Will anybody listen to my rambling?

I wish I could put a better title on there, but I'm gonna be talking about so many different things that I wouldn't be able to make a title for it. I'm 20 years old. Supposed to be incredibly young but I don't feel young at all. All these years of stress and anxiety make me feel like I'm 30 already. I've basically been hiding from the world for the last 3 years. It started as just a general fear of adult life, to now not even trusting myself enough to leave my own home in fears I'll do something wrong. I suffer from so many OCD themes. (assuming I HAVE OCD, I'm not actually diagnosed.) Including the ones that tag this post, as well as others. It doesn't feel like there's anything that won't trigger me anymore. I want to own up to it now, I've done some awful stuff in my life. Was it when I was much younger and ignorant to how awful my actions really were? Sure. But I personally believe I was old enough to where I should have known better. These things have haunted me through many of my themes. Real Event won't let me forget, False Memories make it more difficult to discern what exactly happened, POCD from a handful of things I did/almost did that I really don't want to talk about. I've compulsively talked about my early years online, including some of the things that trigger my POCD, and while I've had a ton of people tell me I'm not worth anything and don't deserve happiness, I've had double as many people tell me that I do deserve to heal and move on. But that's not all that I worry and obsess over. Because of course it couldn't just end there. I specifically ruminate a lot about how I've treated my friend over the last couple years. She's become one of the bestest friends I've ever had, and I'm constantly ruminating about behaviors that are toxic/creepy. I've been posting confessions about this online as well, and almost everybody had the same opinion of "You're a bit of a weirdo, sure, but you're also creating a problem that isn't there.". It's like, while I see myself as just pure evil and have only ever done wrong, other people just... Don't think so? For some reason? I don't really talk about my POCD online anymore, other than here. The few things I talked about were usually with minimal details. People online really don't get it and will usually just tell me to kill myself. I struggle with false memories with POCD, usually twisting memories that do exist into something worse, as well as Real Events that I don't know my intentions for. Of course I also struggle with the regular intrusive thoughts, false attraction, pretty much everything possible. Combine everything together, and it's like... I don't know who I am. My whole life feels like a lie, if that makes sense. I feel like I'm standing on the line between an irredeemable monster, and someone who is just overreacting about everything. The only thing I know are my values at this current moment. I don't want to hurt people, that's half the reason why I'm still isolating myself. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong that I simply opt out of life altogether. But the thing that tears me up is that just because that's who I am right now doesn't mean it's always been that way. I could've wanted to cause harm, I could've wanted to take advantage. I just want a moment of peace, honestly. Regardless of whether or not I deserve better for myself, I stopped WANTING better for myself a while ago. I just want to be calm. I'm sorry this was so long, if you actually read this, I really appreciate it.