Can't stop ruminating...

Sorry if this is long. I really need advice. I can't stop ruminating over someone my sister and I cut out of our lives several months ago. I don't think she was a bad person, but... I don't know. I'm so conflicted over everything. I can't stop thinking about whether I was right to end it, whether I ended it correctly or not, whether I'm a bad person because of it, etc, etc... I didn't want to be friends. I didn't want to keep in contact. I suck with boundaries, which is one of the reasons we were probably even friends for so long. That sounds horrible to say, but I think it's true... It got to a point where my sister didn't even enjoy talking to this person. They were always passive-aggressive towards us, but if we called them out on it, they'd deny it and say we were just reading it wrong. Or they'd just avoid having a conversation about it, insult us, and call us dramatic if we expressed hurt over their comments. I decided one night after talking with my mom about everything that I didn't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. I have so many bad memories connected to them. I didn't appreciate them mistreating my sister, either. The next day, I wrote out a message. I didn't go into a bunch of details or list every single reason why. I kept it brief, initially. She was hurt, which I expected. I felt so much guilt. But then she wrote five pages in reply, gaslighting and insulting us. She misconstrued everything we said, and I tried to re-explain, but it just led to worsening the situation. After it was over, I felt so much relief. My sister and I cried a lot, though. I feel like it was okay for us not to want to talk to this person anymore, but months later, I still feel so guilty. It's gotten to a point where I get thoughts like, "What if I'm manipulative somehow?" Because there were so many points throughout us knowing each other where I just didn't want to. I know I cared about this person, but I can't think of them now without feeling guilt and nauseating anxiety. I'm trying to remind myself that while not every single moment was bad, my decision to cut them out of my life was still valid. But I get a lot of thoughts telling me I made the wrong decision, or I should've ended it differently, that I should have talked it out somehow, etc, etc... I'm so tired of these thoughts. I just want to be happy :( Everyone in my life has told my sister and I that it was the correct decision, so why can't I just move past it? I'm scared I'll never stop feeling guilty about this.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 2d

I hope things get easier for you, please remember things aren’t black and white. It’s not uncommon for others to cut people off whether suddenly or gradually whether for a good reason, meh reason or no reason. It’s okay to feel guilty. I think that’s actually pretty normal in this case, and your OCD is likely amplifying it. It doesn’t mean you’re actually guilty of anything. Give it time. Are you sensitive to rejection or a “people pleaser”? I am, and I think that if you are, then that’s just extra amplifying this. You’re okay, don’t try to figure anything out. If you catch yourself doing it, do your best to pull yourself out of it. Honestly, I have trouble with things like this too. In the moment, it’s clear and easy to understand and your OCD barely questions you. After a few months, it’s hard to remember the clarity, the intensity, your intentions, the why of it all and your OCD just charges at you in that moment. You’re not alone in that. It’s so frustrating. I’m constantly worried about remembering something, it’s hard to explain but I think it’s just part of this annoying disorder. It will pass, it might come back, but it will pass again, just give it time, it will lighten up

nae nae

Date posted: 2d

I am definitely both sensitive to rejection and a "people pleaser." It's something I have been trying to work on, but it isn't easy to unlearn. I'll try my best not to figure anything out. I had been getting better at sitting with it, but my OCD has been out of control since the holidays began, and I just got overwhelmed by it all tonight :( Thank you so, so, so much. That's exactly how it's been. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this too, it's such a pest. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. It's so easy to get stuck in my head about these things. I'm feeling a little more at ease than before. I'll hang in there. I haven't seen you in a hot minute. I've missed your presence on here, but I hope that means you're managing okay. Thank you again for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it 🥹🩷

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