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I have every single symptom you described. Everything you’re going through is so typical of HOCD and I highly recommend you try out therapy if you have the means. You don’t have to suffer alone when there are trained people who can help! OCD makes you look at things through a very skewed lense so that any little thing feels like proof. It will convince you of your feared scenario but that is different than something being true.

I don’t struggle with hocd, but I am a lesbian. Analyzing the past won’t give you any clarity about your future. And if you want a marriage and a family, that can still happen in a lesbian relationship. It will be different from the life you have envisioned, but scary things can also lead to joy and fulfillment. But for us with ocd, certainty (about anything) is impossible. We have to learn to be okay with that. Labels aren’t laws, they don’t mean you have to look or act a certain way. They just exist to foster community and self expression. And you can change them whenever, as often as needed (although that’s much easier said than done). Peace won’t come from a word, but it can come from acceptance. Even if that means accepting your uncertainty. Relationships, gay or straight, take work and communication. Neither type is inherently better than the other. Try to be compassionate with yourself; it took me years to feel confident and comfortable as a lesbian.

You can’t have hocd aka afraid of being homosexual while also being homosexual. Like let’s look at this logically: attraction is something that brings joy, comfort and genuine desire. Why would someone feel fear over something they genuinely want. That’s like eating your favourite food while being afraid of liking it. Like you see where I’m going with this