it feels like i have to let them go but i can’t

my grades are super bad, my ex moved on, i have no real friends at all, and i feel empty inside. i feel nothing but i feel so many emotions at the same time. i wish i would’ve done better in life. i push people away but then complain about being lonely. me and my ex broke up 8 months ago and i still can’t get over him. he got a girlfriend a week after our breakup and it makes me think about so many things. i’ve talked to guys after that but none of them are the same, i got this feeling with him i got with nobody else and it hurts to know i won’t ever get it back. i feel like im not good or pretty enough for anyone. i feel to difficult for a relationship and to tired. i compare myself to his new girlfriend all the time and i can’t stop. why can’t i be as pretty as her? what was so wrong with me that we had to stop talking? we talk every month as friends but it lasts an hour. my heart craves his love again but i know i won’t ever get him back. i remember this one time i tried cutting off all contact with him because of his girlfriend. when i did, he said he didn’t wanna fully let me go because im a good friend to keep around and he knows ill always be there. i don’t know if he still means that because it’s been months but he still texts me first sometimes. i know i need to let go but im stuck in life and i just need him to help me like he always would. but i cant get his help so i feel stuck and confused and sad and empty.

i want to vent here and tell my thoughts, but it might be a compulsion and im not doing it but i feel so so si bad with my rocd.

every one even my therapist is telling me that its not the end of the word if i dont live my bf of two years anymore, that we cant control what we feel and that i should not be so scared of this, that im lying to myself, this is what my family says, my therapust told me other things that pressed on to my fears, making them feel even more real. i cant do this i dont understand anything. My therapist told me that im not supposed to feel disgust when i talk to him when he is touching me, but i feel like this bc of what im thinking, im scared i cant accept the truth vecause i dont want to hurt him and that i put too many expectations on this relationship. Im scared all if this is real. Even my only friend, told me its ok if i dont love him, but its not ok, its not , no one understands.