So, here I am again. I made it through the night. Not sure how, but I did. Woke up more often than I usually have been. Once, for a potty break. The other times just because. Because I heard a noise? Because I thought I heard a noise? My mind just won't let the anxiety in my stomach rest, or is it the opposite? I'm not sure. I don't have a therapist here, and I don't mean to bend y'alls ears, just kinda don't like the feeling this anxiety has been giving me. To feel like I'm going to die drains the blood from my face. And feeling the warmth of the blood leave my face feels wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm just not ready to die right now. Of course, I don't have the say as to when that will be. I feel ashamed because I have been talking about me, me, me, and I need to be thinking about my husband. Covid played a dirty trick on him, or maybe getting the covid will actually save his life. Starting with the two blood clots in the lower part of his lungs. Then hearing about the restriction of blood flow around his heart. Now, they did say restriction not obstruction,so I'm hoping that's a good sign. And the fact that when they called, they didn't direct him to the nearest hospital,"do not pass go, do not collect $100,"might also be a fairly good sign. I'm not sure if you want to hear this, but as I'm typing, I am also sobbing. Good thing this is not paper because no one would be able to read it. Who am I kidding, maybe noone wants to read it anyway. Wait, what's my moniker on this site? God is in Control? I better shape up.

So... I understand my anxiety but not OCD. I understand both but not in "my born this way world." I have done a lifetime of teaching myself I'm weird, goofy and different from the average accepted societal person. Why: because I've been teased and bullied all my life for not fitting the script. I have chose to be a survivor and not a victim because be a victim SUCKS! to me. Its a black hole that your cant alwaus climb out of, it leaves you dependant on someone happening by and someone that has a caring soul. In my world you're F'd if you wait for the latter version. So I mentally wired my brain to love me, accept those differences and pat yourself on the back for it. I learned to celebrate it and be happy with it. I nutired it and made it the beast that it is today. So if I truly have OCD, I literally, intentionally and purposely created it wishing me unknowing that it was not good. So, after all these years, the Corporate world says No. We do not have to allow this? I have never known it to harm or hurt anyone. So it's difficult to connect the problem? Anyhow, now I have learn, redefine and understand ME from a entirely new perspective. And that is my initial struggle, the other struggles, the other stuff, I have being dealing with and its nothing new to me. Buy telling self that it's a mis-fire is strange and hard for me to accept? It confuses me still. I have always seen OCD as a autistic behavior. I did not then and still do not perceive autism as a mis-fire or something wrong or unacceptable? Still this pwrplex me. When in school I studied mental health and deep dived. I enjoyed it, learning it. I guess I don't view mental health as psychotic or crazy. Maybe because I grew up in a home of an X military father who had flash backs a lot and we just played the parts until it wasn't fun anymore and my older siblings and mother got tired of dealing with it. I never felt afraid or threaten, just accept that is how he was. Every now and then he would start playing out a experience. I am a curious individual so I thought it was quite interesting to know what happened. Otherwise, he sit quiet all dad, like no one else was there and chain smoke one cigarette after the other. I remember my mom complaining that his cigarette then next his cartoon of cigarettes cost as must as the food they had to keep in the house. I thought it was an exaggeration until I good older and understood it from an adult point of view. I think when it first click, I was outside play tag. hide and seek or something. Me and a another girl run under the window he usually sits at to low smoke out of. We run through all pile of cigarette butts and she said, "dang, where did all these cigarette buds come from, it's like a gigantic ashtray. In that moment, I didn't know. But when I looked up I realized that was my dad's window. I think that was the first time I realized how much he was smoking and why my mom had said that years ago. Anueay, I do understanding the behavior of a persistent, uncontrolled behavior that does not cause a resolve but instead increases the non-productive obsession that you're reacting to which creates the necessity of a compulsion help you deal, cope, or adapt in a way you can tolerate it. This increases the stress responds, the anxieties and/or flight or flight chemicals that are being produced. We react mentally and order to feel "ok," we have developed something that make us feel safe, better, or accepting of whatever our minds are telling us that is wrong, cannot do, or adding shit that is not necessarily true. Hear, if I have intrusive thoughts most of the time they are true. I go into a response of anger, then protection. Then the replay keeps me stuck because i have been forced outside of my safw zone or my protection has being tampered with of something that makes me feel feel the andrinaline is neex becauseI about to go to battle by all means necessary. I think that is how it is happening for me. Anything else is not connecting? My broken trust bonds => morphed into F it just don't trist nobody. There is no benefit of doubt. Let them prove they can be trusted until they can not. But... ? I say what is wrong with that? It has always washed away the BS people that I don't want to be bothered by. That works for me???... Yes, of course, when I was young trust issues did interfere with things that it should not have. But I have learned to reconcile that with observation and analyzing my environment and the action of one's words versus their behavior. And now at my age today, IJDG2Fs if I can't trust you or not because I only deal with people as associates and it doesn't matter anymore. Now this pattern of thinking and believing may be all wrong but I have lived life my entire life in survival mode some say. And that adrenaline that is full in me, I have conclude, is my lifeline, my saving grace and why I have never been able to reduce the heighten response in me. I think, still learning... TBC But I'm open, I am here, and trying to rewire this "new" beast that is my bestfriend. When that Counselor helped me to understand that my intenssity of surviving has created this flight of fight heighten energy = anxiety. I had never viewed it to be the problem yet instead my personal instinctive ALARM. A protective system. This is throwing me off. Really off. Then there are some that keeps telling me anxiety is my fearing... what? No. I have literally not feared much of anything. A man once said to me, that I had a God complex. I said, No, Sir. I do not believe I am better or above anyone. I'm sorry that my confidence in my own self makes you feel uncomfortable. My cheerleader- motivation toward self has nothing to do with you persinally or any other person. Its what I do to keep pushing and NOYB. It's for me only. Please stop inserting yourself, I am not responsible for how you feel when I use my motivated confidence to get through shit. Please excuse yourself from my chapters. Anyway... Why do I say this. My protective energy... because I grew up rough, I've learned to protect self. I know I said I believe in a Higher Power, but when you are young, and about without parents. You tend to say to yourself, Well God ain't here, so what are you going to do? You can't wait for that pie to fall from the sky or you will die. Are you ready to die? And of course, I'd say to myself, "Not today." So, you then use that fight or flight as your strength to help save yourself, adapt and do shit yourself. No disrepect. Whatever it takes until that Higher Power say you're fine now. Relax. Vicious i was, I learned to hard way. And don't regret it. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I guess I'm here to learn how to be delicate and soft. He'll idk. Night, Nighy. Psss ... I had something else to say but it went in another direction. OCD ... ADHD ... 🤷🏽‍♀️

