way doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Even now I would never let my friends or another girl straddle me or be touchy like that bc I don’t want it, I never think ab it, and it just doesn’t feel right. But bc of that persons comment and memory I’m afraid it’s a “sign” from my body, a secret desire, or me being in denial esp bc prior to SOOCD I did get turned on by a lot of sexual things (porn, sexual pics like nudes or very sexual attire, sexual music videos) and did some sexual experimentation/exploration as a kid (i’ve explained this in other posts), and some memories that may or may not be fake/dreams. Like in my mind if I saw something I would be like “oh this is sexual stuff, this means sex” NOT “omg she’s so 😍😍.” I had some bad anxiety and depression issues in middle school-high school so I wasn’t really having strong crushes so that worries me. But I did have a lot of celebrity boy band crushes like A LOT. But as I got older the worse my mental health were getting because of some personal family issues. I didn’t know how to deal with my mental health so the more I ignored it, it would end up getting worse and evolve. During this time I started to get more unwanted groinal responses and I started to notice and be more uncomfortable with the fact that I felt unwanted groinal responses watching/seeing certain sexual things even though I didn’t feel attracted to it (prior to full blown SOOCD). This also led to me getting more intrusive thoughts. I have been dealing with this theme since I was 15 and It makes me feel like a liar. My libido and attraction to men have disappeared for years, and even when SOOCD isn’t bothering me as much I still can’t get it back. I have had a boyfriend in the past (with SOOCD just never received treatment) which was the early stages of soocd so I was unsure about it first but I ended developing a crush on him and felt cute young love feelings for him but SOOCD, doubt, and the mental compulsions were always there and would numb my feelings and attraction. As our relationship grew and we grew up I was never able to get aroused whenever we were intimate (or in general/by myself I had no sexual drive). I wanted to feel things so bad but I couldn’t. I would feel it sometimes but I was always analyzing my body sensations, emotions, attraction, which made me feel more numb. Before this theme I used to fantasize ab being with a guy or doing *things* with one, and it always felt right, so being intimate with him always made me feel sad and anxious bc I couldn’t feel anything. I reconnected with him a couple years ago and idk what happened but I was extremely aroused by him. All we did was kiss a little and talk but It was the first time in years where I felt genuine arousal. But it only lasted a day and I went back to being numb. Fast forward, I have a new boyfriend who was my friend for a while. I’m pretty sure I liked him since high school but idk bc I’ve been so numb for years. Three months ago when I first felt true, clear, genuine attraction to him I was so happy and excited. But ofc I started to get thoughts about my numbness, no libido, and all that. I even remember when I found him cute and started feeling those crush feelings my mind went into analyzing mode and I couldn’t feel it anymore. I also can’t get aroused with him anymore either 😭. I would be able to (never fully) whenever I was in the moment but my mind would always go back to analyzing. I really hope it’s my bad depression and ocd and nothing more. It’s like there’s a mini me monitoring everything in my brain and I can’t feel things (except all the things I don’t want to feel). All my worries and thoughts triggered this SOOCD flare up and now I feel nothing. I’ve made a post about my feelings for him before so I won’t go too into it this is already too long. I’m just afraid this memory and all the other weird things, past/present groinal responses, and years of no libido/attraction mean something. There’s nothing wrong w being gay but It just doesn’t feel right. If I was I wouldn’t jump for joy I would just end up being single all my life bc I don’t even want to experiment/experience it. All I want is to enjoy my relationship. I really thought SOOCD was going to finally leave me alone 😭. Im not religious but sometimes I find myself trying to negotiate with whatever “higher power” is out there. I just pray that If this isn’t ocd and depression I just want my feelings back for my bf, I want to fully enjoy a relationship with a man at least once and I’ll be satisfied. All this makes me feel like i’m lying to myself but I swear I felt all those things for him 3 months ago, even with OCD and my compulsions messing with my head. I just want this to end already 😭.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 5h

This post is long so no one is gonna read it so i’ll continue. Now that I know I have and have been diagnosed w OCD, I realize I’ve always had moments where I’m aroused by things/people (including family members) that I have absolutely no attraction to. Ever since middle school I randomly got fears and urges to not look at people/body parts bc I don’t want to look or have ppl think I’m a creep, but obviously if you tell yourself not to do/think of something it’s going to be at the forefront of your mind. When SOOCD wasn’t bugging me for a long while (still there but not consuming my day) I started to get fears, thoughts, and groinal responses to family members and a bunch of other small themes. It makes me have some of the most disgusting and distressing taboo dreams but I know it’s just a dream/OCD so I pay them no mind. But since that groinal response happened prior to SOOCD It makes me freak out. I did have a theme about death and dying in middle school for a couple months but OCD wasn’t a huge problem for me. I was just a normal anxious kid and sometimes my mind did weird things here and there. I just know I never liked my friend in that way 😭 but bc that happened I feel like Im in denial. I worry that I’m remembering it wrong and I that I secretly enjoyed it. I know I have to sit with the uncertainty but it just gets so exhausting. All I want it so feel that sense of peace I felt during the hangout where I felt my feelings for my boyfriend. SOOCD was starting to pop up during it but I managed it and had an amazing time with him. I’m just so tired.

