narrative building?

Does anyone else specifically with ROCD build this narrative as to why you cannot be with your bf due to a ton of factors starting from the beginning of the relationship? and now they're personal, like i now am convinced need to heal from all my past patterns before i can be in a relationship. and like honestly that could be true and that terrifies me, because why now?? why do i have to discover that when im with such an awesome guy. my ocd about this relationship genuinely never goes away. like it's 24/7. i find myself wondering if im stupid at this point for pursuing it when i'm in my head constantly, with him or not. i've completely lost myself and i can't make a decision about a job either. the pain this is causing me is unbelievable and it all feels like my fault because if i would just break up with him all of this would be over. it's like i have to do this a specific way (break up, be alone for a long time, find myself) or else i think ill have eternal doubt about who i am with.

Annie:)

Date posted: Yesterday

I’m feeling this way too. It’s a constant struggle. But the thing my therapist always tells me is that I don’t have to solve all of my problems right now. I don’t have to be perfect right now (or ever. But that’s not helpful to me personally) I just have to show up to what’s happening right now. If we’re in an argument and I have this fear that we’re going to argue forever, which I often do, I just have to forget about the future and think about the argument in front of me right now. Is it worth breaking up over? No? Great then show up again. And I’ll do the same thing in an hour, or a day, or a year, or however long we are together for. I’m not perfect, he’s not perfect, but we are showing up for each other right now and that’s what matters. It’s REALLY hard to get it into my head and I’m struggling really hard with it. But it’s the truth. You don’t have to be perfect in your relationship, or in life. You don’t have to be perfect”fixed” because you never will be. You just have to deal with right now

lostmyswag

Date posted: Yesterday

@Annie:) Thank you do your encouragement! And thoughtfulness. How often are you debating a break up? I just want to get a feel for if what I am experiencing is like... normal 😭 like is it just when yall fight?

lostmyswag

Date posted: Yesterday

@Annie:) I also can't tell if i am searching for fights or reasons to be upset so that i have a reason to break up with him?? it's horrible.

Annie:)

Date posted: Yesterday

Sometimes, it’s everyday. Multiple times a day. It definitely depends on factors in my own life and my own OCD journey which is how I first realized it was entirely dependent on me and my thoughts vs how I felt about him. I have a large fear of drunkenness, just based on the alcohols ability to produce more uncertainty than normal. My boyfriend is a young adult who lives and grew up in Ireland, a country whose culture largely surrounds drinking. He drinks not that much compared to his friends but a lot compared to me. I want to break up with him everytime he drinks. Not because it’s wrong but because it makes me uncomfortable. But I don’t, not because I don’t want my life to be easy, but because I truly do want to be better and live a normal(ish) happy life with the man that I love. Will him drinking one day cause us to break up? Maybe. Will he do something that would hurt me while he’s drinking one day maybe? Almost absolutely. Does that scare the shit out of me? Yes 100%. But I show up while he’s drunk anyway because I love him and I know the only way to get through that uncomfort is to show up anyway. And I can sit here and speak about this like I’m the smartest most healed person in the world but I have that example handy because I had a breakdown about it this morning since St Patrick’s day is coming up and he’s excited to go get hammered with his friends. I sobbed. But I’ll show up on st Patrick’s day and I’ll show up the next day when I find a new reason to think my life would be better if I were alone

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