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?

Hello everyone. Good morning to you all. This week has been tough for me. I've had a hard time keeping my head up. Every day, I wake up at 5 or so with intense feelings of dread. Shaking, racing thoughts, gagging, struggling to focus and get through work, intense feeling of panic, face flushing, wired but tired. I've been really going through it. And this is extra painful because: 1. I am doing better than I've done in a while. I've made plans and kept to them. 2. I've gotten great news this week about a potential job opportunity. It's a long-term plan, but I'm looking forward to the future like I haven't in months. (My OCD has mainly centered around work uncertainty) 3. My attitude is great. I'm not despairing. I know the morning anxiety is caused morning cortisol. I know my body may just be sensitized. I'm not actually panicking. I'm approaching the doom and gloom thoughts as I believe I should most of the time. So, what's going on? Here's my encouragement to you. This kind of anxiety is a lie. It has no bearing on reality. What I mean is when I wake up shaking, there is no actual danger. My fight or flight response is activating when there is nothing to fight and nothing to fly from. Why? Because my body is sensitized. I spent months waking up every day in a panic, giving in to intrusive thoughts, struggling with compulsions. I don't blame myself for this. It all happened very suddenly and I had no idea what was going on. Once I did, I started fighting it. But damage has been done. And damage takes time to heal. Every time I panicked, I reenforced that fight or flight response. I told my body it was right to panic. And so, now, it is sensitized. It responds with an unusual and inappropriate amount of panic to everything, especially mornings. What I try to remember, and encourage you to remember as well, is this: It takes time to heal. It is very easy for me to start to panic or despair. After all, I feel like I'm doing everything right. Obviously, there are things I can improve on, but I'm getting better. I'm starting to eat better. I'm exercising more. I'm floating through the anxiety. I'm cutting out compulsions. My job prospects are looking up. My relationship with my spouse and family is great. So why? Why? Why? Stop. Don't panic. Remember. You can do absolutely everything right. Anxiety can still come. That's what I mean when is said anxiety is a lie. It is. It's lying to you. You're just sensitized. Remember that it takes time to heal. It doesn't happen overnight. Don't let anxiety control your actions. Don't let it cause you stress and keep you in that cycle. Don't freak out when your heart races or you feel a surge of energy and you want to do anything to escape. Sit in that anxiety and let it pass by as it wishes. If you keep this up, it will get better. You'll become less sensitized. You'll have less anxiety. And when you do have it, it will bother you less, and less, and less. It just takes time. The biggest breakthroughs are often proceeded by the greatest struggles. Don't stop doing the right thing just because it doesn't "feel" good. Feelings are liers. Do what you're supposed to do despite the feelings. Keep up the good work. You're closer to success than you think. Go do something fun today. I'm going to go to the mall and I'm going to live in the present moment, whether anxiety is there or not. Thank you for reading. I am praying for you all.