🫩

Date posted: 5h

Hey. I just read this and I really relate to you. Sometimes my biggest struggles (and reliefs) come from digging through my past memories. I remember one time my friend straddled my back and gave me a massage. But I imagined she was my boyfriend because I wanted a boyfriend so badly and only felt tingly down there when I imagined she was a boy, not a girl. But I wonder, what if I just did that as an emotional cover up to liking getting massages from her? Another past memory that really distresses me is I remember I had this friend I was in an inner tube with in a lazy river and I just randomly thought “what if we were a couple?” And didn’t really like the idea. But sometimes I use memories to give me reassurance. Like I remember I had this friend (who I have a hunch now might be queer bc of this I’m about to say and she literally follows this other girl around like a puppy dog.) anytime we were watching a show, she would randomly be like “she’s super pretty” like about every girl she saw. I would nod along because I didn’t want to sound mean, but I didn’t think they were all that great to constantly comment about her appearance and focus on it so much. Another memory I use for reassurance is when this friend I had when we were like 9 cuddled up to me and said “I’m a lesbian” and I pulled away and got immediately grossed out and wanted to get away from her. Well that just turned into my own rant lol. I have no advice for you as I am deep in it as you are. I REALLY REALLY am not trying to force religion on you, this is just based on my personal experiences. Skip over this part if you don’t want to hear about Christian things. No biggie if you don’t want to read it it’s just the only advice I can give! :) I’m a Christian, and what has really helped me is knowing there is something greater than your ocd, something that can pull you out of it, which is Jesus Christ. He loves you for who you are, who you’ve been, and who you will become. I remember when I first connected with the Lord, I felt this overwhelming sense of love surround me, and I burst out into tears. He truly is there for you no matter what. He knows every thought that goes through your mind and does not think any less of you because of it because He is perfect. He knows you. He knows exactly what you are going through, and He is the only one who knows the true inner workings of your mind. You are saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ, and you are UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED FOREVER by our Father in heaven. Comfort can be sought in Him. I would LOVE to share the gospel with you if you would like! Ok so I just wanted to respond with my own vent to let you know you’re not alone. It feels so real for me too. I’ve consumed so much lesbian media to test myself it’s become a part of me, like a mutant leg to my brain. Your reference to the “mini me” controlling your brain is so relatable! It feels unbelievably real and sometimes I rationally think for a second then get brought back into the cycle of doubt. You’re not alone! You got this, stay strong!

🫩

Date posted: 5h

Sorry for so many replies on this, but I relate to you when you said you doubt your feelings for your preferred gender. I get a genuine feeling of attraction for my boyfriend and I truly enjoy it but then OCD doubt creeps in saying I’m faking it or it’s not real. 😑

carrotroot12

Date posted: 4h

Thanks for your replies!! I hate that that we have to deal with this but it’s always comforting to see someone relate😭. Digging through my memories used to bring me reassurance bc I was definitely boy crazy when I was younger, but now those memories are all fuzzy and I can only remember the possible proof that I’m in denial. Try your best to refrain from performing that compulsion or you’ll end up having a huge spiral 😭. I pray things get better for you soon. This shit sucks but we got this 🫩!!

