Can any of you relate? So really quick, background, happily married, 3 kids, great design job, came from a great family, no real depression issues of any sort, pretty much a jokester, always being silly, etc. I do have OCD/PURE-O. I've had three episodes in my life, one in 1990, one in 2009 and just this past August (which I'm still going through). It started with a health/heart issue I had way back in 2008 ish where I had a mild attack. A year later I started questioning my heart, all day long, feeling my pulse, looking up heart conditions, wondering how long I would live, looking at people and gauging how old they are, versus how old I am and then subtracting how long I may have to live, and so on, that lead to more anxiety and a full blown panic attack after visitng the the ER for the second time over the summer for them to check my heart (which was totally fine). APPARENTLY the anxiety led to my first Intrusive Thought HARM-O against my wife and was just unbelievable... questioning how good of a person I was, say stuff like I'd never even intentionally step on an ant, look up serial killers and see if I was like them, you know the drill... It wasn't until I looked up crazy thoughts on Google that I found the answer... after that the thoughts subsided and I was fine until this past August. Another heart issue, ate breakfast, had some heartburn, or whatever and then my sensors perked right up, of course I had to go to the ER and have them check me out, was fine. Went on a great trip with my wife, but with anxiety of course, waves of it, no intrusive thoughts, until I got back home and I had that thought... I must have caught me off guard, obviously, because I couldnt stop thinking of it, urges, the whole 9 yards. That led me to "omg, am I suicidal (because of thr thought), so that is hwere I am at. Now it's decided to find the loop hole, now, my OCD is saying "hey you better never, ever get depressed or you may do it"... so what do I do? Google Suicide OCD and fall deeper down the rabbit hole looking up content, OCD is often paired with depression which could lead to suicide and then of course I run across an article that says people with (TRIGGER: ) OCD are 10 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide based on a Swedish study. So like a heat seaking missile, I'm honed in on that one last thought, "I have OCD, now I have to constantly monitor whether I am sad or depressed in the event that leads to depression and then of course suicide". So now I worry about, "I have OCD, what if that worry about having OCD, which could lead me to more worry, then to depression, then leads me to suicidal thoughts?" I am currently in ERP therapy, about 4 weeks in at Dr. Phillipon's office in NYC (I Zoom call them). Currently doing index cards. SO basically my worry is still under the blanket of suicide OCD, but now it's modified a bit to say " hey you have OCD and that can increase the risk of suicide" That's actually one of my index cards: OCD is known to increase the risk of suicide. Suicide risk needs to be carefully monitored", which is found on the International OCD Foundation page. But then, many PhD YouTube videos don't say anything like that, Dr. Phillipson to be one, and many others. They say "your theme doesn't matter", it's JUSt OCD, etc, etc..." Sorry for the long rant, thanks everyone!