I was doing well, why now? Help please

thank you! I'm glad someone else understands! It's really difficult, it's like a complete moralistic battle. In general, I indulged in many fictional taboo things with one of my friends, and after peacefully cutting them off and leaving the internet a bit it's been difficult. It feels like I caused harm to them (despite them already being in those communities) and it feels like I'm trying to hide what I did. They'd always talk a lot about SA in shipping dynamics which I ended up falling into and taking an interest in too, the guilt sucks because I'm scared all of my friends will find out and hate me, or my presence on the internet will be ruined because someone 'calls me out' and I'll be known as a gross person despite me working to change. All in all, its so shitty, the internet makes things so hard. I feel like I have to confess things.

@losingitalways i totally understand feeling like youre trying to hide this big secret, and being scared people will find out. as much as ive gotten better the truth is i still worry about getting "exposed" quite a lot. one thing thats helped me is reading scientific studies on common sexual fantasies and learning about the psychology of it all. taboo sexual fantasies are actually very common, even amongst those without ocd!! my empathy for others has been helpful to me as well, ill always be willing to consider someone elses side/perspective. of course, the hardest part is extending this empathy to yourself.. 😓 ive found that the truest and kindest friends in my life are open and understanding about these kind of things. finally, this point might be a bit unhelpful/difficult to internalize, but i hold the strong belief that things like that arent really others business in the first place. these are all my opinions/experiences and i dont mean to sway you a certain way, you certainly dont have to agree with me (thats the whole point!! we all have our own morals!!!) i can definitely see how having another person in the equation makes things a lot more difficult and confusing, i feel for you. theres a support group for taboo themes like, tonight actually that i might attend, maybe that could be helpful for you too!

@Anonymous This all makes a lot more sense. I really shouldn't worry since its my personal life, someone else digging into it is unlikely. It's something that isnt really the business of others I guess lol. Support groups sound like a good therapy method! Maybe it's something I'll try out.

@losingitalways exactly!! like, think about the last time YOUVE dug into someone that deeply... probably like never! group therapy has honestly helped me the most out of all treatments ive done, its totally worth a shot :)

@Anonymous Exactly. The most ill do is get curious about old friends or old acquaintances and look at the social medias I already have from them. If they turn out to be into things I don't like, then that's their business. 😂 yeah I may gossip, but that's it. I couldn't imagine caring that much, so I shouldn't imagine others caring that much either. Ill definitely try to give group therapy a chance! I'm still working on getting a therapist in general, but I'll put it on my list!