carrotroot12

Date posted: 8w

No sexual drive or attraction/ rant

After I started experiencing SOOCD for the past 5 years, I have had absolutely no sexual drive and no (barely anything) attraction to men. I’ve also sort of been emotionally numb for a very long time and I think it’s due to the years of anxiety and horrible depression. Ive been living like a rock, im just floating through life. I have no interests, no hobbies, zero motivation, no goals, and i feel like im going to be stuck like this forever. TMI !!!!!! I think the last time I felt actual genuine arousal/excitement was when I reconnected with my ex a couple years back and that was literally just for a day because SOOCD shut that down quickly. Since my SOOCD started when i was young i never fully felt aroused when I was being intimate. I wanted to do it and I wanted to feel things so badly but I couldn’t/i couldn’t get fully turned on. A month ago I was starting to feel happier, the intrusive thoughts/compulsions were very rare, and I was rarely experiencing the grounds response or or triggered (even though i still had no libido or attraction). I was doing pretty good and I recently got into a new relationship and my boyfriend literally woke up the attraction, I slowly felt myself becoming less numb. Just hanging out with him I started thinking “wow he’s so cute” “i want him to kiss me” “i wish he would hold my hand” “his smile is nice why is he so fine”. I felt something so sweet and It made me so so happy. We had such sweet dates and I was starting to feel like I was getting myself back. I still didn’t have a sexual drive (it was waking up slowlllyyy) and my flare up was starting to get worse so I couldn’t fully enjoy being intimate. My flare up has gotten pretty bad again lately i’m questioning all the things I felt with him and all the attraction and feelings are being clouded by intense anxiety, doubt, and worry. It triggers the SOOCD thoughts so bad and in the shower i was worrying that my anxiety, checking (of arousal, attraction, emotions, etc), other compulsions, and numbness are going to ruin my relationship. It just makes me worry that i’ll never get those feelings back. TMI!!!!! i just want to feel h*ny again man and I want to feel those feelings I felt for my man 😭 Literally 6 years of numbness, depression, anxiety and I finally felt somewhat normal 😭 he was waking things up and my intrusive thoughts messed it all up again. Anyways, I just want to know if anyone has experienced this and if ERP helped at all. I have a therapist now (thank you nocd) and I’m finally going to do ERP, try to fix my depression, and stuff like that. I’m trying to take the advice of someone who commented on one of my posts. They say that i need to continue my life no matter what ocd tells me. It’s getting harder again but I just hope the work im about to put in will allow me to finally enjoy my life.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 6w

This shit never ends

Currently worrying about how prior to OCD, I once thought a masculine cartoon character (that was really a woman) was attractive when I first saw them pop up in the cartoon. It was when I was in middle school i think. The cartoon character was Kuvira and I spent the last 2 hours googling and spiraling and getting reassurance. I remember being uncomfortable when I heard the voice actor speak and got a wave of anxiety but afterwards I never thought anything of it. Especially because people online said they thought she looked like a man or was a man at first. I was still an extremely boy crazy young girl. After that I never really thought about it ever again until this morning when I was ruminating. It’s funny because when I wasn’t spiraling, in a better place, just numb and had loss of attraction, my mind and body fell for my boyfriend. I can just remember the tension between me and him in the car and how I just wanted him to kiss me so bad. I wanted to touch his hair, look at his smile, hug him, hold his hand, you get the gist. I rmbr looking at him and thinking he was so fine and my ocd popped up again n i thought “but your numb….do you actually think that check again.” I’m tired of this. One minute I feel better and ready to take on OCD and enjoy my relationship and the next I feel like I don’t know myself at all, like a liar, a fraud, and like i’ll never be happy again. Prior to the spiral i forgot all about the “evidence” (childhood exploration (being aroused to sexual things)/mistaking that one cartoon character or masc lesbian as men/that one uncomfortable memory/ porn/ i was exposed to sexual content early sadly). It felt irrelevant to me bc once I stopped obsessing about it, nothing changed, I didn’t change, my wants didn’t change, my desires didn’t change, I didn’t end up falling for a woman like my ocd said i would. I literally mourned bc I thought that my numbness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I cried watching couple videos because I thought i’ll never be able experience it. Only thing that worried me before/in the beginning of my spiral was the groinal response at times, and mostly the non existent libido/attraction/emotional/mental numbness spell for years bc of severe ocd, depression, and anxiety. I literally felt/feel like a rock or a leaf on the ground. But even when I was just dealing with the numbness I FELL FOR MY MAN. No thoughts, no checking, no hyper awareness, just me and him in the moment and those feelings, attraction, and emotions came to me. The day i realized I had a crush on him I felt normal again 😭. It felt normal and real and I loved it. I was so excited I had so many big wins and yesterday (bc i’m spiraling) I had small ones here and there BUT I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS. I had moments where he kissed me and it felt so nice bc i wasn’t checking, ruminating, hyper aware, i was in the moment with my man. He hugged me and the anxiety fell off my shoulders, i felt safe, i felt love, I felt the mushy feelings i felt for him prior to the spiral. But ofc i end up questioning EVERYTHING i feel. I felt a sliver of freedom from this fucking disorder and as soon as I’m happier it comes back. OCD makes me think that those things (childhood exploration and the rest^) is the only thing that ever happened in my life but it literally wasn’t 😭 I was THEE most boy crazy girl. I wanted to experience love and all the other things (ykwim) with a man. I used to daydream and dream about it. OCD makes me feel like i’ll never have any of that. I literally told my therapist if all the past stuff meant something ab me or that im bi ok cool bc that means i don’t HAVE to be with women and I can still be with a man. I was so excited to be with my man and now it gives me anxiety im scared to even text him now. I’m feeling exhausted and numb again FUCK ocd.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 6w

Another memory here to haunt me/someone respond!!!

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

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Freaking out

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