my hellish ocd experience.

TW!!!: suicidal & s/h ocd, harm ocd, possible nihilism hello, i am aya! ever since i became a teenager life has felt too fast and boring for me, especially after the pandemic. also because my parents go to work it's usually just me in the house, and my parents never allow to let me travel on my own, especially my father, who might have some kind of paranoia. because of this isolation, the silence can be defeaning, leading random thoughts to suddenly manifest and arise when your brain has nothing else to do anymore, and when that happens you're never turning back. they will keep coming back and haunt you like a monster. (p.s:, i've always had these kind of anxious thoughts, like regarding health, back when i was wayyy younger. even feeling your heart beat a little wrong can feel deadly. but sadly i'd SO prefer worrying over my health over this torturous subtype.) i've been having intrusive thoughts of killing or harming myself, especially when i am alone. when i go to the kitchen i would notice the kitchen knife and then there goes the thoughts of using the knife to stab it into my throat and expecting my parents to go crazy after seeing my corpse when they get home. (the visuals suck) or notice the medkit; 'eat all the pills and overdose like bear did in obsession'. (i forgot to mention that media can also influence me, and i hate it because it keeps disturbing my passion for watching films... also sorry for the spoilers lmao) even worse, it comes with the morbid curiosity of wanting to experience and see what happens after death or the idea that 'if i do it, you will be in peace' or 'nothing you do matters anyway', and it actually makes me sick and traps me in a loop of wondering if these thoughts really are true or not. (it's also ironic how it clashes with my health intrusive thoughts, where i am so scared of dying lol) sometimes, i also get thoughts of hurting others. especially when we got a new dog before and i hated it when i had thoughts to crush him. i tried a method called imaginal exposure where you write stories about your worst fears coming true, but sadly i dropped this because i didn't want to associate my love for writing with mental habits. i want to write as a fun habit only, not to mention i wouldn't have the consistency and motivation to write and reread a script every day. i've went to a psychiatrist before. just a month ago, but i did not get a diagnosis and said i was fine. although i was offered meds i declined it because of expenses and the judgement of my mother. my friend who has clear, diagnosed ocd suspects i have it and called the therapist 'incompetent'. i don't know if something really is wrong with me. maybe there is. but right now, i don't feel well, and i want to feel better. i've tried other methods but none seem to really work so i just drop them down. as of now i am trying the personification method, where you make your intrusive thoughts as some kind of character. i decided to name it 'the creature': a menacing, cackling entity who likes to mess with your mind. i would not engage with it. not agree or disagree, but rather just roll my eyes (or i don't need to actually roll my eyes lol, just label the thoughts as the creature baiting me) and return to what i was doing. i'll also practice uncertainty because the creature cannot predict what will happen anyway. however i am also scared that this method might end up becoming a rumination, but i'll give an update eventually if this works. it's great to balance uncertainty with optimism. i don't have to immediately think 'everything will be fine!', but rather 'there's a chance, and i will still grab the opportunity no matter what'. it's absolutely okay to be scared. what matters is that you try. in the wise words of neil gaiman: 'being brave is not having fears, but facing them.' i don't know if i'll end up hurting myself or others, but as of now i don't want to, and that gives me a spark of hope, grounding in the present, and a little motivation to keep doing the things i love, and when the creature comes again, i'll let him enter my brain, but never my heart. (hopefully this isn't a rumination) thank you for reading! remember, it's just a stupid entity seeking your reactions. be strong.