I think I’m having a mental down. Life doesn’t feel real nor does it consequences. I keep laughing at inappropriate things and have sudden cry outbursts. I making medication for my patients and I’m keep messing up. Literally nothing feels real. I just realized that that my pants are inside out. I’m laughing on the outside but screaming in the inside. I need help and I need to go home... But yet I keep laughing. Btw I’m not thinking about doing an form of self harm or anything to my self or others I’m just trying to figure out what I’m going through

Lately I just feel like I’m on the verge of losing it and I don’t know why. I feel so uncomfortable in my own body. Physically and mentally. Not due to insecurity but just that something isn’t right… I never feel good, I’m always fatigued, my head hurts all the time, but my blood work comes back fine so doctor’s will do nothing. I have anxiety and panic attacks and recently I guess depression since I’m always down. I have relationship OCD so my partner deals with me not being sure of him constantly and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to leave him because he’s great but half the time my brain is telling me he isn’t the one. I keep counting as well, constantly counting every letter in every word and every word in every sentence… it just feels like I’m gonna go insane one of these days and I’m scared. When I talk to someone about this, they have no clue what to tell me or how to help. Am I alone in feeling this way??

Terrified I’m going to say or do something wrong, as I’ve been known to loose control before, I’m terrified of myself. Something feels badly off all of the time, it feels like sometbing terrible is going to happen any second, all day. Bad night anxiety, stomach dropping, terrified to sleep and that I’ll die in my sleep, terrified I’ll sleep walk and kill someone or harm myself, terrified I’ll wake up to the worst news or someone’s going to need me and I can’t be there for them then they will be mad, harm themselves, ect Summer is always the worst time, spring it starts, fall I seem to do better and good during winter Self harm urges, I feel out of control, I cant stop and I don’t want to stop. I love cutting myself to put it blankly. Terrified everyone is going to leave, so many people have bevause in so bad at controlling myself, my anger, my anxiety, I push EVERHONE away and isolate for weeks BEVAUSE I don’t want to mess up anything but I just end up messing it up either way. I’m terrified brie is going to leave and I need her. I seriously do not think I could live without her. I was like that with Baylee too, and I hate it I know it’s not rifht but I can’t help but rely on her for all my sanity. If she leaves I feel I have nothing, nothinf to live for, it’s really kicked in with her in the mental hospital I’m tired all day everyday, mentally and physically, but yet can’t ever seem to sit still and sleep, really bad insomnia for the past 5 days I don’t want to get better, I really don’t, I want to get as bad as possible. I want to be worse than some of the people I hang out with or see on the streets, I want scars that are noticeable, I want deep cuts, I want to look like I havnt slept in days, I want to get as bad as I possibly can and I don’t know why I don’t even know who I want to be anymore, I don’t know how I want my personality, some weeks I’m a funny, sassy person, then I’m wanting to be a mean snappy quiet person, then I want to be no body at all, either I want to bring light to the room or be the person EVERHONE sees as quiet and self isolated, sometimes I want to be just a calm collected person so on different days in different things, I don’t know who I want to be Very intrusive thoughts about wanting to kill people, myself, an animal, ect One wrong small change in brie and I think she hates me and is wanting to break up with me, then she shows me love again and I feel like everhthing is perfect, if the love isint being presented rifht to my face in a very clear manner then I believe it’s not there Random, constant episodes of “Deja vu” where either everhthing feels fake and the world moves weird like I was drugged, or where I swear I’ve been in thid moment before causing lots of anxiety thinking everytbing around me is fake or everhthing was imagined and I had just zoned out feom the moment I’m deja’ vu’ing and that everything else was never real, Bad memory, remembering thinfs that never happened, and not remembering A LOT of thinfs, even big things Waking up from naps feeling drugged and not knowing where I am, like a bad nap in a super hot room, but it’s EVERY nap Need constant reassurance but the second I get it I don’t believe any of it and push away my partner even though all I want is for her to comfort me

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.