False memory?

I am in a very healthy Christ oriented relationship. However, I very rarely partake in self pleasure, of course I do not watch any adult content EVER, but it has sent me into a spiral. I never watch anything, I would only pull up pictures of my girl (she told me that she is comfortable with it and she likes it), but this last time, I put a music playlist on youtube to listen to, and in meanwhile, I glanced some inapropriate thumbnails while in grid view. Not inaproppriate in a sexual way, but I saw them at the very wrong time. I glanced each of the pictures for miliseconds, it made me sick so I closed my computer after about 20 seconds. Of course then I looked at my girl’s picture. And then it hit me. I feel like throwing up. I can not stop ruminating. I glanced three different thumbnails, which are the three worst extremes that I could see in that moment. In that moment, I quickly looked away and did not give it very much thought, but after an hour or so, it sent me into a spiral.

Ocd;;;;;;

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

What does your therapist say when you feel in a spiral? Typically the advice is to remember thoughts are just thoughts, we can allow them to exist without latching on. Purity culture did a number on all of us. If I could go back, I would have tried to wait if that’s what we wanted, but focus on my faith overall more. My hyperfocus on the grey area of what was too far never helped. (I’m not at all advocating for you to start engaging in porn, or to just throw out waiting for marriage, but the crazy focus on whether you have sex or not is super unhealthy). And in this case, You are focusing on something that sounds literally out of your control (seeing those images briefly, maybe) and probably correctly identifying it as ocd. If there are what ifs and this level of anxiety, it’s probably ocd.

ocdbelowzero

Date posted: 2d

@Ocd;;;;;; thank you for your reply. there has been intense anxiety for days now. it is only fixated on the thumbnails I saw. I am ruminating so much about it, that it literally feels like a bad dream that I can not completely remember. anyways, I will try to practice erp on this.

Ocd;;;;;;

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

@ocdbelowzero I would say you might benefit to talking to some slightly more progressive Christian’s about purity (or reading a book like the great sex rescue - I haven’t read it but have heard good things). Thumbnails aren’t going to change anything. Imagine what you’d do in your day if you hadn’t see those and act accordingly. Sure the thoughts can be there but live by your values regardless

Ocd;;;;;;

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

One of the things I realized with faith and ocd is that if I spent all this time worrying over sinning, the larger sin was the worry but also that God put me here to do good and not to sit around worrying (Jesus didn’t do this) so how can I create goals and actionably go after them even if those thoughts decide to tag along

ocdbelowzero

Date posted: 2d

@Ocd;;;;;; i think the most terrifying thing for me here is the feeling that I somehow wronged my beautiful lovely girl and messed everything up. it is so strong that I feel like I can not let myself off the hook until I make this right. I will definetely use this advice (you said to act as if it did not happen), and try to really stick at it. Thank you, God bless you.

ocdbelowzero

Date posted: 2d

@ocdbelowzero You wrote this beautifully, screenshoted :)

Ocd;;;;;;

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18h

@ocdbelowzero I once heard from a pastor that my great concern about being a Christian and fear over not going to heaven probably indicated that I was in the group going. Now, I don’t really subscribe to the Calvinist predestination theology entirely, BUT consider that perhaps people with ocd wouldn’t be quite so worried if ocd weren’t preying on their deepest values. I’ve had relationship ocd as well and when I finally dug deep enough I realized it was because I so so so deeply valued the relationship and concepts of marriage and purity. And once I realized that, I was able to let go of some of the obsessions around it (no not all of them, I still get to practice my erp muscle) and chill the f out. there was some relief when I let myself out of the mental prison that religion did give me the tools for and ocd the blueprint but I ALWAYS had the key out with erp ❤️

Ocd;;;;;;

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18h

@ocdbelowzero Good work identifying the feeling and compulsion. What’s the next step in erp? (Hint: allowing it to be there, perhaps saying “so what?” “That’s just a thought” “okay”) Making it right is giving in to ocd and a works based religion which Jesus did not teach

Ocd;;;;;;

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18h

@ocdbelowzero Also: if you don’t see it on purpose, and if you moved away from them once you identified what they were, could this just be an accident? Why does it have to be fixed/rectified? Especially if you aren’t pursuing it again? (Rhetorical questions for you to consider)

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