I think it’s starting to click

I think i’m finally understanding what people mean when they say you need to “accept” what OCD throws at you. If i’m wrong please correct me. Obviously you’re not ACCEPTING the thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc, but you are just acknowledging that they are there, not engaging in compulsions, and living with uncertainty and the uncomfortable feelings. Today I noticed I wasn’t feeling the things I wanted/expected with my boyfriend at times, I was in my emotion/arousal/attraction/anxiety monitoring mode, and I was just performing mental compulsions (without really knowing they were compulsions). I’m constantly monitoring myself and checking if im monitoring and then it just creates a trap. I always feel so hyper aware of what I’m feeling that I can’t really feel. I kept wondering why I wasn’t feeling a certain way and It made me feel numb again because I was just constantly going back in to check on what I was feeling, but it was also making me feel less because I was trying so hard to watch myself. I was triggered from kissing my boyfriend goodbye and not feeling things I used to (sometimes) feel or expected to feel (started dating during a flare up so feelings are all over the place). I immediately went to search for reassurance and let the thoughts take control. I just have to remember I need to accept and acknowledge what I feel. If I feel anxious, feel a groinal response, have a thought, feel an urge, don’t feel the “right” way, whateverrr it is, i need to acknowledge it, accept that it’s there, and continue living by my values even when im uncertain. I always feel so hyper aware of what I’m feeling that I can’t really feel and i know it’s because i’ve spent 6 years of my life performing compulsions and going untreated. Instead of trying to turn off the “watchdog” in my brain i need see it’s there and continue living. I just need to be, continue with what i’m doing (like kissing my boyfriend), even if i’m not feeling the “right” way or the way I want. I just need to allow myself to be. The way i feel/don’t feel may or may not mean something. This flare up has changed the way i feel about him, my attraction, and other things, but i will continue to live by my values. What i want is to be with my boyfriend (and with men in general) even if ocd is telling me otherwise. Before the flare up I was at a point where my mind was clear but my compulsions still made me feel like i’d never be with a man or find a man attractive again. When i wasn’t watching my feelings, checking for attraction, analyzing, just BEING there, I ended up with an undeniable crush on my man. I wasnt even looking for a relationship, I didn’t even think it was possible for me anymore. I just remember feeling such strong romantic tension, i found him attractive, i felt all the crush feelings i haven't felt in years, and i just wanted him to kiss me so badly. That happened when i was just THERE my mind was THERE but when i realized it my brain went back to numbness and monitoring. Instead of fighting it I just needed to accept it (obv not perform compulsions) and continue living. Whatever proof (and trust there’s a lot) OCD throws at me I just need to accept, acknowledge, and move on even if it makes me feel so uncertain. Idk where i’m going with this now but I hope i’m on the right track.