Having a really hard time

I don't usually post on here because it could end up becoming a compulsion or could be seen as reassurance seeking but I think I just need a place to vent and to also get some encouragement and peer support. I am really struggling with my intrusive thoughts and feelings today. All of it feels extremely real and convincing. Right now, I feel thoroughly convinced that I have already identified as either a lesbian or bisexual. I have been diagnosed with OCD by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist years ago and I still feel convinced that it isn't OCD. I keep feeling as if I am just using OCD as a cover-up / as an excuse to deny my “actual” sexual orientation / to hide the “fact that I'm actually lesbian / bisexual”. I have been practicing ERP whenever my schedule allows but it's tough... ERP typically works for me but on days like today, it doesn't seem to be working and that makes me doubt if I have OCD or not. At the same time, I am also convinced that ERP isn't working and I am secretly in denial / struggle with comphet / have internalised homophobia (which makes it worse because my family is homophobic and most of my intrusive thoughts have been targeting that / using that as evidence). Feeling really scared and hopeless... 😞

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 21d

Hey, so I want you to identify if there could be other factors like stress or change that could be worsening ocd. If that isn’t there, I want you to treat soocd as a disorder and less of an attack (this can be hard because ocd creates a tunnel vision of doom). You definitely know that ocd can wax and wane because it’s ✨chronic ✨so sit with all the discomfort. Take a walk(if that is too triggering, do something you love but don’t avoid triggers) i hope you get better and ignore ocd❤️

sofiaaaaa

Date posted: 21d

@Ms.shelovesfrogs Hi you seem really experienced with ocd.Can you help me with something?

Tiny Turtle

Date posted: 21d

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it.

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 21d

@sofiaaaaa Sure thing

sofiaaaaa

Date posted: 21d

@Ms.shelovesfrogs So i have undiagnosed hocd i had ocd since i was little but hocd theme is the worst.I made it in to a handball team and my social anxiety is really hard and i knew that hocd is going to kick in and tell my i like one of my colegues.And is one girl that s beautiful and my mind is telling me i like her and my hocd is making images with me and that girl and is really confusing because i am to the hocd part that i am really numb,i dont feel anything but i still have stressing thoughts and idk what should i do i know i am not bi and i never want to be but is really stressfull

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 20d

@sofiaaaaa This is so OCD coded and honestly I experience same but I want you to sit with that feeling of intrusive mental pictures, thoughts + anxiety. It would definitely pass. Whenever you are around her, do not try to prove or disprove whether you like her, don’t dwell on your numbness, it happens because of ocd stress. To get better, you have to accept the absolute worst case scenario 😭(yessss, “that you could like her” 😭😭🙏) it’s scary but it’s not about liking her but getting comfortable with the idea that your brain backs off. The more you try to resist the thought you do, it becomes louder! Instead notice it like a passing cloud and treat ocd like tinnitus and the disorder it is. Try not to see it as a change in sexuality, don’t engage with the thoughts or pictures, let them play- on repeat if they want but go on with the doubt. Know that the goal isn’t to eliminate this experience but to experience it instead of struggling with it. Use her presence as an avenue for erp 🎊🎊 remove all stress so it doesn’t worsen ocd. Tbh this theme may not disappear but you can get better and ignore it like tinnitus

sofiaaaaa

Date posted: 20d

@Ms.shelovesfrogs Thank you si much,i will treat thoughts like passing clouds and when i am around her i don t feel like i like her but sometimes my intrusive thoughts come again when i am around her i mean i like to be friends with her i like to talk to her and my other colegues and creating team bond.My mind is just testing if i like her just because i think she s pretty and plays well but for now i can t imagine the scenario is really bad for me and my mind fears if i accept that ill become real so i just treat thoughts as passing clouds i am so greatfull for metting so many great people on this app and thanks again🥰

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 20d

@sofiaaaaa Ocd likes pretty people so that’s valid+ I hope you do get better

sofiaaaaa

Date posted: 21d

Hey again.I want to help you too.Believe me your thoughts are just thoughts and ocd is a big liar it does many emotions you dont want to feel and think about like i fear sometimes my sexuality will change in the feauture or my brain tells me if i get drunk i l hook up with girls but nothing is true all of it is hocd.We are all gonna get through this you have just to do hobbies that u like and when a thoght,dream or compulsion come you just say ok it s ocd go to hell thought and move on.I hope i helped u🫶🏻

light💕

Date posted: 21d

Most of what You wrote is just about me too, I know how very very tough is that, specially when You are convinced as You say "it's not an OCD but a cover up". You are not alone my friend, You are not... I struggle 24 hours a day at times, I still don't live a normal life as I should even with all the acknowledge I gained. Use this trick to trick your OCD, the "maybe maybe not" because when You say this to yourself You are taking the power away from OCD instead of fearing it and giving it power. I posted a post about two channels on YouTube that are extremely helpful, please check them out. Remember, You are not alone💕 All the Best 🙏🏻

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 22w

Some things that are making me feel alone

Here are some things that make me feel alone and isolated in my journey with sexual orientation OCD: 1. This feels like a complete identity crisis. I think that is what makes it so hard. It seems to go against everything I believe myself to be and who I always have identified as. 2. My compulsions, thoughts, triggers, and everything else that comes along with this disease feels and seems like I’m the only one that struggles with those things. My thoughts and images in my head often seems so real that it can only be me in denial. 3. Because this sub type of OCD is so sexual in nature, it has made my sex life with my husband, a really hard situation. Because I always get afraid and sex that I will think of these thoughts, I subconsciously then think of those thoughts, and if I have any type of feeling associated with those thoughts, it feels like proof that those thoughts are real and that makes it even harder. 4. Because a lot of the pleasure that comes with sex is on hot for me while I’m figuring out in this journey with OCD, my mind has convinced me that it is because I will only feel those things if I were with someone at the same sex (I am a straight female. I have a fear of being homosexual.). Well, all those things have made it really hard for me to function daily, I am doing a lot better at finding ways to combat those. I wanted to offer some of the things that I find that help me move past these thoughts and while it’s not always a perfect fix, it’s really helped. 1. I tried to remind myself daily that while love is a feeling it’s also choice. I have to remind myself to get up every single day and choose my husband not because I always feel like choosing him because that is who I choose. That is who I want. That is who I want to grow a relationship with to have a child with Thus why I always don’t feel that love, I always choose it. And while this can be really hard because just society as a whole has made us have these unrealistic ideas about what love is and made us think that love is just this huge with butterflies and sparks, it’s not always that. 2. I try to remind myself that these are just thoughts. And thoughts are not who I am. I don’t have to become the thoughts. I’m not a bad person for thinking of thoughts, and I don’t have to believe the thoughts. 3. When I get, like I often do, groinal responses to the things that I am thinking or seeing in my mind I just remind myself that those are responses to the anxiety I have. I’m not thinking those because I want to think those, but it’s in a response too The fear that I will think those and that I will get that response and then in turn I get the response. 4. I tried to remind myself that this isn’t a fear of coming out like if I was gay, this is a fear associated with a thought that I would be because that’s not who I am. If I really was gay, I would like the thought I would like the pleasure and I would be afraid of coming out. But in this situation, I don’t want any of the thoughts not because I’m afraid of coming out of this because it’s not who I am. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 21w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

Vee <3

Date posted: 14w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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Having a really hard time

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