ROCD, Pure O are torture

Hello, I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 25 years old. I attributed my overthinking to autism but I realised a few months ago that Pure O OCD is the most meaningful explanation for it. I am also an asexual, so I am, simply put, a shitshow of symptoms. I constantly review the past - particularly painful memories. I have a consistent fear of getting cancelled. When I was 18, some YouTubers I followed got accused of sexual misconduct and cancelled. I was obsessed and concerned for them. Others found my obsession strange. I did not like how their lives were ruined over accusation and no trial. (I was naive then to why public accusations are happening, as it is because the legal system often fails to address predatory men.) Even 6 years later, I googled one of them 240 times between January 2020 and April 2020. It was plain obsessive. When I burned bridges, I continued to search the people involved in my past dramas. Often multiple times in the same day with nothing new to see. They would likely be scared if they knew how obsessed I was with them. I have started doing ERP exercises. I wrote a script where I receive public false allegations and my life is ruined. It is forever googleable and I am a complete pariah. Completely unemployable, unliveable, even my family abandons me. I listen to it for 15 minutes on loop per day. What else would you recommend to tackle the ruminating? I wish I had this information at 18. I should have been solving these issues then and enjoying my life, not figuring it all out so much later in life.

Hey I'm new here... Married for two years, not formally diagnosed with OCD but over 25 years, I've dealt with obsessing over my sexuality, then it has shifted to obsessing over my relationships. In my first marriage, I would notice other attractive men and at one point I started to obsess over one man at my church. Eventually it went away but I divorced for other reasons. Fast forward 15 years. I meet my now-husband, but we break up twice while dating. I was terrified. I have learned I do struggle with fearful/avoidant attachment, but I made it through to get married!! But now, the obsessing over other men is happening again. I work with a lot of men. If I notice one who may be handsome, all of a sudden I feel weird sensations in my body, my mind races, and I fear I want to cheat, or wonder if I'd be happier. It has happened with a guy at my church, several coworkers, my husband's best friend...so I know there's a pattern. But as of late, it has gotten worse with one coworker. I have to see him every day. The thoughts are loud. They feel real, like they're how I feel (I like him, he has nice eyes, I love you). I am a Christian, and when I pray about it, it's almost like something inside me says, 'don't fix this, this isn't OCD, I want this guy' blah blah blah. I feel awful, like a whore, like a cheater, like a double-minded person. And I feel so far away from my husband. I've dealt with feeling the need to confess everything early in our relationship. I've gotten better at not doing that, but I feel like I carry this private pain that no one understands. It really hurts. I guess I just needed to vent and let this out. Sometimes it feels so lonely. I feel crazy. I'm in my 50s, I have a full time job, I take care of my home, yet I feel paralyzed by this sometimes. Thanks for reading.

I am at the point where I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore and have a really hard time explaining my thoughts and feelings. The thought that no one may ever be able to help me or understand me is blazing constant in my head. I don’t know if I will truly ever be happy, the dissatisfaction I have in my life is beyond words and I try to be happy but my mind is so toxic and ungrateful. I feel that I may never understand myself. Have been dealing with extreme intrusive thoughts in regards to my relationship, if my partner is for me, if I am the reason problems come up in my relationship, if I am overly sensitive causing arguments etc. I will have constant thoughts about other people in my head although I have a partner. A hyperactive imagination of others if you will or specific individuals in my life. I have a severely low sex drive. I have also noticed recently that my partner will say things that I don’t like but can’t tell if he’s the problem or if i’m the problem. If I like my partner anymore or if I don’t, can I see him in my future or not. When I am with him I enjoy being with him but there is always a thought in the back of my head of do I just like being around him as a friend because I am lonely or if I truly love them. It’s to the point where I question leaving them or not. My only issue is that I don’t want to leave but at the same time I have trouble feeling emotionally and sexually connected. I even pick at physical imperfections that they may have which to my true beliefs does not matter I will love them otherwise. We recently have been arguing a lot and I can’t tell if I am the problem or he is but it causes me a lot of stress because I feel misunderstood and feel like he wouldn’t understand me unless he was me. It can be hard explaining OCD to him because he is one of those people who loves to self help almost like a life coach, explains to me that anxiety doesn’t exist and that I can help myself or stuff along those lines. It hurts so bad because he doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone with OCD and how him saying things like that only makes it worse and makes me want to turn away from him in a way. I want to feel like I can talk to my partner and that I know for a fact is my true belief. I pray that God will heal me of this terrible disease. I feel I have turned away from the Lord so much because of how alone and misunderstood I feel with what feels like no change. When I’m in public I’ll look at a guy and feel as though because they looked at me back they will think I like them or that I may be interested even though i’m not. I obsess in my head sometimes about real people I know that are kit my partner and have just learned to accept that but it’s still disheartening to me. I understand the concept of being with a partner and still finding other people attractive without obviously doing anything about it and I try to remind myself of that. Please someone tell me this is OCD because the thought of it not is sickening. Another thing I do is compare myself to other girls my age almost that if i’m not as pretty as them im not pretty at all. To whom ever reads this please be very mindful of how you respond because I am triggered very easily. But I am so so lost.