Fear and Anxiety..

Well… This is a tough one to address. Not because it’s that unique of an issue (it’s not), just because I might step over some lines, which is inevitable when talking about religion. Seeing as how you asked, I’m going to assume permission to gloss over touchy subjects. Anybody else reading, this may offend you but it’s intended for the OP, and truly no offense is intended. Anyway, it seems that Christianity isn’t doing much for you. And that’s not uncommon (as I said - not a unique issue). What’s more is that there’s nothing wrong with that and don’t let people tell you different. You have no good reason to follow Christianity outside of being born in a country with it as the dominant religion. It doesn’t sound like free will bothers you, it’s making the wrong choice. If I were to tell you that all of time is predetermined and every decision you will make, you’ve essentially already made. Couple that with being a slave to your nature, and you can argue whether or not free will exists at all! I’m only glossing over deep philosophical subjects, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I’m merely planting seeds. Like this one: What if Jesus was even more beyond what was written by mortal hands. There’s an apocryphal gnostic biblical text centered around Judas wherein he’s depicted as a noble figure consigned to the fate necessary for Jesus’ ascension. A slave of and arguably a victim of divine fate, killing himself not long afterward. Jesus told him that there’s a God even more so removed from human comprehension, and the God of the bible is a false one. The only way to reach the true God is through Gnosis (hence the term Gnosticism), searching within oneself and seeking knowledge both from within and without. This is not meant as conversion (obviously, Gnosticism died out), but it is meant to suggest that you are under no obligation to follow outside forces if they scream against a truth you feel. And if they terrify you, truly analyze why. You were born with a sliver of the truth, experiencing reality like the rest of us. You don’t have to ignore it and you don’t have to be afraid of being divinely punished for it. This is of course a slippery slope, and this is very deep territory. If you have any questions let me know. For now, I’ve rambled long enough.

And you find solace in Christianity because Jesus supplies you with that love, yet you fear being sent to hell anyway?

You are. This is OCD. You’re clinging to things from an emotional place, namely fear and dressing it up retroactively to keep it in your head to feed this vicious cycle. I’m not diagnosing you, but seeing as how you’re here, you’ve probably been diagnosed and this is 100% a symptom. You 100% are allowed to follow Christianity and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I misunderstood the plight of your post somewhat. I can work within the confines of Christianity. I was raised Roman Catholic, so I know the playing field well. I suppose I am slightly confused as to what your fear is though. You’re choosing faith as per the wishes of Jesus and in accordance with established doctrine. You say you fear choosing hell, but you’re not. You’re choosing the exact opposite. If you’re afraid of making a decision in bad faith, meaning that you think it’s a Christian act, but isn’t, then you’re not alone. The one good thing about inherited sin is that you’re not alone in having it, and it can reassure you that living perfectly in sync with Christianity was never really on the table. For anybody. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. You will. Everyone does. Heaven would be completely empty if that was the disqualifier.

Hi Megan! Christine here. I am a Christian and also live with severe ocd. I would love to be of support in any way I can. I would love to hear more about what you are going through. I used to have horrible religious ocd and fears about disappointing God. I can understand how that concept that we choose going to Heaven or hell can produce anxiety. I find a lot of peace in the idea that God is love and that Jesus desires relationship with all of us. I wonder if it could be helpful to tell Jesus exactly how you feel? Sometimes I find relief in literally laying all my doubts and anxieties out before him.

Also OCD is the doubt disorder so something you can even doubt if you have OCD.

Sorry meant to say OCD is the doubt disorder so you can even doubt that you have OCD even if you have all the signs. I have all the signs and symptoms for OCD and still have doubts that do I really have OCD or is this really a situation where I am supposed to ignore the thoughts because they feel so real and urgent. I had a counseling session with a therapist once and we went over exactly what I was supposed to do and how to react in a situation and then I got in that same situation and doubted wether I was really supposed to do what the therapist said. Because OCD always has one more doubt and one more what if, that’s why you can’t reason or logic your way out of OCD.

Something that God spoke to me concerning OCD is to not answer when OCD is calling. So first you kinda have to figure out what are the doubts and what ifs that I am thinking and then not answer or react to the doubts and what ifs. I get lots of spam calls on my cell phone that I don’t answer and I ignore them. I don’t answer them. God told me you have to do the same thing with the OCD intrusive thoughts. So for example if the doubt or intrusive thought is “what if I don’t want to follow Jesus” then you could use a non engagement statement to not answer the OCD intrusive thoughts for example “I see that thought but I am not going to try to figure that out right now” and then you could do the next thing you need to do. For example if you need to take a shower or eat lunch whatever the next thing you need to do, keep going and doing what you need to do. Your brain might keep screaming at you “but what if you really don’t want to follow Jesus” where you could use another non engagement statement like “I am not going to answer that right now, I have things to do.” Eventually you will be able to let it go and it might not fully go away but if should get quieter if you keep not engaging with it. As for following Jesus I would just keep doing what you do like quiet time and going to church and say Lord I trust you to work in me and my life, I trust that He who began a good work in me will complete it. It’s too heavy for you to carry, give it to God, He can handle it. ❤️