POCD is destroying me. I dunno what to do.

I simply cannot stop ruminating and hating myself viscerally. POCD mixed with Real Events and False Memories is just so fucking horrific. Trying to figure out if memories from when I was younger are actually how I remember them, trying to figure out which feelings are real and which are not, trying to figure out my intentions at a particular time, trying to figure out if I knew something was bad at a particular point in time or not. Literally the only thing I know at the moment are my values, I don't want to harm children. And even then my brain keeps trying to convince me that I'm lying when I'm saying that. But just because I don't want to right this second doesn't mean there wasn't a past version of myself that didn't. I've often had this feeling of looking at a stranger when looking at my past, what if I really did do some awful things to kids and I'm only just now on the morally correct side of the line? That thought scares me so much.

JohanSanderson

Date posted: Yesterday

I think a simple first step would be to change your handle on this app. Do you know how to do that?

YouWillSurvive

Date posted: Yesterday

LiteralPileOfWorthyHumanBeingThatDeservesLove

JohanSanderson

Date posted: Yesterday

@YouWillSurvive I like that one a lot.

LiteralHuman?

Date posted: Yesterday

My username? Yeah, I know how to change it. I honestly often forget that it's even set to that. Was the only thing I could think of at the time I made it.

LiteralHuman?

Date posted: Yesterday

@YouWillSurvive Wish I could agree with this.

JohanSanderson

Date posted: Yesterday

@LiteralPileOfGarbage What’s some other options you could use?

JohanSanderson

Date posted: Yesterday

@LiteralPileOfGarbage How about LiteralHuman?

LiteralHuman?

Date posted: Yesterday

@JohanSanderson Tell ya what I'll meet ya in the middle and keep the question mark there cuz I'm incapable of giving myself that much credit

JohanSanderson

Date posted: Yesterday

@LiteralHuman? Hey, we get there one step at a time. I know that lift was heavier than it looked, I’m proud of you for doing it.

GoblinBarista

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey, remind yourself that this stuff is in the past because no matter how hard you try to reflect you will never feel 100% certain which is what keeps you in this loop and creates more false memories, we all want to be completely certain but that just won’t happen. OCD is often referred to as a doubting disorder, it basically runs off this uncertainty especially when you reflect back on things. You are aware you have false memories mixed in, so what if you’re spending all this time trying to work out and mentally punish yourself over a memory that isn’t real in the first place? As much as it sucks you have to sit with the fact that you just don’t know. But what you can do is control your current actions right now, you have your own current morals right now, you don’t want to harm anyone so you won’t and whatever you think happened in the past is not something that will be repeated, this past version of yourself no longer exists. If you haven’t already therapy sounds like a good step into self-healing and understanding, make sure you’re taking care of yourself during these difficult times and I wish you the best!

EliPison

Date posted: 21h

When I first started, I had similar feelings. The best thing I could recommend is to try to have compassion for yourself, and recognize (as hard as it sounds) that not everything is something that needs to be figured out or solved. ERP is great for this

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