Relationship OCD; I never knew I had it

Hi guys, I am a 24F in a relationship for a little over a year with my 25M boyfriend. We never fought and never had any issues until I started an accelerated nursing school program where our relationship was going to take a turn. We acknowledged that and agreed we think our relationship and WE are worth working through it. Well, things got rocky, the insecurities he has personally has gotten the best of him these past few months. Yesterday was the worst day of our relationship yet. I love him so deeply but he got very insecure and he worded things like we were over. I told everyone in my immediate life we had broken up, and began working towards accepting it. I couldn’t help but cry and cry and cry because the thought of him not being my person anymore made me sick. I was devastated that i’d never be able to hug and hold him again. Shortly after, we began arguing back and forth and i kept using past tense verbiage (because i thought we were done) and he got in the car and came to me. He explained he wasn’t breaking up with me and he didn’t mean for that to be how it came across. I set very clear and firm boundaries about moving forward and we spent hours working through things. Today, I am nauseated because I worry that my emotional shellshock is indicative that I don’t like or love him anymore. All the evidence points otherwise but I am like “i feel flat so i must not love him” “what if i am making the wrong choice” “what if this is wrong and i shouldn’t stay” “what if i will never be able to feel normal with him again” “what if this fight is evidence we shouldn’t be together” “what if he is not my person because everyone who finds their person says it’s rainbows and butterflies” the thoughts won’t stop. i’m hurting deeply over the fact that i can’t quiet the noise. when we were parting ways last night, i could’ve stayed in his arms for hours. all i wanted to do was be with him. we aren’t together today and im scared that i don’t feel positive emotions enough. has anyone ever had experience with this? if so, how do you cope? I journal sometimes which helps but i’m so upset. I thought from day 1 in my heart and soul he was the man i was gonna marry and i still want that.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I so get this. I am 56 and I really only recently realized that those feelings that I get and the thoughts, I have to break up with them because I don't feel excited about seeing them. or the opposite - that feeling that things are so right and we'll be together forever - then I start thinking that my feelings mean something one way or the other about the relationship. That is a rollercoaster from h e l l. I am glad to hear that you have said some boundaries with him.

ellafitzy

Date posted: 17h

@Anonymous its a total rollercoaster! feels like my mind and heart/body are so disconnected. i am trying to reframe maybe and look at it from a lens of like im CHOOSING it for a reason so let it just be my choice for now

Leeroy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

All relationships are full of uncertainty and OCD doesn’t like uncertainty. The best thing I have found that helps me in my relationship with my wife, together 9 years, married 5, is to stop looking for certainty that we will be together forever, that I love her and she loves me, I try to accept there is no way of ever knowing, to be ok with uncertainty and not get too involved with what my head says, because OCD lives in my head and it lies to me, it wants answers to question that have no answers and even if the answers do come they don’t satisfy OCD for long. When I feel myself ruminating in my relationship I know it is my OCD brain and therefore it’s not to be trusted and I proactive being comfortable with uncertainty.

ellafitzy

Date posted: 20h

@Leeroy today i’m feeling okay with being like “yeah idk, right now we’re good so that’s that.” but maybe its bc i’m beginning to increase my zoloft lol. whatever works i guess right?!

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